afairs with married men?

[Jezebelle1458]

if a husband would leave his wife for his mistress,then they get what they deserve.mistress gets a cheating man,wife gets rid of someone not worth keeping,and hopefully,husband gets nothing but an illusive dream. now,this is going to stir it up even more. a husband should put his wife first.that's what it is all about. hey!i dont want him! he's not first in my book,i am. thats why i keep boundries. got you wondering now,huh? well,keep wondering.

 

[SXCRgirl]

Here's my 0.05.

I've had an affair with a married man. Granted, he was in the middle of a separation/divorce when I met him. Was he still married? Yes. Nothing was final.

I didn't go *looking* for a married man. We met, the chemistry was there - more than I've had with anyone that I've been with. Did I go into it thinking it was safer? No. If nothing else, I lost a lot having that affair, just as I gained a few things from it as well.

Looking back, would I do it again knowing how it ended? Probably, yes. He and I had a connection and it's not everyday that you find that. We're still kind of friends and even today, I feel twinges of it. But I don't think that I could be with him even if his marriage ended today. I don't think I could trust him enough to be with him. You could say it was my fault. Yes, it probably was my fault. I wanted to believe all the promises, all the lies - but in his defense, I think he wanted to believe them too. He was just cowardly in wanting to start a life with the woman that he loves (supposedly me).

It ended because like sheath, I HATED knowing that he was going home to her. I absolutely detested the fact that he spent the holidays with her. I absolutely hated that our time had to be scheduled. It wasn't the way I wanted to live.

Regardless of how it ended and why it ended, I still feel sorry for his wife. Yes, he left me. Yes, I'm the one that had to pick up the pieces. I'm the one that had to be strong and get up the next day. She, on the other hand, lives in denial and will forever think that he was always faithful to her.

Anyway, I'm digressing.

 

[warrior queen]

I said my issue would be with my husband who was cheating on me not the woman he was with. She is not, in my opinion the problem as she did not make a committment to me.

Then you say the men who cheat are just as - if not more - responsible for any affiars that might be happening.....

I completely agree that it would be my husband is the one who would be responsible for his actions. I'm not sure what you thought I said.

it was your two statements -

First, if I find out my husband has had sex with you, my marriage is over. You haven't "taken" him from he. He left me.

first you lay the blame here....

You seem very up front with what you want and how you will get it. So don't kid yourself into thinking that by not wanting to take him from his wife and/or family you are not taking something that's not yours. You are.

...and then you lay it here.

which is it?

in my book, it's all 3 - husband, wife, lover.
all are at fault, or the scenario would not take place at all.
cheating is not just about one or the other - it involves all parties.

i know this because i have been on both sides - i have been cheated on, and i have been the cheater.
and i am currently emotionally involved with two men, my partner, and another man who is also married - each of whom provide me with different emotional fulfillment (i have yet to definitively decide what i'm going to do about my situation, but that's another story).

 

[Jezebelle1458]

here we go loop-de-loo.

 

[warrior queen]

if a husband would leave his wife for his mistress,then they get what they deserve.mistress gets a cheating man,wife gets rid of someone not worth keeping,and hopefully,husband gets nothing but an illusive dream. now,this is going to stir it up even more. a husband should put his wife first.that's what it is all about. hey!i dont want him! he's not first in my book,i am. thats why i keep boundries. got you wondering now,huh? well,keep wondering.

and what if a husband leaves his wife for his mistress because his mistress is the soul-mate he never thought he'd find?
what if a wife leaves her husband for her lover, because her lover is the one man who gives her fulfillment on all levels instead of just a few?

what if people make mistakes, and then leave?
what if two people meet, fall in love despite themselves, not wanting to hurt their respective others, but it happens anyway?

it's GREY people, not black and white.

 

[DirtyJJ]

I have a ? for the ladies, what are your thoughts on having an afair with a married man,would you ever have an afair with a married man and if not would there be anything that would make you concider an afair with a married man?

I strongly considered having an affair with a married man, but it did not happen for various reasons. As much as I wanted him, and still do, really... I am glad that it never happened. At the time, I tried to block out the fact that he had a wife. But now when I think of it I feel bad and would have had a hard time getting over the fact that I was involved in screwing her over, even if he was the one doing the cheating.

