Actions speak louder than words.

[CasualLurker]

Questions:

1.) Do you have a history of things happening to you where you have to get your husband to help you out?

2.) You should not have gone home early, you should have stayed there and had your mom take your 2 year old son back to your house where you husband was. That's not not your husbands fault, that's yours.

3.a.) When you got home and the house was trashed, after he was supposed to be cleaning it up, what was the excuse?

3.b.) Why did you clean it up instead of going to bed and making him clean it up?

4.) Why is your car still in need of service? He can't fix it? The household cannot afford someone to fix it and it's beyond his skills?

5.) You're absolutely right, you do have a job taking care of the house and the kids. Unless he wants to stay home and do that, and you go out and get a job. What is his opinion on that?

6.) What does he mean that he "expected it to happen again" in regards to you having mental breakdowns? Why would he be making that reference?

 

[kikmosa]

Hun, it's abuse. Pure and simple. It's also easy for everyone to tell you to get out or seek counseling. I know how hard it is to actually do it. It's hard to swallow your pride and ask for help, or to let someone know all of the pains and sorrows you hold in your heart. Just know that there are people that truely want to help. Who won't judge, who will listen and really hear.

Please listen to this though. As painful as it is now, how much worse will it be when he starts to do this to your children as they grow. And he will. He'll use all of those little digging ways and words and bit by bit tear down their self-confidence. Make them think they're not worth anything. Just as he's doing to you now. I've been there, I know how it feels. The pain of knowing you'll never be good enough. Of being told how useless I am, how stupid and clumsy. When you hear it enough you believe it. Children believe so much faster.

You don't deserve that. Your strong, (leaving the hospital that soon?) your good and you should be told this every day. You love your children very much. For them, try the counseling. If it doesn't work, for their good, get out. I know that will be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you can do it and you will survive.


Never believe an emotional abuser won't hit. Often it progresses to that. Not always but often. Many women swear their SO won't only to end up battered. I hope and pray your right but I will never trust any type of abuser not to hit.

 

[Mephistophelily]

The only things I have ever asked for his help on is my cars. I know nothing on vehicles, but I used to be able to afford to get work done myself.

Son begged for me to come home.

He said he was busy with other things.

No, we can't afford to get the car fixed by someone. My mom had given me a little money for my birthday, but I ended up having to use most of it for the kids. (I'm not complaining on having to buy stuff for my kids. But I am upset that he wanted to use it for hunting stuff before I did it.)

He already said something on me working. I can work M-F and be home before he is. This whole weekend thing is frustrating him because he has to drive me in and keep the kids busy, part of why I never work a full shift. I get worried that the kids are getting upset for him and getting him mad, so I rush through everything to leave early.

Whenever I get crying or upset, he says that he knew I was stressed enough to do it, that he expected it again. That I "do it enough to guess when it will happen".



I did tell him that I was hoping to see someone, but that I wanted to go because of the dreams and bad thoughts I've been having. (Which is true. My head has firmly decided that I'm past my middle age and will be dead before 50. I have dreams of my death every night.) He told me to see what that place could do, but when I called, they said it was $55 a half hour. I can't afford that. There is a phone number given from his work for stress and such open to his family as well, but I don't feel right calling a number from his work with this.

I was looking up some of the things that were bothering me; I found a site that had a description that fit him to a T- passive-aggressive abusive. (I mean, the first description of it is the title I gave this thread!)

 

[favoritesgoddess]

Contact a woman's shelter. Your local PD will have a number for you. They can help you get the help you need in a way you can afford it.

Don't let excuses keep you from being happy.

 

[SweetErika]

Isn't is possible--likely, even--that your fears and dreams are a result of the tremendous stress you're under in general, and the abuse you're suffering specifically?

Get therapy for the abuse. The stress and fear are almost certainly a result of that, so you can deal with those in the sessions as well. If you need to tell him you're going, you can say you're going for the stress/dreams/whatever, and that will be the truth since everything's related. If he wonders why you're getting help for little or nothing, explain you found someone who's willing to help you pro bono or on a sliding scale. I'd suggest asking the therapist how you should deal with letting him know about the therapy if he gets suspicious or finds out, but those are some temporary suggestions.

