afairs with married men?

[Mrs Peel]

Of my 4, 3 ended well. No pain between myself and my lover(s) (we remain friends), their wives and children never knew a thing.

Fourth was difficult for me, because I wanted more than he could give. While there was some pain between the two of us, his wife and child never knew. We're still friends, but it's difficult; I think I'll always love him.

Oh, it seems worth mentioning that the ones that ended well were fairly short lived and involved genital to genital sexual contact.

The one that didn't end well was with someone I'd known for years, our "relationship" went off and on for years (mostly with me resisting), and there was only one instance of genital to genital sex - very early on.

My definition of "affair" seems different than that of others here. The good three: A was essentially a one night stand, in B we had sex twice, in C two or maybe three times. Perhaps that's not sufficiently involved for some of you to count. My argument is that their wives wouldn't have agreed.

D, well, D takes place of a long number of years. There was a lot of trying to stay apart, a lot of holding each other, some serious kissing, and very occasionally oral sex. All of this was on a sliding scale corresponding with just how much resolve I had, at any particular moment, to say no. There was a long period of time where we did nothing but have dinner and go to the movies, perhaps hug goodnight, and go home.

Because there was basically no fucking involved, some of you might not think this was an affair. Again, I think his wife would disagree.

 

[sheath]

Has an affair ever ended well? Or are people who indulge in affairs just glutons for pain? (And is "indulge" an accurate term, in your opinion? It is, in mine.)

The only one that ended badly was the one that began with lies in the first place...he didn't tell me he was married. He had no business even considering fooling around when he couldn't even be honest with himself. That one is a time bomb waiting to blow, and I am so glad it's over.

That said...the ones that ended well...ended VERY well. We are still friends, and whether or not they left their wives, they are on amicable terms. I think it is a matter of honesty within the affair (which seem strange, I know, considering that honesty certainly wasn't happening between the husband and wife). If he was completely open with me, I was completely open with him, we were able to forge the kind of relationship that meant we could help each other when it was over...even if that meant helping him to rebuild that marriage.

I admit it might sound like an odd situation, that something so deceitful can end up as something so wonderful...but it can.

S.

 

[sheath]

Because there was basically no fucking involved, some of you might not think this was an affair. Again, I think his wife would disagree.

It fits my definition of an affair. The heart was involved, which makes it much more of an intense affair than one that just involves fucking to a release.

S.

 

[Spenser41]

Ok from someone who did it and paid for it.

We have kicked this thing around for awhile. And here are my thoughts.

If you are going to have an affiar, you better also plan to have a divorce. Just in case. Because in most cases if you are found out, you will end up in divorce. And you need to sit down and figure out the cost of the affiar. This is not about you and her or you and he getting together to get your needs meet. But this is about if found out, this is going to tear the other person up, and it will hurt the kids no matter how old.

You all know what I did. You all know the past. But it also hurt her and it hurt the kids. When you are hurting and needing to be wanted and love and the other person is not doing it nor will, it is better to divorce and move on then to cheat.

The pain I did to everyone was not worth it. No sex not matter how hot or how great was worth the pain in my kids eyes and hearts. I have since repaired all of those relationships and it has been a few years but it has taken a lot of work.

So for those of you who are thinking about doing it or are doing it, you better prepare to find out the cost on a lawyer, the cost of a place to live and the cost of raising your kids alone if there are kids. And will your current job support you? If not better start looking for a new one that will.

In my book there are only two ways to go... fix the marriage and if that doesn't work, get a divorce. Or work on the open marriage if that will work for you. Some say it has and some have that don't ask dont' tell and if that works for you go for it.

But if you are having an affair you better think about the cost of this affair in the long run. Because it is not how he or she makes you feel but what do you tell your child that you meet someone else and are leaving their mom or dad. That kid will hate you for it. Unless of course there is abuse and they want to get out of that marriage anyway.

