Feeling Guilty and Shame: Is this normal??

[Sweet_and_Sensual]

I am very interested in BDSM and have some kinks and fetishes I always think of. The issue is.... sometimes I feel shame and feel embarrased after I'm done thinking about it. I like the thoughts and the sexual thoughts arouse me so much! but sometimes I feel so much shame afterwards and feel like something is wrong with me. It's so frustrating to say the least.

Is this normal? How do I overcome this? I've never had no experience with BDSM or being with a Dom, but the sexual thoughts are so intense, that sometimes I feel shame afterwards. So I feel guilty and feel horrible about myself, but when the thoughts resurface again, I'm so turned on by it, and the same thing happens again... this is one thing that's frustrating. and I hope I overcome it one day. Any thoughts or advice would be helpful. Thank you!!

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I think this is absolutely normal. Many of us are brought up not talking about sex, often even in a puritanical “sex bad” or “we don’t discuss such things” environment. Growing up and fantasizing about and/or enjoying some depravity with your sex would then lead to feelings of guilt and shame. It’s one thing I’ve loved about being with a dominant partner…it’s like he is giving me permission to be this way. I really really needed that in my first BDSM relationships. I was very fortunate to have been with two men (both that I met here) who helped me find my footing.

 

[cookiecat]

This topic is discussed in an on-going thread - lots of different perspectives

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1552546


No! It's not normal, you're a bad, bad girl for thinking such lewd, depraved thoughts.

Actually, it's totally normal. ToPleaseHim summed it up; we're taught to keep those dirty things secret -- maybe not just secret but to NOT think about such dirty things at all.

I've met different types of kinky partners who have wanted to explore the secret fun stuff. Some wanted to use the shame to their advantage. And to mine, I guess!

I've had 2 partners who wanted me to celebrate my dirty side and let it out! Enjoy it, share it, talk about it.

Your in box is probably filling up with lots of interesting messages. Hopefully, you'll meet someone here to chat with. Just be careful. I've talked about this before but don't let your lust / pussy do the thinking. I've sent way too many naked pictures and videos. Gotten on cam. At one point I was sooooooo crazed, I'd be up all night chatting and would be late for work or blow off friends. I recall spanking my own butt with a spatula. Maybe one day, I'll relay the mishap with metal tongs during medical shenanigans. Ugh.

Anyways. Enjoy the exploration.

 

[Bramblethorn]

It's not unusual. Some people feel very sad after intense sex, whether BDSM or vanilla, and it can even get to the point of being a recognised medical condition.

With BDSM in particular there are some complicated feelings around the differences between fantasy and reality. I like hurting people who like being hurt, in sexy fun ways; hurting people in other contexts is awful. Sometimes it's hard to reconcile those two. And for some people, the shame itself is part of the kink.

 

[NaomiDPlumm]

No! It's not normal, you're a bad, bad girl for thinking such lewd, depraved thoughts.

Normal, schnormal... Who cares! Normal ("the norm") is merely a statistical construct.

Is it healthy? No, it's not healthy...

Be healthy, take care of you.

 

[PaxNurgle]

I experience a TON of guilt and shame due to my kinks and sexual desires. Being a kinky guy with submissive tendencies, I do have some fantasies that might make people uncomfortable- I wont elaborate too much but lets just say I LOVE the idea of being dominated, degraded, and put in my place by a woman to whom I'm attracted.

But one of my issues is, I often find myself realizing the truth, that these feelings are incompatible with a healthy or sustainable relationship, and even if it is possible to fulfill some of these fantasies, it would only be with a paid professional rather than in the context of a mutually romantic sustainable relationship, which I seek. The fact is, most women are simply not comfortable with the idea of male submission at all, and would actually be creeped out (if not outright GROSSED out) by many of my BDSM/Female domination kinks. This is the reality I face.

Or at least, I have come to believe this is true in my case. So yes, I do feel a lot of guilt and shame, and I often try to purge these feelings from my head, not always successfully.

