Writing Challenge ~ January 2011 ~ Reviews and Comments

[Noon_Shadow]

The Black Dove ~ Alana

Really enjoyed this one. The subject matter is dark and horrifying, and the writing is really effective in bringing it out. It flows very well-the shifts from the present situation to flashbacks are all entirely appropriate and work well. It's definitely the way this one needs to be told, blending past and present, since Helena is always going to carry the past with her, even though she doesn't want to. I like that the story doesn't entirely shift into the present until the very end when she becomes Ellen. I can very easily see this serving as the introduction for a longer thread, or perhaps a novella, though it might need a tiny bit of tweaking in structure for that. As a single scene, it works out very well.

Just one general critique: it's clear that you wanted to use lots of ellipses as a style point, but I think you may have overdone it. Too many of them and they lose a bit of impact. It makes sense to write them into a flashback where there are pauses and shifts, but there are points where you might be better using some hyphens to set aside interrupted thoughts-like this-and others where you just want to use commas. It might have been much more effective if the present-set scenes didn't contain any ellipses, and especially at the end where her persona changes-I think it might really sharpen things up to change the style a little right there. That's the only critique I have, unless you want a little proofreading help.

Thanks for the story, I really did like it.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

The Mask of the Living Goddess - Ausus

LOVED this. Vivid, visceral, immediate.
I would have liked to have seen a slightly more gradual shift from her as a person (hating certain aspects of the upcoming ritual) to becoming, well, the tool or vessel of the ritual (where she is not a person anymore, but becoming one with the goddess).
But outside of that, I loved this

 

[PenIsMightier1]

I think I should really comment on the stories since I haven't yet....

The Black Dove - Alana
I think the most catching thing about this story was the fact that so far it has been the only story not about sex.

The writing style was a little disconcerted, but also I'm not sure if that's my own mind being a little unfocused sometimes. It made me feel a little like I was skimming.

Otherwise good, it was a little dark and the poetic justice in her mind was a great touch.

You Can't Keep me Here, I Can't Stay - Vail

Brutal and sexy. Very raw. Short, but in that way that drag racing is, a jump start into arousal.

Who's Beautiful Now? - Jewelskye

A sad story, that makes me conflicted, where I feel sorry for everything she has to go through. Though I wouldn't condone what she does, I would do the same thing in her position, so that's what makes a good story.

A pity that it is something like just pulling out a gun, but you capture her anger so well.

The Mask of the Living Goddess - Ausus

Very nice, I love how you've tried to sink the reader into this feeling of crazed desire/bloodlust of the ritual

 

[Britwitch]

The Mask of the Living Goddess ~ Ausus_gurl13

A very sexy piece but well written so it wasn't 'over the top'. You captured the sense of mania but without confusing or losing your reader (as in me, I'm easily lost! ) in the process.
Loved it!

 

[Noon_Shadow]

The Mask She Wears - PenIsMightier1

Great work. It's both very erotic and very clever. She's not really donning a mask, she's donning a persona, and they can be very powerful, especially over ourselves. I like how her appearance changed just from the mental adjustment. Sexy really can be a state of mind, and she's able to carry it off through the belief in herself-and honestly, a supremely confident woman can be sexy no matter what she thinks of her body, especially one with such singular intentions. There's some awesome underlying truth there. Plus, as I said, it's erotic. Very hot. I whole-heartedly approve.

 

[Alana_]

The Black Dove ~ Alana

Really enjoyed this one. The subject matter is dark and horrifying, and the writing is really effective in bringing it out. It flows very well-the shifts from the present situation to flashbacks are all entirely appropriate and work well. It's definitely the way this one needs to be told, blending past and present, since Helena is always going to carry the past with her, even though she doesn't want to. I like that the story doesn't entirely shift into the present until the very end when she becomes Ellen. I can very easily see this serving as the introduction for a longer thread, or perhaps a novella, though it might need a tiny bit of tweaking in structure for that. As a single scene, it works out very well.

