Am I really a shallow bitch?

[BeachGurl2]

Okay, here's the story. I prefer honest discourse rather than flames, but if you have to, flame away.

I met this guy through alt.com. We emailed for a couple of weeks and found that we had quite a lot in common. His profile had pictures on it, but I've come to realize that they weren't really that recent, but they weren't that old, either. We really clicked so decided to meet. We had a great time, he's a great guy and we have a lot of things in common. But he's quite large - not just 20-30 pounds overweight, but probably 50-75. I've never in my life dated someone very overweight, not because I've specifically avoided it or anything, it's just never come up before. I've gone out with plenty of guys carrying a bit of extra weight, hey I'm carrying a few extra pounds myself, so it's not like I'm some beauty queen, either. I do like this guy, but every time I think about the possibility of him dominating me, I just can't picture it. I can't put myself there, if that makes sense. There's a part of me that wants to give this a chance because we do have a lot in common and we get along great, but there's this other part of me that cringes when I think about sex with him.

So on to the question. Do I cut it off now because I'm pretty certain that I'll never be able to go there? Or do I give it a chance? And if I do give it a chance and realize that I was right, I can't ever go there, am I a bitch for hurting him? Because if I do that, it is likely to hurt him. And that's the last thing I'd want to do.

Honest responses please. I realize that there probably are people here who just think I'm a shallow bitch. I'm already thinking that about myself, so you don't really need to tell me that. I'd prefer constructive responses only, please.

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

So on to the question. Do I cut it off now because I'm pretty certain that I'll never be able to go there? Pretty certain as in you know and have resigned yourself to this? Or do I give it a chance? And if I do give it a chance and realize that I was right, I can't ever go there, am I a bitch for hurting him? Because if I do that, it is likely to hurt him. And that's the last thing I'd want to do. Are you able to broach this subject with him at all? He might surprise you and I guess this sounds weird but might be able to use it somehow in your play. I think you need to be honest with him if you don't want to go anywhere with it. It might hurt but it will hurt him even more if you don't give things a chance and don't explain why. I don't think anything you posted was hurtful and if you could present it in a similar way well it might help.

Honest responses please. I realize that there probably are people here who just think I'm a shallow bitch. If you were a shallow bitch you woudln't be thinking of his feelings or how to be careful with him. I'm already thinking that about myself, so you don't really need to tell me that. You need to go a little lighter on yourself here. Who cares what anyone else thinks, this is your choice and if anything you are trying to prevent anyone from being hurt. Weight isn't just a issue of vanity but can be of health as well. This isn't something he is unaware of I'm guessing so no reason to beat yourself up over it. I do think you need to give both of you a chance with it though. If it doesn't work out for you, he will feel that too. I'd prefer constructive responses only, please.[/QUOTE]

 

[carverII]

Everybody tries to knock anyone else that say physical apperance shouldn't matter. That's BS. If he isn't sexy looking for you, let go of him. Otherwise it will hamper the relationship and both of you will get hurt.

Let him know too. Be honest but be tactful.

And here will come all the hate towards me and I don't care. I like keeping my eyes open during sex and if I can't stand to look at who I am with, I don't need to be with them.

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

Physical appearance isn't all that makes one sexy.

 

[amadaun]

I don't think it's "really shallow" to reject someone because you're not physically attracted to them. If you're not, you're not, and you shouldn't force it.

That said, you also said that you two really clicked. You might as well give the guy a chance if you feel like you connected on non-physical levels; one of the things about meeting up with people on the internet is that it tends to jar you a bit from the mental image you created from them from seeing pictures and talking online. From my experience and what I've heard from others, it rarely seems quite right at first.

People hurt each other with rejections after a few dates all the time, it happens, doesn't make you a bitch for being on the right end of the breakup stick. If you really find you're not physically attracted to him, you obviously don't have to tell him "it's because you're fat", just your general boilerplate "we worked as friends but not sexually, sorry better luck next time". It's not your job as a potential romantic partner to build up the guy's self esteem by staying with him if you don't want to, as long as you don't tear him down on purpose.

And hey, he might turn out to be a friggin' demon in the sack, you never know.

... my $0.02 in Canadian pennies.

 

[BeachGurl2]

So on to the question. Do I cut it off now because I'm pretty certain that I'll never be able to go there? Pretty certain as in you know and have resigned yourself to this?

No, I haven't resigned myself to this, which is where my hesitation comes in. Who knows what may happen or how I'll feel as things move forward?

