❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[TANSTAAFL58]

#46

No.

How important to you is the word "no"? We know we should all have the ability to say no but how important to your dynamic is it to refuse a request? Tops, do you relish saying 'no' or do you like holding out? Bottoms, does your 'no' indicate a certain playfulness or are you trying to get a reaction?

It is number one in the D/s dynamic.

If you can't say "no" and make it stick, you shouldn't say "yes" to anyone. That goes for any sexual activity, no matter how Vanilla* (and remember: Vanilla is a pretty great flavour). That also goes for Tops as well as bottoms.

Yes, denial is a fun aspect of power exchange, but a real, hard "no" from a Top (to a certain act or practice that isn't safe or sane for example) is as important as a bottom's hard limits. If you both can't get behind that, move on. It's not gonna be fun for at least one of you.

And that's the idea: fun. I think that's often why BDSM is so misunderstood by Vanilla folks. They think we're being cruel and irresponsible. They can't fathom the enjoyment.

*I bet pretty soon "Vanilla" is going to be considered a slur.

 

[Karabare]

#46

No.

How important to you is the word "no"? We know we should all have the ability to say no but how important to your dynamic is it to refuse a request? Tops, do you relish saying 'no' or do you like holding out? Bottoms, does your 'no' indicate a certain playfulness or are you trying to get a reaction?

It's important but I probably say it too much. I often won't let people even into a conversation because i already know I'm going to say no. I also don't feel that bad about it. Someone has to say it and sometimes it's me.

 

[AlwaysFara]

It's important but I probably say it too much. I often won't let people even into a conversation because in already know I'm going to say no. I also don't feel that bad about it. Someone has to say it and sometimes it's me.

This.

And Tan? Vanilla is always deep and rich and good. It’s about the quality. Not the flavor. It’s never a slur with me.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

This.

And Tan? Vanilla is always deep and rich and good. It’s about the quality. Not the flavor. It’s never a slur with me.

Glad to hear that. My writing includes (I think pretty hot) very vanilla sex. Until now I haven't been ready to share my kinks on the other side, even as fiction. (I have four somewhat "harder" stories and one conventional one on the go now).

 

[Bramblethorn]

And that's the idea: fun. I think that's often why BDSM is so misunderstood by Vanilla folks. They think we're being cruel and irresponsible. They can't fathom the enjoyment.

*I bet pretty soon "Vanilla" is going to be considered a slur.

I hear it used that way occasionally by BDSM folk and it pisses me off. Some folk aren't happy unless they're tearing somebody else down.

 

[philos]

Isn’t it a weird word to use? Vanilla is such an awesome flavor. It’s made from flowers like orchids and is subtle yet distinct. It makes great alcohol and whipped cream. Nothing “vanilla “ about vanilla.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Isn’t it a weird word to use? Vanilla is such an awesome flavor. It’s made from flowers like orchids and is subtle yet distinct. It makes great alcohol and whipped cream. Nothing “vanilla “ about vanilla.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#46

No.

How important to you is the word "no"? We know we should all have the ability to say no but how important to your dynamic is it to refuse a request? Tops, do you relish saying 'no' or do you like holding out? Bottoms, does your 'no' indicate a certain playfulness or are you trying to get a reaction?

No - past consent. Obviously no means no.
Ok now that we're past that.

No sometimes means - not right now - or - why don't you make me? I'm also a people pleaser. I love making my person happy and giving him what he asks for but... I like the playfulness too. I'm not a mindless follower and while I am obedient, I like to make him work for it a little bit.

Being told no? I like the challenge of it or the care in it. If he just said no for pure denial that would be different. But if he says no it's usually for a good reason. No you can't touch until I say. No you can't cum. Gahh!!
No, don't post that sassy comment or give into someone elses's peer pressuree. That says he cares.

No is just as important as yes.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I need questions submissions, pleeeeeeease!!!

 

[Paul_Chance]

#46

No.

How important to you is the word "no"? We know we should all have the ability to say no but how important to your dynamic is it to refuse a request? Tops, do you relish saying 'no' or do you like holding out? Bottoms, does your 'no' indicate a certain playfulness or are you trying to get a reaction?

In a sexual relationship it only appears when we're edging or playing denial games.

IRL I use no often enough. Life is to short to waste it doing things you don't want to or don't need to, so a simple no is one of the keys to living the life you enjoy. At work, LOL, it all depends on "how much are you going to pay me to make me convince me to say yes". (As a consultant, I am not in the business of telling customers they can't do think - but rather honestly telling them how much it will cost and how long it will take. Anything can be done, if your balance is deep enough.)

 

[Nzerxx]

No - past consent. Obviously no means no.
Ok now that we're past that.

No sometimes means - not right now - or - why don't you make me? I'm also a people pleaser. I love making my person happy and giving him what he asks for but... I like the playfulness too. I'm not a mindless follower and while I am obedient, I like to make him work for it a little bit.