Just one general critique: it's clear that you wanted to use lots of ellipses as a style point, but I think you may have overdone it. Too many of them and they lose a bit of impact. It makes sense to write them into a flashback where there are pauses and shifts, but there are points where you might be better using some hyphens to set aside interrupted thoughts-like this-and others where you just want to use commas. It might have been much more effective if the present-set scenes didn't contain any ellipses, and especially at the end where her persona changes-I think it might really sharpen things up to change the style a little right there. That's the only critique I have, unless you want a little proofreading help.

Thanks for the story, I really did like it.

Noon_Shadow, thank you for this..esp the critique.
It's a habit I have..and one I admit that is mostly not one I'm even aware of doing for the most part. I think my finger just likes the full stop button too much. There is no specific intent in using it, so I will watch out for that in the future.
I appreciate that you and I think it was Vail pointed it out to me, as I can now work on it, and punctuate better to better readable effect.

I'm also very happy you liked the story in general. It was something that just popped when I saw the picture. I was apprehensive, but it was actually a pleasure to sit and write. So I'm well happy with the feed back. Thank you.

 

[Alana_]

I think I should really comment on the stories since I haven't yet....

The Black Dove - Alana
I think the most catching thing about this story was the fact that so far it has been the only story not about sex.

The writing style was a little disconcerted, but also I'm not sure if that's my own mind being a little unfocused sometimes. It made me feel a little like I was skimming.

Otherwise good, it was a little dark and the poetic justice in her mind was a great touch.

Pen, thank you also. I'm a little bit of a scatter brain when I write, and it can reflect in my words sometimes. Hopefully if we do another project on this thread you'll follow how I write and I control my thinking a bit better. But thank you for the feed back.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

I've been meaning to say 'thank you' to the nice responses. I always feel funny doing that, I don't know why. But I do appreciate them!

 

[Alana_]

Mask of the living Goddess. Ausus.

Oooh Ausus..This for me, is incredibly incredibly beautiful!. This kind of thing I think is most women's dream,- to be had and given such pleasure beneath the secrecy of a mask. I found it very sexy, and very stirring. Long enough to give a fabulous image, but not so short as to lose out. Beautifully done..Thank you.

 

[Alana_]

Who's beautiful Now?Jewelskye.

I loved this..I always love when there's a bit of pay back. I think you captured the essence wonderfully. The only thing I think it might have lacked, was in the use of the gun at the end. Like someone else mentioned above, I think something that offered a bit more lasting impact would have given it a more powerful ending, ..but other than that, I loved it, and loved your writing.

 

[Ausus_girl13]

The Mask of the Living Goddess - Ausus

LOVED this. Vivid, visceral, immediate.
I would have liked to have seen a slightly more gradual shift from her as a person (hating certain aspects of the upcoming ritual) to becoming, well, the tool or vessel of the ritual (where she is not a person anymore, but becoming one with the goddess).
But outside of that, I loved this

As always, you hit the nail on the head, finding my weak point. It's always been your forte. Thank you, babe.

I think I should really comment on the stories since I haven't yet....

The Mask of the Living Goddess - Ausus

Very nice, I love how you've tried to sink the reader into this feeling of crazed desire/bloodlust of the ritual

Thank you.

The Mask of the Living Goddess ~ Ausus_gurl13

A very sexy piece but well written so it wasn't 'over the top'. You captured the sense of mania but without confusing or losing your reader (as in me, I'm easily lost! ) in the process.
Loved it!

There was a lot happening, and I tried to make sure every word counted. Thank you Brit!

 

[Alana_]

A Poison So Sweet..Noon_Shadow.

Well done! What a gorgeous erotic dream. I loved it, loved how it was put together, and the pacing was beautiful.
Lovely and easy to read, with plenty going on. You have a lovely knack with the little details, and depicting the feel of what you've captured. I could almost see a smoky filled room full of people all blocking his path to her, and feel his desperation. Beautifully done.
Just loved reading it, thank you for sharing.

 

[PenIsMightier1]

A Poison So Sweet - Noon Shadow

I enjoyed this one, well written, and not quite as dark as the others that have gone before, and the first one also written from a perspective outside of the woman.

