Why do some women's sex drive just stop? and others don't?

[hulmule]

I think her point is that most of the men here are focused on spinning women‘s ’lack of sex drive’ into how it affect

Dont think most men are that way. But trust me, it affects us men in multiple ways. Mentally we want to give pleasure to them and in a lot of cases its not a priority with them. I think a lot of us just want to show pleasure to our wive's. But they jusy dont have the drive. So we accept it the best we can. Have had endless conversations with my wife. Between menopause, depression meds she has flat lined. I know in my mind like to hear what women say, but you cant go by that cause its not your wife... So we come on Lit and hear all the arm chair sex therapy on how to solve it

 

[Fingerfuxs]

Speaking strictly in regards to our little bumble of lovers. A lot has to do with whom is your regular sex partner and what floats your boat. Kinks , fetishes and such. We aren’t poly so to speak , but do have lovers outside of our marriage that are relationships rather then just hookups.

In regards to the topic , female bi sexual relations enhance a marriage when for whatever reason physically a penis and penetration becomes not as desired for sexual satisfaction. At the end of the day there are so many reasons why ? If you love your life partner and they love you in return. This just isn’t a issue , it’s discussed then figured out between the two of you. You get what you give in a relationship , it’s selfish to put the topic in a box then pack it away as “normal “ or something that just happens.

 

[Mtnmike]

whether it's their interest in sex waning or the waning in interest of the available sex, the main re-occurring thing in both these pages and countless other pages with this same debate, arguement, discussion, exchange is or has gone in and that thing is "OPEN AND HONEST COMMUNICATION.
I don 't need to know about how to do, what to do, when to do, or how hard to do---, what I need to know is HOW DO YOU OPEN UP SOMEONE WHO REFUSES TO COMMUNICATE IN A CALM SANE MANNER WITHOUT THE ASSIGNING OF BLAME TO--, WHO DID WHAT, TO WHOM AND HOW MANY TIMES IT WAS ALLEDGEDLY DONE.

Have gone through the exact same thing, hard to communicate when one will not talk about it. Like beating your head against a wall, after a while you just give up.

 

[Mtnmike]

Dont think most men are that way. But trust me, it affects us men in multiple ways. Mentally we want to give pleasure to them and in a lot of cases its not a priority with them. I think a lot of us just want to show pleasure to our wive's. But they jusy dont have the drive. So we accept it the best we can. Have had endless conversations with my wife. Between menopause, depression meds she has flat lined. I know in my mind like to hear what women say, but you cant go by that cause its not your wife... So we come on Lit and hear all the arm chair sex therapy on how to solve it

Same boat brother, after year's you just quit caring.

 

[Diosax]

I am just asking a question?? I have been with my wife for over 50 years between dating and marriage.

I was talking about the fact that mostly men are offering answers. Not you for asking

I think her point is that most of the men here are focused on spinning women‘s ’lack of sex drive’ into how it affects men.

Yes

I will write a response to this thread when I'm on my computer (although I might forget lol)

 

[KatieDoes]

Have gone through the exact same thing, hard to communicate when one will not talk about it. Like beating your head against a wall, after a while you just give up.

I guess the good part of that is that she’s never ever nagged you about anything? Never complained about needs she had that weren’t being met?

 

[Mtnmike]

I guess the good part of that is that she’s never ever nagged you about anything? Never complained about needs she had that weren’t being met?

Only complaint before she stopped was, the sessions lasted to long, was this something that should have been a red flag? Idk, any ideas might help explain this for me.

 

[KatieDoes]

Only complaint before she stopped was, the sessions lasted to long, was this something that should have been a red flag? Idk, any ideas might help explain this for me.

I didn’t necessarily mean sex. Her needs, generally. She was never dissatisfied with anything else?

 

[Mtnmike]

I didn’t necessarily mean sex. Her needs, generally. She was never dissatisfied with anything else?

Oh sorry miss understood, she's never mentioned anything in particular other than she wish we had more money but don't everyone wish that? I mean we're not like, bills always paid, 2-3 beach vacations a year, which she love's, always keep her in newer car's, 3 kids put thru college. To me we've done better than a lot of people, just seemed more has never been enough.

 

[KatieDoes]

Oh sorry miss understood, she's never mentioned anything in particular other than she wish we had more money but don't everyone wish that? I mean we're not like, bills always paid, 2-3 beach vacations a year, which she love's, always keep her in newer car's, 3 kids put thru college. To me we've done better than a lot of people, just seemed more has never been enough.

What are the things that make her most feel seen and heard and valued?

 

[fma20fma]

please try bareback sodomy once a week or twice a month without inhibition in various postures ti kindle the fire in sex.

 

[Mtnmike]

What are the things that make her most feel seen and heard and valued?

Good question, she is not a people person, has no friends & doesn't like meeting people. Our kid's, grandkids, nieces & one of her sister's is the people she ever really interacts with & values the most. I've always tried to get her to open up, meet people, make friends, find things that she likes to do outside our home to no avail.

 

[Mtnmike]

please try bareback sodomy once a week or twice a month without inhibition in various postures ti kindle the fire in sex.