Like we've all said, there is free or affordable help for the abuse. Take advantage of it while your mom is willing to take the kids and such! As the link you posted said, you are being abused, and that is exactly what domestic violence, womens' and family organizations are for. You deserve to get the help you need not only to survive, but thrive, honey.

Have you been here and called the hotline yet? If not, that'd be a great step.

 

[cryforme1v]

i had most of the same issues with my sons dad, whom i was with for only 3 years.
It all started with making me feel small, like everything i did was pointless and a waste of time.
When i got preg, most of the pregnancy was just unpleasent. The pregnancy was fine but my emotions were high and everything he said i hung on to. In my 8th month of pregnancy, he started the physical violance and hit me in the back/side and broke one of my ribs. <first time i was hit.
My son came a week after my due date, induction then c-section.
The day before i was suppose to be induced, he made me go to his parents house- 2 hours away, for a baby shower because we were broke with me being out of work we needed what we could get. He refused to accept any of the gifts unless i had gone. That night he made me drive from his moms to his sisters<another 2 hours from my hospital>then back, we didnt get to his moms till 4am. Had to get up at 7 for the babyshower. After babyshower, i tried to go home - he wouldnt give me my keys. Finally about 8pm, i was able to get my keys and go home just to be induced by midnight.
I was in the hospital for a week because of complications. He came to see me once. I sat in my hospital room the entire week alone.
When i was finally able to go home - my entire house was trashed. Dishes that were there the night i went into the hospital were still in the sink. His mom and sister were there and within 20 minutes of being home, i started getting screamed at because the house wasnt clean.
After his mom n sis left, i got my ass kicked. Recracked the rib that was barely healed.
After another year of dealing with that shit, i finally worked up and left. Got a battery/domestic abuse restraining order and a child abuse restraining order.

This is my story, and the reason i tell it to you is because i think you need to hear it. You need to know that there are other people that have gone through the same line of bullshit "oh i'm sorry it'll never happen again" then get treated like dirt again within a few hours.
You need to either tell him to straighten up his act, or get the hell out. YOU do not deserve to be treated like that and he needs to respect you. You are the mother of his children, if he cannot respect you, then what makes you think he's going to respect your babies?

 

[lovescoldmetal]

Just to say I am sad for you, Mephistophelily, and the others on here with similar stories. I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you.

 

[Toqueme]

I had to jump in without reading the rest of the thread, so if this is a repeat, I apologize.
You state that you firmly believe that he'd never hit you.
Yes he could.

My heart goes out to you. I am PROUD of you for reaching out.

 

[Bandit58]

I have boobs. Most people seem to notice that pretty quickly. They're actually the main reason my husband married me.

Direct quote from Mephistophelily's profile.
That tells me that he doesn't see her as a person, that he doesn't care about her.

My ex husband never hit me, or the kids. However he was violent towards animals, and had a terrible temper. I've seen him almost kill a young sheep that would not keep still while he was shearing it (he is a farmer), he deliberately stood on its throat until it was semi conscious and then threw it down the chute to the pen below. It was lucky to survive.

The times I was ill and had to look after myself. The times I had to drive myself to the doctor because he was "too busy". One time our son aged 10 was in hospital with food poisoning, he was there for 5 days and not once did my ex visit because yes he was too busy again (with shearing...he had brothers who would have put the sheep in the shed if he'd asked ). I had to cook but I made sandwiches and told them to make their own tea because I was going to the hospital no matter what. Our kid was bleeding from the bowel and very dehydrated, he spent 2 days on a drip. I still can't believe how uncaring he was

I had a very bad nosebleed once. It bled off and on for hours and I asked him to drive me to the doctor that night because I was so frightened....I ended up in hospital with my nose plugged for 5 days, he visited once with his mother and brought our son, then aged 14 months, to see me. He was pissed at having to drive me in to town because he had to be up early the next morning.

Actions do indeed speak louder than words. When I told my ex I was leaving, after 23 years of marriage, he tried to tell me that he loved me. He'd never said it before that I can remember.

 

[fuckmeat]

{{{{{{{Lily}}}}}}}

But I am upset that he wanted to use it for hunting stuff before I did it.

You're serious? He wanted you to use your birthday money from your mom to buy him hunting stuff? Do you get to spend his birthday money from his parents on whatever you like?

