Widows and widowers 2

[B2fromA2looking4U]

It's not that I don't find joy in anything. The things that used to bring me joy fall flat now. I'm a quilter and used to spend hours in my studio. Since my husband's death, I've sewn when I've absolutely had to, but not for myself. I laugh with friends. I enjoy going out but the things that used to matter seem to fall short. I suspect they will be replaced with other more esoteric things. Someone earlier in this thread said they have changed since their partner's passing. That resonated with me. My outlook has definitely shifted.

Everyone grieves uniquely; at their own pace, give yourself grace, and space as you need it. I’m glad you found this forum.

I have changed as I spent time learning who I am without my wife. I feel good about myself now but felt like I was going through the motions before.

My daughter asked for my help which triggered my internal paternity. Being a grandpa helping my daughter and grandchildren has given me purpose.

I want you to know we understand and are here to support each other on our journey through grief.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

Hello, it's been a bit since I wrote.
Sept 18th was my 3 years here on lit.
It was a reminder of my late husband.. Because he had just passed 2½ months prior.
I was using lit and lit men for a while before I found someone here that is teaching me it's ok to grieve. It's ok to have feelings, and be pissed off, most importantly.. It's ok to be happy.. It's ok to love again.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Hello, it's been a bit since I wrote.
Sept 18th was my 3 years here on lit.
It was a reminder of my late husband.. Because he had just passed 2½ months prior.
I was using lit and lit men for a while before I found someone here that is teaching me it's ok to grieve. It's ok to have feelings, and be pissed off, most importantly.. It's ok to be happy.. It's ok to love again.

Yes it is. I am glad you found someone.

 

[Lilianna23]

I was a bit sad and tired after attending my LW’s mother’s memorial yesterday. I went to support my stepchildren and they were the best part. I met others who knew my LW and realized this might be the last time I see them.

I feel better this morning but still surprised at my feelings yesterday. Feelings can pop up at anytime from any event.

Have a good day.

I've been dealing with some feelings for a few days. It results in what I call "lost" days when I can't seem to get motivated to do anything and also can't sleep. I've had some nightmares also.

I'm glad you're feeling better. So happy to have you validate what I've been feeling.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

I've been dealing with some feelings for a few days. It results in what I call "lost" days when I can't seem to get motivated to do anything and also can't sleep. I've had some nightmares also.

I'm glad you're feeling better. So happy to have you validate what I've been feeling.

Trust me, all here have had the lost days and sad days.

 

[drobert44]

I wish I'd found this thread sooner. Thank you for keeping it going. My husband and I met here in the very early days. He was funny and weird and larger than life. I always said I was the straight to his crazy. We had almost 20 awesome years together. The doctors refused to make the call to remove him from life support and forced me to make that decision. He died Nov 1, 2021. We both caught covid from our doctor of all people. We both went into the hospital. They put him on the ventilator without me getting to speak to him first. They wouldn't let us see him until it was too late. I carry so much anger still about the whole situation. The first year was a blur. I decided he had to go first because there's no way he'd have had the patience to deal with all the paperwork and phone calls. The second year absolutely sucked because it's when reality set in and the realization that he wasn't just out on tour somewhere or working in another city, but he truly wasn't coming back. Another 5 or 6 weeks will mark year 3. I still cry at the weirdest times, just maybe not as often -- or maybe I've just accepted that there will always be this layer of sadness just under the surface. I've forced myself to go out. His band still has the most important weekly gig that he championed. I worried they'd lose the gig without him, so I attended and kept up with his musical friends as a show of support. I've travelled quite a bit, which is really another advoidance. Oddly enough, the most blowback to how I've dealt with this loss has come from my closest friend and my sister. Both have criticized the way I've grieved and exhorted me to move on and get past it. I resent them their judgements of me and my life.

My biggest issue has been a continued lack of initative. I just don't care about the things that used to bring me joy. I'm still forcing myself and going through motions. I have a parcel of grandchildren, most who live nearby for whom I'm asked to babysit often. I joined a women's group my daughter is involved with and sign up for charity shifts to get me out of the house. It's like i'm living in layers. People see the outer layer and think all is well. If people asked how I'm doing, they really don't want to know the truth. They really want the lie. It's just exhausting sometimes.

I have dated a few widows, and am widowed myself. I got back into dating, love it, but of course its work.