And for those of you that are having an affair with the same sex person or into very kinky things - divorces are dirty and it is all about causing hurt and revenge. They will say that you are an unfit parent and if the courts think that what you are doing is not normal ( like same sex or BSDM) they will not allow you to see your kids. I am telling you if you have never been through a divorce, it gets very ugly and if you don't think it can happen to you.... well you are a fool and fools never plan for the worst and when it happens.. they say... what the heck just happened.

So take it from me... I have been there, I have seen what happens and I know what I did was not good and even tho some have written to me and said they think I am kind and sweet and all.. thanks but it was not worth the look of pain in my kids faces.

Thank God I was able to save those relationships and they also know what she did to me had a lot to do with what I did... but if I had to do it all over again... I would divorce and then do what I want.

This is also not posted in judgement on anyone. I am not pointing a finger at the women who are with married men. I am not pointing a finger a women or men in affairs. I am just saying if you are or thinking about it. COUNT THE COST!

 

[Mrs Peel]

Spenser41, I agree that if you're married and having an affair, you'd better be prepared for a divorce. While I've seen several marriages survive affairs, it's not an outcome I'd count on; and you can never be sure that your little secret won't be discovered.

Further, I also agree that if you're unhappily married, it's better to get the divorce first and play around later. It's cleaner and less painful for everyone involved.

I've never been married, so I can't speak about what I'd do if I had been.

As the "other woman," at some level I thought the married men I was with were lying, cheating bastards. If they'd gotten a divorce, I probably wouldn't have wanted them, as I'd have expected they'd cheat on me, too.

The long-term quasi-sexual affair I had, well, he was CLEARLY in a doomed marriage. In his case, I was quite torn between understanding and respecting him for trying to keep his family together, and thinking him a spineless wimp for not simply ending it.

One of the many reasons I resisted a deeper involvement with him was that I didn't want to be the reason his marriage ended. If it was going to die, I wanted it to die of its own weight. I cannot count the times I told him to stop fucking around with me and to work on his marriage instead. The pain in his daughter's eyes wasn't something I wanted on my conscience either.

Anyway, the point of this ramble is simply that I don't disagree with you.

 

[rider81]

My ex wife had two brief affairs in the last six months of our 8 year marriage, one with a man who was also married. The betrayal goes beyond the physical act, she was AWOL mentally and emotionally from our home and life during that period. The lying and deceit to pull off an affair seems like a lot of work.

One should be prepared for divorce if they make the decision to go down that path. There were several reasons why I filed for divorce beyond her curious behavior. At the time I knew in my gut what she was doing, but had not really admitted it to myself. After the divorce a couple of people filled me in on the some of the details. I cut them off after the basics, as by that time it didn't matter. During the divorce proceedings she was adamant that she did not have any such affairs, and it seemed she certainly was not prepared for the divorce that followed, which seemed foolish to me.

 

[overthebow]

My ex wife had two brief affairs in the last six months of our 8 year marriage, one with a man who was also married.

This is a classic pattern, according to Constance Ahrons in "The Good Divorce". One person wants out but doesn't want to take responsibility for what they want, so they make the marriage hell for the other person by withdrawing, starting affairs, etc.

Sorry, man, hang in there.

 

[rider81]

Don't be sorry. I was pretty aggressive about counseling, went to a female counselor and tasked her with restoring my faith in women. She did a great job, and two years later things are very good. Have a bright, very sexy woman in my life whose company I thoroughly enjoy both in and out of the bedroom. I made it through the tunnel, and things have worked out very well.

 

[doncarlos]

Sometimes for a married man an outside affair is both the most moral choice and the only responsible one.

I have been married to the same woman for more than 35 years and for more than 30 of those years I was a faithful husband in a marriage that was great in all respects.

Unfortunately a few years ago my wife developed medical conditions that preclude any real sexual activity - essentially for ever. Still having a very strong sex drive I knew that I could not live the rest of my life without sex and intimacy with a woman. I still loved (and love) my wife and it was not fair to discard her for reasons that were not of her making. Also you cannot just kiss goodbye to so many wonderful years by walking out.