 

[DCO_65]

Growing up I recognized that my mother was a strong assertive woman. Someone who never let other people in town, or even my teachers or principal tell her what she could do or who she could be. She ran the house and dad earned the money to keep the house going.

I recognized that the woman I then knew as my "Aunt Anne" was a force of nature, an independent businesswoman and role model. Later I would find out that they were lovers and that dad gave both mom and "Anne" those pretty little lines (keloids) I had seen on their butts. That they were his sexual submissives.

I'm like mom, I see nothing degrading about submitting to my lovers. Like mom I have learned the value of unconditional submission and how it is by my participation that my lovers-- as well as I-- partake of ecstacy. Topping from the bottom is pretty easy when you are the facilitator of joy.

"Aunt Anne," was a honorary rather than blood relation, mom and dad's lifelong playmate. I have more than two playmates. But like mom, dad, and "Anne" it is not a casual relationship-- we have been together since the early 1980s. We play hard, perhaps even rough at times, but we love, support, and value one another as ends, not means to and ends.

Nothing that I do in the service of my lovers is demeaning to me. I know that my lovers consider me to be of incalculable worth which is just how I feel about them.

I'm pretty much submissive, I enjoy being restrained, I don't enjoy pain for the sake of pain but I enjoy being able to access endocannabinoids and endophines, so I'm a bit masochistic in that way. My male lovers aren't cruel, they are strong, intense, and a whole lot of fun. My girls are like me mostly. A couple are a bit more sensitive to rough play and a couple are tougher cookies.

D&S relationships can be perfectly sustainable if those in them honestly communcate thier needs, wants, and desires. My parents and "Aunt Anne" were in a 60 plus year relationship. Mine is coming up on 40 years. It's like any relationship, it takes work, honesty, communication, and true enough some luck.

 

[Acktion]

This topic is discussed in an on-going thread - lots of different perspectives

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1552546


No! It's not normal, you're a bad, bad girl for thinking such lewd, depraved thoughts.

Actually, it's totally normal. ToPleaseHim summed it up; we're taught to keep those dirty things secret -- maybe not just secret but to NOT think about such dirty things at all.

I've met different types of kinky partners who have wanted to explore the secret fun stuff. Some wanted to use the shame to their advantage. And to mine, I guess!

I've had 2 partners who wanted me to celebrate my dirty side and let it out! Enjoy it, share it, talk about it.

Your in box is probably filling up with lots of interesting messages. Hopefully, you'll meet someone here to chat with. Just be careful. I've talked about this before but don't let your lust / pussy do the thinking. I've sent way too many naked pictures and videos. Gotten on cam. At one point I was sooooooo crazed, I'd be up all night chatting and would be late for work or blow off friends. I recall spanking my own butt with a spatula. Maybe one day, I'll relay the mishap with metal tongs during medical shenanigans. Ugh.


Anyways. Enjoy the exploration.

Subscribed!

It's not unusual. Some people feel very sad after intense sex, whether BDSM or vanilla, and it can even get to the point of being a recognised medical condition.

With BDSM in particular there are some complicated feelings around the differences between fantasy and reality. I like hurting people who like being hurt, in sexy fun ways; hurting people in other contexts is awful. Sometimes it's hard to reconcile those two. And for some people, the shame itself is part of the kink.

As a male, and a D-type without a submissive bone in my body, what Bramblethorn said right there touched a nerve thinking back on some of my earlier explorations.

I've told and retold and probably overtold my story in various places hereabouts. But, the nutshell version is that when I got around to actually having sex, there were serious issues. First, I could literally go for hours on end, way-y-y more than any partner wanted to. But, more importantly, there was... a roughness to everything I did. I mean, beyond the normal "clueless boy fumblings." And a lot, a whole lot, of "pushing her further to see if she'll go there for me."

Not that I was one of those BDSM "weirdos" or anything, you understand!

Heh. Yeah, I had a pretty fucked up understanding of just what BDSM was. Visions of metal-studded leather-wearing people beating each other bloody for foreplay. Like breaking bones and such.

But... ah... well, I did go about fucking with the same... er... veracity as I played football or kickboxed.

