The Dominant Dilemma

[MeekMe]

Alright, it's not really a dilemma I guess but I like the way it sounds so roll with me here.

We hear about the submissive stereotypes all the time and how annoying it can be for some. I'm curious about the boxes dominants get stuffed into. The most common example I've seen is kind of like this:

New d-type: I'm kind and caring and like to be in control but I'm not sure if that makes me a dominant.

Random person: Since you're kind and caring I think you're a daddy dom.

Do the categories and boxes bother you? Is there a stereotype you don't like in particular or do you not care because d-types are like honey badgers?

 

[RacyWilde]

Alright, it's not really a dilemma I guess but I like the way it sounds so roll with me here.

We hear about the submissive stereotypes all the time and how annoying it can be for some. I'm curious about the boxes dominants get stuffed into.

Do the categories and boxes bother you? Is there a stereotype you don't like in particular or do you not care because d-types are like honey badgers?

Yeah... As soon as I say I'm a Domme or Femdom people think of a meanie ball crusher with leather and whips. Then I say I'm a "Gentle Femdom" but apparently people are starting to see that term similar to a Mommy Domme. Now I just say 'dominant'. Of course I always have to explain - sensual seduction and pain - but then I control my own 'type'...lol. There is just no term these days for an elegant sadist tomboy who loves gentle seduction and lingerie.

 

[Primalex]

I fulfill way too many stereotypes in a week, based on ethnicity, gender, sex, occupation, sexual orientation, hobbies, ..., to be worried about some more or less.

 

[Primalex]

tomboy

So, are you flat-chested with short hair?

 

[SalvDali]

The boxes and labels do not bother me, honestly I find them useful when researching. Knowing I am a rigger, and a dd it helps me narrow down what to read.

The stereotype that is bothersome is one I was also guilty of until I actually began researching and exploring BDSM is that the DD is somehow linked to incest or an interest in children. I think for the most part this only applies to people who actually have no real knowledge about BDSM, none the less DD dynamics.

Like I said I was guilty of it myself to the point when I was researching dom types I skipped those sections because I made ignorant assumptions about it just because it was titled Daddy/daughter in the particular book I was reading. Even once I was comfortable with the "box" and had a discussion with my wife about it, she even had a hard time with it, just because of the title. She refers to it as a knight/princess dynamic for her comfort.

 

[Nezhul]

I was never shoved into one. I don't really believe in labels either.

Any submissive or dominant can only be defined by the fetishes they have, not by some word or singular definition.

Even with kind and caring - it can be a daddy dom or a pet owner. It may be a teacher too. Lots of possibilities.

 

[Farawyn]

Sadisticesque Doms can be kind and caring, too. Just as I'm sure there are Daddy Doms who are total smug asshats.

 

[RacyWilde]

So, are you flat-chested with short hair?

Yes, I have small titties and I have short hair when I cut it And I have no qualms punching ya if you're an ass.

 

[MeekMe]

Sadisticesque Doms can be kind and caring, too. Just as I'm sure there are Daddy Doms who are total smug asshats.

A gold star for you. ️

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Blue]

I'm in this social bubble so I don't know how pervasive certain stereotypes are, but if 50 Shades of Grey is inspired by/the inspiration for the mainstream portrayal of Doms then...probably too many to fit in a comfortably long forum post.

 

[Primalex]

Yes, I have small titties and I have short hair when I cut it And I have no qualms punching ya if you're an ass.

Don't worry, I don't discriminate tits by size.

 

[GrrlFriday]

Alright, it's not really a dilemma I guess but I like the way it sounds so roll with me here.

We hear about the submissive stereotypes all the time and how annoying it can be for some. I'm curious about the boxes dominants get stuffed into. The most common example I've seen is kind of like this:



Do the categories and boxes bother you? Is there a stereotype you don't like in particular or do you not care because d-types are like honey badgers?

The labels only help when both of you mean similar things by them. There's also the box that, 'oh, so you're a female D type, you must secretly be craving submission'. It gets boring.

 

[HisArpy]

I don't fit into any of the "boxes" and the labels mean nothing to me. It is someone else's idea of how I should act based on their insufficient understanding of who I am.

I am in charge. Everything else is malleable as to how that manifests in order for HER to be happy. The one constant is that I am in charge. No boxes. No labels. No assumptions.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Do the categories and boxes bother you? Is there a stereotype you don't like in particular or do you not care because d-types are like honey badgers?

Telepathic doms.

 

[Primalex]

Telepathic doms.

I knew you would say that.

 

[MeekMe]

The mind reader thing is a good example. I was thinking about this simply because I see a lot of people needing to say things like, "I'm dominant but also kind and caring." As if dominant comes with an asshole diploma by default. ;;

Other examples would be stating something you do as a dominant and being labeled "abuser." But since people don't really care what others think it's kind of a dead subject. I wonder if more submissive types get riled up because there are negative traits often associated with it? Maybe not.