Being told no? I like the challenge of it or the care in it. If he just said no for pure denial that would be different. But if he says no it's usually for a good reason. No you can't touch until I say. No you can't cum. Gahh!!
No, don't post that sassy comment or give into someone elses's peer pressuree. That says he cares.

No is just as important as yes.

this PLP

This is pretty much me too....Its all in the tone of the NO for me. Is it playful? If so I'll play right back Is it just for the sake of it? That will just annoy me. Do I understand why? I need further clarification. Or is it that tone? The one that speaks to me...the one I obey without thinking? Because he knows me, knows what I need, makes me stronger, deepens our bond and keeps me safe

Its all in the tone

Its all in the tone

 

[AveryElle]

In a sexual relationship it only appears when we're edging or playing denial games.

IRL I use no often enough. Life is to short to waste it doing things you don't want to or don't need to, so a simple no is one of the keys to living the life you enjoy. At work, LOL, it all depends on "how much are you going to pay me to make me convince me to say yes". (As a consultant, I am not in the business of telling customers they can't do think - but rather honestly telling them how much it will cost and how long it will take. Anything can be done, if your balance is deep enough.)

this isn’t meant to be pedantic but...any other moms that also have jobs feel like this isn’t applicable to them? Or just me...?

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#47

#47 (submitted with additions)

Pain:

Where do you most like to be hurt? Is there somewhere you don’t like to feel it? Are these answers because of how they feel physically or emotionally?
Or is there a particular place or way you like to cause pain?

 

[AlwaysFara]

#47 (submitted with additions)

Pain:

Where do you most like to be hurt? Is there somewhere you don’t like to feel it? Are these answers because of how they feel physically or emotionally?
Or is there a particular place or way you like to cause pain?

I like nipple pain. A lot. I don’t even feel it during, and the more I have, the more I want. It’s both physical and emotional. Being held like that and being bitten and suckled makes me feel taken. Ravaged. Watching his face. I feel closer to him. It’s very emotional. It makes me weep.
I like pain pretty much everywhere, except my limbs. It just hurts too badly the next day if my arms or legs were compromised.

I like his body to cause my pain, as opposed to toys or other implements. It’s the flesh on flesh which allows me to feel his strength, which I need.

I never self abuse. I torture myself enough, emotionally.
I trust him to give me my pain, and he also takes so much of it away.
I’m lucky.

 

[AveryElle]

#47 (submitted with additions)
Pain:
Where do you most like to be hurt? Is there somewhere you don’t like to feel it? Are these answers because of how they feel physically or emotionally?
Or is there a particular place or way you like to cause pain?

I have a high pain tolerance, but it doesn't always turn me on. There's a time and place for it. But my pain interests are largely sensation based not "pulling, tugging, rigging" type of thing. And generally, because of past issues, breast "torture" isn't my thing at all. Medical pain is, to me, the worst. So like the weird gyno medical pain play people are into isn't my thing. I think that's probably more for people who didn't have an awful L&D!

But hot wax (fuck yes), stinging impacts, bites and scratches. Yes, please. It's how they feel physically. There aren't many people I regularly do these things with, but those with whom I do, the emotional connection is strong and I trust them to listen to me when I say 'stop'. I've always liked sensation pain (hence, tattoos) or pushing myself to what I can handle in nonsexual ways, so it's no different in sex.

Causing pain isn't my thing. I'm switchy in a bratty way, and limit my pain giving to bites and whatever my fingernails do by accident/reflex.

It isn't a fetish, however - I do not need this type of dynamic in order to enjoy an encounter. I just can't be the one to really give it.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I have a high pain tolerance, but it doesn't always turn me on. There's a time and place for it. But my pain interests are largely sensation based not "pulling, tugging, rigging" type of thing. And generally, because of past issues, breast "torture" isn't my thing at all. Medical pain is, to me, the worst. So like the weird gyno medical pain play people are into isn't my thing. I think that's probably more for people who didn't have an awful L&D!

But hot wax (fuck yes), stinging impacts, bites and scratches. Yes, please. It's how they feel physically. There aren't many people I regularly do these things with, but those with whom I do, the emotional connection is strong and I trust them to listen to me when I say 'stop'. I've always liked sensation pain (hence, tattoos) or pushing myself to what I can handle in nonsexual ways, so it's no different in sex.

Causing pain isn't my thing. I'm switchy in a bratty way, and limit my pain giving to bites and whatever my fingernails do by accident/reflex.

It isn't a fetish, however - I do not need this type of dynamic in order to enjoy an encounter. I just can't be the one to really give it.

I like tat pain, as well, and I hate causing pain.

 

[AveryElle]

I like tat pain, as well, and I hate causing pain.

Nothing feels as awfully good as a tattoo!

 

[AlwaysFara]

Nothing feels as awfully good as a tattoo!

It’s addicting.

