Widows and widowers 2

[Strixaluco]

I was never married but we new each other 21 years and together for 16. I wish I could sit here and write what a wonderful loving relationship we had but unfortunately I can't. He was a narsasistist always in recovery addict. I should have left him a long time ago but I didn't and there are few reasons why. It's been 3.5 years since I found him OD and once I knew he wasn't coming back I went into survival mode. How am I going to do this alone with a kid. Well I did it and pretty dam good I must say. It's sad to say mine and my daughters days are better with him. After survival mode I went to hate. He lied and cheated so much but I knew in the back of my mind he was but I never had solid proof. After hating him I am starting to grieve him. Any relationship that I have before this happens will never last and it won't be fair to the other person. I know one day I'll meet my person it just hasn't happened yet. So until that happens I'll happily stick with my Lit lol

It makes the grief rather complex when there has been so much bad stuff happening.

I hope you find your person soon.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

I was never married but we new each other 21 years and together for 16. I wish I could sit here and write what a wonderful loving relationship we had but unfortunately I can't. He was a narsasistist always in recovery addict. I should have left him a long time ago but I didn't and there are few reasons why. It's been 3.5 years since I found him OD and once I knew he wasn't coming back I went into survival mode. How am I going to do this alone with a kid. Well I did it and pretty dam good I must say. It's sad to say mine and my daughters days are better with him. After survival mode I went to hate. He lied and cheated so much but I knew in the back of my mind he was but I never had solid proof. After hating him I am starting to grieve him. Any relationship that I have before this happens will never last and it won't be fair to the other person. I know one day I'll meet my person it just hasn't happened yet. So until that happens I'll happily stick with my Lit lol

Married or not, he was your partner in life. Relationships are so complicated. We are here to support you in your journey.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I was never married but we new each other 21 years and together for 16. I wish I could sit here and write what a wonderful loving relationship we had but unfortunately I can't. He was a narsasistist always in recovery addict. I should have left him a long time ago but I didn't and there are few reasons why. It's been 3.5 years since I found him OD and once I knew he wasn't coming back I went into survival mode. How am I going to do this alone with a kid. Well I did it and pretty dam good I must say. It's sad to say mine and my daughters days are better with him. After survival mode I went to hate. He lied and cheated so much but I knew in the back of my mind he was but I never had solid proof. After hating him I am starting to grieve him. Any relationship that I have before this happens will never last and it won't be fair to the other person. I know one day I'll meet my person it just hasn't happened yet. So until that happens I'll happily stick with my Lit lol

I can relate to this in a way.
Today is the day, though 3 years ago, that my ex husband was found passed away from an OD also.
Addicts can be liars, my husband was. He was my best friend, but he had his addict characteristics also.

I miss my husband every day.

 

[Strixaluco]

I talk about "my late husband" though we weren't married either. But in Finnish there's only 1 letter difference between wedded/unwed spouses. And you can also just drop off the defining first part and talk about spouse/husband/wife without specifying if it's wedded or unwed.

It didn't really make much difference, except for some official paperwork after his death. I was named as his closest in the hospital, and there was nothing to inherit in our case. I just didn't have to list my property in his deed like married couples do.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

When I started this forum, I wish I added loss of life partner. All are welcome as it is about our feelings of the loss of someone we loved.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I talk about "my late husband" though we weren't married either. But in Finnish there's only 1 letter difference between wedded/unwed spouses. And you can also just drop off the defining first part and talk about spouse/husband/wife without specifying if it's wedded or unwed.

It didn't really make much difference, except for some official paperwork after his death. I was named as his closest in the hospital, and there was nothing to inherit in our case. I just didn't have to list my property in his deed like married couples do.

My relationship fit the "it's complicated" category, if you will.
We were legally married for 25 years, but technically separated about half that.

 

[Strixaluco]

When I started this forum, I wish I added loss of life partner. All are welcome as it is about our feelings of the loss of someone we loved.

Well, for me what I wrote applies even to widows. You don't need to have been married to be a widow.

 

[Lilianna23]

I found a "meetup" group of active widows and widowers. We get together for walks, dinners and brunches. Maybe you can find some group like that near you.

How did you find this group, B2?

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

How did you find this group, B2?

“Meet up” is a national app and depending on your location there can be a group ready to join. The other helpful group of widows and widowers was through the local hospice. I suggest try searching for both on the internet. I found that there are groups on Facebook and found local widows and widowers there as well.

If you need more help just DM me.

 

[Lilianna23]

Thank you, B2!

Hello, all. I'm a new widow of just a few weeks. My husband of 30 years died suddenly. I'm still not sure how I'm feeling. I feel very fortunate to have very good friends, both IRL and virtually, as well as supportive family.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Thank you, B2!

Hello, all. I'm a new widow of just a few weeks. My husband of 30 years died suddenly. I'm still not sure how I'm feeling. I feel very fortunate to have very good friends, both IRL and virtually, as well as supportive family.

We are here to support each other through a journey we wish we were not on. Hugs

 

[LoneMilf]

I'm sorry for your loss, Lilianna.
Don't worry about how you feel about it - it takes time to digest. There is no right and wrong way to react and it takes everyone differently.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

Thank you, B2!

Hello, all. I'm a new widow of just a few weeks. My husband of 30 years died suddenly. I'm still not sure how I'm feeling. I feel very fortunate to have very good friends, both IRL and virtually, as well as supportive family.

Lillianna,
I'm soo, soo sorry. My husband of 25 years also died suddenly 2 months before I joined lit.
I'm so glad you have some great supportive people. Losing my spouse was the hardest death I've experienced, next to losing my sister.
This is a great thread here to express yourself and your feelings.

 

[imamdboy]

Thank you, B2!