Many men in my situation would have institutionalized their wife and/or walked out under some pretext and started over. I decided (i) to stay for the duration with my wife and support her in any way possible and (ii) find a complimentary relationship on the outside.

This solution was implemented and after some initial missteps I have been in a great permanent relationship with an unmarrried woman for the last two years. She is fully aware of the a/m reasoning, which she fully accepts. She also feels that what I am giving her is everything she needs.

I sense my wife knows that I have an outside relationship, but we have not openly talked about it. However when talking about other peoples problems and how they deal with them, it seems that we both accept and understand the current arrangment to be the best one for all the parties concerned.

 

[FastFastr]

I'm currently seeing a married man.

... "My current man had been married less than a month when he met me...."

Meaning no disrespect to you, Amaterasu, in my opinion, anyone who plays less then a MONTH after getting married should have never walked down the isle unless it was an agreed-to open marriage.

Any other opinions in this?

 

[living2serve]

Originally posted by Jezebelle1458
nope,nope..not going to tell. go ahead,twist my arm,pull my hair,throw me down and sit on me,put hot wax on my tits,ram your hard cock up my ass,......oh..sorry,got carried away.

LMAO!!
Well, we all know what you use a married man for. Shame on you!!
Yes, I have been in this club and most of the things sheath said about why it is a dangerous game are true. As far as leaving your heart out of it, easier said than done. How many of us ahve siad, I'm NOT gonna fall for this guy, or, this is for fun only, or something to that extent. We're women, sometimes we just enjoy the ride, and sometimes we fall HARD. All I can say, is be careful, and try to guard your heart.

 

[Noor]

LMAO!!
Well, we all know what you use a married man for. Shame on you!!
Yes, I have been in this club and most of the things sheath said about why it is a dangerous game are true. As far as leaving your heart out of it, easier said than done. How many of us ahve siad, I'm NOT gonna fall for this guy, or, this is for fun only, or something to that extent. We're women, sometimes we just enjoy the ride, and sometimes we fall HARD. All I can say, is be careful, and try to guard your heart.

I would like to point out that married men also can fall just as hard or harder.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Sometimes for a married man an outside affair is both the most moral choice and the only responsible one.......
II sense my wife knows that I have an outside relationship, but we have not openly talked about it. However when talking about other peoples problems and how they deal with them, it seems that we both accept and understand the current arrangment to be the best one for all the parties concerned.

Very eloquently put. I know exactly what you're going thru.

 

[Missingmeds]

Doncarlos, I applaud the way that you have handled this.

I also understand exactly where you are coming from with the not leaving. I happen to agree with crazybbwgirl on what she said as well.

 

[living2serve]

Originally posted by Noor
I would like to point out that married men also can fall just as hard or harder. [/QUOTE

Point well taken, it wasn't my intention to say men don't have feelings in these situaitons, just that I never hear the mens side of the story. Do men ever say, "I'm not gonna fall for this girl". or "I'm not gonna let myself get hurt, I'm just in it for the ride" perticularly in cases where one, or both of you, are married? What are your stories men?

 

[boot lover]

Well, this is weird.I have posted before under a differant name.This thread has hit home for me.
My wife just left me 3 months ago.She was cheating on me for months before that.Why?? I'm still not really sure.We were together for 10 years,married for 6 of those.She had 2 kids from a marrage before,2 kids which I have raised as my own for 10 years.
We were having problems for awhile but nothing that I'd concider to be unsolveable if we both wanted to make it work.Then one day its " I want a separation".......3 days later I find out out "him".......10 days later shes moved out wit hthe kids into a rented house with him.......a new truck.......matching tattoos.This has absolutley devastated me.After 10 years together and from my point of view it ended within 2 weeks.
Now that it's been 3 months I realize that I'm so much better off without her,If thats what she's capabile of ---fuck her !! Her family and freinds have turned thier backs on her for leaving me.I never cheated,abused her or the kids,steadly worked,house and vehicle.I was home everynight ( she works nights--guess where he works?? ).Sex life??? It would have made alot of you jellous.A big box of toys and costumes and imagination.