Truthfully though.... if you would have asked me this a year ago and if he were willing to do it - I probably would have. The desire was/is just too strong.
JJ


P.S. You asked about stories - my story "Behind Me" is a fantasy version about what might have happened....

 

[Jezebelle1458]

likei said ....round and round.there is no set answer.each person has their own thoughts and beliefs. yours are right for you,mine are right for me.

 

[Bandit58]

I've been with two married men. The first I fell in love with, and he with me. I was fresh out of a bad marriage myself, and he was like a breath of fresh air.....he taught me so much about sex, and I learned so much from him.......but we lived 5 hours drive apart and could only meet every few weeks, for a few days at a time.....and he always went home to Her at night......the amount of tears I cried over that man would fill buckets. He ended it after almost a year, set me free in a way, to begin anew with Gil, who had stayed in the background as a wonderful friend most of that time. I'm so in love and loved now

The second was someone I'd known since we were kids.....we were friends with benefits for 6 months.....no strings, just two people sharing their bodies and he got to express his kinks with me (he is bi and dresses in women's underwear occasionally). Kind of therapeutic in a way, cos I am bi too and we both lived in the same small rural area with no others to talk to. I do think of him when I watch Jerry Springer sometimes......

 

[shmily]

my $0.02
I don't think I could. There are two many lives involved that could get seriously screwed up.
In an open relationship - you are talking about it and all agree so there is no affair. its purely sex.
An affair is secret and you cant talk about it (especially in such a small town) to anyone, he is going home to her, can't spend holidays, cant spend nites. doesn't sound like fun.
Now years ago - I did have sex with a married man - but it was a one time thing. He wanted to experiment and his wife didn't but said he could. So he, another girl and I got together for one time.
Flirting is ok - it just adds spice.
s

 

[wildthang]

If they have an open relationship or the wife has basically made it one ( shes fuckin around with guys) or he wants to experiment, I dont see anything wrong with it. I have had a full on affair and I have to admit its not the best thing. The man I had an affair with was unhappily married for about 20 years, his daughter used to be my best friend and I was underage at the time, so the whole thing was really a bad idea ( that happend twice, different men) I think my age played heavily into it and made the situation worse but still its never a good thing to do.

Married men are great if its an ok situation and your not really hurting anyone unless there is dishonesty.

 

[pplwatching]

in my book, it's all 3 - husband, wife, lover.
all are at fault, or the scenario would not take place at all.
cheating is not just about one or the other - it involves all parties.

This thread has meandered around to the issue of the dynamics of marriages and affairs. This is not the first time we’ve disagreed on marriage and fidelity, so it won’t surprise you that I have something to say that’s contrary to your opinion. I respectfully submit that you are confusing responsibility for actively participating in maintaining a healthy marriage with taking responsibility for one's own actions in an affair. They are not the same thing.

First, a husband and wife are responsible for the success or failure of a marriage. They both share the responsibility to do what's in the best interests of the marriage. Sadly, we aren’t born knowing how to build strong relationships. The grey in the middle of the black and white is that sometimes people emotionally exhaust themselves struggling with symptoms of problems in the marriage, and don’t know how to go about taking care of the things that are really the roots of the problems. Sometimes one spouse or the other doesn’t want to work on the marriage, leaving the other to struggle with the hard choice of breaking up the marriage or living with half of their soul in purgatory. I don't envy a person in that position, but taking responsibility for a failed marriage is an exercise in reflecting on the marriage and on one’s own goals, personality, needs, and even interpersonal skills. As long as the commitment remains then both people owe the other their best effort.

The responsibility for an affair is a different matter. People rationalize why affairs happen. I personally don’t care for the assertion that those who have been on either side of an affair are somehow better equipped to be more impartial than anyone else. If anything they are less so. The spouse who has been cheated on often accepts the blame as an act of contrition for what they see as their own fault in the failure of the marriage. That’s not only wrong, it’s unfair and undeserved. It’s one thing to accept responsibility for the marriage, it’s another thing entirely to take the blame for the willful act of an unfaithful spouse. On the other side the spouse who has had an affair either wants vindication for having the affair or absolution for the guilt brought on by the affair and the pain they have caused someone that they most likely still care for. A Lover, assuming this isn’t just lack of respect for, or commitment to the other spouse, is an artifact of one spouse's emotional exhaustion. A fundamental problem with affairs is that the lover has no vested interest in the health of the marriage. A lover may be a tempting balm for the soul, but it is still the spouse’s responsibility not to divert their attention and emotional energy away from their marriage and into the affair. Infidelity is a not choice made by the partner who stays within the marriage bed. It is a choice made by the person breaking the trust in the marriage. It doesn't matter which way you spin it; actively seeking an affair or not taking steps to get out of an affairs way, the responsibility is clearly in the spouse who chooses to seek comfort outside of the marriage.