Or do I give it a chance? And if I do give it a chance and realize that I was right, I can't ever go there, am I a bitch for hurting him? Because if I do that, it is likely to hurt him. And that's the last thing I'd want to do. Are you able to broach this subject with him at all? He might surprise you and I guess this sounds weird but might be able to use it somehow in your play. I think you need to be honest with him if you don't want to go anywhere with it. It might hurt but it will hurt him even more if you don't give things a chance and don't explain why. I don't think anything you posted was hurtful and if you could present it in a similar way well it might help.

Actually, I did talk to him about this after posting. I decided that we'd only had one date, so it wasn't like I'd been seeing him for months and decided this. We talked, a good talk about it. Seems that he's been working with his doctor to lose weight and has lost about 22 pounds. He didn't get upset at all, but talked very straight forward about it all. And we are going to keep the date we made for tomorrow night. We'll go forward from there, I guess.

Honest responses please. I realize that there probably are people here who just think I'm a shallow bitch. If you were a shallow bitch you woudln't be thinking of his feelings or how to be careful with him. I'm already thinking that about myself, so you don't really need to tell me that. You need to go a little lighter on yourself here. Who cares what anyone else thinks, this is your choice and if anything you are trying to prevent anyone from being hurt. Weight isn't just a issue of vanity but can be of health as well. This isn't something he is unaware of I'm guessing so no reason to beat yourself up over it. I do think you need to give both of you a chance with it though. If it doesn't work out for you, he will feel that too. I'd prefer constructive responses only, please.

Thank you for that. I feel much better, both after posting here and after talking to him about it. He even suggested that we make some 'exercise' dates - walking or doing something physical. And no sex pressure, we'll just see what develops.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Everybody tries to knock anyone else that say physical apperance shouldn't matter. That's BS. If he isn't sexy looking for you, let go of him. Otherwise it will hamper the relationship and both of you will get hurt.

Let him know too. Be honest but be tactful.

And here will come all the hate towards me and I don't care. I like keeping my eyes open during sex and if I can't stand to look at who I am with, I don't need to be with them.

He's not really unattractive, actually. And I'm sure with less weight he's quite attractive. It's actually a combination of the physical aspect of the additional weight - no, I'm not attracted to his body - and the health aspects of it all. However, I do like him. That's the crux, not just the fact that he's overweight. And I'm not going to flame you. You like what you like, as do I.

 

[BeachGurl2]

I don't think it's "really shallow" to reject someone because you're not physically attracted to them. If you're not, you're not, and you shouldn't force it.

That said, you also said that you two really clicked. You might as well give the guy a chance if you feel like you connected on non-physical levels; one of the things about meeting up with people on the internet is that it tends to jar you a bit from the mental image you created from them from seeing pictures and talking online. From my experience and what I've heard from others, it rarely seems quite right at first.

People hurt each other with rejections after a few dates all the time, it happens, doesn't make you a bitch for being on the right end of the breakup stick. If you really find you're not physically attracted to him, you obviously don't have to tell him "it's because you're fat", just your general boilerplate "we worked as friends but not sexually, sorry better luck next time". It's not your job as a potential romantic partner to build up the guy's self esteem by staying with him if you don't want to, as long as you don't tear him down on purpose.

And hey, he might turn out to be a friggin' demon in the sack, you never know.

... my $0.02 in Canadian pennies.

Good points, all. He even said that he'd never had any complaints in the 'sack' department, even from very petite women he'd dated, but that there was no pressure and we'd take it as it comes. So, we'll see what happens and I'll keep everyone posted.






I would like to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience, if anyone has.

 

[gottohaveit]

big

give it a try !!!

 

[shy slave]

In your first post you said you are pretty certain you won't go there.

Imagine him minus the extra pounds then think about if you feel the same way.

If you do, end it before it starts.

There are lots of wonderful people out there. Some of them are wonderful for someone else.
Why spend time getting to know someone if you doubt it will be what you want.

Do I think your shallow bitch?
Hell NO!

I would not go out with someone I was not attracted to, whatever the reason for the lack of interest.

I think you are being honest and should be proud of yourself to realise you have certain boxes that need to be ticked in order to make a go of it.

I also think you should be proud of yourself for not wanting to settle for anyone as oppose to the potentially right person.

As an aside: Long out of date photos always scream red flags at me.

Edit to add: The Demon in the sack bit....If your not attarcted to them then technique means nothing apart from an interesting 5 mins.

 

[titmouse]

Been there ...

First of all, you are neither shallow nor a bitch. I think you are a very considerate person, this post is a great prove of that.

You gave me another perspective on my situation a few days ago and I would like to try to do the same if I can.

