Who thinks chatting sexually on Lit is cheating

[tonythom]

I think that, like intothewoods said, there's chatting and there's chatting. It really depends what you're up to, how your husband will feel about it and what the risk is of things developing and going beyond whatever moral boundaries you set for yourself.

If you chat with random strangers, even if you cyber with them, there's little or no emotional connection. If you chat with a few people regularly, they become acquaintances that you have emotional investment in to one degree or another. If you chat just with one other person, that has even more scope for developing into a threat to your marriage, especially if your marriage isn't that great right now. The grass never seems greener than when the patch you're standing in has wilted a little. Then there's the risk that you might be persuaded into other forms of communication like webcams, phone/skype or even a real meet, however innocent your intentions might be... or not.

What all this represents is the level of deception involved if you choose not to tell your husband. Many believe the risk is worth the gratification and many believe they are protecting their spouse from needless upset and suspicion. They believe they are fulfilling a need that their partner can't or won't, making themselves happier, more fulfilled and able to enjoy their relationship without resenting their partner for not being into X. Whether that's something you believe yourself is down to you. If it really is harmless fun, it's down to you to keep it that way and not become seduced into letting things develop further than they should. If you discuss your chat habit with him, it's down to you to reassure him that you still love him and that there's no threat to the relationship. Then you have to keep your word and maybe be prepared for him to want to check up on you occasionally.

You should also consider how you would feel if the boot was on the other foot and you caught your husband jacking off while cybering with some stranger in a chatroom. How would you feel if you told him about your chatting and he confessed to already having done so?

Also, if there's something you feel you're not getting within your marriage that's important to you, can you honestly say you've done your best to convey your needs to your husband and see whether he will try to meet them or compromise somehow? I know it's hard to suggest that your primary partner isn't ticking every box but surely that's an easier conversation than telling him you've already taken the step of getting that box ticked (albeit in cyberspace) elsewhere?

couldnt' have said it better...

 

[Rimfire]

online sex when your married ?

My wife(i asked her);says yes its cheating...i said its not phyical??
shes says your a man...men are pigs!
but as someone already said;depends on the partner.
married means you come first;so ? if your cant be good!
be good at it!...hehe

 

[tonythom]

couldnt' have said it better...

but there is really something to be said for fulfilling online deep dark desires... i think there are several sides to this. and no one side is wholly right and no one side fully wrong

"It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma; but perhaps there is a key"

 

[Skorpion49]

Something wrong

It's definitely a sign that something is wrong in a relationship. It may be the lesser of two evils and save a lot of upset - which is why most of us do it.

 

[DroppedIn]

I've been through this and the repercussions are not nice. I stupidly thought my wife wouldn't have a problem, it's only a bit of fun and all that. How wrong was I? I still disagree with her on it but we agree to disagree.

At the end of the day it's what your husband thinks that counts. If he's okay with it grand. The key is communication, talk to him about it if you can. If you can't talk to him about it ... well ... I don't know what to say. Good luck

DroppedIn

 

[StrongMaster7]

Yes, I'm afraid that doing anything sexual that your partner does not know and approve of is cheating.

Now, having said that, there is cheating and there is cheating. I have been able to safely expend tons of sexual energy that my wife had no interest in. She would not approve of the chat, but she would not approve of me cutting my genitals off either. There must be some relief. And masturbation to the ideas of another living person over a computer is the most harmless way to get what is needed. Be careful. Be safe. Don't wear out any welcomes.

But it is cheating. I presume you have tried to talk to your man. Good luck.

 

[mrtomthumb]

wow. never thought about it.

I think I should ask my wife as I do kind of do it in secret...but she knows i watch porn...I have had some private messages that were pretty intense where orgasms were involved. I think I do it because communication about sex does not come easy with my partner. The acctual sex is usually very good though. I suddenly feel a little guilty. I know in my own mind I have been down the road of trying to open up and it never goes well. I feel she knows to some extent and silence in many ways is a form of acceptance.