And I was, perhaps, fortunate in my early partners as they would be into something that would cause me to investigate that something they were into. But, then, of course, I would push it too far in other areas that they weren't into... For example, one into shibari-style bondage definitely wasn't up for when I brought out the eight-foot bullwhip.

***shrug*** I had three failed engagements and I really just couldn't tell you the number of lovers that didn't last.

And they each made me feel... strange. Weird. Dirty. Even when it was something I was doing that I didn't necessarily like, but felt like they would extrapolating (erroneously) from what they did. Even as they taught me new things.

It wasn't until later (much later), when some old flames managed to get in touch at the advent of MySpace and Facebook and the like, that I started to realize that even the things I was doing that they did like, they didn't like that they liked it. That, in some cases, they needed it.

I was fortunate enough to find the woman who not only liked what I did but loved and accepted me wholly and completely, enough to dedicate herself as my servant and my wife for the rest of her life. And, yeah. I still had some learning and growing to do, even as I pleased her and she satiated me. But, I didn't feel those feelings of guilt and shame you mention.

Not until after her death. When after a while I started coming out of my shell a little bit with people I met online.

And you know what, Sweet_and_Sensual? It was back. All that guilt and shame. Because as careful as I thought I was being, I would trip over mines again. Perhaps because I'd spent too long with one, I had forgotten how to do things with a stranger. I don't really know.

Right as I was on the verge of giving up, my sweet little spice of my twilight found me. A widow who'd lost her husband and D-type just a few short weeks after I'd lost my wife and s-type.

No, everything was not a perfect fit the first time through. As an example, she thought she liked being spanked, at least she had when he did it. So, she brought along some flails and crops and paddles (since I'd been running like a madman half a step in front of my stepson getting rid of ours while his wife laughed her ass off after my late wife died)... Then, I did it, the way I always had, and "Holy fuck! Red! Red! Red! Red!"

But, she was patient with me, as I was patient with her... and here we are over two years later. (And she would be mortified if y'all knew who she was since I just outed her about the spankings )

Anyway, I don't see anything in the slightest different or outre about having some minimal feelings of guilt and shame, especially in the early stages of discovery. While it is more common on the s-side, it's not unheard of for an unpracticed D-type either.

But, you don't have to let it consume you. Just keep firmly in mind Safe, Sane, and Consensual. And Risk Aware Consensual Kinkery. And above all communicate. Not everyone will be into what you are into. And that's alright. You might not be into everything they are into either. Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you are into, someone else will be too. And isn't that really all we are doing, anyway? Making our way through life, looking for someone who the shattered ends of their needs will mesh with our own?

 

[lanceGibs]

I am very interested in BDSM and have some kinks and fetishes I always think of. The issue is.... sometimes I feel shame and feel embarrased after I'm done thinking about it. I like the thoughts and the sexual thoughts arouse me so much! but sometimes I feel so much shame afterwards and feel like something is wrong with me. It's so frustrating to say the least.

Is this normal? How do I overcome this? I've never had no experience with BDSM or being with a Dom, but the sexual thoughts are so intense, that sometimes I feel shame afterwards. So I feel guilty and feel horrible about myself, but when the thoughts resurface again, I'm so turned on by it, and the same thing happens again... this is one thing that's frustrating. and I hope I overcome it one day. Any thoughts or advice would be helpful. Thank you!!

Since you have never been with a dom and have no experience in BDSM your thoughts are natural and those expected from a girl your age.
Nothing wrong with that.
Over a period ,the rent seeking members of society decided to lay down what is kosher for sex.
These men and women were probably the most mal adjusted and ill brought up members of society .
I think you need to be your natural self .
Seek what you feel is right grab it when you get it and enjoy it while you can .

And say a fuck you to that guilt and shame.