He already said something on me working. I can work M-F and be home before he is. This whole weekend thing is frustrating him because he has to drive me in and keep the kids busy, part of why I never work a full shift. I get worried that the kids are getting upset for him and getting him mad, so I rush through everything to leave early.

And if you start working is he going to take on some of the housework? Because based on your return from hospital I doubt it.

Whenever I get crying or upset, he says that he knew I was stressed enough to do it, that he expected it again. That I "do it enough to guess when it will happen".

Is he referring to your cycle here? He seems to have a very chauvinist perspective in general so it wouldn't be too much of a leap for him to roll his eyes and blame hormones when you're upset. You have to convey that you're not hormonal, you're at breaking point. If you can't do that, you need to find some kind of mediator who can get through to him, whether that be the counsellor or someone else. If you're clinically depressed you GP may be able to help you with that temporarily but in reality, the root causes of your depression must be constructively addressed.

I did tell him that I was hoping to see someone, but that I wanted to go because of the dreams and bad thoughts I've been having. (Which is true. My head has firmly decided that I'm past my middle age and will be dead before 50. I have dreams of my death every night.) He told me to see what that place could do, but when I called, they said it was $55 a half hour. I can't afford that. There is a phone number given from his work for stress and such open to his family as well, but I don't feel right calling a number from his work with this.

Good grief sweetheart, whatever has made you feel like this?



Ok. I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark here and assume your man moved from his parents' place into your first home together. Guys like this can assume you will love them unconditionally - like their mom does. Guys like this have never had to cook, clean, wash their own clothes or run their own home. They have no concept of how hard housewives work. After ten years, he's probably way to complacent to think for one moment that you might prefer life as a single mom. Financial security is no substitute for self respect. Your man is still a spoilt child in many ways and since you can't exert parental authority over him, as his mom once did, you find it impossible to moderate his behaviour or make him see things from your point of view. It's no wonder you feel like you have three kids. Aside form his wage, you do.

It disturbs me that he's not only complacent about your feelings, but your children's too. Your son was missing you, which would have distressed him enough. He was promised some time with his father and your husband simply couldn't be bothered. I'm sorry but that's actually shocking to me. Any loving father with half a brain would be able to empathise enough to know that their son would feel unsettled and abandoned by a long stay at his grandparents. It's not even as though your man was scrubbing the house from floor to ceiling. He was apparently enjoying a few days of bachelorhood while you underwent a C section and your mom cared for your son! If he can't come through at a time like that, when on Earth do you expect him to? I can't believe you're not more angry with him, on your son's behalf if not your own.

If you want my tuppence, it's not that he doesn't realise what an ass he is, it's simply that he doesn't care. Not enough anyway, not nearly and certainly not when it counts such as when you were in hospital. No amount of counselling will change his attitude. For your children's sake, you need to take sole responsibility for your wellbeing and theirs by extension. If he won't take you seriously and you can't give him the wake-up call he desperately needs, you should start seriously considering a plan B for you and the kids.

And another thought, how are you faring since the birth of your new one? Because all this crap would be enough to give a saint post partum depression.

For me, the title of this thread says it all. It's easy to apologise. Remorse is not repeating the same insensitive behaviour again and again.

Hugs and hugs and more hugs.

ETA: I just realised I've quoted your post but mine won't make sense if I edit out the quotes. If at any time you want your quoted post deleted from mine, just drop me a pm and I'll happily edit.

 

[Gil_T2]

I had to jump in without reading the rest of the thread, so if this is a repeat, I apologize.
You state that you firmly believe that he'd never hit you.
Yes he could.
I lived with emotional abuse for years. I knew, KNEW, he'd never get physical with me.
Until he beat the fuck outta me and almost killed me one night with our son sleeping in the next room.

My heart goes out to you. I am PROUD of you for reaching out.

This was a huge step in the right direction for her also for you giving a small climpse of your own experience.

I started the link below to help one lady who was an abuse surviver but it has so many others come through the thread both seeking & offering a kind place with understanding people, please venture over & have a read.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=119289

 

[operaBaritone]

There is no excuse

There is no excuse for this sort of verbal and emotional abuse.

Honestly, though I admit I'm young and have never been married AND do not have a lot of experience with long term relationships, it seems to me that this is abuse, and you need to get out of this marriage.