 

[Lilianna23]

I wish I'd found this thread sooner. Thank you for keeping it going. My husband and I met here in the very early days. He was funny and weird and larger than life. I always said I was the straight to his crazy. We had almost 20 awesome years together. The doctors refused to make the call to remove him from life support and forced me to make that decision. He died Nov 1, 2021. We both caught covid from our doctor of all people. We both went into the hospital. They put him on the ventilator without me getting to speak to him first. They wouldn't let us see him until it was too late. I carry so much anger still about the whole situation. The first year was a blur. I decided he had to go first because there's no way he'd have had the patience to deal with all the paperwork and phone calls. The second year absolutely sucked because it's when reality set in and the realization that he wasn't just out on tour somewhere or working in another city, but he truly wasn't coming back. Another 5 or 6 weeks will mark year 3. I still cry at the weirdest times, just maybe not as often -- or maybe I've just accepted that there will always be this layer of sadness just under the surface. I've forced myself to go out. His band still has the most important weekly gig that he championed. I worried they'd lose the gig without him, so I attended and kept up with his musical friends as a show of support. I've travelled quite a bit, which is really another advoidance. Oddly enough, the most blowback to how I've dealt with this loss has come from my closest friend and my sister. Both have criticized the way I've grieved and exhorted me to move on and get past it. I resent them their judgements of me and my life.

My biggest issue has been a continued lack of initative. I just don't care about the things that used to bring me joy. I'm still forcing myself and going through motions. I have a parcel of grandchildren, most who live nearby for whom I'm asked to babysit often. I joined a women's group my daughter is involved with and sign up for charity shifts to get me out of the house. It's like i'm living in layers. People see the outer layer and think all is well. If people asked how I'm doing, they really don't want to know the truth. They really want the lie. It's just exhausting sometimes.

Oh, hun! I'm so very sorry! No one gets to tell you how to grieve. It happens as it will happen and it's different for each person.

I applaud your commitment to your husband's band. That is a lot of emotional work for you.

This thread has been very helpful for me as I'm a new widow. I hope it is for you as well.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Sometimes I hear a few wise words in a TV show. One recently was: “ There is no putting grief behind you, there is only through. We are going through it not in the same way but together.”

 

[Lilianna23]

Sometimes I hear a few wise words in a TV show. One recently was: “ There is no putting grief behind you, there is only through. We are going through it not in the same way but together.”

Right? The only way for anything in this life is through.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Can you believe the a scammer who I once discovered and shut them down had the gall to try again? They prey on any lonely hearts they can find.

 

[Strixaluco]

Can you believe the a scammer who I once discovered and shut them down had the gall to try again? They prey on any lonely hearts they can find.

Unfortunately I can. I don't even think they keep track of who they have already tried.

 

[someplace]

Can you believe the a scammer who I once discovered and shut them down had the gall to try again? They prey on any lonely hearts they can find.

It's ridiculous on Facebook. And one reason I have not switched my status to "widowed" -- might as well put a red flashing light above my head.

 

[Lilianna23]

Can you believe the a scammer who I once discovered and shut them down had the gall to try again? They prey on any lonely hearts they can find.

Despicable!

 

[Lilianna23]

It's ridiculous on Facebook. And one reason I have not switched my status to "widowed" -- might as well put a red flashing light above my head.

I've not changed my status here or on any SM.

 

[Strixaluco]

I've not changed my status here or on any SM.

Me neither - I hadn't put even my attached status to FB.

But I stopped getting any scammer messages already earlier, when I put a notice in my profile, "Won't reply to DM's from unknown men". So apparently the FB scammers may even read the profiles.

 

[lit_ch3]

So it's been almost a year now for me. There's been the obvious physical and administrative things to contend with, and that's been fine. Mostly, anyway.

Last week I went through a couple big drawers of photos. And didn't save a lot. We never had kids, so, frankly, after I'm gone, no one's gonna give a fuck. But the ones I kept, I'll treasure.

Had our first sub-40 degree morning here today. And I have an armoir full of sweaters that someone will need soon. The local church that collects the majority of this stuff has given me their schedule when they get to the items before the profit-motivated scavengers do, so I know when to leave for maximum direct effect.

Months ago, I had a bunch of medical-related stuff that needed new homes. Took some work, and some time, but placed it all with those that really needed it.

While there's some not insignificant emotions that go with cleaning things out, to the extent I know they're gonna help those in need goes a ways toward making it easier.

 

[Lilianna23]

So it's been almost a year now for me. There's been the obvious physical and administrative things to contend with, and that's been fine. Mostly, anyway.

Last week I went through a couple big drawers of photos. And didn't save a lot. We never had kids, so, frankly, after I'm gone, no one's gonna give a fuck. But the ones I kept, I'll treasure.