 

[SissySalina]

Is Guilt and Shame a normal feeling, for most people, it is an inner feeling. It is a feeling you give yourself, it is how you were brought up deep inside. No one else can give you Guilt or Shame you, it is how your mind sees the situation, you are the one that places Guilt or Shame on yourself.
If you do something then you place Guilt on yourself for doing it, also you may feel Shame for doing it especially if you did it in front of others.
To get rid of such feeling you must retrain your mind, deal with it as a simple act, remove the emotion connected with it. That’s right, Guilt and Shame is an emotion of most humans. See as just something you did, thinking of good or bad influences feelings, so just look at the fact that you did it.

This is not a great explanation but the way this sissy sees it.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I am very interested in BDSM and have some kinks and fetishes I always think of. The issue is.... sometimes I feel shame and feel embarrased after I'm done thinking about it. I like the thoughts and the sexual thoughts arouse me so much! but sometimes I feel so much shame afterwards and feel like something is wrong with me. It's so frustrating to say the least.

Is this normal? How do I overcome this? I've never had no experience with BDSM or being with a Dom, but the sexual thoughts are so intense, that sometimes I feel shame afterwards. So I feel guilty and feel horrible about myself, but when the thoughts resurface again, I'm so turned on by it, and the same thing happens again... this is one thing that's frustrating. and I hope I overcome it one day. Any thoughts or advice would be helpful. Thank you!!

Yes, I think it is very common.
Feeling guilt and shame for being interested in sexual things is probably most common for people who are raised in an environment that tells people or at least women that the should not enjoy it, as TPH said.

With BDSM comes the added guilt/shame for being outside the norm and as Bramblethorn said, there is a cognitive dissonance to reconcile with.

So, how to overcome it?

I think it is important to question the values behind these feelings. In the case that they are really someone elses values, let them go and find your own values.

When your own values clash with your proclivities, it gets more complicated. For me, it makes most sense to accept that some of the things that turn me on are in conflict with the kind of person I want to be and then try to find conditions and boundaries that make it possible for me to feel reasonably good about it. Discussions about RACK and SSC as Acktion mentioned, can help a lot with deciding what needs to stay in fantasyland and how other things can be done without feeling bad about it.
Or at least only feeling bad about it in a hot way…

 

[NaomiDPlumm]

Just keep firmly in mind Safe, Sane, and Consensual. And Risk Aware Consensual Kinkery. And above all communicate. Not everyone will be into what you are into. And that's alright. You might not be into everything they are into either. Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you are into, someone else will be too. And isn't that really all we are doing, anyway? Making our way through life, looking for someone who the shattered ends of their needs will mesh with our own?

There is nothing wrong with SSC or RISK but they are training wheels.

Clear, Honest, Communication is the key, and formalized rules can help bring about communication... Help make the new player consider somethin they had not previously... But the bottom line is that if someone is such an imbicille that they would harm you by accident without rules they will probably hurt you by accident ignoring the rules.

No rule or set of rules can substitute for good judgement. There was an acronym before SSC and there will be one after RISK, talk is timeless...

 

[Pillowhumpinggal]

I’ve found myself becoming more and more interested in BDSM over the last year. I even joined a few online groups to try and meet someone to help me explore this side of me but I too felt Shane in this side of me. I put it down to my Catholic upbringing. I’m glad to see that I’m not alone in feeling this way

 

[IrisAlthea]

There is nothing wrong with SSC or RISK but they are training wheels.

Clear, Honest, Communication is the key, and formalized rules can help bring about communication... Help make the new player consider somethin they had not previously... But the bottom line is that if someone is such an imbicille that they would harm you by accident without rules they will probably hurt you by accident ignoring the rules.

No rule or set of rules can substitute for good judgement. There was an acronym before SSC and there will be one after RISK, talk is timeless...

I’ve never seen them as rules or risk mitigation. To me they are more about distinguishing BDSM from abuse.

