Why do some women's sex drive just stop? and others don't?

[KatieDoes]

Interesting, it suggests that someone who understands the female body and "what women want" enables a woman to have more orgasms - which does make sense. One quote

Which again ties in with my wife (and others) experience. Lesbian sex will involve more of the former I assume, due to the lack of penis, hence that connection. I'm not saying that as a generalisation women don't make better lovers of women, as I say they should understand the female body better and are in general better at communicating/listening just that it isn't as clear cut.

I think that too often, men learn how to fuck by watching porn. Porn is not designed to appeal to women, it’s designed to sell ads by showing men what they want to see. So it teaches men that being a selfish and mediocre fuck will get gorgeous women to fall down and worship their dick.

Among the women I’ve talked with openly (fewer than the 24,000 in the study, but a LOT)… the number one complaint is that men don’t listen. They think they already know everything, and then get fragile when corrected.

My Dom can get me off so hard my head spins… and it’s WAY more than him having a bigger dick. (Not that I’m upset about him having a bigger dick) He listened to me, got into my head and figured out what my buttons are and how and when and exactly how hard to push them.

 

[KatieDoes]

If you cant get here to fool around HOW can you give it to her???

Maybe you should just give her my contact info and leave town for a long weekend? I promise I’ll go back home and not try to steal her away.

 

[HampshireBoy]

I think that too often, men learn how to fuck by watching porn. Porn is not designed to appeal to women, it’s designed to sell ads by showing men what they want to see. So it teaches men that being a selfish and mediocre fuck will get gorgeous women to fall down and worship their dick.

Among the women I’ve talked with openly (fewer than the 24,000 in the study, but a LOT)… the number one complaint is that men don’t listen. They think they already know everything, and then get fragile when corrected.

My Dom can get me off so hard my head spins… and it’s WAY more than him having a bigger dick. (Not that I’m upset about him having a bigger dick) He listened to me, got into my head and figured out what my buttons are and how and when and exactly how hard to push them.

This forum needs a "like" button.

Without boasting I have had similar comments from women, that I not only listen but try to learn what they like and dislike and act accordingly. There is no magic formula as in "do this and it will drive every woman crazy", as always communication and trust is key.

 

[SlutAddicted]

Hmmmm… that’s an interesting question. That number only dips to 65% when women are having sex with men. 86% of lesbian women cum when they have sex. So while it’s still a bit lower than hetero men at 95%, it’s significantly higher. I think it’s fair to say that some women aren’t getting off for physiological reasons. Something particular to that woman, be it anatomy or a medication reaction, or some other cause. But there’s that 20% gap between women that are fucking men and women that are fucking other women. So we have to consider that at least part of the cause is men that aren’t giving them what they need.

If I’m in the mood to want to get off, and I’m alone, and have enough time available, I can get myself off. Every time.

If I’m not in the right place, mentally, and having sex because my partner wants to, I’m way less likely to cum. Sometimes I will, but less than 50%. For clarity, I don’t have sex if I genuinely don’t want to. But if I’m ambivalent, and H is really in the mood, I’ll try to give him what he needs.

If I’m in the mood to want to get off, and my partner doesn’t listen to me, doesnt give it to me the way I need, then I won’t cum. I can sometimes get myself there in spite of it, but it’s not likely. Then I typically smile politely and end up back in bed alone w my gadgets after he leaves.


So for me…it’s not physiological, in that my anatomy doesn’t allow it. But if my brain isn’t fully engaged, my body won’t respond either.


Pro tip: when a woman says ‘right there’ we mean, ‘keep doing exactly what you are doing exactly the way you are doing it until I tell you to stop or until your hand/tongue/finger/cock falls off’ We absolutely do not mean ‘if she likes that, she’s going to like this different thing even better, so I’m going to stop when she says right there and do this different thing because magical penis is magical’

If I interpret your comments correctly one would conclude that women are only modestly less likely than men to experience pleasure from sex. But when their partner is a man, women are substantial less likely than men to achieve sexual pleasure (I know sexual pleasure isn't isolated solely to orgasm but I am using it as a reasonable representation).

