Feeling Guilty and Shame: Is this normal??

[PaxNurgle]

It is difficult though, when you are trying to have a vanilla relationship with a vanilla partner, or (in my case) you are seeking a vanilla partner for a romantic relationship, but are tormented by kinky and oftentimes extreme, fetishes. It does make you feel guilty for having those kind of thoughts. For those of you who have a partner who is into the same things as you are though, then it is a beautiful thing to cherish and you should not feel guilty at all.
It's because of my situation that I feel the guilt. If I like a girl, and want to be with her, then I'm not going to ask her to time me up and spank me (for example); that would creep her out, and I would feel guilty for entertaining such thoughts.

 

[JHouston]

It is difficult though, when you are trying to have a vanilla relationship with a vanilla partner, or (in my case) you are seeking a vanilla partner for a romantic relationship, but are tormented by kinky and oftentimes extreme, fetishes. It does make you feel guilty for having those kind of thoughts. For those of you who have a partner who is into the same things as you are though, then it is a beautiful thing to cherish and you should not feel guilty at all.
It's because of my situation that I feel the guilt. If I like a girl, and want to be with her, then I'm not going to ask her to time me up and spank me (for example); that would creep her out, and I would feel guilty for entertaining such thoughts.

Baby steps, patience and explore fantasies together. She probably has fantasies that she is ashamed to admit, too. Always start with HER fantasies. Once she feels comfortable enough with you that she can share her fantasies, you can share some of yours or nudge her in that direction. If she feels like you are only using her as a puppet for your fantasy, he will be turned off by it. On the other hand, if she feels like you are both exploring fantasies together, and you stumble upon this kink WITH HER, she might be more open to explore it. For example, you can start by light spanking her. She might at some point suggest that she wants to try spanking you. You act innocently like its never even crossed your mind. Then, after she tries it, you tell her it was fun. But, don't make such a big deal of it. Let it naturally evolve from there, and, let her think it's something she started.

 

[emme8]

Is a little guilt and shame normal?
Yes

Are a lot of women turned off by the stereotypical male slave depictions in porn?

Yes, but you can have a wonderful relationship that satisfies some of your needs. And trust me most of what looks good in porn looks very different in real life.

There's a blog "a good girls guide to female domination" the like is in the library. Read it if you are thinking about introducing Femdom or spanking into your relationships. There is a lot of really good information from a woman's perspective, and the Domme.

Be honest and take baby steps.


I don't want to make you feel any worse but
The original post also concerned me in another way. Mood swings are normal but. If you are periodically acting out of character and hypersexual, too feeling great. (Especially if it is accompanied by spending excessive money, little need for sleep, Too much energy, risk taking or delusions.) And these periods are followed by periods of bad depression, lack of energy, and the like. There are several types of Bipolar Disorders. It is manageable, trust me I thrive with it. It doesn't have to control your life. You don't have to live with extreme ups and downs.
It might be worth asking other trusted friends or relatives their opinion.

This is not a diagnosis in any way. This is just me attempting to increase awareness and support for mental illness. Too many people suffer in silence and shame.

 

[nutoseen]

I am very interested in BDSM and have some kinks and fetishes I always think of. The issue is.... sometimes I feel shame and feel embarrased after I'm done thinking about it. I like the thoughts and the sexual thoughts arouse me so much! but sometimes I feel so much shame afterwards and feel like something is wrong with me. It's so frustrating to say the least.

Is this normal? How do I overcome this? I've never had no experience with BDSM or being with a Dom, but the sexual thoughts are so intense, that sometimes I feel shame afterwards. So I feel guilty and feel horrible about myself, but when the thoughts resurface again, I'm so turned on by it, and the same thing happens again... this is one thing that's frustrating. and I hope I overcome it one day. Any thoughts or advice would be helpful. Thank you!!

normal to feel both and part of what makes it hot

 

[AnnieLit]

It's not unusual. Some people feel very sad after intense sex, whether BDSM or vanilla, and it can even get to the point of being a recognised medical condition.

I don't think these two are necessary connected.
The guilt/shame after "dirty thoughts" is a purely psychological construct that comes from years of living in a somewhat religious society. It does not matter if the person religious or not, the society is still built in large part on the same principles.

The sadness after an intense bdsm (sexual or not) experience comes from physiology, not phycology. Pain, control, giving, receiving, pushed or pushing to the limit - all of these get adrenaline flowing in buckets. And then it is over, it's time to go back to your normal life. Adrenalin drops and when that happens, the body protests, it wants more!, so it punishes you with sadness in the hopes that you will find a way to give it more. And you should, just in different ways.

 

[davion2308]

Depending on where you live, your upbringing can have a massive effect on this. I was raised Catholic and basically anything that's fun or feels good is a sin (it seems) and I was taught that any time I had nice thoughts about girls, I was going to hell.

So, is it normal? Yes. Do people have that reaction when they're trying things that aren't mainstream society? Absolutely. Is it okay to have an emotional release and cry or feel bad? It sure is as long as you're reconciling with yourself that you are fundamentally okay and there's nothing wrong with what you did from a basic YOU standpoint.

You're healthy, you're having reactions, and you can experience those without judgment.

You're going to have a variety of feelings and emotions from the experiences and that's okay. Ultimately, if you like it, keep doing it. If you don't, dial back until you're more comfortable. Above all, be safe and have fun!

 

[lilmissdarling]

I am very interested in BDSM and have some kinks and fetishes I always think of. The issue is.... sometimes I feel shame and feel embarrased after I'm done thinking about it. I like the thoughts and the sexual thoughts arouse me so much! but sometimes I feel so much shame afterwards and feel like something is wrong with me. It's so frustrating to say the least.

Is this normal? How do I overcome this? I've never had no experience with BDSM or being with a Dom, but the sexual thoughts are so intense, that sometimes I feel shame afterwards. So I feel guilty and feel horrible about myself, but when the thoughts resurface again, I'm so turned on by it, and the same thing happens again... this is one thing that's frustrating. and I hope I overcome it one day. Any thoughts or advice would be helpful. Thank you!!

I venture to say it has a lot to do with your upbringing, religious beliefs, or the culture you were raised in. I grew up strict Southern Baptist parents. So I grew up thinking sex was for making babies only and that if I took pleasure in sex then I was sinning. I've struggled with similar feelings for most of my life. Getting rid of that guilt or shame comes with time, and learning to love yourself. Even those "weird" kinky parts.