 

[Sweet_and_Sensual]

Thank you for all your responses, I truly respect that a lot. I'm glad that this is normal. I'm getting some rather interesting messages from different people, than I met others where they just gave me bad vibes, since they seemed to be rushing way too quickly into sex. Know others are okay with messing around right away, but I'm not that way, I need to feel completely comfortable with the person before doing that. I'm also a demisexual and I need a mental connection with someone, before sexual fun comes. I don't know much about BDSM but I do know is that trust is extremely important, and some have asked me to do sexual things already on the second day. I'm just not feeling that. If this angers people, I completely understand that, but my boundaries are important to me and I don't do things that I'm not comfortable with. I rather take my time when it comes to exploring this other side of me and finding a Dom who I can truly connect with and feel safe to open up to them. I think it'll also be easier on me, especially since I have lots of guilt and shame feelings when it comes to this, the safer and comfortable I feel, I know it'll work out better for both of us in the end. For now I will continue to ask questions and chatting with others. I'm learning a lot and thank you again for all your responses.

 

[lanceGibs]

Speaking as a woman myself, I can tell you I’ve internalized a lot of societal guilt as shame. That’s an important distinction. Guilt faces outward; shame faces inward. So notions of being a good, polite, upstanding woman carry with them the guilt of behaving otherwise, of pushing against accepted boundaries. But like all things, boundaries—especially sexual ones—are fluid. It is my right as a human being to pursue my pleasure and happiness as I see fit, as it is my right to reject the guilt placed on me, and the shame that comes with it.

This takes practice and experience, but most importantly self acceptance. And that too is a process. I think being here, or in any relatively anonymous place like it, is a huge first step for any of us who reject what is deemed “normal” in terms of sexual desires and expectations. Normal is, at its core, the median. The middle. It is not a synonym for what is right or good.

I embrace my wildness, my darkness, because that’s who I am. You are entitled to do exactly the same thing.

I have been an admirer of your wildness, your darkness and your exceptional looks.
But with this post,I have become an admirer of the way you write.
You have conveyed your thoughts well.

 

[PaxNurgle]

Salina is right when mentioning that feelings of guilt and shame come from within yourself.
But for me it is the question of why and how they arise.
With me, it is the belief that my sexual fetishes are harmful, like a drug addiction, and that I would be far healthier and happier if I did not have such fantasies. And the reason I feel this way is, I feel that having these extreme female domination, sissification and humiliation fantasies will impede my ability to have any kind of lasting, meaningful or romantic relationship with a woman. Because in my situation, and I believe this is true most everywhere else too, women just aren't into guys with these kind of fantasies- they aren't wired that way. So, it is much, much harder for us submissive heterosexual males than it is for others into BDSM- the statistics bear this out so it's not just me whining about it. So in a way I feel guilty because I want to be a satisfying lover to my partner, but I feel that having these kind of thoughts will drive away most of the women with whom I would be romantically interested in.

 

[ouchfeelsgood]

This is absolutely normal and understandable. I found that the best "therapy" was seeking out others of the same mindset. Obviously, Literotica is a great online forum for that type of camaraderie. And if you'd like in-person chatting with like minded individuals, try to see if there's a "munch" in your neighborhood -- that's a casual, non-threatening setting (usually at a restaurant or coffee shop) to meet and chat with others into the BDSM scene. I've gone to a number of them over the years, and have always learned something new, and have often met interesting, kinky people over a sandwich and a cup of coffee.

 

[ArtisticControl]

I am very interested in BDSM and have some kinks and fetishes I always think of. The issue is.... sometimes I feel shame and feel embarrased after I'm done thinking about it. I like the thoughts and the sexual thoughts arouse me so much! but sometimes I feel so much shame afterwards and feel like something is wrong with me. It's so frustrating to say the least.

Is this normal? How do I overcome this? I've never had no experience with BDSM or being with a Dom, but the sexual thoughts are so intense, that sometimes I feel shame afterwards. So I feel guilty and feel horrible about myself, but when the thoughts resurface again, I'm so turned on by it, and the same thing happens again... this is one thing that's frustrating. and I hope I overcome it one day. Any thoughts or advice would be helpful. Thank you!!

I remember asking my spouse to dominate me. I even bought a book to help her understand. It did not go over well at all.

To this day, I have a lot of anxiety around sex with my spouse because I feel shame and guilt for being who I am. And honestly a lot of frustration because I know I will never be able to experience with her the sex I would really like to have.