What if a wife leaves her husband for her lover, because her lover is the one man who gives her fulfillment on all levels instead of just a few?

This has a lot of different aspects. There are a lot of things to consider, such as what’s her emotional investment in the marriage? Is she focusing so much on what she believes the lover can give her that she is blinding herself to the remaining value in her marriage? Is she willing to put some serious effort into building that level of emotional warmth with her current husband? Does she value herself enough to understand the value of the marriage versus the value of the lover? Does she value herself enough to understand that it's not what her lover brings to her, but what she can bring to her lover or her husband that is pure gold? Will she resent her husband for not being the man her lover is? Is her husband receptive to working through the issue with her? Are they both stubborn enough to work it out, yet practical enough to know when it’s time to fish or cut bait? I won’t offer unsolicited words of advice, but assuming this isn’t purely hypothetical I’ve read your other posts, and I understand how complex your situation is. If you want my advice, feel free to drop me a line.

Warm Regards,

 

[SensualMale]

Ahh, memories of last night...

Just kidding, I wish... Where were we?

Oh yes, married men. I, being married, would rather have a married man. He has just as much to lose as I do, so he tends to be more cautious. He doesn't call me all the time and continually blow smoke up my ass. All he wants to do is fuck, which is what I want to do, and, Hey, isn't that what it's all about?

Yep

 

[warrior queen]

as always, you make a lot of sense, and your response is well structured and insightful.

however, i do really believe that all parties involved share some of the responsibility for a situation arising that ends in an affair.

it takes two people using equal effort to make a successful marriage, and it takes two people (through either action or inaction, attentiveness or inattention, love, respect and understanding or a lack of these) to fuck it up.

you cannot ever blame one person within a relationship if that union fails - it's always a combination of factors that both contribute to.

likewise, you cannot totally blame the lover for the affair, because without the intent of the cheater, he/she wouldn't be a factor at all.

 

[Blackbich]

My last partner was married, for 20+ years. I wrestled with the decision for months on whether to get involved with him or not. It was kinda weird because any married man who had wanted something on the side before got cussed out but it was different with him, for some reason. I finally gave in. It started as strictly sex and evolved into a lot more. I now live halfway across the US so it ended but we are still friends. I still wrestle with the morality of it but what I've gained from him greatly outweighs the negativity, in my case.

It was hard. During the evolution of our relationship, it got hard for me to watch him leave. It wasn't that I knew he was going home to her, it was that I wanted him with me (if that makes sense). When he'd talk to me about the most recent time she had hit him or had yelled at him or belittled him, it made it harder because I couldn't understand what would make a person WANT to go back to that. What made it easier for me? I had watched my mother go through the exact same thing. He claims he's only there for the kids and that he'll be gone in X number of years. I think that, like my mom, there's a very good chance he'll stay because he's envisioning the grass being dead on the other side. Doesn't make it right but there you go.

Don't go into a relationship with a married man thinking he's going to leave his wife for you. In fact, I would say think long and hard on getting into anything with a married man. And if you're going to get into it anyway, know that the longer you're involved, the more your emotions will get involved whether you want them to or not.

Be safe...

 

[cecelia]

This is a complex thread.

I guess my views stem from being the child whose father had the affair. In this particular case, the woman he cheated with (also married with five children) was manipulative, possesive and cruel. She wanted him all to herself and was willing to sacrifice her own children (two of them very young) and me to do this. My father was flattered by this attention and was proud and happy with the fact that he had two women who wanted him - the 'wild' woman who fed his fantasies and the 'wife', who gave him an aura of respect and responsibility. He didn't want my mother to change. He just wanted the best of both worlds.

We lived in a small town so everyone knew about this, especially since my father did nothing to hide it. I think the whole situation fed his sense of virility and 'studliness'. I watched my mother become physically ill because she didn't know what to do. She didn't understand what she had done 'wrong' and he kept telling her she was perfect. She finally left him - something he could never understand.

