Why Do Women Do This? Is It Ego???

[THEBRAT]

Jack you can tell her how you really feel and sure go to the Concert with her.

 

[madeline]

OOooooh- I want to contribute! Honesty! Communication! YAY! (Okay, I got a little excited- but you see I'm living vicariously through you). Tell her how you feel my fried! YOur instincts are right on. She is interested. Perhaps a little insecure. You have NOTHING to lose. It will oly make you more attractive i her eyes, I promise. You are in for a treat. I can't wait to hear the continuing saga....

All the best,

madeline

 

[NewEnglandBBW]

Cold feet, maybe?

I'm a female who tends to be standoffish, myself. Perhaps she is really shy, and has decided she can't follow through?? Maybe your mutual friend said something that turned her off? ( not necessarily anything bad, but just something that didn't set right with her).

I know I go with my gut, even if my heart (and everything else for that matter) says differently, so perhaps that's it.

Just 2cents from someone who DOESN'T tease men.

 

[daisyduke21]

Youve got nothing to lose

I think you should tell this gal how you're feelin. I think she really likes you, but it sounds to me like she's a bit on the insecure side.

The reason for all the late night and early mornin calls is to guage your feelings for her by your willingness to "go along with"(for lack of a better term) what she suggests. I dont mean that you do every little thing she says, I just mean that she's kind of using your reaction to the calls a kind of "love barometer" if you will.

Ive done the same thing, for example, if I think a guy wants to be more than friends, but Im not sure, I'd ask him if he wanted to go someplace or do something that two people who were "just friends" wouldnt ordinarily do. See what Im sayin??

In this case maybe thats something you should try, It may help you. Invite her out someplace romantic first, when she accepts, and when the vibe is right, spill yer beans darlin !! Tell her how you feel. Id just about bet thats what shes waitin on

 

[Jack Talk Thai]

Sounds like she likes me, eh? heh. The next chapter in this ongoing saga is a doozy. :/

Remember I told you how giddy she seemed to be when I told her I wanted to see her for a minute today? She actually giggled when I told her that, mind you. Well, I call her when I get into Manhattan, and I leave a message on her cel asking her to let me know when we can meet. Do you think she called back...?

Sigh...

You know, I accept the fact that women are just...I dunno, "unique thinkers". I guess what I want to say is--your moms, or society, or whatever has put it into your minds that you must play games with men. You simply MUST. Even when the guy has treated you like a princess, but also told you already that he is not about games. I've just about convinced myself that I have simply misread her signals. That's what this all amounts to. I'm not totally sure she's trying to play me; I've just misread it. Everything occured as I hve written it in this thread--hell, it DOES sound to me like the girl likes the guy when I read over it --but I mistook wht she was ofering, which had to be friendship. I think she avoided meeting me today because it was an uncomfortable situation for her. I dunno. I mean, I can't come up with ANY other explanations.

If she calls me again, I'll be truly shocked.

I'll kep her at a distance, though--no more getting together, even if she suggests it.

If it turns out she actually DOES like me, too late for that, as well. I can't go along with bullshit. It's done and over with.

It feels good to be able to come to this board and get this off my chest by sharing it with folk who are actually interested in helping me out. Your posts are MUCH APPRECIATED, and I think I'll stick around here for awhile.

Thanks.

 

[madeline]

I sure wish she'd log on so we'd have the other side of the story! Well jack, I'm sorry it didn't work out. I refuse to believe all women play midless games. I have been accused of it myself, but it was never a game. It was confusion and a desire not to hurt somebody's feelings so I was deliberatly vague. But, when I was called on it, learned my lesson. maybe if you were as honest with her as you have been here, you might learn what's going on in her head. And if she can't handle that level of honesty, she's not the gal for you. Okay, you already suspect that. But I suspect she'll call again. Shall we place bets?

Madeline

 

[THEBRAT]

Jack have you thought about offering her friendship at first? A friend is always there when their needed

Some of us women are painfully shy and afraid of being hurt emotionally & physically.

All of use Women DON'T play games with Men's minds.My Mother never taught me a damn thing! I had to learn the hard way.