Aside from a few missing words, it was very good, it also had a nice pace to it, and the feeling of ennui nicely contrasted against the hope and eagerness in the rest of the story

 

[Noon_Shadow]

A Poison So Sweet - Noon Shadow
Aside from a few missing words, it was very good, it also had a nice pace to it, and the feeling of ennui nicely contrasted against the hope and eagerness in the rest of the story

Thanks. I am terrible when it comes to proofreading my own work. My problems always arise from editing as I'm going along-usually the first thing that comes out is errorless, but I'll hesitate in order to make phrases more colorful or to alter the pace, and that's where my mistakes come.

 

[PenIsMightier1]

Thanks. I am terrible when it comes to proofreading my own work. My problems always arise from editing as I'm going along-usually the first thing that comes out is errorless, but I'll hesitate in order to make phrases more colorful or to alter the pace, and that's where my mistakes come.

I wouldn't say terrible at all, there was only one that I even noticed, when you say your arms and h are bound (I assumed you meant hands)

Besides we all have trouble self editing, I know I do, and I think that's partly what this challenge is about, helping each other be better writers

 

[Vail_Indigo]

Besides we all have trouble self editing, I know I do, and I think that's partly what this challenge is about, helping each other be better writers

Well, is it, though? Thats not the feeling I've gotten. Not really.
I'm going to sound really arrogant, here, I think, but becoming better writers isn't about having a remark or two made.
I mean, I've written to you and to Alana real criticism.
I did it in PM because I didn't feel it was appropriate to do here.
Am I not understanding the point?

 

[PenIsMightier1]

Well, is it, though? Thats not the feeling I've gotten. Not really.
I'm going to sound really arrogant, here, I think, but becoming better writers isn't about having a remark or two made.
I mean, I've written to you and to Alana real criticism.
I did it in PM because I didn't feel it was appropriate to do here.
Am I not understanding the point?

Well Brit did say that this was about giving constructive criticism, what else is constructive criticism for other than to help make something better.

It's obviously not entirely about that, but I think that's in part what it's about.
Even though you did it in PM you still gave some constructive criticism to help make the stories better

 

[SoulWeaver]

Well, is it, though? Thats not the feeling I've gotten. Not really.
I'm going to sound really arrogant, here, I think, but becoming better writers isn't about having a remark or two made.
I mean, I've written to you and to Alana real criticism.
I did it in PM because I didn't feel it was appropriate to do here.
Am I not understanding the point?

No, I think thats exactly the point. Its a vehicle to exercises our own minds firstly. And to allow constructive and thoughtful comment, via PM where appropriate. If you post, I think its offering it up for comment. Just, forums being what they are, publicly theres only so much that can be (should be) said.

 

[Noon_Shadow]

Well, is it, though? Thats not the feeling I've gotten. Not really.
I'm going to sound really arrogant, here, I think, but becoming better writers isn't about having a remark or two made.
I mean, I've written to you and to Alana real criticism.
I did it in PM because I didn't feel it was appropriate to do here.
Am I not understanding the point?

It's at least partially the point. Writing to things to see how others feel about them and perhaps learning more about what works and doesn't. You certainly agree, to some extent, if you're taking the time to provide a bit of critique. I'd like to know if my own submission was on the mark, or if it was pointless dribble that made zero impact.

I do agree with you, though, I think the main point is to provide a bit of interesting reading material. The challenge is come up with something compelling, perhaps erotic, but interesting, and to share it with anyone who cares to participate. I'm enjoying reading the submissions we've had so far, and in challenging myself to provide something creative as well. I guess that's the real point.

 

[Britwitch]

Besides we all have trouble self editing, I know I do, and I think that's partly what this challenge is about, helping each other be better writers

Well, is it, though? Thats not the feeling I've gotten. Not really.
I'm going to sound really arrogant, here, I think, but becoming better writers isn't about having a remark or two made.
I mean, I've written to you and to Alana real criticism.
I did it in PM because I didn't feel it was appropriate to do here.
Am I not understanding the point?

Well Brit did say that this was about giving constructive criticism, what else is constructive criticism for other than to help make something better.