Had our first sub-40 degree morning here today. And I have an armoir full of sweaters that someone will need soon. The local church that collects the majority of this stuff has given me their schedule when they get to the items before the profit-motivated scavengers do, so I know when to leave for maximum direct effect.

Months ago, I had a bunch of medical-related stuff that needed new homes. Took some work, and some time, but placed it all with those that really needed it.

While there's some not insignificant emotions that go with cleaning things out, to the extent I know they're gonna help those in need goes a ways toward making it easier.

That's a lot of work! I haven't begun to go through pictures or most of his things. I did take some of his hearing aids to his audiologist. There's a bag of things riding around in my car. Glasses, more HA equipment, etc. I'm still feeling like it's all I can do to keep my head above water.

 

[lit_ch3]

That's a lot of work! I haven't begun to go through pictures or most of his things. I did take some of his hearing aids to his audiologist. There's a bag of things riding around in my car. Glasses, more HA equipment, etc. I'm still feeling like it's all I can do to keep my head above water.

If I recall, it was very sudden with your husband. I'm sure I'd be doing the same, constantly looking around, thinking 'wtf just happened? how'd things end up like this?'

With my wife, it was not so sudden, and the caregiving part was literally killing me. I don't mind admitting there was some relief.

She passed a week or so before Thanksgiving, and there was a roomful of medical supplies and equipment. I made it my mission to find a home for all. Which I was able to do before Christmas. It took a lot of burdens off a lot of people around the holidays and that made things quite a bit better, delivering things around and seeing their gratitude.

At times I think I just put off grieving till later by doing all that, sometimes it hits me hard, while others I'm so glad for her she's not suffering anymore. Like so many in this thread have said, it's a process, it's uneven, it moves in fits and starts but it does seem to lessen over time.

We've spoken before. Pm's are always open for you.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

If I recall, it was very sudden with your husband. I'm sure I'd be doing the same, constantly looking around, thinking 'wtf just happened? how'd things end up like this?'

With my wife, it was not so sudden, and the caregiving part was literally killing me. I don't mind admitting there was some relief.

She passed a week or so before Thanksgiving, and there was a roomful of medical supplies and equipment. I made it my mission to find a home for all. Which I was able to do before Christmas. It took a lot of burdens off a lot of people around the holidays and that made things quite a bit better, delivering things around and seeing their gratitude.

At times I think I just put off grieving till later by doing all that, sometimes it hits me hard, while others I'm so glad for her she's not suffering anymore. Like so many in this thread have said, it's a process, it's uneven, it moves in fits and starts but it does seem to lessen over time.

We've spoken before. Pm's are always open for you.

My experience was similar as my wife had cancer. Toward the end, the caregiving was taking its toll. I have posted my poetry about caregiver blues here.

Within the first few months, I just donated and got rid of things about cancer. I was in a fog. When the fog lifted, realities set in.

I am still getting rid of stuff but it’s different stuff. Life is changing with more time with adult children and grandchildren, friends of over 40 years, and new friends with others wids.

Wishing you the best.

 

[Lilianna23]

If I recall, it was very sudden with your husband. I'm sure I'd be doing the same, constantly looking around, thinking 'wtf just happened? how'd things end up like this?'

With my wife, it was not so sudden, and the caregiving part was literally killing me. I don't mind admitting there was some relief.

She passed a week or so before Thanksgiving, and there was a roomful of medical supplies and equipment. I made it my mission to find a home for all. Which I was able to do before Christmas. It took a lot of burdens off a lot of people around the holidays and that made things quite a bit better, delivering things around and seeing their gratitude.

At times I think I just put off grieving till later by doing all that, sometimes it hits me hard, while others I'm so glad for her she's not suffering anymore. Like so many in this thread have said, it's a process, it's uneven, it moves in fits and starts but it does seem to lessen over time.

We've spoken before. Pm's are always open for you.

It was sudden and unexpected. I keep thinking if I had known, it might be better. It is starting to sink in that I'm a widow now.

I have put off grieving somewhat. My SIL was strongly encouraging me to seek counseling early. I did make two appointments but canceled both. I wasn't ready. However, I think the time has come. I'm not good at therapy; I would classify myself as having failed multiple times. It's very difficult for me to open up. I'm a very fun superficial person but I don't let many in. Maybe because I was raised in the military and we moved so often. I was continually reinventing myself.

I'm glad you were able to help others by donating your wife’s medical equipment. Are the holidays hard for you? IDK how it will be for me this year.