As much as I dislike the 'other woman' for the person she is, I don't blame her for what happened. My father was the one who made the ultimate decisions which affected, not only his life, but the lives of nine other people. He eventually married this woman (he never told me, though).

I realize that sometimes affairs work out well and that often lives can actually be enhanced as a result - depending on how they're handled. This wasn't a case of 'don't ask, don't tell'. People were hurt and humilated on a daily basis. I just wish he'd had the balls to be honest. If he had come to my mother or to both of us and just said that he needed more, that he was unhappy or that he had fallen in love with someone else and had to leave - it would have been better. It would have still been very painful but I would have respected that. It was very hard for me to reconcile the fact that the man who had drilled me all my life on the concept of integrity, could be so dishonest.

I understand how and why affairs sometimes happen and know that they don't all play out the way this one did. I think that sometimes there are people who really need to have an affair for their own valid reasons. I just hope that people are careful and considerate enough to consider any possible ripple effects.

 

[Jezebelle1458]

i understand that there are men and woman who do the kind of things that many are mentioning.thats the problem.but,unfortunatly,there will always be people who manipulate others.that's what happened in my marriage.the other woman wanted what i had,well she got it.that is why i make it clear from the start what the rules are.yes,i have been hurt by my own rules...but,hey,i set them,i have to live by them too.

 

[Jezebelle1458]

BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF I GIVE UP MY INDEPENDENCE EVER AGAIN!

 

[crazybbwgirl]

BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF I GIVE UP MY INDEPENDENCE EVER AGAIN!

amen sister.

 

[overthebow]

in my book, it's all 3 - husband, wife, lover.
all are at fault, or the scenario would not take place at all.
cheating is not just about one or the other - it involves all parties.

This is a sweeping generalization and is false. All may be at fault, but it only takes two, the cheating spouse and the lover.

 

[sheath]

This is a sweeping generalization and is false. All may be at fault, but it only takes two, the cheating spouse and the lover.

I disagree. The cheating spouse had to have a REASON to want to stray in the first place.

And before you ask...I'm sure someone will, as this thread begins to heat up...I have not only been the other woman, but I have been cheated on numerous times by a former spouse. So, yes...I've seen both sides of that fence. And I know damn good and well, from both sides of that fence, that it takes all THREE to tango when it comes to an affair.

S.

 

[Jezebelle1458]

seems like a lot of us have been on the other side,sheath.

 

[overthebow]

I disagree. The cheating spouse had to have a REASON to want to stray in the first place.

They always have a REASON. It is false to assert that it is somehow the responsibility of the cheated on. The REASON could well be internal to the cheater and be beyond the reach of the cheated on to effect or treat.

And I know damn good and well, from both sides of that fence, that it takes all THREE to tango when it comes to an affair.

This is a blind assertion that is made without support of logic or fact.

 

[pplwatching]

[No message]

 

[overthebow]

My take on this can be divided into three main points. First, it takes a bad marriage for the conditions to be favorable for an affair. Second, it takes the presense of the 3rd for there to be the potential for an affair. Third, it takes a conscious act of an unfaithful spouse for there to actually be an affair. Both marriage partners share the responsibility for the first two. IMHO, this is where most people focus when talking about how and why an affair happened. Understanding how and why is important for healing and growth, both personally and in the marriage if it is to survive the infidelity.

Both marriage partners can share responsibility, but it is possible for just one of them to establish the conditions of a bad marriage and cause the presence of the interloper, e.g., work place. One person can poison the relationship because of the baggage they bring to the marriage, e.g., substance abuse.

 

[warrior queen]

Both marriage partners can share responsibility, but it is possible for just one of them to establish the conditions of a bad marriage and cause the presence of the interloper, e.g., work place. One person can poison the relationship because of the baggage they bring to the marriage, e.g., substance abuse.

often, the root cause of an affair is lack of communication within the marriage, and yes, it does take something as simple as that!

one person CAN poison the relationship through baggage.... but don't you think the other person within that relationship should be aware of the baggage and any potential problems it may cause when entering into a marriage?
and how do they become aware - through communication.
it's not good enough to say afterwards "oh, but he/she had a problem when i married him/her, so it's not my fault!"

ignorance does not equal blamelessness.