 

[Miles Long]

I'm not bothered by the labels or boxes for doms, but they are kind of fascinating and entertaining when you see someone who adheres to One Twue Way-ism waxing poetic about what it means to be dominant. To wit:

Doms are born - they are not made. They come striding out of the womb knowing how to tie a knot, swing a flogger, and execute all leadership skills. However, it's important to remember dominance is also extremely age dependent. A 20 year old cannot twuly be a Twue Master because he does not yet possess enough Life Experience or Wisdom That Comes Only With Age to properly dominate someone. And no matter how dominant he is, that is completely null and void should a submissive woman be even one day older than he is.

Related to this, do not let the concept of an alpha submissive fool you into thinking there is such a thing as a Beta Dominant. Submissives come in many flavors: they may be Only In The Bedroom or Only With Certain People or The Kind Of Sub Who Actually Controls Everything (your guess is as good as mine on the last one), and nobody bats an eyelash. But any dom who would even countenance the idea of giving up any control even for one second is no Twue Dom. He is an impostor of the worst kind and should be shunned. (Shun the non-believer! Shunnnnnnnnnnn!)

Bramblethorn's mention of telepathic doms is also important. Communication is vital in good relationships, but a Twue Dom can read minds and save you the trouble. Because we all know a Twue Dom will know what you want and need without you saying it - hell, a good one will know what you want and need even before you do. That way he can push you past your limits, but in a way that you're over the moon thrilled about retroactively. Yay Doms!

Basically, there are a lot of people out there who feel like doms have to fall in line with some patriarchal cisgender heteronormative archetype, which, in my mind at least, is actually pretty antithetical to the ideas of kink diversity and individual expression.

Twue.

 

[MeekMe]

Miles! A Twue Dom of the Domliest Kind.

 

[Miles Long]

Miles! A Twue Dom of the Domliest Kind.

Twue

 

[cascadiabound]

Miles! A Twue Dom of the Domliest Kind.

Stands up and claps for Miles and his outburst.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

I'm not bothered by the labels or boxes for doms, but they are kind of fascinating and entertaining when you see someone who adheres to One Twue Way-ism waxing poetic about what it means to be dominant. To wit:

Doms are born - they are not made. They come striding out of the womb knowing how to tie a knot, swing a flogger, and execute all leadership skills. However, it's important to remember dominance is also extremely age dependent. A 20 year old cannot twuly be a Twue Master because he does not yet possess enough Life Experience or Wisdom That Comes Only With Age to properly dominate someone. And no matter how dominant he is, that is completely null and void should a submissive woman be even one day older than he is.

Related to this, do not let the concept of an alpha submissive fool you into thinking there is such a thing as a Beta Dominant. Submissives come in many flavors: they may be Only In The Bedroom or Only With Certain People or The Kind Of Sub Who Actually Controls Everything (your guess is as good as mine on the last one), and nobody bats an eyelash. But any dom who would even countenance the idea of giving up any control even for one second is no Twue Dom. He is an impostor of the worst kind and should be shunned. (Shun the non-believer! Shunnnnnnnnnnn!)

Bramblethorn's mention of telepathic doms is also important. Communication is vital in good relationships, but a Twue Dom can read minds and save you the trouble. Because we all know a Twue Dom will know what you want and need without you saying it - hell, a good one will know what you want and need even before you do. That way he can push you past your limits, but in a way that you're over the moon thrilled about retroactively. Yay Doms!

Basically, there are a lot of people out there who feel like doms have to fall in line with some patriarchal cisgender heteronormative archetype, which, in my mind at least, is actually pretty antithetical to the ideas of kink diversity and individual expression.

Twue.

Anyone who can write "patriarchal cisgender heteronormative archetype" and "antithetical" in the same sentence deserves applause....

 

[cascadiabound]

Anyone who can write "patriarchal cisgender heteronormative archetype" and "antithetical" in the same sentence deserves applause....

Yup. I knew I liked him (you too Sailor. )

 

[Primalex]

Basically, there are a lot of people out there who feel like doms have to fall in line with some patriarchal cisgender heteronormative archetype, which, in my mind at least, is actually pretty antithetical to the ideas of kink diversity and individual expression.

That's like saying it's antithetical for a woman to masturbate to the image of a male fireman, because women have an intrinsic interest in gender equality.

 

[bone251]

I have never figured out much of anything that is better when mean.

I had a lady friend a while back that needed to lose control. She loved being bound so she was helpless, being spanked quite hard and she liked having orgasms. I did have fun providing those things.

But while I was the Dom of the scene I really cared for this sweet girl. I would always be wiping sweat off her face and pulling her hair out of her eyes, making sure she was getting enough water from a cup with a straw and even took her to go potty while she was tied up.

While never mean things did get intense. The meanest thing might have been the time I added tickling in. But I had good reason. I had not had an orgasm for 2 weeks and I had to make her tell me where the key was while she was tied up so I could have a blow job. And even then I washed her face because it got her eyes.



It is all supposed to be fun!