Of course, pursue therapy, but just remember that that may not work.

I would not even think about talking about divorce or separation unless I thought it was necessary. But I am talking about it... so I think it is.

Kids make things extremely complicated, I fully admit. And I also admit to not knowing anything about how to handle this at the micro level.

However, when you married your husband you consented to living with him and being his wife ON CERTAIN CONDITIONS. A safe environment is one of those conditions, and he is not meeting it. Therefore this marriage is currently not consensual, to borrow a phrase, this is not what you signed up for. Relationships and marriage are supposed to be self and partner edifying, they are not one way streets and they are certainly not the environment for abusive action.

There are people on this thread who know A LOT more about this than I do, I just really felt for your situation and wanted to give my two cents.

 

[4bidnfruit]

Wow~
I have to wonder, does living in this enviroment effect you. If you seen/heard a pregnant woman falling down the stairs, would you care? What would it take for you not to?

Seriously? I have denied some crazy shit in my time but thankfully, I never had to sleep with him. You should not have to convince anyone to treat you with decency, especially when he claims to love you. It sounds like he has made this your problem, so maybe you should focus on yourself without trying to understand/justify his treatment of you.

No decision is a decision and you are responsible for your own happiness. Your children will grow to learn their environment and then they will leave you with the man you built a relationship with, in verbal protest.

I wish I had some words of wisdom but to be honest, I don’t understand. If I were in this situation, I don’t believe my “bad thoughts” would be about my own death. Maybe it’s possible to love too much.

 

[SweetErika]

4bdnfruit, please take the quotes out of your post. She asked you twice not to quote her posts in the post you quoted.

 

[4bidnfruit]

4bdnfruit, please take the quotes out of your post. She asked you twice not to quote her posts in the post you quoted.

I took out her name. but you are correct. she did and I will edit.

 

[Mephistophelily]

He had said it in a joking tone, FM, but still... When he heard she gave me $100 he gave me a rather sour look about it.

I don't think he was trying to blame my cycle, as I don't really have one anymore; I'm on one of those insert things and I only get like a two or three day "mini-cycle". He did ask if that was happening a few days ago, because I kept saying I didn't feel that good and he kept trying to give me midol. I've tried and tried to tell him that I need his help, that something is wrong, that he's making me feel like hell after promising me when we first met that he'd never make me feel this way after feeling like shit for so long with my dad. (With my dad, it was blunt drunken screamings & insults and things thrown at me. I knew flat off he was abusing me. When he got cancer, he was told to stop drinking or he'd die. 14 years later and we actually get along.)

We have our good days (for the most part), and then the days where I can't even be around him because of how much he hurt me. Today's an okay day. He wants to go out together tonight and made plans for his parents to watch the kids, said that I needed a day out.

I know he's trying to be nice with this, but I sometimes feel like the dog being taken to the park. Oh boy! I got to go outside! I got to go in the car! But I may run away, so you better bring me home soon...


But you're exactly right FM. In fact, when we first bought our first place, there was a lag time between paperwork and move in, so we lived with his folks for about a month; the upper floor was ours, and I told mom I wanted to at least handle as much as I could of our own stuff. We were simply staying there for a bit, not moving back in- but she took right over. She made the bed every day, she started taking our laundry (that bothered the hell out of me. She yelled at me for going to the laundromat and then for trying to use her washer instead.) When I mentioned to him that she was doing all this, he just shrugged and said that's just what mom does.

Now I realize he meant this as a generalization of "mom", not just his own. He wants me to be "mom". A second version of his mom. She's a nice woman and all, but she's, well, a bit OC on everything. She's been a housewife since before he was born. I do not fit well in the stay-at-home-mom label. I do not feel right living off someone else's money and not working for myself. He said he wants to be the picture of the "old school dad". So he wants me to be the old school mom? I can't do that!

I don't mind that he wanted to bachelor it a bit while I was in the hospital. Our lives were about to become even more hectic, so a day to himself seemed a good idea. But that he promised our boy special time too and then broke that... it hurt. Terribly. And it hurt the boy too. I'm still very angry at him for that. He makes lots of promises to both our son and myself, and rarely ever keeps them (the car, for example... or this big train thing a few months back for the boy). I've gotten used to it. I take his promises lightly. But my son... He takes Daddy's word as gold. To have that broken leaves him sobbing. He finally said something to his dad last week that just broke my heart. "You don't love me, daddy." I started crying, but Mr didn't. "He doesn't know what he's saying, he's just mad because I won't let him have what he wants."