So you would have an affair with a married woman/man???
Fuck you.

 

[Missingmeds]

boot lover, you said that she was having the affair for months, in my honest point of view, that is when the marriage ended, not in the 2 weeks that you say it did.

Also with you being at home night and her working nights, there were bound to be some issues as to time to enjoy each other especially with kids around.

You also say that the two of you had problems but nothing that couldn't be "solved if the two of you worked on them". Did you work on them as a couple?

You say alot of the same things that I hear from the ones that are doing the cheating on a spouse.

 

[Jezebelle1458]

i commend you,doncarlos,for seeing that you have a lifelong freind in your wife. this is what i meant by having rules and a thorough understanding between the spouse and the "other person".you take care of what needs to be taken care of...then go home to your wife.there will always be people with double standards(yes,even on this lit site)who will try to chastise me for having an affair with a married man,but will commend you for what you are doing.i've been bucking them all my life,and will continue to do so. once again,doncarlos, thank you for keeping your wife where she belongs....#1.

 

[jacuzzigal]

re: ok

Wow, Spenser, thanks for sharing your story. It certainly shows that not all affairs come from a place of selfishness or self-centeredness. I really appreciate it.

This issue is so complex... I think many people feel like it's very black and white, and others feel anything goes. I think it's a personal decision between consenting adults. And that has to be the position most of us take.

 

[boot lover]

Missingmeds,
You are right,the marriage did end when she started the affair,but as I said,from my point of view it came crashing down in a span of a few weeks.Hell,the week before she told me she was leaving,she had invited me out with her and the"girls" one night after she got off work.I couldnt cause I had to work early in the morning-as I always have.We even built a retaining wall in the back yard for a flower bed.I thought that maybe we were making progress.
Yes,us working opposite times made for a sore spot.I asked her to change shifts,she didn't want to-would interfere with her day time activitys.She didn't like the way I handled the kids ( for lack of a better term,I'm tired right now) and of course money issues.Oh by the way,I paid for almost everything in the household.Her paycheck was bascily her's to do with as she wanted.I wanted her to have as much freedom as I could.I now see thatwas a mistake.
I am not saying that I was totaly inocent in this,I should have worked on the relationship harder too.I can and have accepted the fact that people do grow apart and do divorce.But that does NOT give them the right to cheat and lie on thier spouse.My marriage is over.I trusted her completely right up untill that day.I am pissed at the fact she cheated and lied while I was home raising "her" kids all the while she's giving me shit for it and fucking him.

End of my rant.

 

[RestrainedRage]

i commend you,doncarlos,for seeing that you have a lifelong freind in your wife. this is what i meant by having rules and a thorough understanding between the spouse and the "other person".you take care of what needs to be taken care of...then go home to your wife.there will always be people with double standards(yes,even on this lit site)who will try to chastise me for having an affair with a married man,but will commend you for what you are doing. i've been bucking them all my life,and will continue to do so. once again,doncarlos, thank you for keeping your wife where she belongs....#1.

Jezebelle, what does it take to get a bucking?

RR

 

[Jezebelle1458]

RR-depends on what kind of bucking your talking about.might i suggest a hunting license and a loaded,ahem,gun.

 

[RestrainedRage]

RR-depends on what kind of bucking your talking about.might i suggest a hunting license and a loaded,ahem,gun.

Well, the gun is loaded and, ahem, cocked. Just looking for game.

RR

 

[Noor]

Well, the gun is loaded and, ahem, cocked. Just looking for game.

RR

what kind of game are you looking for?

and are you a married man?

 

[Missingmeds]

Better question is where are you looking for game? The Mid Atlantic covers alot of territory you know.