Therefore one would conclude that either men are the deciding factor in women's decreased sexual pleasure or there is something sexually unique about lesbians. I kind of doubt lesbians are so very different on a physiologically level. Perhaps they are different on a mental/emotional level but even then I would guess that any such difference probably relates more to how "in tune" they are with their partner and vice versa rather than some fundamentally different wiring.

Either way you slice it - whether for physiological or mental or emotional reasons - having a man as a sexual partner would seem to be a key factor in an observed reduction in female sexual pleasure. It is only logical that reduced sexual pleasure would be correlated with reduced interest. So is it really a matter of women's interest in sex waning or is it a matter of their interest in the sex available to them (i.e. with their SO) waning?

 

[water_moutina]

I have been on LIT for awhile I have written 4 stories. I see/read about so many women that are sexually active in their 50's and even 60's..Why are some stilll active and why do some just shut down completely?? I think many divorces, (among other reasons) happen this way!

If only there is a way to find out if I'll keep my thirst when I get old

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

Speaking for myself, I'm almost 48. My spouse of 25 years passed away, and I became hypersexual lately!!
I'm Obsessed with sex!!
I'm perimenepausal, and totally needing to masturbate almost daily!!

 

[BadDad1953]

My late wife lost her sex drive due to an endocrine imbalance when her system started to, for lack of a better word, misfire. The treatment actually caused her sex drive to shut down. The disorder eventually is why she passed away.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

One difference between men and women is men can switch from doing mundane work, to being ready for sex, in one minute. Women tend to need time to get into the right headspace, which another woman is more likely to accommodate - many women find that if they are mildly annoyed at their partner for not pulling their weight with housework or childcare, then they won't relax enough to orgasm. But a man going 'Honey, I did the dishes and fed the kids and put them to bed, let's have sex now ' can also be unattractive if it looks like the guy is treating it as a transaction rather than part of being a respect-worthy human being.

And don't discount effects of childbirth - way too many women suffer in silence with ongoing soreness or pelvic floor problems, which inhibit good sex. Not to mention how pregnancy can change everything - quote from KumquatConsort: 'how did your G-spot get over *there*?' I'm just glad we found it again and there's one position that works extremely well.

Add effects of meds - antidepressants often inhibit orgasm for women, but if it makes you enjoy some sex it's probably an improvement. Another point is that sex for women doesn't have to be all about orgasm - I've had fantastic sex that didn't technically result in any orgasms, and pretty rubbish brief sex that did. My meds tends to reduce initiative, but I've trained my partners that I'm usually very happy to be persuaded into sex if someone else suggests it.

 

[hulmule]

One difference between men and women is men can switch from doing mundane work, to being ready for sex, in one minute. Women tend to need time to get into the right headspace, which another woman is more likely to accommodate - many women find that if they are mildly annoyed at their partner for not pulling their weight with housework or childcare, then they won't relax enough to orgasm. But a man going 'Honey, I did the dishes and fed the kids and put them to bed, let's have sex now ' can also be unattractive if it looks like the guy is treating it as a transaction rather than part of being a respect-worthy human being.

And don't discount effects of childbirth - way too many women suffer in silence with ongoing soreness or pelvic floor problems, which inhibit good sex. Not to mention how pregnancy can change everything - quote from KumquatConsort: 'how did your G-spot get over *there*?' I'm just glad we found it again and there's one position that works extremely well.

Add effects of meds - antidepressants often inhibit orgasm for women, but if it makes you enjoy some sex it's probably an improvement. Another point is that sex for women doesn't have to be all about orgasm - I've had fantastic sex that didn't technically result in any orgasms, and pretty rubbish brief sex that did. My meds tends to reduce initiative, but I've trained my partners that I'm usually very happy to be persuaded into sex if someone else suggests it.