Hello, all. I'm a new widow of just a few weeks. My husband of 30 years died suddenly. I'm still not sure how I'm feeling. I feel very fortunate to have very good friends, both IRL and virtually, as well as supportive family.

So sorry to hear this, i lost my wife of 25 years last year. I can't believe it has been over a year now. I started out telling people i was fine/Ok/Making it. I was lying. Once i started admitting to my messed up status i did better.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

So sorry to hear this, i lost my wife of 25 years last year. I can't believe it has been over a year now. I started out telling people i was fine/Ok/Making it. I was lying. Once i started admitting to my messed up status i did better.

It’s what people want to hear not the truth! I wanted to shout:” how the hell do you think I am doing?”

Our society is not informed on how to help those in grief.

 

[Strixaluco]

Thank you, B2!

Hello, all. I'm a new widow of just a few weeks. My husband of 30 years died suddenly. I'm still not sure how I'm feeling. I feel very fortunate to have very good friends, both IRL and virtually, as well as supportive family.

I'm so sorry for your loss

You'll figure out how you feel, eventually. And you will also probably go through the whole spectrum of feelings over time - that's what tends to happen. Just remember that it's ok to be happy or angry just as well as sad. Or if there's relief - that's ok, too.

 

[imamdboy]

It’s what people want to hear not the truth! I wanted to shout:” how the hell do you think I am doing?”

Our society is not informed on how to help those in grief.

Yup, exactly. I did luckily have some that had been through the same thing and they didn't ask that. They would ask are you sleeping yet or are you eating, those kind of questions and they truly cared, really helped.

 

[Lilianna23]

I'm sorry for your loss, Lilianna.
Don't worry about how you feel about it - it takes time to digest. There is no right and wrong way to react and it takes everyone differently.

Thank you!

 

[Lilianna23]

Lillianna,
I'm soo, soo sorry. My husband of 25 years also died suddenly 2 months before I joined lit.
I'm so glad you have some great supportive people. Losing my spouse was the hardest death I've experienced, next to losing my sister.
This is a great thread here to express yourself and your feelings.

Thank you! It was interesting reading. It's nice to have a community here that can support each other.

 

[Lilianna23]

So sorry to hear this, i lost my wife of 25 years last year. I can't believe it has been over a year now. I started out telling people i was fine/Ok/Making it. I was lying. Once i started admitting to my messed up status i did better.

We don't do death well in the US. Many don't know what to say to us. I decided to be honest from the start. When I'm not OK, I tell people. It's really hard to do because I'm not comfortable being on the receiving end of care.

 

[Lilianna23]

It’s what people want to hear not the truth! I wanted to shout:” how the hell do you think I am doing?”

Our society is not informed on how to help those in grief.

So true! It makes others uncomfortable.

 

[Lilianna23]

I'm so sorry for your loss

You'll figure out how you feel, eventually. And you will also probably go through the whole spectrum of feelings over time - that's what tends to happen. Just remember that it's ok to be happy or angry just as well as sad. Or if there's relief - that's ok, too.

Thank you!

I have OK days and what I call "not OK" days. Sometimes I feel like I run the continuum of feelings all day. I'm still incredibly angry and sad.

 

[Lilianna23]

Yup, exactly. I did luckily have some that had been through the same thing and they didn't ask that. They would ask are you sleeping yet or are you eating, those kind of questions and they truly cared, really helped.

Most of my friends are nurses, as am I. They ask me these questions. I know what to do, but have had difficulty at times doing it. Concentrating on the little things, like drinking enough water, helps to order my mind. Having my little dog also helps so much. I must be present in order to care for her.

I'm learning to let go of the "shoulds" and trying to just take care of the basic things.

 

[Strixaluco]

Thank you!

I have OK days and what I call "not OK" days. Sometimes I feel like I run the continuum of feelings all day. I'm still incredibly angry and sad.

Totally understandable, it takes more than a few weeks for it to even out. In fact, here some mourning peer support weekends only take people for whom 6 months has passed, because before that the feelings can be so all over the place.

Concentrating on the little things, like drinking enough water, helps to order my mind.

I got one piece of advice that actually helped, so I'm spreading it forward: arrange it so that you always have something positive to wait for. Doesn't matter if it's big or small thing, and you know best what works for you. Hot bath, a long walk in nature, meeting a friend, some trip... Whatever! The one I heard this from had waited for many weeks for a peer support activity day. I seemed to need something every week for it to be effective, and for me (still during the pandemic, with limited travelling) it was often a long walk while calling a trusted friend.

It doesn't make you stop mourning (that would even be unhealthy), but it helps you through it.

 

[BenHoping]

So sorry to hear this, i lost my wife of 25 years last year. I can't believe it has been over a year now. I started out telling people i was fine/Ok/Making it. I was lying. Once i started admitting to my messed up status i did better.

I said I was fine for 5 years, and I meant it! I wasn't, but I thought comparatively I was making it OK. I had a comeuppance on the first anniversary of her death (near Christmas) but powered on through. Each year I could look back and realize, "Hey, I wasn't quite OK, but I'm better now." By the end of the 4th year I was reoriented to being a single rather than a couple with half of me missing. I'm sure the timing is different for all of us, and that we share some measure of hopeful self-delusion about where we are.

Lucky to have good IRL friends, including a dear friend whose wife died 2 months before mine. Did some self-care and "journaled" every day. 7 years out now, and I still journal a lot, if not every day. Had one early romance that went from year 1 to 4. That helped, but I'm glad she realized my overreaction to a new relationship. Maybe I'll stay single--comfortable with that now. Maybe I'll find someone who's a match and cohabitate. Can't quite summon the imagination to think I'll feel like a couple again very quickly.