I'm doing okay with baby.
She and big bro are pretty much the big parts of not letting my 'bad thoughts' control my head. My stress level is rather insane right now (which is another thing he blames for me thinking he's being mean... hence his new attempts at trying to be nicer, but he wanders back to his old ways by the end of the night).

I had another talk with him on the counselor today, that the dreams are getting worse and I've been avoiding sleep because of them. He said if I felt I need it then do it- He forgot his work medical credit card would cover stuff like that. I feel a bit better knowing we can afford it, but still have that horrible pit in my stomach on actually going.

I'm just scared. Insanely scared. I don't know why... but I am.

Thanks for letting me talk to you guys on all this. Even having this up scares me, but more on the idea of him seeing. I honestly don't know what he'd say about it, but I just had to talk to someone. The semi-anonymity of the boards helped. I'm honestly not trying to do a "boohoo pity me and my shitty relationship" thing. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do... if I'm overthinking, overanalyzing...

I know that I'm not without faults myself. I could be doing better on keeping things up since I'm still unemployed, but its hard when both kids are insanely clingy all day. I'm trying to do the best I can. I know I'm not the perfect mother, but I'm trying so hard to keep my kids at least as happy as possible.


Sorry this was so long.
Sorry it was kind of a rant. Guess I had some stuff to get off.
I suppose it's helping me to focus on the things bothering me for that appointment.

 

[dollface007]

...I'm just scared. I don't know what he'll think of all this. I've tried so hard to be open with him, tell him everything that bothers me, but he just doesn't seem to understand. I still believe he doesn't get what he's doing, that he's simply doing without thinking, without realizing- but every time I try to tell him, he writes it off as me overreacting....

The reason why he's just so flummoxed that you would have a problem with his behavior is this:

He is a textbook abuser. He feels entitled to act the way he's acting simply because he's a man and he's "The Husband." Why can't you just accept the fact that he's everything and you're nothing? Just shut up and quit sitting around the house all day like a lazy goodfornothing... You get the idea.

The belittling and crazy-making are exactly how he exerts control over you. The important thing here is *control*. Abuse isn't about anger. It's about power. If he can convince you that you're an idiot, that you're just overreacting and acting crazy, your self-esteem will soon enough be down to zero and he will have complete control over your marriage without having to ever consider your feelings or the fact that you are a human being again.

The car and the money are just two other examples of how he's purposefully...YES, PURPOSEFULLY...exerting control over you. It sounds like you don't get much money from him...even to spend on the kids. And he refuses to fix your car, leaving you helpless and dependent on him (or other family members) for transportation. Then he has the nerve to complain about having to drive you everywhere. What a piece of work this guy is.

Abusers tend to get worse when their partners are pregnant. Again, textbook.

Just ask yourself this: What kind of sick motherfucker doesn't scoop up his pregnant wife in his arms and rush her to the hospital as soon as he finds out she fell down the stairs? WHAT THE FUCK?

Here's the good news:
It sounds like he doesn't know who he's dealing with. The fact that you know that this behavior is wrong, that you are reaching out for help, tells me that you are a strong and capable woman and he doesn't have complete control over you because you haven't let him.

I just have to tell you that I am so so so proud of you for reaching out. It's time to put you and your children first. If he can't get with the program, that's his problem. Just know that he might try to make it worse for you, that he might act out more, once you start standing up for yourself. Just steel youself for that possibility, and have a plan for a place where you and the kids can go if you need to get out of the house.

Finally, I am so very sorry you have to go through this. You're clearly a smart, articulate, beautiful person and loving mother. You don't deserve this.

 

[fuckmeat]

He had said it in a joking tone, FM, but still... When he heard she gave me $100 he gave me a rather sour look about it.

