That's an easy one for me since the stereotypical Dom is a hypermasculine sadist. Or if he isn't a hypermasculine sadist, he should at least be an asshole.
Sorry. Nope, nope, nope.
That's an easy one for me since the stereotypical Dom is a hypermasculine sadist. Or if he isn't a hypermasculine sadist, he should at least be an asshole.
Sorry. Nope, nope, nope.
cookiecat
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Can't add much more to this - agree 1000% with the above posts. Seela mentions that it's not necessarily the D/s component creating a healing safe space; rather, it's being with a trusted partner who loves and accepts us without judgement. I believe that to be true, too. However, in my experience, it's been my kink partners who were more open to talking about and dealing with emotional issues.
A long time ago - maybe ten years ago - I created a profile on a kinky site looking for a dominant person to help me get healthier. I wanted an accountability manager. Several people answered the ad with very thoughtful, detailed plans. It was one of my first insights in to the idea that D/s wasn't all about kinky sex. That a D/s relationship didn't have to be a "Relationship." It was an interesting experience!
A
AlwaysFara
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I love this question and all of the answers here, particularly seela’s and Annie’s.
My D/s doesn’t carry outside the bedroom. The perfectly relationship-wise dependency and support that we give each other day to day is what makes my relationship healthy. Which is a form of being therapeutic.
The D/s aspect that is therapy for me is the letting go. The cumming. The pain. I need that. I need that emptiness to get rid of all my shit and start over. Fresh. D/s gives that to me like nothing ever has. Including therapy.
A personal story. I lost my person last year, following the death of my parent and other loved ones. A bunch of devastation all at once, again and again. But. She was THE person in my life. I couldn’t grieve her. I didn’t know how. I still don’t, but I’m trying.
Trusting my guy. And being loved in that way, and letting go is the ONLY thing that allowed me to feel emotion then.
I remember fucking him in the days after she died. It was intense, it was D/s. It was rough and there was pain. He knew what I needed.
It was only after that cum that I cried and cried and cried. I cried until I lost my voice. I was able to be empty, in a world without her, and start the terrifying aspect of moving forward. I would have been stuck without him. Without having that in my relationship I would still be a shell.
Sex is therapeutic in general, but it wasn’t just the orgasm. It was him taking it all out of me. That’s what healed me.
PrettyLilPussy19
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I think you can totally make an argument that D/s can be therapeutic. Does that mean is should take the place of proper therapy, if needed? Absolutely not. But there is a beneficial element to letting someone push into places you’re scared to go (with your consent). I internalize so much. It’s definitely unhealthy for me (but I see it as beneficial to others so... ) and to be forced to release all of that emotionally, to feel it, say it, and let it be… not try to excuse it or cover it up. And there is nothing better than a good hard cry when you need it.
I think for me a D/s dynamic could be really helpful in a lot of areas (motivation specifically). I can talk myself out of doing almost anything that is just for me but if someone else is expecting something I will work to surpass every expectation. I’m not sure what that says about me needing someone else to motivate me… but it’s always been true. There are few words sweeter to the ear that “I’m proud of you” and nothing quite so gut wrenching as “I’m disappointed in you”. I”m not sure I’ve experienced this particular dynamic… this “goal oriented” thing but I think I could probably dive into the deep end with a partner who enjoyed doing that.
I agree that all relationships create a dependency. The goal is to keep it from becoming an unhealthy dependency. Love is to need someone - unhealthy love is to not be able to function without someone. I think I recommend to do whatever works for you and your partner. If it’s not fun and beneficial for you both, then try something else.
I’ve really enjoyed this discussion though!!
Yes. And no. And maybe.
I agree with everyone else on this matter, with the contingency that it truly depends on the persons involved. If you look at most relationships in your life objectively, I think it is easy to see that there are elements of D/s in all of them; I’d argue that there can never be a perfect 50/50% partnership because at times we need to take and at times we give.
What is a therapist, but someone we believe is qualified to help us sort out the random shit in our heads, someone we believe we can trust to take care of us? What is a trainer but someone who we pay to push our boundaries, who forces us to continue when we want to quit? And what is a manager but someone who we defer to, who tells us what they want and we comply more often than not without question?
midwestyankee
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No, I can’t. At least not in the purest sense of “therapeutic,” in which psychic healing is both the goal and outcome of the activity. It has never been this in my experience and I can’t recall a good-faith testimony in this forum in which D/s was legitimately therapeutic.
