Writing Challenge ~ January 2011 ~ Reviews and Comments

[Noon_Shadow]

A Poison So Sweet ~ Noon_Shadow

Very sexy and, as others have said, very nice to have a view point other than 'from behind the mask'.
I really felt the sense of frustration and need he was experiencing, your choice of vocabulary is excellent too, you used some fabulous and under used terms and phrases!

Thanks for the lovely comments, I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I wasn't sure if I was going to submit something for this one, but when I saw that there hadn't been a male POV on it yet I felt compelled. Hopefully you didn't find my descriptions too over the top. Sometimes I worry that I'm dragging things out too long just to add words-digging the sound of my own writing voice, so to speak (even though I hate everything I write).

A Poison So Sweet..Noon_Shadow.

Well done! What a gorgeous erotic dream. I loved it, loved how it was put together, and the pacing was beautiful.
Lovely and easy to read, with plenty going on. You have a lovely knack with the little details, and depicting the feel of what you've captured. I could almost see a smoky filled room full of people all blocking his path to her, and feel his desperation. Beautifully done.
Just loved reading it, thank you for sharing.

Post 37

This might have gotten lost in the posts, but I just wanted to make sure the Noon_Shadow knew I read his piece, and posted earlier.

Yes, I did see your response. You're very kind, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I appreciate the positive feedback; makes me feel good to know that people can get into the scenes I'm drawing. I can never get a feel for how well I'm conveying my mental pictures by reading my own words-it never has any impact on me.

 

[PenIsMightier1]

The Masquerade Party - Emerald Lilly

I think the story was beautifully written (although I've also give some of my critiques already on fixing it)

The most romantic and the lightest take on the image so far. Although obviously a more modern take on the being rescued by a knight on white charger story. The romance between two friends finally being revealed is one that works.

The part where the woman already knows what the character wants and just wants her to admit it gives insight into the type of relationship they already had, giving them depth, and then its further enforced when she tells the character to cum for her.

 

[Ausus_girl13]

Mask of the living Goddess. Ausus.

Oooh Ausus..This for me, is incredibly incredibly beautiful!. This kind of thing I think is most women's dream,- to be had and given such pleasure beneath the secrecy of a mask. I found it very sexy, and very stirring. Long enough to give a fabulous image, but not so short as to lose out. Beautifully done..Thank you.

Alana,

I hope you think that I purposely missed this, I totally didn't see it, till getting home just now. Thank you sooo much! I am glad you liked it.

 

[PenIsMightier1]

Her Muse - Soulweaver

It was well written, I could see the air of change that he was going for, that she was changing to become her own muse. But otherwise it didn't really make sense, or link back to the image that started the challenge.

The circular writing style where the woman changes and then changes back was good, and I did enjoy that you were showing this woman rolling in around in pleasure, showing her masturbating without actually making it "porn", but there didn't seem to be much point to the story, why does she need to take some sort of pill to masturbate? Or am I missing the point of the story, if I am I apologise sincerely.

 

[SoulWeaver]

Her Muse - Soulweaver

It was well written, I could see the air of change that he was going for, that she was changing to become her own muse. But otherwise it didn't really make sense, or link back to the image that started the challenge.

The circular writing style where the woman changes and then changes back was good, and I did enjoy that you were showing this woman rolling in around in pleasure, showing her masturbating without actually making it "porn", but there didn't seem to be much point to the story, why does she need to take some sort of pill to masturbate? Or am I missing the point of the story, if I am I apologise sincerely.

Absolutely nothing to apologise for Pen.

It wasn't intended to be a join the dots story in any way, or I would have written it that way. I was really poking a little fun and allowing the challenge as an excuse to play.

And the pill was intended to be a vehicle, placebo or real drug, it was whatever she need it to be to allow her fantasy self to become reality.

 

[Noon_Shadow]

The Mask of the Living Goddess - Ausus_girl13

It's very well written. Erotic and evocative, and elegant as well. I love the naked sexuality of it-it's a straightforward fantasy. A great flesh party, to be surrounded by needy lovers satisfying your every desire in the middle of maelstrom of raw sensuality. Plus, it's nice to have a peek into Aus's mind. As a single scene, it's really a great picture.

What it leaves me wanting is just a little more story background. There's some hints-you say that the words come out rehearsed, and you point out that she's forfeited the right to make decisions about her body. It makes me curious about who she was before, and if she was a member of sisterhood. Did she volunteer for this ritual, or was she conscripted? I like that she's both excited and frightened (as it seems to me, anyway) but I'd like to know a little more about it, too.

Enjoyed reading it enough that I would like to know some more, I guess. Nice story.

 

[Noon_Shadow]

Shrugs and glances around. "Just a general observation, but it seems interesting to see that so many of you went much darker with this than I did. Is there something I'm missing about this image, or do we just have abnormally morbid collection of writers?"