I am overweight and have been there, rejected by someone I really liked and felt to have a lot in common with. We got along great on a friends/colleagues only level, he was anything but an Adonis as far as looks were concerned, but then said that overweight women were not his thing. I guess my point is that we obviously didn't click enough to make him want to give things a chance between us. The thing that hurt most though was the indirect way he made such a declaration in a 'public' conversation and not having had the guts/tact to talk to me about it and explain this privately. As someone who has lived most of her young life overweight, I can tell you I am very well aware of it and am actually surprised when meeting someone to whom that is not a big deal or something that doesn't make me less but more appealing to them. It is rare, but still happens.

Of course only you can know what your hopes and expectations are for a relationship with this person. What is most important to you in such a relationship, where is sex among your priorities?

In the end you cannot betray yourself though. White lies may sound like a merciful solution, but be honest, if someone told you "hey you're great to hang out with, but there is just no spark" and you were on the other end of the relationship, wouldn't you be able to tell if there was a spark or not, having been there with him, all along?

Getting involved with anyone at any level of romance carries the possibility of getting hurt with it. I am sure your friend knows that too and took the chance with you because he thought you worth it. Whatever you decide to do, be true to yourself, after all, that is exactly what he found attractive and deserves to get, doesn't he?

I wish I was smarter and could offer some more practical input. I hope things work out well for the two of you, whether you choose to go separate ways or venture together through the adventures of life.

Cause life is an adventure, make the most of it.

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

Actually, I did talk to him about this after posting. I decided that we'd only had one date, so it wasn't like I'd been seeing him for months and decided this. We talked, a good talk about it. Seems that he's been working with his doctor to lose weight and has lost about 22 pounds. He didn't get upset at all, but talked very straight forward about it all. And we are going to keep the date we made for tomorrow night. We'll go forward from there, I guess.


Thank you for that. I feel much better, both after posting here and after talking to him about it. He even suggested that we make some 'exercise' dates - walking or doing something physical. And no sex pressure, we'll just see what develops.[/QUOTE]

Wow! It seems like you have done a lot in a short time to at least make an effort. I'm sure he appreciates it, and your honesty. I think the exercise dates are a great idea no matter the type of relationship. I personally have found that the more I get to know a person the more attractive, or unattractive they can seem. At least this way if things don't work out the way you thought, good or bad, it's okay because you were upfront with it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I would end it now as you are not doing him or yourself any favours pursuing it further. If you are not physically attracted to him and feel certain you never will be, it is time to move on. Simple as that. While you have an issue with him being overweight, I have always had an issue with painfully thin men or women as sexual partners simply because it does not ring my bells, but then nor do extremely handsome or beautiful people, or loud people...it is all about personal taste and we all have them inbuilt.

Catalina

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Okay, here's the story. I prefer honest discourse rather than flames, but if you have to, flame away.

I met this guy through alt.com. We emailed for a couple of weeks and found that we had quite a lot in common. His profile had pictures on it, but I've come to realize that they weren't really that recent, but they weren't that old, either. We really clicked so decided to meet. We had a great time, he's a great guy and we have a lot of things in common. But he's quite large - not just 20-30 pounds overweight, but probably 50-75. I've never in my life dated someone very overweight, not because I've specifically avoided it or anything, it's just never come up before. I've gone out with plenty of guys carrying a bit of extra weight, hey I'm carrying a few extra pounds myself, so it's not like I'm some beauty queen, either. I do like this guy, but every time I think about the possibility of him dominating me, I just can't picture it. I can't put myself there, if that makes sense. There's a part of me that wants to give this a chance because we do have a lot in common and we get along great, but there's this other part of me that cringes when I think about sex with him.

So on to the question. Do I cut it off now because I'm pretty certain that I'll never be able to go there? Or do I give it a chance? And if I do give it a chance and realize that I was right, I can't ever go there, am I a bitch for hurting him? Because if I do that, it is likely to hurt him. And that's the last thing I'd want to do.

Honest responses please. I realize that there probably are people here who just think I'm a shallow bitch. I'm already thinking that about myself, so you don't really need to tell me that. I'd prefer constructive responses only, please.

coming from someone who is overweight and who's Master is also overweight, i don't think weight SHOULD be an issue, BUT, if you just cannot see it happening, then i would say the answer would be to cut it off now instead of hurting Him more in the end. what is it exactly about the weight that that bothers you? i mean, is it how YOU feel or how you think others will see you and Him? i'm curious because i noticed when Master was here, and this hurts to say knowing He's reading but i've told Him before also, i saw the looks we got when we would go out to eat..etc.. and it hurt me not because i didn't like the way He looked, but because other people were so 'shallow' and 'rude' He's told me He doesn't even notice it and i don't notice it for myself anymore, but i saw it when He was here with me, so i was just curious if it's truly your feelings or what everyone else will think. you say everytime you think about having sex with the guy you 'cringe' doesn't seem like that's gonna be something easy to get over. this is a hard question as i'd hate to 'let Him go' only to wonder from then on if it could have somehow worked. i say take it slow, go on a few more 'dates' feel it out, and before you or He gets too attached, if it's not working...then let Him know. best of luck to you, and i hope i somehow helped, even if just a little

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Physical appearance isn't all that makes one sexy.

oh so true. sometimes the prettiest/skinniest person on the outside is the ugliest person on the inside.