Now, I think that short-term instances such as Fara described approach therapeutic outcomes, but in my view therapy is an intentional and systematic endeavor in which one person is a professionally disinterested practitioner and the other is the patient. What Fara described was not therapy, though the end result surely felt therapeutic.
A good partner in any relationship can assist in behavioral change that is self-selected, and it’s possible that the D/s dynamic might make such assistance a little more explicit than otherwise, but Seela is right: a change you make to satisfy a partner isn’t likely to persist past the end of the relationship.
Mei5ter
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Complex and interesting question, and the answer inevitably will be 'it depends,' according to the degree to which the D/s dynamic permeates your relationship.
'Therapeutic' simply means curative. It needn't refer solely to mental health, even though the word is often used to refer to something which de-stresses or unwinds us.
Thinking solely in terms of D/s in the bedroom, I don't think there's any question that it can be therapeutic as a particular form of stress relief. Some on the 's' side seem to find surrendering control and decision-making can calm and refocus them like nothing else can. Those who are more of the 'D' persuasion seem to find the same in being able to reassert that control by exercising it over a partner. (I can't stand labels, so forgive the scare quotes). That ability to change mutual stress and frustration into mutual relief and pleasure is the alchemy of BDSM.
For the D/s dynamic in a wider relationship, I'd agree with those who have said that it can encourage both sides to be the best version of themselves they can. I will defer to those on the 's' side here, but several people I've met who've identified as such have mentioned the pleasure and satisfaction from completing tasks. If the 'D' issues those tasks with the good of the 's' in mind, why shouldn't that be beneficial for both? I'd also suggest that a good 'D' should be someone who respects the responsibility which comes with that role, and who understands the need to improve themselves in order to shoulder it. Personally, I find it enriches both.
D/s relationships can be toxic, controlling and destructive. So can other relationships, whether with a partner, your family, or friends - it's just that the nature of D/s tends to make the problems more visible - and we all depend on these individuals and groups for our emotional wellbeing. Does dependency always have to be unhealthy? Isn't finding those special people who understand, fulfil and complete us what we're all constantly trying to do?
And thinking of the teachers, managers and personal trainers I've met over the years...I'd rather be motivated by a partner, thank you!
Even that can mean different things to different people. I'm the guy that everybody hates because I'm open to interacting with couples but I don't want to be sexual with another guy.
Sorry, I get that it isn't fair, but I am at least scrupulously careful not to misrepresent myself.
This particular gander doesn't want to be goosed.
Wild_Honey_66
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Even that can mean different things to different people. I'm the guy that everybody hates because I'm open to interacting with couples but I don't want to be sexual with another guy.
Sorry, I get that it isn't fair, but I am at least scrupulously careful not to misrepresent myself.
This particular gander doesn't want to be goosed.
Why on earth would anybody hate you for that? It's a valid preference. And certainly a woman with two partners to attend to her needs has better things to think about than why the fellas aren't getting freaky?
I agree with you, Honey, but when I see couples seeking or just discussing play with single guys, they commonly mention that the male half of the couple is bi and that any prospective partners need to be ok with that.
Mind you, I think it's quite likely that I'm getting a skewed picture: It may well be that couples seeking bi male thirds need to take their searches online much more often than couples who are fine with the idea of adding a straight guy to the mix.
The latter may need to do little more than open their front doors and call for partners.
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Gamine67
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Even that can mean different things to different people. I'm the guy that everybody hates because I'm open to interacting with couples but I don't want to be sexual with another guy.
Sorry, I get that it isn't fair, but I am at least scrupulously careful not to misrepresent myself.
This particular gander doesn't want to be goosed.
I never dated a bisexual male but conversations would end like this once the “threesome” hints would start from whoever my latest beau was.
“Well sure, maybe baby but I get to pick the other guy right?”. The deer in the headlights look that response brings on is both priceless and telling.
Paul_Chance
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Good question. Let me walk through it.
Can you make an argument that D/s can be therapeutic?
Yes, but only in the very general sense that any kind of healthy relationship is therapeutic in the common sense. It is one less area of conflict, one less area of isolation, one less area of unmet desires and that is good for us, in a general way. I don't think it's specific to D/s relationships.
Can a healthy D/s relationship take the place of other healthy activities or motivators in your life?