 

[SecretSophie]

The Black Dove - Alana_:

I thought that this story was told with some insight into the characters eyes. I don’t mean that you know what it’s like to lose your family or to suffer such a tragedy as such, I mean you must have felt lonely or abandoned before and that really helped me appreciate the story. Also, I don't think I was the only one who felt this way (there were so many comments. I couldn’t hold back anymore), but at the end I smiled. Revenge is a strong theme, and I like that the whole story wasn’t revolved around it. I imagine that rather than a story it’s a play. I can see the hurt that Helena felt.

You Can’t Keep Me Here, I Can’t Stay - Vail_Indigo:

From the first few words it was very poetic and sensual, which was a little surprising (a nice surprise). It was very raw and kept turning corners, a new setting taking me down a different path of interest. I loved the sexy twists you provided.

The Mask She Wears - PenIsMightier1:

Lovely. It reminds me of the movie, The Mask. I think everyone that’s seen that movie knows the temptation the lead male felt when he tried to resist putting on the mask that made him so confident and alive. You really brought those features out with your charming tale. I also made a few other connections to temptations in the past that I knew were bad for me but in sort of a daze I did them. I think everyone at some point feels that temptation and gives in. I really liked this one.

Who’s Beautiful Now? – Jewelskye:

Such a sad story. Alike others, I really wanted to read more. I wanted to know if she shot him, if he begged, if she drugged him, etc. It’s not a bad ending, that’s not what I mean. Sometimes it’s good to leave the reader guessing… but I’m just so curious! I felt like this piece had a poetic feeling to it as well, I think it was because of the emotion she was feeling. I wish you continued with it though

The Mask of the Living Goddess – Ausus_girl13:

It was wonderfully, filthily, sinfully told. It was very refreshing, hearing about her orgasm that led to silence. I always thought that silence was always more dramatic then a certain rhythm of music. I also would like to add that this story took me several reads before I fully understood it. I usually don’t read this type of story, I’m not even sure what to call it honestly. But I enjoyed your professional writing and outlook of the sexual being that the Mask of the Living Goddess was.

A Poison So Sweet – Noon_Shadow:

I like reading stories from a man’s point of view, it’s always so interesting to see what men really look at when they see a woman. It was intriguing to see that you focused on her skin and her sexual aura. You really focused on the senses of a human, smell, sight, the ability to sense her in the room. The ending left me asking if he really did know the mystery woman, or if she was just fiction. It made me wonder if you had a mysterious woman haunting your dreams. Also, I think you left just enough room for a sequel if you wished. Another dream where she reveals herself, perhaps?

The Masquerade Party – Emerald_Lilly:

The sensual touch between two women has always made me blush. With nothing very solid to make connections on I was pleasantly shocked when I connected with one of the characters. Feeling neglected from a loved one usually ends up in destruction, where this one ended up in pleasurable sparks. Very nicely done.

Her Muse – SoulWeaver:

Wow. I don’t know what to say other than that, wow. Hmm… Well, I suppose I could talk about how sexy she was after she took the mystery pill. I don’t need an answer, but I was wondering if this was a fantasy based story, like if the room really was arousing her and the pill was some sort of transformation pill OR if the pill was a sleeping pill perhaps and it was all a dream? Her dreaming about her sexuality sheltered in her room but feeling so watched by mysterious beings. Loved it.

Filthysami:

I wasn’t sure about writing a comment yet just incase you were going to edit like you said. As you probably know you’re missing a title Nice idea so far though, it really made me wonder if the (wife I’m assuming, because the man spoke about a wedding) is holding back her sexual desires.

---

I'll be posting my story shortly. Almost done

 

[Noon_Shadow]

Her Muse - SoulWeaver

You really did use language beautifully, here. It's very sexy, and very organic. The images are evocative and you can really feel the pressure building in the scene as it progresses, building upward like ramped up sexual tension. All in all, a sexy read. I immediately read it a second time after the first because I loved the images. There's a contrast between the anonymous, dark crowd and the really sharp, evocative descriptions of Selina which make it extremely sexy. I like how you manage to manage to work wetness and moisture into the story at so many different points-it's hot.

It's interesting how you focused a lot of attention on the pill as a catalyst. You did a very good job building up the significance of it, abscribing to it both hopes and fears. I kind of wish it had been a factor longer in this story. You went to some lengths to explain that it was heavy, which makes it seem very potent and very important, but we don't have quite enough prior knowledge of the environment to see the effect of the pill. I mean, we're meant to understand that it loosened her inhibitions or heightened her pleasure (maybe it's Ex) but we haven't gotten a chance to meet her prior to the pill's introduction. Maybe she's usually more uptight and withdrawn, but most of what we see of Sel is absolutely unrestricted. It would be nice to know her a bit better before a character-changing element is introduced. This suggestion is entirely offered as my own opinion, so you can accept or disregard it as you will. Don't take this as a serious critique-writing long drawn out scenes gets very tedious and you have to write what compels you, or else you lost your inspiration for writing.