 

[Jack Talk Thai]

I can understand what you're saying about being confused and unsure about things, and thus not wanting to lead the person on too much. The guy, meanwhile, gets mixed signals. Jeez, she's asking me to come back to Times Square to meet up again! This is GOOD! She's calling me at 7 AM--the moment she heard it mentioned on the radio, she said--to ask me to a concert in Central Park! And I didn't even tel you guys this part--she recently lost her job. When we first began our "getting to know you" phone conversations, she once STRESSED how she goes ALL OUT for her man. She stresed this to me as if she was trying to convince me, and this was our first "long, two-hour" phone conversation. Anyway, she lost her job, so I told her I'd go with her, of course, but I wasn't about to let her pay for the tickets. I'm sorry, I just have a thing about these types of situations. I feel wrong accepting things like that. She INSISTED she'd pay--"I'm taking YOU out." Okay, I relented. This instance and many others led me to believe, hey, she likes me. She ses I'm not trying to fuck with her head or play games, and she's told me she always wanted a guy who would treat her the way she treats him. She seemed to appreciate me. I gues I was wrong.

Maybe these things are her idea of Being Friends and I just misread it. Oh, well.

Life is funny. I tell my friends sometimes they should call me "Truman." It must be sweeps week.

 

[Dragonette]

My cents worth

I am old and still single. In my time - well..........
I think its all a part of testing, today, equality, a female can approach a male without having a nasty tag stuck on her. Things are very different now, more open.
Night clubs usually mean drinking too much, booze making one brave, a faulse hope. Regrets in the morning
Mind games are cruel always. I don't think it's actually ego, just a building of confidence
When you (male or female) meet the right one, then you will know
I met mine but wrong time, wrong life!
It's hard for us all, that's why it's called life I guess!
A learning experience.
Never give up hope, one day........






I have a wish, I have a dream.
My dream I wish, I dream for me.

 

[ericred50]

WOMEN, how can use guys hope to unravel the mind of a woman. Some like to tease, (you can look but not touch), some like please (come here big boy), others just have a friendly nature, a few do not like being ignored. But they are all the same if they do not fancy you have no chance.

So why can't a woman be like a man?

 

[Ree]

As much as I hate to admit it, she sounds like she is really too much to handle and it might be in your best interest if you just let it go. Not all women play mind games. I am sure that there is a woman out there that would love to have some of your attention and not treat you like a pawn in her soap opera life. Some of us come right out and tell you exactly what we want and why we want it that way. (Which can also be a little intimidating, or so I am told.) People in general can play mind games and hurt people, sometimes they mean to and other times it is by accident. I have a friend that I have told in no uncertain terms, at least I thought, that all I wanted was a sexual relationship from him but he still keeps thinking or suggesting that I am going to want more. Not likely, but I think there is more to that story then I am getting and he won't fess up about what is going on but that is a different thread. I suggest that if she calls back and wants to get together, take it slow and just be friends. If something happens later down the line when you are sure of her motives then you are ahead of the game. If not then at worst case you have gained a friend, albeit a strange one. Best of luck!

 

[Jack Talk Thai]

The Lizard King said it best, God rest his soul...People Are Strange.

She actually worked up the nerve to call today.

She gave a rushed, bullshit excuse for ditching me yesterday, and was now ready to hear what I had to say. I told her I had since realized it wasn't important. "Oh", she said. I told her to not worry about the tickets, I was going to go to the show with a friend and her mother (which I am). She had the nerve to sound dejected! She seemed at a loss for words, so I politely told her I had to go and that was the end of that.

And wht's funnier--

The friend I'm going with has been just a friend for a few years now, and lately she's been making little overtures.

Unfortunately, I'm not about to risk going through this nonsense again, so if she persists I guess I'll have to vanish from HER life, too.

Maybe one day I'll trust one of them again...but she's going to REALLY have to earn that trust, and from my experiences, I just don't see that happening.

 

[RisiaSkye]

I can't help but notice that you gave her less than 24 hours to get back with you before deciding that she was running game. Even for someone you don't know well, that's not much time.
And she called you back the next day. She did just lose her job, right? Any chance she was busy looking for one? Or some other perfectly understandable reason that you might not have been her #1 priority at the exact moment you wanted to talk to her?

I don't mean to be critical, but it doesn't sound to me like she's really screwing with you, at least not nearly as much as you're screwing with yourself. It took her a few days to call before, why did you assume she'd be in touch immediately this time? The longer you know someone, and the more you have invested in them, the higher they are on the priority list. You JUST met. If she stayed in touch, even if it took a couple of days, she's interested. You say that you don't rush things, but the whole fiasco has unfolded in less than two weeks--hardly enough time to really know what kind of person she is.

Remember, there's a difference between not taking any shit and rejecting anyone who even momentarily fails to meet your expectations.

A single word of advice from an unqualified but sincere observer: Patience.

 

[Blackbich]

It seems to me that many people who play games may not be doing so intentionally. They may be insecure and not able to deal with another person, especially one they're attracted to, as themselves. They may not know how to relate to another person in an honest and straightforward manner. And, in truth, they may be using you, the virtual stranger, as a way to buff up thier self-esteem.