Yes, but...I think it can, if you relationship is with someone who also is capable of effectively filling multiple roles. If they are a professional trainer, or a teacher, or a coach, or a mentor - and in addition to the relationship role they're able to fill that additional role as well. For example, you're not going to master algebra in a D/s relationship unless your partner is an algebra teacher or has mastered it themselves and can convey that mastery.
However, absent that crossover, I'd say they can't and it would be wrong to expect them to.
Have you ever experienced this dynamic? Would you like to? Do you recommend this or is it creating a dependency on someone else?
I have. I tend to take the whole person approach to relationships (excepting one night stands of course) and in all of my relationships I have been both the student and teacher. Partners have learned things they wanted to learn and they have taught me things I wanted to learn. That is what you do in a relationship IMO, make both partners better, however they happen to define better. Sometimes it is because of the things I can teach or show. Sometimes it is through encouragement or motivation to get a trainer, to get a teacher, to find a counselor, to get a coach.
AveryElle
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Any relationship can be therapeutic. I don't think D/s is any more so than any other good relationship. And in fact, it's very easy to have a shitty relationship in D/s - a D that is manipulative and an s that is that way for the wrong motivations.
And no, for me...compartments. a D can't teach me much outside of what we're exploring in that moment. And personal trainer? What would we be doing where he'd be giving me that much calisthenic work?! manager? No. I don't want someone I love or am in a relationship with managing me. I CAN, however, see that there are some people (to me, I've only seen it in women but I'm sure there are men that are this way) that need more dominating men in their lives because that side of their personalities happens to be lacking. To me, it is for sure creating a dependency dynamic.
But reading the other responses...I think I differ on many of these questions because of the lack of FT dynamic. Maybe if I sought that out, I'd feel less like it's easy to develop a dependency on someone more dominant (borderline domineering?). Because I view it as a sexual relationship, and once the sex is over, largely the D/s dynamic is over or very below the surface...I don't see it as having a healing ability.
It's a very interesting question, however, and I've appreciated the responses.
surrenderedfaith
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I love so many of these answers. Seela, PLP, Blase, and this are at the top of my list.
I will add my own:
Yes, I do absolutely see D/s as therapeutic. It depends upon the parameters of the relationship to what capacity that is. I've had dominants who have been fantastic motivators for my physical, emotional, and spiritual growth. They have acted as guides, teachers, mentors, and managers in some cases. I've had Dominants who have taken interests in specific areas of my life that they helped me set goals for, or Dominants who allowed me to name the goals and they kept me accountable or helped to keep me on track for.
The wisest Dominant I ever had wrote it in the rules that if there was ever anything I needed goal wise, or learning wise, that he could not help me with, that it was his job to help me find someone who could teach me or support me. <<< I appreciated that very much. This was one of the truest moments that he showed his internal nature as a Master.
He made good on that at one point too, making sure that I sought a proper therapist for some issues I was facing re:depression.
On a much more practical level though D/s is essential for me in managing some of my own personal drawbacks in life. It is a coping mechanism for me to deal with anxiety, and Aspergers Syndrome. The form and format of the relationship makes things go much smoother, when used to it's fullest. I'm never happier, more fulfilled, more at peace, and more calm then when things are truly "in hand." The clarity of the needs, wants, expectations, and the ?path? of the relationship are the most helpful things for me.
functional D/s relationships of this nature are where I thrive best. When my partner is identifying areas he would like to see improvement in (or help for himself with) that I can demonstrate concerted effort towards, and receive specific and timely feedback on.... yeah... that makes me feel seen, heard, valued, useful... cared about. I dont feel like an auxiliary part of someone's life. Just there when they decide they have want, need, or time and energy for me.
At one point I wrote a rather detailed explanation of why D/s is an effective coping mechanism for Aspergers Syndrome (it was homework given to me by that very wise Master mentioned). It is something I'd rather not post publicly, but if someone has a specific interest in reading feel free to message me and we can discuss it.
Note: I think in the most healthy relationships it is fair and right for the submissive to ASK (not demand) for help with keeping accountable to specific goals as well it is good and right for the Dominant to also outline those he would like the submissive to work on. The degree to which those latter goals are negotiable is determined by the nature of the relationship (Dominant, Sir, vs Master)
Thank you for the question PLP.
TANSTAAFL58
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No guts, no glory.
I know i come off as kind of goofy and not very serious on the boards, bear with me. It's rant day. (See "Dear Litster").
I was going to write about this on a different thread, and I still may do that later.