 

[PublicAffection]

I think I should ask my wife as I do kind of do it in secret...but she knows i watch porn...I have had some private messages that were pretty intense where orgasms were involved. I think I do it because communication about sex does not come easy with my partner. The acctual sex is usually very good though. I suddenly feel a little guilty. I know in my own mind I have been down the road of trying to open up and it never goes well. I feel she knows to some extent and silence in many ways is a form of acceptance.

Long ago I learned that porn and chatting are very different things. Although porn is giving you visual stimulation that is obviously not your partner, it isn't interactive with another human being the way that cyber-sex and phone-sex are. Sadly, if you are already having difficulty communicating with your partner about your wants and desires or sexual preferences, sexy chat with strangers is not going to help you to work on that area in your relationship.

Assuming that she knows and is just not saying anything is a dangerous trap. She may be intentionally turning a blind eye to your activities, but it is also possible that she trusts that you'd never do anything like that and so it hasn't even crossed her mind as something she should confront you about.

 

[gloriann]

I'll echo so many of the others: it depends on what your partner thinks.

In my mind, if you're sharing something with someone else behind your partner's back, then, at the very least, it's a form of cheating.

My partner and I met on litchat and we both agree, there's chatting and then there's chatting, and chatting is cheating.

 

[satindesire]

Here's a super super easy equation to the cheating question:

Can I do it in front of my partner?

If yes, then it's not cheating.

If no, then it's cheating.

 

[Zachariah_Cane]

Deleted

 

[shamegirl]

My Dom doesn't mind, we know what's acceptable to each other and we stick to it.
Cheating is a deliberate and selfish betrayal of trust . If you're not sure if you're going to hurt your other half just talk to her and see how she feels.

 

[chelleb]

anything you wont do in front of your partner because you know they wont approve, is cheating..plus if you wouldnt want them to do it then you shouldnt either

Here's a super super easy equation to the cheating question:

Can I do it in front of my partner?

If yes, then it's not cheating.

If no, then it's cheating.

These are exactly what I was going to say, and is what I believe.

 

[borednornyhouse]

What he dont know wont hurt him. As far as Im concerned you can chat all you like without cheating. would you really care if he was chatting?
Find yourself some hot cruch to cyber fuck then go wake him up and ride him. I'm sure he wont mind!

 

[infinity706]

Here's a super super easy equation to the cheating question:

Can I do it in front of my partner?

If yes, then it's not cheating.

If no, then it's cheating.

That's really too oversimplified. There's plenty of things many of my partners would be fine with me doing, just not when they're in the room. That especially, applies to really kinky things, but it could apply to something as simple as cybersex, somewhat. Do you really think most of my vanilla partners would like to see me beat some woman's pussy with a leather strap even though they're perfectly happy to let me fuck whoever I want, whenever I want, and however I want?

 

[Yesspleasse]

Married and confused . I need a friend right now. I need to know what do you really think . Is it cheating if you chat sexually on Lit and you are married. Please be kind i am very fragile at the moment. Thank you !

Have to admit I haven't read the other responses, so apologies if I repeat something another has said.

Yes, I think it's cheating.

But, I also think there is a spectrum of cheating. Telling your hubby those shoes only cost £30 is cheating too. :] (Not assuming you personally would do that). Masturbating while not thinking of your partner is cheating too, or thinking of another while making love with him/her. It's not easy, in my opinion, to say where sexy chat here falls on the spectrum, mainly because there is no absolute spectrum which applies to everyone, but I feel really sure that sexy chat here at literotica.com should be pretty far down the spectrum (that is to say not really cheating to any great extent) even if you haven't told your partner you do it. There is such as thing as your own personal, private space. This goes for both genders.

My advice, based only on my own experience, is not to be too hard on yourself, and see how you feel in a while, and in the meantime experiment with pushing your own boundaries a bit. Not too much all at once, I guess. :]

Obviously, there are always individual circumstances, and I don't know yours, but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, I suppose, and I'll assume you have some reason to be here which justifies your urge. :]

Btw I have found that secret online chat has helped my marriage.

Regards,

D.

 

[WriterDom]

That's really too oversimplified. There's plenty of things many of my partners would be fine with me doing, just not when they're in the room. That especially, applies to really kinky things, but it could apply to something as simple as cybersex, somewhat. Do you really think most of my vanilla partners would like to see me beat some woman's pussy with a leather strap even though they're perfectly happy to let me fuck whoever I want, whenever I want, and however I want?