Well said, marriaed for over 30 years you go thru a lot of changes in your life as said. Kid, work , physical changes. My wife has always had issues with her menstrual cycle. Then on depression meds, plus been in menopause for a couple years. I've always tried to do my part, but now im accepting the facts she has no desires for it. So i'm trying to cope with the issues. Thinking of going to counseling so i can learn how to deal with our situation and my sexual needs. It does put stess on you and spouse.

 

[policywank]

If I interpret your comments correctly one would conclude that women are only modestly less likely than men to experience pleasure from sex. But when their partner is a man, women are substantial less likely than men to achieve sexual pleasure (I know sexual pleasure isn't isolated solely to orgasm but I am using it as a reasonable representation).

Therefore one would conclude that either men are the deciding factor in women's decreased sexual pleasure or there is something sexually unique about lesbians. I kind of doubt lesbians are so very different on a physiologically level. Perhaps they are different on a mental/emotional level but even then I would guess that any such difference probably relates more to how "in tune" they are with their partner and vice versa rather than some fundamentally different wiring.

Either way you slice it - whether for physiological or mental or emotional reasons - having a man as a sexual partner would seem to be a key factor in an observed reduction in female sexual pleasure. It is only logical that reduced sexual pleasure would be correlated with reduced interest. So is it really a matter of women's interest in sex waning or is it a matter of their interest in the sex available to them (i.e. with their SO) waning?

I think that what you are looking at is the propensity for sexual pleasure among women or men who are interested in sex. It doesn't address the propensity of either gender to exhibit a lack of interest in sex. I'd be curious to see that data. I'll have to look it up.

But I think that it is valid to say that among heterosexual women and men who are interested in sex, men experience sexual pleasure more frequently and arguably more easily. It is difficult to say how common it is for women in monogamous relationships to lose interest in sex with their husbands, but I do think that guys don't tend to consider the difference between that scenario and losing interest in sex altogether. These discussions do seem to revolve around "why did she lose interest" or "what is wrong with her" without much consideration of the possibility that she may be very interested in sex but her husband is a lousy lay.

 

[Shi_One81]

Hormone changes, like others have said, is my guess. I was very lucky. I had a hysterectomy at 33 and was told to expect a decline in my drive and instead mine increased to an almost embarrassingly high level.

 

[Sex_Crazed]

There are so many different reasons women lose their sex drive. My wife's drive has slowed quite a bit. I did my research on the Tube with the You in it (I don't know if I can outright name it). You can learn all kinds of things there. The best thing to do would be for the two of you to go talk to a doctor about it. Hopefully she would be willing. Good luck.

 

[SlutAddicted]

I think that what you are looking at is the propensity for sexual pleasure among women or men who are interested in sex. It doesn't address the propensity of either gender to exhibit a lack of interest in sex. I'd be curious to see that data. I'll have to look it up.

But I think that it is valid to say that among heterosexual women and men who are interested in sex, men experience sexual pleasure more frequently and arguably more easily. It is difficult to say how common it is for women in monogamous relationships to lose interest in sex with their husbands, but I do think that guys don't tend to consider the difference between that scenario and losing interest in sex altogether. These discussions do seem to revolve around "why did she lose interest" or "what is wrong with her" without much consideration of the possibility that she may be very interested in sex but her husband is a lousy lay.

o the extent that the discussion revolves around women who's sex drive "just stops" the implication is that she did at one point have interest in sex. So I agree that it is a matter of why did she lose interest as opposed to whether she simply wasn't all that interested in the first place.

I think that there are a number of potential physiological or circumstantial changes that are completely or somewhat unique to women that may contribute to a decline in sex drive. But I also think that men are a bit too keen to attribute all that responsibility to the woman and ignore the possibility that we are part of the reason her sex drive is reduced. I'd bet that a good portion of women who supposedly lose their sex drive are among those that end up having affairs, which strongly suggests they in some cases they didn't lose their sex drive at all. They just weren't getting laid properly by their husbands.