So, normal - sure. guilt and shame are a part of our culture (assuming a North American setting) and as has been mentioned, sex is still a taboo subject to speak about, especially that which is deemed "kinky".

How to overcome it? Realize having a kink or a fetish is very very normal. How we want to experience sex and what turns us on is no one else's business but our own or those that we give consent to "control".

I hope that you can find someone to share your thoughts, fantasies with that can appreciate and honor them.

 

[cookiecat]

I remember asking my spouse to dominate me. I even bought a book to help her understand. It did not go over well at all.

To this day, I have a lot of anxiety around sex with my spouse because I feel shame and guilt for being who I am. And honestly a lot of frustration because I know I will never be able to experience with her the sex I would really like to have.

So, normal - sure. guilt and shame are a part of our culture (assuming a North American setting) and as has been mentioned, sex is still a taboo subject to speak about, especially that which is deemed "kinky".

How to overcome it? Realize having a kink or a fetish is very very normal. How we want to experience sex and what turns us on is no one else's business but our own or those that we give consent to "control".

I hope that you can find someone to share your thoughts, fantasies with that can appreciate and honor them.

Bummer that it didn't work with your wife. That's a tough spot. It's pretty cool you attempted it. Are you glad you tried or do you wish you'd left it alone?

 

[ArtisticControl]

Bummer that it didn't work with your wife. That's a tough spot. It's pretty cool you attempted it. Are you glad you tried or do you wish you'd left it alone?

That is a really good question.

On one hand I am glad I tried because that means I know who I am.
On the other hand, I wish I would have left it alone because rejection sucks. And not just rejection, but it was almost like she was revolted at the idea.

Reading about it can only go so far. I would really like to find someone to share it with, even if it is just online.

 

[lisaharlot]

Sadly, because BDSM isn’t normalized these reactions are common. If you have a partner you love and you trust, communicate these feelings to them but take off all your clothes snd tie your wrists to your ankles first. Its about shifting those negative feelings into a positive part of your play.

 

[petes478]

I am very interested in BDSM and have some kinks and fetishes I always think of. The issue is.... sometimes I feel shame and feel embarrased after I'm done thinking about it. I like the thoughts and the sexual thoughts arouse me so much! but sometimes I feel so much shame afterwards and feel like something is wrong with me. It's so frustrating to say the least.

Is this normal? How do I overcome this? I've never had no experience with BDSM or being with a Dom, but the sexual thoughts are so intense, that sometimes I feel shame afterwards. So I feel guilty and feel horrible about myself, but when the thoughts resurface again, I'm so turned on by it, and the same thing happens again... this is one thing that's frustrating. and I hope I overcome it one day. Any thoughts or advice would be helpful. Thank you!!

Yes it’s completely normal. We are socialized to perceive this as taboo. Take a deep breath and let yourself relax and enjoy your feelings. Nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. Those are your parents’ and society’s social taboos. No one gets hurt. It’s in your mind. I’m a responsible Dom. I’ve devoted a lot of time to this subject if you’re interested. Carry on.

 

[JHouston]

I think shame and guilt might be what caused BDSM to come into being in the first place. First, as far as domination, rape and forced sex fantasies, it is a fantasy that lets you escape direct responsibility and shame for your 'dirty' appetites. As a 'victim' of forced sex you would not be responsible for all the naughty things you are 'forced' to endure. Second, spanking and other forms of 'punishment' or 'discipline' fit perfectly with someone proned to feelings of shame and guilt. In the old days, devout Christians used to practice self-flagellation as a way to redeem themselves. Maybe BDSM is a remnant of that? In modern times, I've heard of something called spank therapy. Some consider it a promising treatment for things like trauma. It's a real thing, you can Google it.

 

[JHouston]

Here is a short article about it, but, you can search on Google to find more: https://www.popxo.com/article/spanking-therapy-and-all-you-need-to-know-about-it/ I need to figure out how to become a spank therapy counselor for woman. I think I would be very good at this. [Evil grin.]