Except that the difference between your vanilla partners and her husband is a little like the difference between Lightning and a Lightning Bug

 

[satindesire]

That's really too oversimplified. There's plenty of things many of my partners would be fine with me doing, just not when they're in the room. That especially, applies to really kinky things, but it could apply to something as simple as cybersex, somewhat. Do you really think most of my vanilla partners would like to see me beat some woman's pussy with a leather strap even though they're perfectly happy to let me fuck whoever I want, whenever I want, and however I want?

I believe you're being deliberately obtuse here, Infinity.

Do I really need to spell it out for you sweetie?

If your partner is okay with you doing it, whatever it is, then it's fine. No matter what it is. If your partner says, "Go ahead and have sex with other people." Then having sex with other people isn't cheating.

However, if your partner would object to you having sex with other people, then obviously, having sex with other people is cheating.

 

[intothewoods]

To step away from the focus on cheating for a second ...

I don't know this person's particular situation. Sometimes people are in marriages that work in a lot of ways but just aren't completely fulfilling sexually and they do what they have to do. Or so I've heard from Dan Savage anyway (shout out to DGE). In real life, I don't actually know anyone who is perfectly happy except for a teeny tiny sex issue. But anyway.

What I wanted to say is that cybersex is not fulfilling. Get the sex that you want. Don't sneak around on the computer. It might take really hard work and compromise in a marriage. It might take divorce, and eventually you find a new partner. Or you talk to your partner and find out you both have secret desires and your marriage enters a whole new fun period.

I have no idea what the path is, but you want to take that path and be honest about your desires. Life is short. Don't waste it sneaking around on the computer.

 

[infinity706]

I believe you're being deliberately obtuse here, Infinity.

Do I really need to spell it out for you sweetie?

If your partner is okay with you doing it, whatever it is, then it's fine. No matter what it is. If your partner says, "Go ahead and have sex with other people." Then having sex with other people isn't cheating.

However, if your partner would object to you having sex with other people, then obviously, having sex with other people is cheating.

Yeah, but that was part of my point.

To step away from the focus on cheating for a second ...

I don't know this person's particular situation. Sometimes people are in marriages that work in a lot of ways but just aren't completely fulfilling sexually and they do what they have to do. Or so I've heard from Dan Savage anyway (shout out to DGE). In real life, I don't actually know anyone who is perfectly happy except for a teeny tiny sex issue. But anyway.

What I wanted to say is that cybersex is not fulfilling. Get the sex that you want. Don't sneak around on the computer. It might take really hard work and compromise in a marriage. It might take divorce, and eventually you find a new partner. Or you talk to your partner and find out you both have secret desires and your marriage enters a whole new fun period.

I have no idea what the path is, but you want to take that path and be honest about your desires. Life is short. Don't waste it sneaking around on the computer.

Cybersex is fun. I'd actually prefer cybersex with a spectacular partner to a mediocre one in front of me.

 

[Yesspleasse]

Not for the first time I am quite surprised at the often cut and dried morality coming from what seems like the majority of posters on threads asking this or similar questions.

Let me ask a question of some of those who seem to think that in this case the OP needs, or should have her husband's/partner's agreement in order to feel ok about having a bit of fun chat online.

How do you know this woman's partner is not denying her lovemaking, in terms of meeting her physical and emotional needs? It ain't that uncommon y'know, and it may be slightly naive to believe that it can be sorted out readily by discussion, though this is the preferable first resort. In most cases I have heard of, the online chat thing isn't usually a first resort, more like a last resort.

As for the 'if you really have to have a secret like this from your partner you should really leave him/her' brigade, I can only say that I wish life were ever so simple and/or that marriages generally involved total and complete disclosure of everything. Sex is only one ingredient in a marriage, which can be working well in other departments, both between the partners and for any dependent children. Granted, this may or may not be the case in individual circumstances, but I think we should at least acknowledge the potential for some grey areas.

