Which is easier...

[Guilan]

(still learning the codes for quoting and such, please have patience)
--In point of fact, I can think of one person here that consistently uses gender-neutral pronouns, and she only does it in certain situations. Personally, I can't keep the gender-neutral stuff together, and I'm not going to waste my time to use "his/her" or "he/she" or whatever every time I post.

And, honestly, if I give a male submissive the eye, he is likely too look down/away as well. It has more to do with submissive nature than sexual orientation.---

wanted to say ty for the reply, I appreciate the info given.

--I would suggest doing some searching through erotica and such to see what concepts and imagery excite you. Might be a good initial step. I have heard that it is more difficult for males due to a lifetime of societal conditioning that says males should be dominant. I wish you luck.---


thank you for the well wishes. i seriously think I am a submissive due to certain things causing arousal and excitement, but was hoping for some help in identifying it to make sure I am not mistaking something else for it. I appreciate the reply to my post, I did not think anyone would respond.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hmm, interesting, interesting. May I say a couple things?

1. I find it interesting that it seems to be stereotyped as females being the submissives. "If she demures by looking down" "maybe start with a vanilla girl who has hinted at or shown submissive qualities"

I find this interesting as I have some of the same qualities some consider signs of submissive. I consider others first, like to please them first, like to help out, I rarely can look someone in the eye etc. but I am a male. merely pointing out it seems like a stereotype has formed, though it may be justified.

Unless I know the person is specifically talking about a particular situation and gender (and usually not even then) I tend to use words like 'they', 'their', etc., as it leaves options open. Most here don't have a gender problem.

Catalina

 

[faeriefire]

Three years ago someone suggested I might be into D/s...I didn't know him super well...a friend I met at school. At the time I was completely terrified by the very thought. He also got it backwards: thought I was Domme material *grins* so the idea wasn't appealing enough to go find more info. I put it out of my mind and didn't dwell on it.

Now I wonder what he saw that tipped him off...but anyhoo...

As far as training someone goes it seems it would depend on the person. For me, I had to discover this part of myself on my own, work through my own stumbling blocks. I think if someone had built a relationship and then tried one or two things...opened up the possibilities...it would have been fine. But if they'd come right out and suggested I was submissive I'da denied it completely in part on principle *grins* and I think I would have been more resistant to their opinion after that.

As for working with someone who is already submissive wouldn't it depend how much they know, how much they've done, and whether or not there's a strong connection there? Most of the subbies I know are with their first Master. They realized they were submissive, started seeking information, and encountered someone who they 'clicked' with and it went from there. Those who have been exploring longer seem better able to say what they want, have a clear awareness of their abilities and needs, and at least seem more self-confident in themselves as submissives. I wonder if for a Master one or the other is more appealing?

 

[Homburg]

(still learning the codes for quoting and such, please have patience)

No problem at all, Guilan.

wanted to say ty for the reply, I appreciate the info given.

You are quite welcome.

thank you for the well wishes. i seriously think I am a submissive due to certain things causing arousal and excitement, but was hoping for some help in identifying it to make sure I am not mistaking something else for it. I appreciate the reply to my post, I did not think anyone would respond.

Again, you are welcome. There are a number of folks around here that are either male submissives themselves, or play with male submissives. I am sure that you will find someone that can answer from personal experience.

 

[Guilan]

again, thank you for the advice on how to find out more info. I have a strong feeling that deep down I am a submissive at heart. going to be interesting finding some things out and trying some things. feel free to PM me, if you have more info, have some advice for me, or for any other reason

 

[FurryFury]

I tend to consider both of my kids as potentially submissive in their futures. I realized recently that may be because, as a parent, I have to sort of Top them. It's a role I'm not comfortable with but feel absolutely necessary to be a good and responsible parent.

I see my daughter in particular as an over achiever, very sweet, fairly insecure, and a people pleaser. Yesterday at lunch, she said her dream job was to become an expert interrogation specialist AKA torturer for the government. She wants to channel her urges for good. I had to look at her a bit differently after that statement.

LMAO!

 

[BeachGurl2]

As many of the responses here have pointed out, 'submissive' means different things to different people. The bottom line question is, what do YOU look for in a submissive - are you looking for sexual only, full time, etc. While I'm fairly alpha in my work life - held supervisory positions, exec director, etc. - I am a nurturer (sort of the equivalent of service) all the time. Being a nurturer, though, does not necessarily mean submissive. I know Dominants who are also nurturers. However, there are 'tells' on both sides. Once you understand more about what it is you are seeking, you may begin to see those things in people around you.

As for 'easier', I'm not sure there is a black and white answer to that. If the vanilla person has submissive leanings, then maybe it would be 'easy'. If the vanilla person has no submissive inclinations at all, though, you're probably wasting your time. At the same time, an experienced submissive may be more centered in her submission, stronger, and 'easier' to adapt to you and your own needs.

Then again, if you're looking for 'easy', D/s probably isn't the place. Just saying.

 

[Homburg]

Then again, if you're looking for 'easy', D/s probably isn't the place. Just saying.

So very true. Wow.

It's worth it though.

 

[NightMuse]

First off, thanks for all the replies guys, I have been bothered with things locally here lately and haven't been following this thread. A lot of good input.

As many of the responses here have pointed out, 'submissive' means different things to different people. The bottom line question is, what do YOU look for in a submissive - are you looking for sexual only, full time, etc. While I'm fairly alpha in my work life - held supervisory positions, exec director, etc. - I am a nurturer (sort of the equivalent of service) all the time. Being a nurturer, though, does not necessarily mean submissive. I know Dominants who are also nurturers. However, there are 'tells' on both sides. Once you understand more about what it is you are seeking, you may begin to see those things in people around you.