 

[Get_happy_1]

I think that what you are looking at is the propensity for sexual pleasure among women or men who are interested in sex. It doesn't address the propensity of either gender to exhibit a lack of interest in sex. I'd be curious to see that data. I'll have to look it up.

But I think that it is valid to say that among heterosexual women and men who are interested in sex, men experience sexual pleasure more frequently and arguably more easily. It is difficult to say how common it is for women in monogamous relationships to lose interest in sex with their husbands, but I do think that guys don't tend to consider the difference between that scenario and losing interest in sex altogether. These discussions do seem to revolve around "why did she lose interest" or "what is wrong with her" without much consideration of the possibility that she may be very interested in sex but her husband is a lousy lay.

My wife was multi orgasmic and now there is nothing. I was the one who bought the vibrators, lingerie, opened the dialog on what she liked etc. So, if I am a lousy lay, I died trying. I don’t believe this issue can be boiled down to a simple answer. Given the multitudes of humans involved, there are many answers. The physiological and the psychological are both involved here I am sure. Add the stresses and strains of daily living, the sex life will suffer. It takes communication, awareness and work from both parties to keep things alive. So, on second thought, maybe it can all be boiled down to a simple answer, one person in the relationship stopped trying. An affair is a cop out.

 

[policywank]

Interesting thread with many interesting insights.

I'll add a few thoughts. First, anyone who uses the term "sex drive" as if its an on-off switch is part of the problem. Abandon that term and the thinking behind it. There are four principle aspects of sexuality that are relevant: (1) frequency; (2) duration; (3) variety; and (4) intensity. You have to consider them all together.

Combine a better and more complete understanding of sexual desire with differences in arousal triggers between men and women. Men are 6 times as likely as women to be spontaneously aroused - to want sex for no prompted reason. Women are mostly responsively aroused. It may be a kiss on the neck, some other way she likes to be touched, or that he washed the dishes in the sink. Find out what gets her going, and do that, and you will have sex. For every one woman sitting at a conference room table during at a boring work meeting and fantasizing about sex, six of the men at the table are doing it. Don't expect that it should be otherwise. However, once a woman has the proper stimulus to trigger her interest in sex, she is likely to be just as spirited and intense about the encounter as her male partner is.

Lastly, and a tip of the cap to KatieDoes for expressing this same idea in other words: make your partner a credible offer of a better sexual experience - better from her point of view, and follow through to meet or exceed the expectation you just created, and you will have more sex (some combination of more frequency, more intensity, longer duration, and greater variety).

If any man wants a fuller understanding of women's sexuality far into a long-term relationship including after menopause, I highly recommend a book by well-known, sex-positive author Joan Price - "Better Than I Ever Expected, Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty". You should both read it.

This is helpful perspective. I think that men do often see sex drive as a fairly simplistic thing and relate it to their own version of what that means. And to the extent that they do contemplate a woman's greater need for stimulation they think about generic ideas of "what women want" rather than observing the specific behaviour of the woman they are with.

I just thought of an interesting analogy. For men their sex desire is sort of like a pile of dry kindling sitting on top of crumpled up newspapers. The slightest spark will ignite it. A woman's desire is similar except without the newspapers. Just because it is a little tougher to ignite doesn't mean the energy and potential for fire is absent.

 

[EasyOnMe]

Divorce, lack of time, lack of sleep, lack of passion, bad or inadequate partners, health issues, etc.

 

[zoso682001]

I have been on LIT for awhile I have written 4 stories. I see/read about so many women that are sexually active in their 50's and even 60's..Why are some stilll active and why do some just shut down completely?? I think many divorces, (among other reasons) happen this way!

If you figure out the answer to your question you could wind up rich !

 

[emme8]

I can only speak for myself, but 3 factors kill my sex drive.

Stress-when I'm on vacation my libido increases.

Hormones- mid cycle I'm horney, pms stay the Fuck away from me

Medication- my antidepressants kill my libido. When I skip for a few days it's back, but the depression soon rebounds.