My wife is a survivor of sexual abuse at a young age. By a trusted family member. No other details, don't ask. It isn't relevant.
Our D/s relationship exists only in the bedroom. Our bedroom. That's her safe place. There she can be as free as she wishes. She is safe and can relinquish control to me for a short time. Its a little piece of normality.If I don't initiate D/s play, she simply says "tie me up". That's her way of releasing herself to my "control" (not a great word, but leave it)
She knows that the rules are set and I would never force her outside certain limits. Yes growth occurs outside of the comfort zone, and we do push each other outside the comfort zone, but not outside of, well lets call it the safety zone. The place where she knows that the pain from her past and its current echo don't exist.
The power exchange dynamic gives her release, lets her experience the things she was denied early in life. I think it has allowed her life outside our bedroom to evolve, to grow in ways that have astonished many people. Its not the sole reason, but I think it restored her confidence.
It is as therapeutic as any form of play, but by the very intimate nature, it is more therapeutic than any other. [EDIT: What idiot decided there is a second "e" in "therapeutic". Fucking English].
The downside? The rules include prohibitions on things I would like to try, to experience. They would seem mundane and insignificant, but they are important to her. For example: She has never given me a handjob. Every teenager gets one from his girl, but that triggers too many bad memories of her abuse. She compensates in other ways. We have a full and satisfying sex life. If my contemporaries are telling the truth, frankly we're raising the average frequency of intercourse of the over sixty demographic
She knows my desires, and if and when she is ready, she will add those things she is comfortable with to our relationship.
I can wait. She's worth it.
surrenderedfaith
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barefootgirl69
🧡 Wild Lil Cupcake
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Very much so. Dominating someone isn't always a sexual thing. Being someone's Dom should mean you know (or continue to find out) how they think, feel, process things.
I've had Doms who straight up ask where I want to grow, the things I'd like to have a better grip on. One was literature. So he assigned me books that his class was reading, very much outside my regular genre, and we would discuss them. Another was getting better organized and being stronger in my dealings with my ex (a constant growing process). So, I had a notebook to keep track of what I needed to do...and we would practice saying "fuck you" so I didn't sound afraid.
Everything in life should be a growing and learning process. Everyone in our lives should be a part of that, it's no less just because you're in a D/s relationship.
PrettyLilPussy19
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#43
#43
Tasks.
Do you like a task oriented D/s dynamic? Do you to give/receive frequent tasks as part of a connection routine OR does this breech to far into the 24/7 lifestyle for you?
If you do like or have experienced a task based dynamic, what kind of tasks did you enjoy giving or completing? What kind of emotions do you like the tasks to illicit? (pride, connection, humiliation, control?) How do you track or "prove" your tasks, if distance is an issue?
There have been so many good and interesting answers so far that I'm not sure I have much to add but... my few thoughts
- Tasks that are specific to making him happy or me better are always the best
- While I really thrive on this type of dynamic (i like expectations and exceedingly them), I'm also really aware that it's time consuming and a drain on someone who has to constantly think of tasks or keep up with them so I try not to make it a big deal.
- I think tasks are a simply way for you to keep your person close to you, espcialy in LDRs.
- Tasks can cover so many emotions and that's what great about them. You want to show your pride? - have your pyl show off. Connection? Have them start a journal for you. Humiliation? Make her lose her panties half way through the day. Control? - Make him report his orgasms.
Thanks as always for a deeply interesting conversation. I really love it when people participate and interact even though I can't always be here.
#43
Tasks.
Do you like a task oriented D/s dynamic? Do you to give/receive frequent tasks as part of a connection routine OR does this breech to far into the 24/7 lifestyle for you?
If you do like or have experienced a task based dynamic, what kind of tasks did you enjoy giving or completing? What kind of emotions do you like the tasks to illicit? (pride, connection, humiliation, control?) How do you track or "prove" your tasks, if distance is an issue?
There have been so many good and interesting answers so far that I'm not sure I have much to add but... my few thoughts
- Tasks that are specific to making him happy or me better are always the best
- While I really thrive on this type of dynamic (i like expectations and exceedingly them), I'm also really aware that it's time consuming and a drain on someone who has to constantly think of tasks or keep up with them so I try not to make it a big deal.
- I think tasks are a simply way for you to keep your person close to you, espcialy in LDRs.
- Tasks can cover so many emotions and that's what great about them. You want to show your pride? - have your pyl show off. Connection? Have them start a journal for you. Humiliation? Make her lose her panties half way through the day. Control? - Make him report his orgasms.