 

[cascadiabound]

I like nipple pain. A lot. I don’t even feel it during, and the more I have, the more I want. It’s both physical and emotional. Being held like that and being bitten and suckled makes me feel taken. Ravaged. Watching his face. I feel closer to him. It’s very emotional. It makes me weep.
I like pain pretty much everywhere, except my limbs. It just hurts too badly the next day if my arms or legs were compromised.

I like his body to cause my pain, as opposed to toys or other implements. It’s the flesh on flesh which allows me to feel his strength, which I need.

I never self abuse. I torture myself enough, emotionally.
I trust him to give me my pain, and he also takes so much of it away.
I’m lucky.

This all resonates with me a lot. That flesh in flesh thing is why I will choose being spanked with his hand over any other implement every time.
I like the pain of hair pulled and the pain/constraint of rope. Leave my face alone. no slaps or ear pinching.
I hate and love the pain inflicted on my thighs. Often it feels too much. Makes me cry faster than any other place.
I also never self abuse.

 

[AlwaysFara]

This all resonates with me a lot. That flesh in flesh thing is why I will choose being spanked with his hand over any other implement every time.
I like the pain of hair pulled and the pain/constraint of rope. Leave my face alone. no slaps or ear pinching.
I hate and love the pain inflicted on my thighs. Often it feels too much. Makes me cry faster than any other place.
I also never self abuse.

I like having my face slapped. To “refocus, slut”.

Yeah, thighs are good. Even though it turns me on, it’s very hard for me to be restrained. I physically tense so much I’m sore the next week.

 

[AnnieLit]

#47 (submitted with additions)

Pain:

Where do you most like to be hurt? Is there somewhere you don’t like to feel it? Are these answers because of how they feel physically or emotionally?
Or is there a particular place or way you like to cause pain?

Receiving
Nipples and breasts in general - bring it on!
Spanking -- yes, please.
Hair pulling... To control/move/turn -- yes. Just to cause pain -- up to a point.
Face -- no!

Causing pain... Nails on the back, on the ass, on the back of the head. Lighter and more carefully nails on the cock -- don't know if there is any real pain from this, probably more fear than pain.
Biting...anywhere he can stand it
Paddle, crop, cane on the ass.
Don't *have* to do it, but I do enjoy it.

I can't separate physical and emotional sides, so can't answer that question.

 

[Paul_Chance]

#47 (submitted with additions)

Pain:

Where do you most like to be hurt? Is there somewhere you don’t like to feel it? Are these answers because of how they feel physically or emotionally?
Or is there a particular place or way you like to cause pain?

I'm not much of a pain junkie. On the receiving side, a perfectly timed nipple pinch or bite is a wonderful trigger, as is a strong grip at the right time. I am not fond of anything that breaks the skin, mainly for health reasons. I like the feel of nails on my skin, but breaking the skin is a line I don't like to cross.

On the side of the person inflicting the pain, it depends entirely on what my partner wants. Inflicting pain in itself isn't very arousing for me. I am more in the BD side of the BDSM equation.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I'm not much of a pain junkie. On the receiving side, a perfectly timed nipple pinch or bite is a wonderful trigger, as is a strong grip at the right time. I am not fond of anything that breaks the skin, mainly for health reasons. I like the feel of nails on my skin, but breaking the skin is a line I don't like to cross.

On the side of the person inflicting the pain, it depends entirely on what my partner wants. Inflicting pain in itself isn't very arousing for me. I am more in the BD side of the BDSM equation.

I think I’m on the other side. I never broke it down like that.

 

[cookiecat]

#47 (submitted with additions)

Pain:

Where do you most like to be hurt? Is there somewhere you don’t like to feel it? Are these answers because of how they feel physically or emotionally?
Or is there a particular place or way you like to cause pain?

I don't like pain or being hurt - not like I like ice cream or pizza. But I find pain / hurt useful. It's transformative.

Some sensation play - nipple clamps, spanking - is enjoyable. But true pain isn't enjoyable. It fucking hurts. At times, though, I crave it. I wonder about being a cutter - I've heard that cutting is a release. That's how I feel with being hurt.

There's something thrilling (I"m not sure this is the right word?) about enduring being deliberately hurt. How much I can take until I use a safe word, until I finally break? I want to be with someone who enjoys playing with me this way. He knows I need this. Fara talks about this - her guy gives her pain in order to take her self-created pain away.

It's cathartic. Soul cleansing.

I wouldn't play at this level with just a play partner. It would have to be someone who knows my demons and has a vested interest in chasing them away.

Feet are a hard limit. Inner thighs, breasts are for special occasions

I've had clothespins in weird places like armpits, jawline, inbetween toes. Not a huge fan. I think I like the hurt to be on the usual places: butt, thighs.

 

[Nzerxx]

...But hot wax (fuck yes)...

As someone new to this, I can't wait to experience wax...

There aren't many people I regularly do these things with, but those with whom I do, the emotional connection is strong and I trust them to listen to me when I say 'stop'.

I too need an emotional connection