It's obviously not entirely about that, but I think that's in part what it's about.
Even though you did it in PM you still gave some constructive criticism to help make the stories better

No, I think thats exactly the point. Its a vehicle to exercises our own minds firstly. And to allow constructive and thoughtful comment, via PM where appropriate. If you post, I think its offering it up for comment. Just, forums being what they are, publicly theres only so much that can be (should be) said.

You're all right

I only asked for 'constructive criticism' to stop pointless slagging off of pieces purely because people didn't enjoy them or agree with content.

I hope these challenges work as a few things, a chance to read new things from writers we might not yet have encountered, a chance as writers to exercise the old grey matter and try out new styles or approaches to subjects, a chance to have potential flaws pointed out and worked on for the good...and I think so far we've had just that. We've had explanations of why people have enjoyed what they have rather than empty compliments, helpful hints and offers of help...anyway...now to go read and review the latest submission

 

[PenIsMightier1]

You're all right

I only asked for 'constructive criticism' to stop pointless slagging off of pieces purely because people didn't enjoy them or agree with content.

I hope these challenges work as a few things, a chance to read new things from writers we might not yet have encountered, a chance as writers to exercise the old grey matter and try out new styles or approaches to subjects, a chance to have potential flaws pointed out and worked on for the good...and I think so far we've had just that. We've had explanations of why people have enjoyed what they have rather than empty compliments, helpful hints and offers of help...anyway...now to go read and review the latest submission

The witch has spoken

 

[Britwitch]

A Poison So Sweet ~ Noon_Shadow

Very sexy and, as others have said, very nice to have a view point other than 'from behind the mask'.
I really felt the sense of frustration and need he was experiencing, your choice of vocabulary is excellent too, you used some fabulous and under used terms and phrases!

 

[Alana_]

Post 37

This might have gotten lost in the posts, but I just wanted to make sure the Noon_Shadow knew I read his piece, and posted earlier.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

Okee dokee then...

Who's Beautiful Now:
So I had a couple of real real problems here.
The writing was solid, to be sure.
but...
1. the basic plot, to me, was a bad 80s teen movie. Now, granted, it takes a much darker turn, but I didn't ever buy the plot in the 80s, and I don't buy it any more now.

2. The protagonist's psychology doesn't work at all. A long, torturous session with a sadistic ex boyfriend and acid? The kind of psychic scars that would be left from that really undermines anything the character does.
"she'd never questioned his motives when he'd asked her out. "
That, right there, ripped me out of the story.
If I got into a car accident, and my face was horribly scarred, there's no way I wouldn't question someone's motives when they asked me out. If those scars were from being tortured by an ex? I would do far more than just question the motives. I'd probably be assuming something dangerous and sinister and I can't imagine getting involved with someone for years after that.

There's actually no reason for the scars to have arrived in such an over-the-top situation. I can see why you'd want to tie them to the boyfriend (though I am not convinced thats a good idea), but a long torture session? I think it would have made more sense to have him, I dunno, throw acid in her face. Something 'quick' as it were, impulsive and such. Then you have a situation where you can imagine the girl actually being able to function around a boy, and not someone you might picture locked into therapy for the next 100 years.

It may sound like I'm nitpicking here, but this is the kind of thing that keeps me from believing in a character, and if I can't believe in the character, I can't care about them.

 

[Noon_Shadow]

Who's Beautiful Now? - Jewelskye

This was the darkest one yet. I hesitated to write any review for it all because it kind of bums me out. Not a critique, just an observation-a good read, but a difficult one. We all want to embrace some concept of fairness or justice, even though life really isn't fair. People do judge based on appearances, even though they shouldn't, and they'll avoid looking unpleasantness right in the face, no matter how sympathetic they are.

It's really well written. I really feel for the main character, and it's heartbreaking that her current boyfriend is nearly as uncaring and sadistic as the last one. She doesn't deserve the cruelty inflicted on her by either, and in the end, she really can't deal with it anymore.

In truth, the only critique I have is that it could have been longer-I wanted to read more. I feel like this might make a good short story-it can't be easy to write the point of view of such a pained soul, but I wanted to get more of her POV while she was shopping with her hateful boyfriend, and to hear more of the details as she plotted her revenge on him.