Exactly. This is the reason both women and men do this. If I had $1 for every time a man begged and whined for my phone number just to not call later, I'd be rich! I think with both sexes it's a self esteem issue. Men also have a tendency to not call once they get sex from a woman - this is an asshole issue.

If someone presses a number on you and you call and all seems to be going well, and then - silence - well, it has nothing to do with *you* obviously, does it? You're a good guy. You've done nothing offensive. In fact, it's sad for them that they've not managed to see your sterling qualities, isn't it?

This is SO true. It's their loss and you are better off without them.

There's nothing wrong with you. There may or may not be something wrong with the women who did such things to you - but that's immaterial. They chose another course, one that feels hurtful to you, one that seems to lack honor and decency. You don't need such people in your life and are better off without them.

Thank you, cym. I couldn't have said this better myself.

Most people are good. Most people want what we all want - to be loved, to give love, to find a soulmate. We just all go about it differently, and therein lies the potential for hurt.

Keep your heart open, though, and know most of the women you pass in the street are looking for the same thing you're looking for, the same thing what we all want.

If you don't keep the bitterness out of your heart and stick to the philosophy cymbidia talks about above, you will become one of the people you are talking about because you won't care if you're hurting the people you come in contact with. I know you don't want this to happen. Once it does, it will take you SO many years to get out of that funk and you will have possibly missed Mrs. Right. Trust me, I know! Been there, done that.

 

[Blackbich]

You know, I accept the fact that women are just...I dunno, "unique thinkers". I guess what I want to say is--your moms, or society, or whatever has put it into your minds that you must play games with men. You simply MUST.

I've NEVER been told anything like this from my mom. Don't take this the wrong way but maybe you're putting too much emphasis on a woman's superficial qualities, hence the insecurity factor and need to play games. Also, if you're putting off the vibes that you expect women to act this way towards you, you may be drawing that type of woman to you.

Even when the guy has treated you like a princess, but also told you already that he is not about games.

And if I had a dime for every time a man told me he was serious about me and wasn't playing games, I'd be retired and living comfortably! I don't consider myself an attractive woman, and I've heard this tons. If Angela's as attractive as you say, she's heard it millions of times. Maybe 'Angela' heard this come out of your mouth and she's doubting your sincerity, thinking you're playing games with her. If you're sincere, you're going to have to prove it with actions and patience. Saying it is going to go in one ear and out the other. Even if she may sense you mean it, you're still going to have to prove it with actions.

I've just about convinced myself that I have simply misread her signals. That's what this all amounts to. I'm not totally sure she's trying to play me; I've just misread it. Everything occured as I hve written it in this thread--hell, it DOES sound to me like the girl likes the guy when I read over it --but I mistook wht she was ofering, which had to be friendship. I think she avoided meeting me today because it was an uncomfortable situation for her. I dunno. I mean, I can't come up with ANY other explanations.

Without having a chance to talk to her, I can't really give an opinion on this. I don't think you misread what was going on. I believe something made her want to step back and take stock of the situation.

If she calls me again, I'll be truly shocked.

I'll kep her at a distance, though--no more getting together, even if she suggests it.

If it turns out she actually DOES like me, too late for that, as well. I can't go along with bullshit. It's done and over with.

Why don't you treat her like a friend and tell her what you're feeling about what's going on. Tell her you are sorry if you over stepped your limits and that, if all she's wanting to offer is friendship, you're happy with that. Let her know you're getting mixed vibes. She may be unaware this is going on and will appreciate you bringing it to her attention. If you aren't willing to really talk to her about this, you aren't being much of a friend to her.

She gave a rushed, bullshit excuse for ditching me yesterday, and was now ready to hear what I had to say.

Maybe the excuse wasn't as bullshit as you thought.

I told her to not worry about the tickets, I was going to go to the show with a friend and her mother (which I am). She had the nerve to sound dejected! She seemed at a loss for words, so I politely told her I had to go and that was the end of that.

Is is possible you misread her and she really wanted to go to the concert with you? Maybe the reason for the 'loss of words' was surprise that you made a switch of plans and she is unsure why.

The friend I'm going with has been just a friend for a few years now, and lately she's been making little overtures.
Unfortunately, I'm not about to risk going through this nonsense again, so if she persists I guess I'll have to vanish from HER life, too.

Once again, if you are really friends with this lady, you will talk with her also about what's going on before you just vanish from her life. If she values you as a friend, she won't understand what's going on and will be hurt. Is this what you're trying to accomplish??

