afairs with married men?

[Spenser41]

I do not believe that there is a marriage out there that is perfect.
I think it takes work. But when in the marriage there is no respect or little respect of the other party, then the marriage is doomed to fail.

When all you do it fight or put each other down, or can not say a kind word or always finding fault... get out of it before you really start to hate the person you are with.

If you don't... you will really dispise them and loath them and it is better to part now and move on then to get to that kind of level.

On the other hand (oh oh... picking up crazy's ways) if your needs are not being meet - for one... your husband or wife can not possibly meet all of your needs. They are not GOD. They are an imperfect person and you have to take care of some of those needs yourself. As Crazy said.. you have to learn about you. You have to find out what makes you tick. Why do you need this or that? What make you hunger for that? Until you KNOW yourself and why you think and act and feel they way you do, only then can you know what it is that you need. Then share it with that person. If they can not meet that need then find a way to meet it but do not think less of that person or belittle that person or tear down that person for not meeting it.
Better to divorce then to dispise.

 

[Spenser41]

I have seen her posting on the BDSM board and believe she is submissive and wants him (or someone) to Dom her (correct me if I'm wrong tythisredheadup).

Some men don't like hurting women, even if the woman herself wants them to.....and often the sub needs things to be taken further (i.e. bruises/welts/drawing blood) than the man is comfortable with. I know my Master has broken things off with a sub because she needed to be hurt more than he was willing to do.......

I agree with you and she has told me this was so.
How a person is raised is also an issue. If a woman wants to be a sub by a dom that is one thing. However (I am not in this lifestyle and I know some that are and this is what I have heard) There is a difference between the D/s and the S/m stuff.
When it comes to pain and hurting a partner because the pain brings them pleasure and you have a passive partner... and they will not do what you ask because to them it is abuse, then it is better to get a divorce. Because if she is the strong one, and he is the passive one, she will just loath him for not being the man she wants and needs. This D/s S/m is a lifestyle and not just something that is just a sexual thing - something that just turns you on now and then. This is something that comsumes you. Almost every woman that I know that is into this tells me it is a way of life. A woman that I dated who was a CEO over a huge company - she was a very strong willed woman and in control of her life. When she came home, she wanted to be controlled. She wanted a MAN to take care and make her submit to him and be her Lord. She said that was a huge urge for her. She also needed a MAN to be forcefull with her. Someone to give her pain. Now I could do the smacks on the tush and twist the nipples and she wanted the welts and brusies and the PAIN and that I could not do. And the relationship ended. She thought she could live without it, but she could not. She got to where she started finding fault and putting me down and she lost respect for me because I was not MAN enough for her. So of course it ended. She has since told me she has never had a man love her like I did or respect her like I did or be romantic like I did. But she said as much as she liked that... she needed the other more.
This is not a sexual thing but like I said a lifestyle and if you are not married to someone who can be your Dom/ or Sub... better get out now before the real hating and fighting begins.

 

[Missingmeds]

I so agree with you Spencer on the D/s and the S/m thing. It is also the same when two people's sex drives aren't closely matched. I continue to say that they need to end it and move on to someone more closely matched to them in needs and desires.

But there are many out there that won't leave for a variety of reasons. Illness of a spouse, children, and the list goes on. But those two seem to be the most common. Instead they stay in sexless marriages and find an outside the marriage release.

I have friends that are married, and in the marriage one or the other loses their sex drive for different reasons. They will tell the spouse to look elsewhere for that release, but they don't want to know anything about it when the spouse does.

So does that constitute cheating?

 

[tigerjen]

I've been involved w/ two .....at diff. points in my life.

My first was when I had just turned 25 years of age,
and he was in his late 40s at the time. Thankfully the
"Mrs." never found out----but w/ his work circumstances
we haven't seen each other in a very long time--these
days we get together for dinner from time to time; I
consider him to be a good friend regardless of what
him and I have done in the past.

My second is current----he's in his late 30s, and actually
works at the same place as I do----I've known him since
I started working there back in '97--at the time he
was dating (his now current wife). Mind you right now
this is his *third* marriage, his current Mrs.' 4th! I
do not know her circumstances, but I do know that she
is very very possessive and jealous even if he talks to
a female friend! Sheesh! anyhow, only a few short
months ago him and I started to enjoy each other (why
did we have to wait so long?); we've always had this
chemistry happening---and we've been friends and co-
workers for so long........but when I'm with him its amazing.