Personally, I'm comfortable with operating in secret. Even though my wife would probably blow a gasket if she found out. Her libido has significantly declined for the last 10-14 years and mine hasn't. I don't blame her for this and I still like her and love her a lot. If anybody thinks that I haven't tried (and continue to try) everything I can think of and that my best option is to own up, I would politely disagree. :]

 

[satindesire]

What is it, that old saying? What you don't know can't hurt you?

More often than not, the spouse DOES know what's going on 'behind their back', and quietly goes along with it, suffering in silence, due to not knowing what to do.

Trust me. I was that partner that was being betrayed. He didn't know I knew, and it was pretty arrogant of him to think that I'd sit by in acquiescence forever.

He's still single to this day. How about that.

 

[TypicalDeviant]

Not for the first time I am quite surprised at the often cut and dried morality coming from what seems like the majority of posters on threads asking this or similar questions.

Let me ask a question of some of those who seem to think that in this case the OP needs, or should have her husband's/partner's agreement in order to feel ok about having a bit of fun chat online.

How do you know this woman's partner is not denying her lovemaking, in terms of meeting her physical and emotional needs? It ain't that uncommon y'know, and it may be slightly naive to believe that it can be sorted out readily by discussion, though this is the preferable first resort. In most cases I have heard of, the online chat thing isn't usually a first resort, more like a last resort.

As for the 'if you really have to have a secret like this from your partner you should really leave him/her' brigade, I can only say that I wish life were ever so simple and/or that marriages generally involved total and complete disclosure of everything. Sex is only one ingredient in a marriage, which can be working well in other departments, both between the partners and for any dependent children. Granted, this may or may not be the case in individual circumstances, but I think we should at least acknowledge the potential for some grey areas.

Personally, I'm comfortable with operating in secret. Even though my wife would probably blow a gasket if she found out. Her libido has significantly declined for the last 10-14 years and mine hasn't. I don't blame her for this and I still like her and love her a lot. If anybody thinks that I haven't tried (and continue to try) everything I can think of and that my best option is to own up, I would politely disagree. :]

A few things:
Two wrongs don't make a right.

If you're unhappy in your marriage, you probably should leave. Whether it's because of sex or any other issue. And if you say "it's not that simple", it's because you've made it that difficult. Your happiness is key to your health (physical and mental) and believe me, if you say you're doing it for your kids - they know you're miserable.

You made vows to each other when you got married, breaking those vows is breaking a promise. Who likes a promise-breaker?

As others have said, if you have to ask if something like this is ok, it's not. that doubt, the reason you asked in the first place, is your conscience screaming "no".

All of the above is why communication is so important to a good marriage. And there's no time like now to start working on it.


Please note that I've used "you" in a general, not specific sense.

 

[RuReal]

As always it depends on the relationship and the rules defined.

Few questions to ask yourself how would you feel if your partner was doing what you are doing?

I think you know the answer to this question or would not ask it.

 

[intothewoods]

Not for the first time I am quite surprised at the often cut and dried morality coming from what seems like the majority of posters on threads asking this or similar questions.

Let me ask a question of some of those who seem to think that in this case the OP needs, or should have her husband's/partner's agreement in order to feel ok about having a bit of fun chat online.

How do you know this woman's partner is not denying her lovemaking, in terms of meeting her physical and emotional needs? It ain't that uncommon y'know, and it may be slightly naive to believe that it can be sorted out readily by discussion, though this is the preferable first resort. In most cases I have heard of, the online chat thing isn't usually a first resort, more like a last resort.

As for the 'if you really have to have a secret like this from your partner you should really leave him/her' brigade, I can only say that I wish life were ever so simple and/or that marriages generally involved total and complete disclosure of everything. Sex is only one ingredient in a marriage, which can be working well in other departments, both between the partners and for any dependent children. Granted, this may or may not be the case in individual circumstances, but I think we should at least acknowledge the potential for some grey areas.

Personally, I'm comfortable with operating in secret. Even though my wife would probably blow a gasket if she found out. Her libido has significantly declined for the last 10-14 years and mine hasn't. I don't blame her for this and I still like her and love her a lot. If anybody thinks that I haven't tried (and continue to try) everything I can think of and that my best option is to own up, I would politely disagree. :]

I'm not judging. My advice above was only to people who are really miserable in their marriages.