Maybe one day I'll trust one of them again...but she's going to REALLY have to earn that trust, and from my experiences, I just don't see that happening.

Okay, here's the bitch comment. I don't mean to belittle what you've been through but - Welcome to the world of women. We have been going through this crap for years. I empathize with what you're going through but I don't feel sorry for you. When are you planning to talk to these women? Yes, I'm all for them 'earning' your trust but from what I can tell, you're talking about a woman who didn't return your call in the time frame you thought she should have. They should have to earn your trust if they stole money from you, they blew off dates with you, etc. If a person doesn't call you back, you blow it off. If you can't learn to do this, you are going to be one miserable, bitter person.

Originally posted by RisiaSkye

And she called you back the next day. She did just lose her job, right? Any chance she was busy looking for one? Or some other perfectly understandable reason that you might not have been her #1 priority at the exact moment you wanted to talk to her?
I don't mean to be critical, but it doesn't sound to me like she's really screwing with you, at least not nearly as much as you're screwing with yourself.

Didn't see this at first. I think you're right.

Originally posted by ericred50

So why can't a woman be like a man?

Cause that would make all men homosexual and the homophobic men would be VERY VERY lonely.

 

[Jack Talk Thai]

I hear you, I hear you..."Welcome to the world of women". Heh. Actually, I've dealt with some pretty intelligent females in the past, so I guess I realize all women aren't like this...

I had a friend tell me an interesting story last week...she was telling some female co-workers about a guy she liked, and how the guy was showing lots of interest. She was considering asking him out to dinner, with the intention of "getting things rolling". Her friends almost had a fit, sh said. "No, no, don't do that! Don't even call him as much s you do! Act uninterested! That ay, you can see how much he REALLY likes you!" They evn told her to blow off her next date wih him, just to see what he'd do. I shook my headin disbelief as she told me this.

I guess ther are SOME silly-minded women out there (I'd give it about 80 to 85 %) who are going to either (A) Be alone all their lives because they're too busy playing mindgames with guys they really like, or (B) sabotage the potential relationships of their co-workers (misery loves company).

I have another friend--tall Black guy, like myself--who has gotten to the point where he ONLY dates outside the race because, according to him, every Black woman he's tried to be a faithful man to has played him. And I know some of these girls he's talking about.

I wouldn't go to THAT extreme--yet--but I can see where he's coming from, and I ain't mad at him, either.

In a perfect world, we could all meet That Somebody and great things would happen..but hey, this is life..

 

[ericred50]

Yep Jack I know what you mean. I have said it before, so I'm saying it again, WHY CAN'T A WOMAN THINK LIKE A MAN?

 

[THEBRAT]

Yep Jack I know what you mean. I have said it before, so I'm saying it again, WHY CAN'T A WOMAN THINK LIKE A MAN?

Eric if we women thought like you Men we wouldn't wear sexy Clothes that make your eyes po out of your heads.You would get bored pretty damn quickly!

Some of the Men & Women that I've met have the Intelect of a Snail.

Eric us Womens minds are wired differently.

 

[ericred50]

Hey, do not get me wrong, I love woman and would not change you all one little bit, I'm not a sexiest! It is just the way you all think, I do not mean about sex, I mean about all the other things that happen, like shopping, saving money, spending it, working, traveling, eating, etc, etc.

 

[THEBRAT]

A person after my own heart I pinch pennies because I know what it means not to have enough money to even buy food from the Grocery Store.

The last time my Husband and I went to Southern California was to a Family Members Funeral farthest we go is up to my Brother's who lives 60 miles away.

 

[ericred50]

So Brat you pinch pennies do you? I work long stressfull hours to earn mine, thats why I come to Lit to wined down and relax, to get rid of all the stress and frustration.

 

[THEBRAT]

Yes to make my money stretch from one month to the next month

 

[TheSaxMan]

It's Interesting...