I don't think he was trying to blame my cycle, as I don't really have one anymore; I'm on one of those insert things and I only get like a two or three day "mini-cycle". He did ask if that was happening a few days ago, because I kept saying I didn't feel that good and he kept trying to give me midol. I've tried and tried to tell him that I need his help, that something is wrong, that he's making me feel like hell after promising me when we first met that he'd never make me feel this way after feeling like shit for so long with my dad. (With my dad, it was blunt drunken screamings & insults and things thrown at me. I knew flat off he was abusing me. When he got cancer, he was told to stop drinking or he'd die. 14 years later and we actually get along.)

I'm not one for bolded type but I feel very passionately about the following paragraph. At the risk of patronising you terribly...

The fact that your husband has not yet been as abusive as your father is not cause for celebration. You have clearly suffered such extreme abuse at your dad's hands that your husband is a saint by comparison. It's terribly sad that you've been through all that but even worse, you seem to have lost your perspective regarding how good men are supposed to function as husbands and fathers. Just because he's not screaming or throwing things, doesn't mean he's affecting you any less than your father did. The tragedy is that because you father was so awful you view your husband's treatment of you as comparatively minor. It isn't.

His treatment of his son is inexcusable and should be untenable.

I don't know many women who would consistently put up with the crap you're dealing with. I certainly don't know many women who could listen to their son sobbing about the latest disappointment and not take drastic action about that. I'm not saying that you're failing as a mother or anything but your serious-shit-O-meter seems to be off balance. On paper your man reads like a sociopath or something.

He's not concerned when you fall down the stairs pregnant.
He failed to do anything useful when you were in hospital.
He's immune not only to your tears and emotional anguish, but his own young son's.
He has unrealistic, chauvinist and archaic relationship ideals that you've never shown any sign of wanting to complement. He's showing no sign of being realistic about what kind of couple you two should be.

What you have to recognise is that you are not the problem here, therefore no matter how hard you try you cannot single-handedly be the solution. You can't make him see things from your perspective and he's obviously complacent enough to think that you'd never leave.

It may be that the only wake up call he'll actually stop and take notice of is you packing your bags. Given that he's been raised a little chauvinist by some devoted doormat of a mother, you certainly have your work cut out. Is it worth telling his mother what kind of man her son has become, a man who neglects his wife and kids and then fails to care or feel guilty enough not to do it again? Sometimes the only thing that will bring a man like that to his knees is a scathing diatribe from the only woman on planet Earth who he respects. If not his mother, is there someone else who would speak on your behalf, someone he's likely to listen too?

I'd strongly suggest a break. Can you and the kids stay with family or friends for a while? You will do better in therapy if you have the space to sit down and ask yourself the tough questions about your marriage and your future. Keeping a family together isn't always the best thing.

But ultimately, if he won't ever acknowledge what he's put you through or make any effort to improve, as a father if not a spouse, you owe it to yourself and your children to kick him to the kerb, learn, grow and do better for yourself the next time.

We have our good days (for the most part), and then the days where I can't even be around him because of how much he hurt me. Today's an okay day. He wants to go out together tonight and made plans for his parents to watch the kids, said that I needed a day out.

So you have the days when you suppress your feelings successfully and the days when you can't. That's no happily ever after sweetheart.

I know he's trying to be nice with this, but I sometimes feel like the dog being taken to the park. Oh boy! I got to go outside! I got to go in the car! But I may run away, so you better bring me home soon...


But you're exactly right FM. In fact, when we first bought our first place, there was a lag time between paperwork and move in, so we lived with his folks for about a month; the upper floor was ours, and I told mom I wanted to at least handle as much as I could of our own stuff. We were simply staying there for a bit, not moving back in- but she took right over. She made the bed every day, she started taking our laundry (that bothered the hell out of me. She yelled at me for going to the laundromat and then for trying to use her washer instead.) When I mentioned to him that she was doing all this, he just shrugged and said that's just what mom does.

Now I realize he meant this as a generalization of "mom", not just his own. He wants me to be "mom". A second version of his mom. She's a nice woman and all, but she's, well, a bit OC on everything. She's been a housewife since before he was born. I do not fit well in the stay-at-home-mom label. I do not feel right living off someone else's money and not working for myself. He said he wants to be the picture of the "old school dad". So he wants me to be the old school mom? I can't do that!