There's a few things that might could have used a little style editing as well, just to keep the style consistent. It's nit-picky, so if you'd like, I'll PM you what I noticed since that kind of critique probably does not belong here.

 

[SoulWeaver]

.....................

There's a few things that might could have used a little style editing as well, just to keep the style consistent. It's nit-picky, so if you'd like, I'll PM you what I noticed since that kind of critique probably does not belong here.

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I have to do the same for the other submissions but when I have enough time to make some sort of sense.

As for her background, yeah I hope to add to this, enough for a submission here anyway. So that might tie up a few loose ends, then again, knowing me, probably not.

And please send me any thoughts. I couldn't edit my way out of a paper bag with a pair of scissors, throw in a bunch of bad habits, tenses all over the place and repeated words, and it rapidly becomes a chore. So usually I don't bother apart from quick spell check ......

 

[Jewelskye]

Thank you to everyone who wrote such lovely comments. As I said when I posted in this thread originally, that's likely just the first draft, but the PC I was on, I couldn't save my work to, so I had to post it to make sure I didn't lose what I have. I am currently working on a re-write of it to see if maybe I like that better.

The only specific comment I will respond to is Vail's and the whole 80's teen movie bit. I am SLIGHTLY offended, but not for the reason many might think. I'm slightly offended because she said 80s movie, when I was going more for a film noir kind of bit, which is WAY more over the top and unbelievable, because that's the feel I got from the picture... Film noir. Pretty, fun to watch, not realistic. That being said, I appreciate the points Vail tried to make and while I have no intention of fixing them because that would kind of defeat the purpose of writing it the way I did, I just wanted to correct that one bit. ^.^

 

[Noon_Shadow]

Firebird - ItsKittyBitches

Hey, wait, there's a name I haven't seen in a long time. Welcome back! I'll try to toss up a review in a bit.

 

[ItsKittyBitches]

Firebird - ItsKittyBitches

Hey, wait, there's a name I haven't seen in a long time. Welcome back! I'll try to toss up a review in a bit.

Hehehe, hi there.
It's quite rough, and (tragically) inspired by a real life incident.

 

[Noon_Shadow]

Firebird - ItsKittyBitches

The premise is compelling. It certainly is a solid plotline. What's interesting is that here, again, is another author who find something more much dark and Gothic than I did in that prompt. I just think it's interesting to see the convergence of similar ideas.

What I think this needs some more haunting imagery, a bit more gripping in the details. I really think this plot needs you to take it to a darker, perhaps more Gothic extreme. When the subject matter is dark, try to embrace it and really make your visuals dark as well. If you want more specific suggestions, let me know and I'll try to get something PMed over to you.

One thing I will point out quickly is that you switched the character's name halfway through.

 

[ItsKittyBitches]

Firebird - ItsKittyBitches

The premise is compelling. It certainly is a solid plotline. What's interesting is that here, again, is another author who find something more much dark and Gothic than I did in that prompt. I just think it's interesting to see the convergence of similar ideas.

What I think this needs some more haunting imagery, a bit more gripping in the details. I really think this plot needs you to take it to a darker, perhaps more Gothic extreme. When the subject matter is dark, try to embrace it and really make your visuals dark as well. If you want more specific suggestions, let me know and I'll try to get something PMed over to you.

One thing I will point out quickly is that you switched the character's name halfway through.

On the most easy, last matter, yeah I thought I caught all of them xD.
I'd love a PM. I already planned on reworking it and adding a lot more.

 

[Last_Rider]

Since my own will be up soon I figure I should heap praise on the rest of you, not to influence but because you genuinely deserve it.


The Black Dove - Alana

I have difficulty discussing stories like this because the loss of family is a fast way to pluck at a few heart strings. That said this never feels like it dips into being sad simply to pull on emotion but rather to enhance the story. I also liked the subtle way you discussed her emotional grief and rage without going over the top. All in all a very well done piece.

You Can't Keep Me Here, I Can't Stay - Vail

This is wonderful in so many ways. The flowing touches, hints of different stories bookended with stirring words that strike me almost as a siloliquy. Just incredibly elegant prose.

The Mask She Wears - Penismightier

Believe it or not this one spoke very strongly to me. I think we all can relate to the mask imagery here, the desire to become someone else. At the very least I can. The parts after they return to the apartment are well done, building the reader along with the girl as the story continues.

Who's Beautiful Now? - Jewlskye

As a horror fan I very much enjoyed this in many ways. I somewhat agree with Vail about her sudden total trust in him, but after hearing you wanted a kind of noir feeling it fits a little more. I also wanted her to douse him with acid, and if you wanted the over the top but enjoyable feeling I think it would have helped that. Or at least a knife to draw out his suffering. On the whole though an enjoyable read.