You know, there are the women like some of you people have talked about, that play deliberate mind games with guys, but most women actually think pretty normally (This I don't know for a fact, but I'm making a little assumption here!). With me, I knew a girl for about a year and a half, and we started out as good friends, dated for a while, and then kind of went back to being friends (but I still liked her, you know how it is). Unfortunately for me, I was forced to move all the way across the U.S., so our relationship was really cut short. It was strange though, because on my last day with her we spent the whole day together, going different places and just talking, and I found out a lot. We talked about different times in our relationship, and how we had percieved what had happened, and I was amazed to hear how differently she had seen a lot of the stuff that we had been through. Later though, when I was thinking about it, a lot of the stuff she had seen, she had reacted to pretty much the same way that I would. I'll step away from ym pride for a sec and say this: Guys show some pretty mixed messages sometimes, that seem obvious to us, but to everyone else are pretty confusing. The other thing my girlfriend told me, was that if I had just told her how I felt during the last stages of our relationship, she would have probably have acted a lot differently. The problem is, that no body really understands the messages that other people think are obvious, be it guys or girls. That means there's only really one way to make sure that she knows how you feel and likewise, to ask and tell. The last day I had with my girlfriend was one of the most open and exciting times we ever had, and I just wish I had done it sooner. Now I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere missing her a lot! Crazy stuff happens, and you never know when your relationship might get cut short. Be open, if she shuns you, so be it, but then at least you won't be confused about how she feels.

 

[Blackbich]

Re: It's Interesting...

You know, there are the women like some of you people have talked about, that play deliberate mind games with guys, but most women actually think pretty normally (This I don't know for a fact, but I'm making a little assumption here!).

Thank you. I am one of those women.

It was strange though, because on my last day with her we spent the whole day together, going different places and just talking, and I found out a lot. We talked about different times in our relationship, and how we had percieved what had happened, and I was amazed to hear how differently she had seen a lot of the stuff that we had been through. Later though, when I was thinking about it, a lot of the stuff she had seen, she had reacted to pretty much the same way that I would. I'll step away from ym pride for a sec and say this: Guys show some pretty mixed messages sometimes, that seem obvious to us, but to everyone else are pretty confusing. The other thing my girlfriend told me, was that if I had just told her how I felt during the last stages of our relationship, she would have probably have acted a lot differently. The problem is, that no body really understands the messages that other people think are obvious, be it guys or girls. That means there's only really one way to make sure that she knows how you feel and likewise, to ask and tell. Be open, if she shuns you, so be it, but then at least you won't be confused about how she feels.

Thank you TheSaxMan. You said that a hell of a lot better than I could have. All I can say is...


TheSaxMan - you da shit!!!

 

[Blackbich]

I hear you, I hear you..."Welcome to the world of women". Heh.

I didn't mean to come across bitchy. I'm just saying women deal with the same crap.

Actually, I've dealt with some pretty intelligent females in the past, so I guess I realize all women aren't like this...

Thank you. I now have hope for you, my brutha.

I had a friend tell me an interesting story last week...she was telling some female co-workers about a guy she liked, and how the guy was showing lots of interest. She was considering asking him out to dinner, with the intention of "getting things rolling". Her friends almost had a fit, sh said. "No, no, don't do that! Don't even call him as much s you do! Act uninterested! That ay, you can see how much he REALLY likes you!" They evn told her to blow off her next date wih him, just to see what he'd do. I shook my headin disbelief as she told me this.

This is the most asinine advice I've ever heard! Women like this feel that a man should do all the work with pursuing a woman. Apparently they think a man would not be interested in a woman who appeared in the least bit aggressive. I hope your friend tossed that out of the window. It's this type of attitude that produces the game mentality that men perceive women play. This doesn't make any sense to me.

I have another friend--tall Black guy, like myself--who has gotten to the point where he ONLY dates outside the race because, according to him, every Black woman he's tried to be a faithful man to has played him. And I know some of these girls he's talking about.

I wouldn't go to THAT extreme--yet--but I can see where he's coming from, and I ain't mad at him, either.

I say more power to your friend but I bet he'd cop an attitude if he heard a black woman say she only dated men outside the race because of having been 'played' so much.

I want to tell you about a conversation me and my roommate just had the other night. It actually reminded me of you, Jack, and I wanted to tell you about it.

He has been having the same type of problem - meeting flakes, etc. I told him I could tell him what was going on but that he wouldn't like it. I believe you can draw a certain type of person to you based on the 'vibes' you put off. My roommate has a 'Knight in Shining Armor' complex that is obvious to anyone who's paid close attention to him. He puts out those vibes attracting the helpless, I don't have a mind in my head type of woman. When I, in depth, explained to him what I meant, he acknowledged what I said was true. Maybe you and your friend are putting off whacky vibes to flaky women. I swear my sister has an invisible sign on her head that says, "If you're going to beat me, rob me, not work and take all my money so I have to take care of you, please ask me out." Her friends and family just can't see it. It's the same way that abusers and abusees tend to find each other. Did I just make sense or am I babbling?

In a perfect world, we could all meet That Somebody and great things would happen..but hey, this is life..

It will happen, you just have to go through a lot of weeds before you find your rose.