I accept his situation, and we are both very discreet, which
is key. I try my best to keep my emotions in check because
one never knows what may happen.


tigerjen

 

[overthebow]

Mind you right now
this is his *third* marriage, his current Mrs.' 4th! I
do not know her circumstances, but I do know that she
is very very possessive and jealous even if he talks to
a female friend!

This is his third marriage, his wife's fourth marriage, and your second affair with a married man. Enough said.

 

[Spenser41]

I have friends that are married, and in the marriage one or the other loses their sex drive for different reasons. They will tell the spouse to look elsewhere for that release, but they don't want to know anything about it when the spouse does.

So does that constitute cheating?

I don't think it would since they gave their permission even tho it is a don't tell kind of thing. And to be honest, think it is kind of rare. I don't know too many partners that say... go have fun just don't tell me about it. That would be great if more marrages were like that if the other partner no longer desired or wanted sex.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I don't think it would since they gave their permission even tho it is a don't tell kind of thing. And to be honest, think it is kind of rare. I don't know too many partners that say... go have fun just don't tell me about it. That would be great if more marrages were like that if the other partner no longer desired or wanted sex.

hmmm, seems like I know of plenty of marriages that work on that 'don't ask/don't tell' kind of basis.

 

[Missingmeds]

hmmm, seems like I know of plenty of marriages that work on that 'don't ask/don't tell' kind of basis.

That makes two of us crazybbwgirl. Most of the time it is the woman for whatever reason that loses all interest in sex. But doesn't want to see a doctor for it. Various women, different types of jobs, age variety. Doesn't seem to be a pattern to the women who are not having sex with their husbands as far as I can tell.

But yet they don't want an open marriage. They would rather that he have discreet affairs and get things taken care of that way.

 

[Spenser41]

Mmmm

Maybe it is an OHIO thing since you both are from there!

Or a northern thing. Since I am from the south and lived there most of my life... then that could be it. Redneck women are more jealous.

 

[cecelia]

I'm from the south, too and I think it's not so much jealousy as an 'ownership' and 'pride' sort of thing. I've seen cases where the reaction to an affair is not so much envy or even hurt, but rather, pure and simple embarrassment at the thought of others thinking that 'she can't satisfy her man' (whether this is true or not, lol). I know of two cases one man and one woman) where the unhappy spouses were told, "If you're going to do it, at least do it over the county line..."
The ownerhip attitude comes across from another common reaction: "Hey, bitch (or son-of-a-bitch, as the case may be)! He's MY man, so stop waving your ass in his face!"
It's often a territorial thing - at least from what I've seen.

 

[Spenser41]

I'm from the south, too and I think it's not so much jealousy as an 'ownership' and 'pride' sort of thing. I've seen cases where the reaction to an affair is not so much envy or even hurt, but rather, pure and simple embarrassment at the thought of others thinking that 'she can't satisfy her man' (whether this is true or not, lol). I know of two cases one man and one woman) where the unhappy spouses were told, "If you're going to do it, at least do it over the county line..."
The ownerhip attitude comes across from another common reaction: "Hey, bitch (or son-of-a-bitch, as the case may be)! He's MY man, so stop waving your ass in his face!"
It's often a territorial thing - at least from what I've seen.

Yep what she said. So So true. And my ex would have never had been for that. I guess since I am older, people are more open to it now adays.

 

[Missingmeds]

Re: Mmmm

Maybe it is an OHIO thing since you both are from there!

Or a northern thing. Since I am from the south and lived there most of my life... then that could be it. Redneck women are more jealous.

I am from down south too, Spencer, and down there it is as common as it is here. The only difference is the there is the "Don't want to know about " attitude.

 

[Spenser41]

Gee I guess I did it all wrong... lol

 

[ReadyOne]

Any French out there?

Is the reputed easy attitude of "a man has his mistress and his wife her lover" common? How is it handled?

For example. previous posters have mentioned jealousy, territorialness, macho/saving face, don't and-don't tell...

What's the French attitude and practice?