I don't mind that he wanted to bachelor it a bit while I was in the hospital. Our lives were about to become even more hectic, so a day to himself seemed a good idea. But that he promised our boy special time too and then broke that... it hurt. Terribly. And it hurt the boy too. I'm still very angry at him for that. He makes lots of promises to both our son and myself, and rarely ever keeps them (the car, for example... or this big train thing a few months back for the boy). I've gotten used to it. I take his promises lightly. But my son... He takes Daddy's word as gold. To have that broken leaves him sobbing. He finally said something to his dad last week that just broke my heart. "You don't love me, daddy." I started crying, but Mr didn't. "He doesn't know what he's saying, he's just mad because I won't let him have what he wants."


I'm doing okay with baby.
She and big bro are pretty much the big parts of not letting my 'bad thoughts' control my head. My stress level is rather insane right now (which is another thing he blames for me thinking he's being mean... hence his new attempts at trying to be nicer, but he wanders back to his old ways by the end of the night).

I had another talk with him on the counselor today, that the dreams are getting worse and I've been avoiding sleep because of them. He said if I felt I need it then do it- He forgot his work medical credit card would cover stuff like that. I feel a bit better knowing we can afford it, but still have that horrible pit in my stomach on actually going.

I'm just scared. Insanely scared. I don't know why... but I am.

Thanks for letting me talk to you guys on all this. Even having this up scares me, but more on the idea of him seeing. I honestly don't know what he'd say about it, but I just had to talk to someone. The semi-anonymity of the boards helped. I'm honestly not trying to do a "boohoo pity me and my shitty relationship" thing. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do... if I'm overthinking, overanalyzing...

I know that I'm not without faults myself. I could be doing better on keeping things up since I'm still unemployed, but its hard when both kids are insanely clingy all day. I'm trying to do the best I can. I know I'm not the perfect mother, but I'm trying so hard to keep my kids at least as happy as possible.


Sorry this was so long.
Sorry it was kind of a rant. Guess I had some stuff to get off.
I suppose it's helping me to focus on the things bothering me for that appointment.

Sometimes I really hate being right.

No matter who is paying the bill, your counsellor should maintain strict confidentiality. Nothing should be repeated to or discussed with your husband without your express consent. If you're still concerned about that, ask the counsellor about confidentiality when you first meet them.

Don't expect to achieve much the first few sessions. These meetings allow you to open the floodgates and give the counsellor the opportunity to get to know you and where you're coming from. You get to vent and ten years of marital strain may take quite some venting. It will be painful and draining and you may not want to stick with it but I strongly advise you to try.

Hugs to you.

 

[coastal-boy]

One of the most important lessons in life is learning how to listen to that small voice that knows what is best for yourself. That voice has to compete with so many other voices...but it is never wrong. Find that voice...listen to it...and never doubt it. It knows what you need. Therefore, you know what you need. Funny how we always have the answers to our questions. Sometimes, we simply need someone to ask the right questions for us to see that we always had the answer.

When someone fears how another person would respond when talking about something like this, well...it tells me everything I need to know and then some. I hope you can see that too.

 

[littlebabyclit]

One of the most important lessons in life is learning how to listen to that small voice that knows what is best for yourself. That voice has to compete with so many other voices...but it is never wrong. Find that voice...listen to it...and never doubt it. It knows what you need. Therefore, you know what you need. Funny how we always have the answers to our questions. Sometimes, we simply need someone to ask the right questions for us to see that we always had the answer.

When someone fears how another person would respond when talking about something like this, well...it tells me everything I need to know and then some. I hope you can see that too.

Really good advice, coastal-boy.

 

[cryforme1v]

Ok yeah i agree with almost all of the posts here - BUT GO BACK AND EDIT YOUR DAMN REPLIES AND GET RID OF THE QUOTES!
she asked you guys several times not to quote her and you still do, completely ignoring her request. Show some respect as well when trying to help.

 

[Mephistophelily]

It's alright.
I was worried on him finding the thread, but anymore, I'm not sure I care if he does or not. I've got bigger worries.
A family member realized something was up without me saying a word.
They work for social services and talked with my mom; they wanted to know if she felt my kids were in danger. Mom swore that no, the kids were fine, but I'm still UNGODLY afraid they'll want to take my kids. My babies keep my mind from letting those thoughts take over. I know they need me. I know they love me. If I lose them, I'll lose it. I'm trying my best to keep them out of this, to not let them see me crying or anything... but I know they can tell something's up. Mommy's not happy that much anymore.
Now I'm a thousand times more worried.