As for 'easier', I'm not sure there is a black and white answer to that. If the vanilla person has submissive leanings, then maybe it would be 'easy'. If the vanilla person has no submissive inclinations at all, though, you're probably wasting your time. At the same time, an experienced submissive may be more centered in her submission, stronger, and 'easier' to adapt to you and your own needs.

Then again, if you're looking for 'easy', D/s probably isn't the place. Just saying.

I may have chosen the wrong words, most of my posts are made late at night when sleep is creeping. I have accepted that a small majority of people are into this kind of relationship, and the minority of that minority seem to be subs. You don't really need to go beyond Lit's BDSM personals to see that. So the scope for finding a good match for a sub seems limited. Now, I know there are tons of places to look for partners outside of Lit. Im not a social person, so I doubt VERY seriously I will ever be going to a munch or club meeting or what not.

The ratios seemed so skewed that it may be a while before I find a sub partner. That is what drove me to ask the question. I wondered whether I would have a better chance finding an unattached sub, or finding someone in the vanilla world that has BDSM/Sub interests or what not.

As for what Im seeking, I honestly don't know. Rather I do know, I'm just open to more than my wants. I really don't think its about knowing what I want, since Im pretty open, but more of finding someone who is availible, and compatible with. I hope that makes sense to you guys, Im half dead atm and am going to bed.


Also wanted to add that im not looking to rush anything, nor am I trying to get an easy-ride, just seems liek relationships in the kink world are tougher to forge than in the vanilla world

 

[BeachGurl2]

Also wanted to add that im not looking to rush anything, nor am I trying to get an easy-ride, just seems liek relationships in the kink world are tougher to forge than in the vanilla world

In my experience, this is true. By looking within the BDSM community, we are limiting our choices quite a bit. And when you throw in the wannabes who think the lifestyle sounds cool and that they can get a quick lay, then it makes it even more difficult. I've had people recommend that I look for a partner in places outside of the community and then see if they are interested in the lifestyle. I know that has worked for some. But again, it really depends on just what it is you're looking for. For me, because I'm submissive both in and out of the bedroom, it can be even harder to find a good partner. And of course, when you're really looking for a relationship over a play partner, that increases the difficulty. But it is a process. It won't happen overnight. Just try to have patience and be open when the opportunity presents itself. Good luck to you.

 

[Desdemona]

You're very kind and charming yourself

I wasn't trying, Des.

You were a charming and engaging dinner companion. I was enjoying your conversation and company, much as I was the rest of those that were near enough for conversation. If I was being intense, please chalk it up to me subconsciously getting "in the zone" in preparation for the demo later.

I find that any time I am going to perform publically, be it scening or demoing, I tend to start getting into the proper mindset early. It's not something I just turn on and off, and this means that I am sometimes more intense than is probably appropriate.

My apologies if it was off-putting

I never thought it was personal and it certainly was not off-putting. Like I said, I've known several of you guys who do that intense gaze thing and it seems to be mostly innate. Please know that I may have been over sensitive to it because I was nervous. I only knew 2 people there, Snooze, and ADR. I had been away from Lit for a very extended period of time and actually never thought I'd return. Most of the people who post now are different than the ones I knew years ago, so it was odd being there with all of you with no real context. Given that, I was pleasantly surprised and glad I went.

 

[Homburg]

I never thought it was personal and it certainly was not off-putting. Like I said, I've known several of you guys who do that intense gaze thing and it seems to be mostly innate. Please know that I may have been over sensitive to it because I was nervous. I only knew 2 people there, Snooze, and ADR. I had been away from Lit for a very extended period of time and actually never thought I'd return. Most of the people who post now are different than the ones I knew years ago, so it was odd being there with all of you with no real context. Given that, I was pleasantly surprised and glad I went.

I'm glad you went too! And doubly glad that it didn't put you off. As you surmised, it wasn't really a conscious thing. Hopefully we'll get the chance to spend time together again =)

 

[Marquis]

I just pick women with the physical and personality characteristics I enjoy. The D/s thing tends to work itself out naturally as part of that.

This is an age old question, and I think it reflects two separate anxieties:

1. Will I be hit with any unfortunate surprises?

I think the answer to this is usually yes, no matter how you prioritize. I think this question generally reflects a dissatisfaction with a previous relationship, where things weren't what they appeared to be. More accurately, I think what happened was the individual grew and their priorities changed.

Re-evaluating your priorities before entering a new relationship is a fantastic idea, but it won't guarantee you a lack of deal breaking surprises. There is no way to predict every variable. Roll with it, take the risk, it's what relationships are all about.


2. Will this person be my partner in the lifestyle?

I was reading an article in Psychology Today last week, while waiting for my head shrinking appointment. They're making the observation that tremendous value is given to relationships that protect/enhance the individual's social standing within a group.

Therefore, a "best friend" is likely to be given this title if the two are on the same tennis team or play in the same band, over more compatible friends that exist outside the greater social circle. A sibling, or friend from home for example, may have more in common, but have less daily value.

I think this holds true in relationships as well. There is a part of the relationship that is very private and personal, but there is also a part that is very public and almost political. In the BDSM community, we see a lot of relationships end when one partner takes a strong interest in being a part of the community and the other does not.

For me, both of my girls are active participants in the lifestyle, and their value to me is increased greatly because of it.