 

[Jezebelle1458]

i have lived in the south,and north,and west,now the midwest.come on...men are about the same everywhere.known men from england,ireland,russia,india,and even a few(we wont say how many)from u.s.a. most of them have come on to me,not the other way around.i don't have to shake my ass at them. plain and simple,if the need is there,they are going to look to fulfill that need.

 

[cecelia]

"i don't have to shake my ass at them."

Oh, I agree! I'm just saying that some women will use this argument as a defense or 'face-saving' technique. They justify their spouse's interest in another woman by rationalizing that 'their man' (being male and therefore unable to control himself) couldn't help it. It's their way of avoiding possible responsibility or judgement.

 

[Missingmeds]

i have lived in the south,and north,and west,now the midwest.come on...men are about the same everywhere.known men from england,ireland,russia,india,and even a few(we wont say how many)from u.s.a. most of them have come on to me,not the other way around.i don't have to shake my ass at them. plain and simple,if the need is there,they are going to look to fulfill that need.

How right you are.

I can't tell you the number of times that I have had a married man tell me it isn't the actual sex that they are looking for, it is the intimacy. Do I believe them all? No. But there are some that I do believe.

 

[sheath]

I'm just saying that some women will use this argument as a defense or 'face-saving' technique. They justify their spouse's interest in another woman by rationalizing that 'their man' (being male and therefore unable to control himself) couldn't help it. It's their way of avoiding possible responsibility or judgement.

Absolutely. It's amazing how many times the woman winds up hating the mistress but doesn't look at the man in the middle...the one who had the affair in the first place. It sounds something like this: "No, no, it must have been that slut who shook her ass and took him away and now she should have to pay for the wrongs BOTH of them have done, but my husband, well...he was just...weak. And of course it had nothing to do with me! Men are just like that!"



I just love how a man will come up to me in a bar, flirt like mad, give me his phone number (office or cell, of course!)...then the wife gets all hot and bothered and attacks ME for 'baiting him'. HELLO?

And of course, she never bothers to wonder why he was looking in the first place, poor thing.

S.

 

[curious2c]

And...sometimes it can just happen, for both parties involved...no one knowing how or why, when it came to be, it just did. Perhaps pain or a lack in the relationship, or...intense need...or just plain lust overwhelming someone...well two someones.

Then, it could be the fact that on some plane, other than this one, these two souls were connected somehow...and they find a re-connection in this plane...Joining again, or starting for the next plane.

 

[ABN_Ranger]

Ok... back in my single man-whore days... I was the "Other man" in a womans world. Her husband had no idea until she messed up and it slipped out. Yeah... there went a 10 year marriage. Didn't I feel like an ass. After that... I swore it would never happen again. And as far as I know... it never did.

J

 

[Tink77]

Ive had one affair with a married person.

Will never make that mistake again.

 

[Metal_Monkey]

Ive had one affair with a married person.

Will never make that mistake again.

It seems to me that most affairs end badly. At the least, they're considered bad ideas in retrospect.

Has an affair ever ended well? Or are people who indulge in affairs just glutons for pain? (And is "indulge" an accurate term, in your opinion? It is, in mine.)

 

[cecelia]

I guess that depends on how you define 'well'. It usually doesn't end well for the perosn who felt betrayed and it usually doesn't end well for any children involved.
If you're just talking about the two lovers, I've seen a case or two where things seemed to work out between them and some marriages even resulted but sometimes those relationships were a little uneasy because of trust and guilt issues.
(I actually typed 'tryst' issues, lol...)

 

[Jezebelle1458]

yes,there are affairs that have ended well.i have had several.but there was an understanding from the start.we both knew that it wouldn't go anywhere.and yes,i still love one of them.always will.

 

[Missingmeds]

yes,there are affairs that have ended well.i have had several.but there was an understanding from the start.we both knew that it wouldn't go anywhere.and yes,i still love one of them.always will.

I have had some that ended very well. We are still friends and I have seen some thru their divorced and even created a marriage for one by introducing him to several of my friends. I was honest with his wife before she was his wife and have been totally honest with since they married.

But like cecelia, I have also seen several where they married the woman that they cheated with wife 1 on and those are not good marriages in my personal opinion. Too much distrust in them.