O hell No, tried that once & I almost didn't survive her onslaught afterwards !!!

 

[KatieDoes]

please try bareback sodomy once a week or twice a month without inhibition in various postures ti kindle the fire in sex.

Alternatively, you could try talking to your wife instead of taking this laughably bad advice.

Because this is a great way to wake up dead tomorrow morning.

 

[KatieDoes]

Good question, she is not a people person, has no friends & doesn't like meeting people. Our kid's, grandkids, nieces & one of her sister's is the people she ever really interacts with & values the most. I've always tried to get her to open up, meet people, make friends, find things that she likes to do outside our home to no avail.

Hmmm. That doesn’t really answer the question, though.

 

[Mtnmike]

Hmmm. That doesn’t really answer the question, though.

Sorry bout that, i guess I'm not understanding what you're asking?

 

[Diosax]

Please excuse any typos or anything that doesn't make sense, I don't have time rn to go back and re read what I wrote but will come to it eventually...

I think a lot of men commenting here fail to understand the complexity of women's sexuality and just pin it to mental health issues or hormonal imbalances when it is way more complex than that. Although that plays a factor too.

First of all, you can't talk about women's sexuality (or even men imo) without recognizing the effects that the patriarchy has in the way women view and feel their sexuality. Generally speaking, women are taught (directly or indirectly) that our bodies are to please men. Men are encourage to explore their sexuality from a young age while women get shamed. Again generally speaking.

Second, you can't put the emphasis on the lack of libido in women without accounting for the fact that there is a big imbalance in the division of labor at home. Even when women work, they also come home and are responsible for maintaining the household, taking care of kids etc. And then add the emotional labor that it takes to be in a relationship with men who are not into equity in the household. Again, directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously.

Third, being a woman is fucking hard. Although certain women, based on race or social status, have it easier, it is still fucking hard. Culturally, socially etc. So at the end of the day, can you blame a woman for being too tired and not wanting to have sex? Also I'm not saying that the reason women don't want to have sex just because they're tired.

Fourth, due to what I stated above in #1, men are generally not good at getting women off. See the orgasm gap. It is a joke for a reason that men don't even know where the clit is. Sex with men tend to be centered in their pleasure and what they think our pleasure should be like. It takes a lot of exploring and communication and willingness to make our experiences worth while when it comes to sex with men. Not only that, but men are too focus on orgasms, and even more focus in achieving their orgasm.

Now, with all that in mind, here are some other things to consider. And what I'm going to say is in no way directed towards anyone specifically, especially no one I've talked to, I'm not kink shaming, or shaming you for your sexual preferences but...

Sexuality is a spectrum right. It is evidenced by the hundreds of married men on this forum who secretly like to have sex with other men, suck other men's cock, that fantasize about their wife being with other men. So women can experience similar things, including being asexual, or demisexual or anything else. Do you foster an environment at home that makes communication a priority and safe place to give your wife the opportunity to feel open to discuss what she likes? Do you have other forms of intimacy that make her feel valued and not just a body that you get off to?

So many men claim that they are in sexless marriages, but there are women who say the same thing, so clearly some of you men aren't haven't sex either. I watched a video (okay it was a tiktok) that talked about how men tend to be the first ones to stop having sex in a marriage because they are the ones that start having performance issues and they are ashamed to seek help or open up about it so they withdraw instead (you can blame the patriarchy for that too). I tried looking up a source but got distracted and forgot about it. But I'm sure there's some true to it.

All that to demonstrate that it is fucking complicated and there is not 1 thing that can be applied to everyone. So idk, talk to your wives?

 

[oneblueye]

Have gone through the exact same thing, hard to communicate when one will not talk about it. Like beating your head against a wall, after a while you just give up.

I gotta believe my head is harder than the wall or the wall has already beaten me. Failure is not an option, literally. I believe my head is harder than that wall, that's the only reason I want to keep on trying.

 

[Fingerfuxs]

Oh sorry miss understood, she's never mentioned anything in particular other than she wish we had more money but don't everyone wish that? I mean we're not like, bills always paid, 2-3 beach vacations a year, which she love's, always keep her in newer car's, 3 kids put thru college. To me we've done better than a lot of people, just seemed more has never been enough.

I’m curious if you show her PDA on the regular? Public Displays of Affection.

Holding hands , kissing , just a smooch to show affection in front of complete strangers or your grand kids for no reason at all. Spontaneous just because , no other reason.

if not , that might be a good place to start.

 

[KatieDoes]

Sorry bout that, i guess I'm not understanding what you're asking?

I have more time to expand on it now…


there are exceptions, but many women (especially women of a generation and upbringing where they were conditioned to turn down, tone down, deny their sexuality) feel very vulnerable during intimacy. They need to feel safe, connected, valued, cherished, before they can even begin to feel aroused. Not valued for being a sexual body that’s willing to take your dick, but valued for who they are. As a person, partner, woman, completely aside from sex. If they feel dismissed and taken for granted outside the bedroom, there’s very little chance of them deciding to also risk feeling that way during sex. So they shut that down before it can start.