Thanks as always for a deeply interesting conversation. I really love it when people participate and interact even though I can't always be here.
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AveryElle
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I am very curious about these answers. It makes the switch part of me wonder if I can give tasks like ‘make the bed’.
But for realz, I do not have this and other than orgasm control related things, this isn’t for me. But I don’t have a 24/7 dynamic (which I’ve discussed) so I’m looking forward to people’s answers.
ETA: teledildonics might fall under that. Being told to put it in, etc. yes, please.
But for realz, I do not have this and other than orgasm control related things, this isn’t for me. But I don’t have a 24/7 dynamic (which I’ve discussed) so I’m looking forward to people’s answers.
ETA: teledildonics might fall under that. Being told to put it in, etc. yes, please.
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AnnieLit
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In RL - never used them and don't quite see neither giving, nor accepting any tasks.
In online relationships, though, absolutely LOVE them!
Proofs - pictures, written reports, phone discussions... Depends on the task and where we are in general at.
Emotions - direct physical connection, where it either did not hapen yet or never going to happen.
Types of tasks...
- Go to a store, buy a specific plug, go home, put it in, report back after an hour of wearing it.
- wear a plug for a night out
- wear clothes, selected by the Dom. Maybe the whole outfit, maybe just some specific item
- go pantyless for a day
- tie a ribbon around your nipple and go shopping
- sent a man to a store to buy panties in his size once
- he sent me picture of the storfepp
- edging counts as a task? If so, there was a number I had to reach, before i was allowd to cum.
- directed masturbation? What, where arc
Wild_Honey_66
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I like D/s beyond the bedroom.
I'm not keen on being tasked, it generally makes me feel used.
I am open to having my mind changed at some point in the future.
Sub partners frequently enjoy being tasked, which can be exhausting for me. Rather like trying to keep a toddler entertained. It's a work in progress to find a balance that works for both of us.
What's working with my current active partner, who identifies as pet/slave, is to remember that he really doesn't care what the task is, he only cares that his service is pleasing. So I'm focusing on being more 'selfish' (i sometimes have a hard time turning off my sub/pleaser brain), and asking for things that i really want, vs. only the things i think he might enjoy being tasked with.
I like the tasks to elicit a variety of emotions, based on both of our needs. Connection is a big one. Also, I um... like to create a hunger in them that only i can satisfy
so sometimes a task is only part of bigger picture that i don't divulge to them. Teasing + anticipation + the promise of delayed gratification generally = stiffy, which typically translates into enthusiam about the future. Other tasks meet his need to feel slavey, or feed his exhibitionist side, or to make his pet side feel seen and tended and cherished.
Proof is photographic, or just his word and description of the experience. Generally he offers photo proof before i even ask. Initiative is one of my requirements for a submissive partner.
Sometimes his tasks are to make me feel a certain way.
He's happy with all of them. He's happy when i'm happy.
A
AlwaysFara
Guest
Nope. My one task is I’m expected not to put myself down. It’s hard. He makes me pinch my tongue when I do it, which I like. I like the shame of it.
However, I hate how it makes him feel. He’s not the type to punish me. Most of our pain and control is just that. No hidden agenda. I get spanked and hurt when I’m good.
It makes him sad that I can’t see me the way he does.
So. It sucks.
I did the whole edge/cum thing when I first got here. One guy made me put an ice cube in my pussy at work. One guy made me fuck a hairbrush...not the bristle end. Clothing requests. Bla bla bla.
I’m over it. FOR ME, this is over.
I don’t miss it.
I’m not blasting anyone else who chooses to do this. Long distance, especially, it’s a good way to utilize D/s.
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A
AlwaysFara
Guest
Oh, oh!!! I also had to go to a sex shop and ask the girl there, who has helped me before, what she used to get off, buy it, tip her, and kiss her.
I did all but the kiss. She doesn’t have to deal with my task. I felt it was intrusive to do that.
She did hug me, though.
I did all but the kiss. She doesn’t have to deal with my task. I felt it was intrusive to do that.
She did hug me, though.
Wild_Honey_66
sweet freak
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The only tasks i liked had nothing to do with control, really.
They were about helping me love myself, take care of myself.
They were about helping me love myself, take care of myself.
A
AlwaysFara
Guest
That’s part of my relationship. The D/s was the control.