 

[SweetErika]

It's alright.
I was worried on him finding the thread, but anymore, I'm not sure I care if he does or not. I've got bigger worries.
A family member realized something was up without me saying a word.
They work for social services and talked with my mom; they wanted to know if she felt my kids were in danger. Mom swore that no, the kids were fine, but I'm still UNGODLY afraid they'll want to take my kids. My babies keep my mind from letting those thoughts take over. I know they need me. I know they love me. If I lose them, I'll lose it. I'm trying my best to keep them out of this, to not let them see me crying or anything... but I know they can tell something's up. Mommy's not happy that much anymore.
Now I'm a thousand times more worried.

I'm going to say something you may not like very much, but please know it comes with the best of intentions from a place of great compassion. I do care about what happens to you and your little ones, even though we're relative strangers.

Please stop worrying about losing your kids and start worrying (more) about what's happening to your kids right now. You know they're being exposed to a terrible situation at best, and awful abuse at worst. You can't keep them out of this - they see how you're being treated and how it affects you every waking moment. They're soaking up the behavior of their parents, and it's going to affect how they treat others and/or how they allow themselves to be treated. Your kids are not fine, or at least they won't be this well off for very long if you continue to expose them to this environment and abuse.

So, hopefully this is your wakeup call and you can focus your fear on getting your kids (and yourself, of course) out of this awful situation. Instead of letting the state take them, you need to take them so you can give them the safe, loving, nurturing environment they desperately need and deserve. If you refuse to do that, perhaps it would be better if they lived somewhere else.

Summon every bit of strength and courage and make the move for all three of you. You can do it, and I know you love your kids enough to do it.

 

[spicyredhead]

Aside from the other things that are being said in this thread, one of the more disturbing issues I'm seeing here is that he said that "you're allowed to get a job," but there are restrictions on which type of job and the schedule you can have?

I can't believe this! Yes, you have children and you need to be home to take care of them, but if he's so jealous of your staying home with the kids, why would he put such restraints on your possible employment?

The answer is to take power away from you.

I wasn't working full-time for about a year and a half while I finished my degree and before I was able to land a full-time contract in my career/degree choice. My BF was incredibly supportive of me--emotionally and financially--while I worked sometimes 18-hour days to keep myself in the loop in my career choice. He was paying the house payment, utilities, buying groceries, etc., and he didn't put any limits on what I could do in order to begin making money. If he had, I'd have moved in with my mother immediately--even if it meant I was sleeping on the couch until I was on my feet.

I have a friend who recently left an incredibly controlling significant other after she realized her 5-year old and 3-year old sons were beginning to talk to her the same way he was talking to her. Ten months later, she's in a wonderful place--she's advanced in her job, her kids are more respectful, she's lost weight that she put on during the sour relationship, and she's got wonderful self-esteem now.

Don't let this man ruin the remaining self-esteem you have.
Get help (or get out) as soon as you can.
Don't let your children grow up thinking this type of abuse is okay.

I say this with great compassion--not to make anyone feel bad.

 

[cryforme1v]

It's alright.
I was worried on him finding the thread, but anymore, I'm not sure I care if he does or not. I've got bigger worries.
A family member realized something was up without me saying a word.
They work for social services and talked with my mom; they wanted to know if she felt my kids were in danger. Mom swore that no, the kids were fine, but I'm still UNGODLY afraid they'll want to take my kids. My babies keep my mind from letting those thoughts take over. I know they need me. I know they love me. If I lose them, I'll lose it. I'm trying my best to keep them out of this, to not let them see me crying or anything... but I know they can tell something's up. Mommy's not happy that much anymore.
Now I'm a thousand times more worried.

Keep in mind - if they see the FATHER is unfit and/or abusive towards the kids - they will remove the children. But it wouldnt be because of you, unless you were unfit/abusive as well. You would still be able to get your kids, you would just have to leave the husband and get your own place. Yes it seems tuff, but i've done it. If i can do it - so can you. I'm probably the weakest person you'll ever meet, but when it comes to protecting my son, the devil himself wouldnt be able to stop me.