Obviously, I don’t know the details of your marriage. This might not pertain to you at all.

I talk to a lot of women about a lot of things. Some women have medical, physical or mental health issues, or a myriad of other tangible reasons that sex is not a priority for them.

But aside from those very real and very valid ( and frustrating) issues, the number one reason women have told me they stopped fucking their husbands is because their husbands behaved unfuckably. No one (ok, some, I guess, this is lit) no one wants to fuck someone that they also have to parent. No one is turned on by someone that doesn’t value them, their time, their contributions to the household. So I asked, what do you do that makes her absolutely certain that you value her? What is the most intimate thing you share with her that’s unrelated to sex?

It might be too late. I know its been years, so maybe that part of her is just too shut down now. Maybe that window is closed. Maybe she’s figured out how to get herself off efficiently in the shower in the time it takes you to eat breakfast, and she doesn’t want to bother with sex at all. I don’t know. But maybe someone reads this when it’s only been a month or so, and rethinks their approach and changes it.

 

[Mtnmike]

I have more time to expand on it now…


there are exceptions, but many women (especially women of a generation and upbringing where they were conditioned to turn down, tone down, deny their sexuality) feel very vulnerable during intimacy. They need to feel safe, connected, valued, cherished, before they can even begin to feel aroused. Not valued for being a sexual body that’s willing to take your dick, but valued for who they are. As a person, partner, woman, completely aside from sex. If they feel dismissed and taken for granted outside the bedroom, there’s very little chance of them deciding to also risk feeling that way during sex. So they shut that down before it can start.

Obviously, I don’t know the details of your marriage. This might not pertain to you at all.

I talk to a lot of women about a lot of things. Some women have medical, physical or mental health issues, or a myriad of other tangible reasons that sex is not a priority for them.

But aside from those very real and very valid ( and frustrating) issues, the number one reason women have told me they stopped fucking their husbands is because their husbands behaved unfuckably. No one (ok, some, I guess, this is lit) no one wants to fuck someone that they also have to parent. No one is turned on by someone that doesn’t value them, their time, their contributions to the household. So I asked, what do you do that makes her absolutely certain that you value her? What is the most intimate thing you share with her that’s unrelated to sex?

It might be too late. I know its been years, so maybe that part of her is just too shut down now. Maybe that window is closed. Maybe she’s figured out how to get herself off efficiently in the shower in the time it takes you to eat breakfast, and she doesn’t want to bother with sex at all. I don’t know. But maybe someone reads this when it’s only been a month or so, and rethinks their approach and changes it.

Thank You for explaining this, gives me some things to think about. I thought I was doing everything I could but maybe I've missed a thing or two. She has had health issues for a long time, she's a lot of medications for them & the side effects do affect her libido.

 

[KatieDoes]

Thank You for explaining this, gives me some things to think about. I thought I was doing everything I could but maybe I've missed a thing or two. She has had health issues for a long time, she's a lot of medications for them & the side effects do affect her libido.

It’s entirely possible that the issue is medical, that you’ve done every thing right, and none of the things I said apply. I don’t know you, or your life.


But I know that these suggestions from men who try to speak for women and think the answer is to buy her lingerie and sodomize her ain’t it.

 

[xxyyxx]

I haven't had too many women in my life but I have worked in teams with a lot of men all my life who have frequently talked openly about this. My experience from what most middle aged men say is that most women tend to shut up shop in two stages. The first one is a few years after marriage when frequency and enthusiasm drops and the second big drop is after having a family. The impression I get is while most men in their 50s are regularly up for it, most women given the choice would rather have a cup of tea while he did the ironing.

 

[oneblueye]

Oh sorry miss understood, she's never mentioned anything in particular other than she wish we had more money but don't everyone wish that? I mean we're not like, bills always paid, 2-3 beach vacations a year, which she love's, always keep her in newer car's, 3 kids put thru college. To me we've done better than a lot of people, just seemed more has never been enough.

"--, just seemed more was never enough,"

'More' of most anything is hardly ever the answer to anything. More is always nice to have and certainly is desirable but the 'answer' (?), rarely if ever. Even for those of us who we consider to be 'sex-starved', the having of "more" sex isn't the answer we need. It certainly would make things easier in our minds and the way we feel but the answer to the original problem is still the same.
The over all answer still is OPEN, HONEST, and SANE COMMUNICATION.

 

[hulmule]

I’m curious if you show her PDA on the regular? Public Displays of Affection.

Holding hands , kissing , just a smooch to show affection in front of complete strangers or your grand kids for no reason at all. Spontaneous just because , no other reason.

if not , that might be a good place to start.

Oh i ve tried that.Sad that i have to stand in front of her to get a peck of a kiss. Even from day one she wasn't into deep and long kissing, but when your in love dating you dont see those things. We just chatted yesterday about it again..." you just dont listen told you i have no interest in it anymore" But she came back to bed mid morning. So being i cant penetrate her because of menopause pain/dry i decided to just lay there. She rubbed me i rubbed her body. about 45 minutes. Then we got up and started the day. So i would be happy if she just kissed more and rubbed my body with out having to ask for everything. my 2 cents