The Mask of the Living Goddess - Ausus

I love the concept, and your imagery here is very good. I would have liked a to get inside the girls head a little more, but that's more a personal taste than a criticism. On the whole very good.

A Poison So Sweet - Noon

I actually had to read this twice to more fully appreciate it, as initially the dreamlike quality threw me off a little until he couldn't see her face. That one little bit perfectly captured that moment between dream and wake for me, one fleeting instant when you're aware it's a dream and that you're about to wake up but so desperately want to stay. Very well written.

The Masquerade Party - Emerald Lily

There's so much good here. It's a twist on the knight in shining armor motif, but then again everything is a twist on something else so no complaints at all. I think a few more words about her building panic, or maybe a few to increase the dullness that her husband brings into the story, would have enhanced the rescue and made what followed seem a bit more vivid. Still, wonderfully done.

Her Muse - SoulWeaver

For me the most intriguing part of this was the beginning. The rest was well written, especially the first part of the dance scene. There are a few points where moving some punctuation around might increase the impact of certain ideas or phrases. Beyond that bit of nitpicking very well done.

Filthysami

Again as a horror fan this is very good. The slow build as he just wants to be with her again transitioning into her actions catches you off guard in just the right way. I love that it's told from her view point and we're allowed hints of her mind as it goes on. I might add some hyphens, or elipses during his disconnected screams, but that's a very minor point. Wonderful story.

Fire Bird - Kitty

Very good, almost like a form poem the way you structure the paragraphs. I very much enjoyed this.

All very wonderful stories, hopefully my own contribution will be up in the near future.

 

[Niriate]

Quite a scene you've managed to gather here Witchy. *grins*
I'll see what my twisted imagination can gather up.

 

[Britwitch]

Quite a scene you've managed to gather here Witchy. *grins*
I'll see what my twisted imagination can gather up.

Why thank you...am awfully impressed with the interest so far!
Hoping you'll join in...which reminds me, should probably work on getting my own submission up before too long!

 

[Noon_Shadow]

Why thank you...am awfully impressed with the interest so far!
Hoping you'll join in...which reminds me, should probably work on getting my own submission up before too long!

I was wondering if youw ere going to play along in your own game. Welcome aboard. Winks

 

[Vail_Indigo]

Thank you to everyone who wrote such lovely comments. As I said when I posted in this thread originally, that's likely just the first draft, but the PC I was on, I couldn't save my work to, so I had to post it to make sure I didn't lose what I have. I am currently working on a re-write of it to see if maybe I like that better.

The only specific comment I will respond to is Vail's and the whole 80's teen movie bit. I am SLIGHTLY offended, but not for the reason many might think. I'm slightly offended because she said 80s movie, when I was going more for a film noir kind of bit, which is WAY more over the top and unbelievable, because that's the feel I got from the picture... Film noir. Pretty, fun to watch, not realistic. That being said, I appreciate the points Vail tried to make and while I have no intention of fixing them because that would kind of defeat the purpose of writing it the way I did, I just wanted to correct that one bit. ^.^

OK, so
1. I think you can probably see why I compared it to an 80s teen movie, right? The popular guy and the unpopular girl dating as a prank?
2. As a noir story, this works MUCH better, I agree. Noir comes with that magical realism, that world where extremes happen almost as a matter of sort.
3. But where is the reader supposed to figure out that the vein you are shooting for?

 

[Vail_Indigo]

Her Muse - SoulWeaver

Enjoyed this THOROUGHLY! I'd love to see some of the language made a little more clear, and I don't really see the point of the pill (I would think that the mask itself would be the device that frees her) and I hate the last line.
BUT, I was enthralled. Nicely done.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

Just a Glance - Last Rider

I enjoyed this one too. There's this perfect lure going on here. The narrator is struggling just enough to make the prize seem worthwhile, y'know? I think the descriptions of the party are well done, and I love the ending moment.
The only thing that kept bugging me was...WHY IS HE AT THIS PARTY???

But out side of that, a good, solid read.

 

[Last_Rider]

Valid point Vail, I had intended to put a line or two in to explain but totally forgot. Give me a moment to edit that in.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

OK, I'd been thinking about doing a film noir thing since the 'prompt' first went up, so I couldn't resist giving it a shot.

 

[Alana_]

Oh I've just read it Vail.!

The Mask in the Box is one of the best reads I've had the pleasure of reading I think. I just loved it. Grabbed me instantly with the 'theme' and the ambiance Vail set. It's just a delicious little piece of writing.

Well done girl. Really is beautiful.




And to others who have posted, I'm sorry for being behind in my reading. I've just been really busy, but I'll get some catching up done over the next day or two.