I do appreciate your support. It's really helpful to talk with others who are going through this journey.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

It was sudden and unexpected. I keep thinking if I had known, it might be better. It is starting to sink in that I'm a widow now.

I have put off grieving somewhat. My SIL was strongly encouraging me to seek counseling early. I did make two appointments but canceled both. I wasn't ready. However, I think the time has come. I'm not good at therapy; I would classify myself as having failed multiple times. It's very difficult for me to open up. I'm a very fun superficial person but I don't let many in. Maybe because I was raised in the military and we moved so often. I was continually reinventing myself.

I'm glad you were able to help others by donating your wife’s medical equipment. Are the holidays hard for you? IDK how it will be for me this year.

I do appreciate your support. It's really helpful to talk with others who are going through this journey.

3 years ago my husband died suddenly.
I am just now being ok saying statements like, "my husband died" to people.
I drank so much after he died my liver begun to fail.
I have his guns and his bike and tools that I can't seem to sell or give away.

It's a daily struggle still.
I like that this thread is here

 

[drobert44]

3 years ago my husband died suddenly.
I am just now being ok saying statements like, "my husband died" to people.
I drank so much after he died my liver begun to fail.
I have his guns and his bike and tools that I can't seem to sell or give away.

It's a daily struggle still.
I like that this thread is here

My wife died off suddenly. But, you are among the living, and your hubs would want you to date.

 

[Lilianna23]

3 years ago my husband died suddenly.
I am just now being ok saying statements like, "my husband died" to people.
I drank so much after he died my liver begun to fail.
I have his guns and his bike and tools that I can't seem to sell or give away.

It's a daily struggle still.
I like that this thread is here

I am also thankful for this thread and those who are here to help others.

I say "died" as well. I really hate the euphemisms for death like "passed on." Even the people at the funeral home couldn't say "died" to me.

I stopped eating and drinking fluids so much that I put myself into a mild kidney failure. Luckily, I recognized what I was doing and started drinking more water. It's still a struggle to get enough protein and water, tho.

 

[Noor]

I’m 10 yrs out. Byron was scary bright, Eccentric, an episodic alcoholic, always full on, honest, a drama lama, often impossible, he wasn’t easy, but he was responsible and solid. Whenever we had a fight or disagreement, he made sure it got sorted out so we didn’t have that disagreement again. He communicated maybe a bit too much, but I knew where he was and where we were. He could stop on a dime, if I told him it was something I didn’t want and work on finding a solution. The solutions were often fairly unusual but they work. Since he has been gone everything seems quiet. I see other people, and there have been people that I am quite fond of, but it’s hard after you’ve been the light of someone’s life. About 6 months before he died I was quite ill and doctors thought I had all these types of cancers, I had tons of tests, and he was there , making me laugh, keeping track of everything, we really thought I would die first. About a month before he died, I was finally diagnosed he dove into finding out everything about it, and keeping me on track for each next step. Despite this we had a lot of fun and just like hanging together.
Since then I see other people, I am more comfortable with widowers because they seem to understand that you have a ghost who is part of you.
Dating is weird, hard to go through the minutia, and sometimes I just wanted to go home and read a book or watch mystery. There are men I knew from before Byron whom I were seeing until the pandemic. It can be hard when there are problems esp. people make their issues yours. I don’t have any tolerance for bullshit. I find a lack on full disclosure in many men, I don’t expect or want to know everything but I really don’t like when other people make decisions that effect me and then present it as a fait accompli without warning or any indication.
Part of me just wants to have fun, part of me wants to be more a part of the ones I care about, but part of me is fine with solitude.
Does this happen with anyone else?

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

It can be hard when there are problems esp. people make their issues yours. I don’t have any tolerance for bullshit. I find a lack on full disclosure in many men, I don’t expect or want to know everything but I really don’t like when other people make decisions that effect me and then present it as a fait accompli without warning or any indication.
Part of me just wants to have fun, part of me wants to be more a part of the ones I care about, but part of me is fine with solitude.
Does this happen with anyone else?

I am 2 years and 6 months out from when the love of my life died from a 2 year battle with cancer. In the early months some of her friends reached out to me and began dumping their problems onto me. I politely stopped that and felt angry they would do that in midst of my grief. I had no tolerance or empathy then.

After learning who I am without her ( a year of therapy), I was able to have a relationship with a woman similar in age. Both of us share the “no drama” mantra, family first priority and together but living apart life style. It’s working for us.

But yes, we want to have fun, enjoy each other’s company but like our solitude. You are not alone in your feelings.