So occasionally I plan a vacation around my cycle and skip my medications and wear him out. Then the following week, or month, I feel like crap. I don't recommend it for everyone, every medication has different withdrawal effects and lag times until they work again. Ask your doctors before taking a medication holiday, but it's an option.

Is it worth it? Maybe, maybe not.


If Bob is horney and asks nicely, I will still play with him because I still love him, even if I don't want sex. I'm upfront, it's a quickie just for you so cum fast or I'll give him a hand job. Sometimes that is enough to get me in the mood.

Other time I turn into a porcupine. Don't dare come anywhere near me.


Because Bob is appreciative of my needs or lack both in and out of the bedroom, so I attempt meet his.

Also there really is something sexy about a man doing the dishes.

 

[Lady2020]

I have been on LIT for awhile I have written 4 stories. I see/read about so many women that are sexually active in their 50's and even 60's..Why are some stilll active and why do some just shut down completely?? I think many divorces, (among other reasons) happen this way!

In real life, the dating pool shrinks as one ages. You're not the same person you were in your 20s, 30s, 40s. You've learned that the man you found attractive when younger is not who you find attractive now. You think a venue like Lit might be an alternative. Then you learn it's not much of one. It's more like high school.

 

[Diosax]

Leave it to a bunch of men to discuss women's sexuality

Sounds familiar

 

[JoeBeans2751]

In real life, the dating pool shrinks as one ages. You're not the same person you were in your 20s, 30s, 40s. You've learned that the man you found attractive when younger is not who you find attractive now. You think a venue like Lit might be an alternative. Then you learn it's not much of one. It's more like high school.

That very well could be?

 

[JoeBeans2751]

Leave it to a bunch of men to discuss women's sexuality

Sounds familiar

I am just asking a question?? I have been with my wife for over 50 years between dating and marriage.

 

[KatieDoes]

I am just asking a question?? I have been with my wife for over 50 years between dating and marriage.

I think her point is that most of the men here are focused on spinning women‘s ’lack of sex drive’ into how it affects men.

 

[hulmule]

Speaking for myself, I'm almost 48. My spouse of 25 years passed away, and I became hypersexual lately!!
I'm Obsessed with sex!!
I'm perimenepausal, and totally needing to masturbate almost daily!!

Like to talk to you when your 60. Sorry of your spouse passing. Glad to see your in touch with your mind and body and enjoy masturbating.

 

[oneblueye]

If I interpret your comments correctly one would conclude that women are only modestly less likely than men to experience pleasure from sex. But when their partner is a man, women are substantial less likely than men to achieve sexual pleasure (I know sexual pleasure isn't isolated solely to orgasm but I am using it as a reasonable representation).

Therefore one would conclude that either men are the deciding factor in women's decreased sexual pleasure or there is something sexually unique about lesbians. I kind of doubt lesbians are so very different on a physiologically level. Perhaps they are different on a mental/emotional level but even then I would guess that any such difference probably relates more to how "in tune" they are with their partner and vice versa rather than some fundamentally different wiring.

Either way you slice it - whether for physiological or mental or emotional reasons - having a man as a sexual partner would seem to be a key factor in an observed reduction in female sexual pleasure. It is only logical that reduced sexual pleasure would be correlated with reduced interest. So is it really a matter of women's interest in sex waning or is it a matter of their interest in the sex available to them (i.e. with their SO) waning?

whether it's their interest in sex waning or the waning in interest of the available sex, the main re-occurring thing in both these pages and countless other pages with this same debate, arguement, discussion, exchange is or has gone in and that thing is "OPEN AND HONEST COMMUNICATION.
I don 't need to know about how to do, what to do, when to do, or how hard to do---, what I need to know is HOW DO YOU OPEN UP SOMEONE WHO REFUSES TO COMMUNICATE IN A CALM SANE MANNER WITHOUT THE ASSIGNING OF BLAME TO--, WHO DID WHAT, TO WHOM AND HOW MANY TIMES IT WAS ALLEDGEDLY DONE.