 

[the captians wench]

Okay, here's the story. I prefer honest discourse rather than flames, but if you have to, flame away.

I met this guy through alt.com. We emailed for a couple of weeks and found that we had quite a lot in common. His profile had pictures on it, but I've come to realize that they weren't really that recent, but they weren't that old, either. We really clicked so decided to meet. We had a great time, he's a great guy and we have a lot of things in common. But he's quite large - not just 20-30 pounds overweight, but probably 50-75. I've never in my life dated someone very overweight, not because I've specifically avoided it or anything, it's just never come up before. I've gone out with plenty of guys carrying a bit of extra weight, hey I'm carrying a few extra pounds myself, so it's not like I'm some beauty queen, either. I do like this guy, but every time I think about the possibility of him dominating me, I just can't picture it. I can't put myself there, if that makes sense. There's a part of me that wants to give this a chance because we do have a lot in common and we get along great, but there's this other part of me that cringes when I think about sex with him.

So on to the question. Do I cut it off now because I'm pretty certain that I'll never be able to go there? Or do I give it a chance? And if I do give it a chance and realize that I was right, I can't ever go there, am I a bitch for hurting him? Because if I do that, it is likely to hurt him. And that's the last thing I'd want to do.

Honest responses please. I realize that there probably are people here who just think I'm a shallow bitch. I'm already thinking that about myself, so you don't really need to tell me that. I'd prefer constructive responses only, please.

The reality is, you are atracted to what you are atracted to and I don't think you can really change that.

I remember going out with one guy that I met and chatted with for a while. He was nice and all, but half way thru dinner I realized things would not work, and the main reason was not only did I not feel physically attracted to him, but like you said the idea made my skin crawl. I tried to be subtle with him and just leave hints that I wasn't interested in another outing, but he wouldn't take a hint and I ended up just putting him on my ignore list. *shrugs*

Not too long after that, I agreed to something a little dangerous and let a guy I'd been chatting with for a while visit me at my house (a while being 5 or 6 months). About 10 mins after I hung up the phone with him I realize I had no idea what he looked like, and he very well could turn out like the last guy I met. Fortunitly it didn't, and we do have some chemistry working, and we had a grand time. He's now a dear friend and we meet for sessions and chats as often as his schedule permits.

I happen to be atracted to men who are on the trim side. They don't have to be fit and tone, but rather healthy looking. I also lean towards taller guys, and a new thing I've just reciently realized...red heads . in other words, my complete physical opposite. I really don't think any amount of talking or time will change that chemistery. So why beat yourself up over it?

But who knows, maybe I'm just a shallow bitch as well.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Well, we did talk it out. Fully. And the big deal is that we did click and I do really like him. We had a great time together and we have a lot in common. If that weren't the case, then none of this would be an issue at all.

We have agreed to see each other tomorrow night and just see where things go from there. I'm the kind of person who generally tries to take people for who they are, not what they look like. The issue about the weight has nothing to do with what other people will think. I've never been that shallow in my life. It's fully about being able to enjoy someone's body. I'm equally not attracted to people who are too thin - in fact, I often joke that I won't date someone whose ass is smaller than mine. I've never cared if someone had a spare tire around his middle or was losing his hair. Obviously, we all have specific looks that interest us and ones that don't. It's not his looks at all. And frankly, I've found that over time, people become more or less physically attractive based on how you feel about them as you get to know them more. At least, that's true for me. Which is why I said earlier that it is something I could maybe see myself getting over with time. I just don't want to end up hurting him if I can't get past it.

But his response to the whole thing was that he liked me, too, and that he agreed we did click. He said he'd rather take the chance that we ended up being just really good friends than not exploring anything with me at all. And as he pointed out, we've only been out once, who's to say that we won't find we are better as friends anyway. So while I respect everyone who has said end it now, I think I agree with him that it's worth actually exploring rather than just shutting down because of something that he views as silly to worry about at this point since everything is so new anyway.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Wow! It seems like you have done a lot in a short time to at least make an effort. I'm sure he appreciates it, and your honesty. I think the exercise dates are a great idea no matter the type of relationship. I personally have found that the more I get to know a person the more attractive, or unattractive they can seem. At least this way if things don't work out the way you thought, good or bad, it's okay because you were upfront with it.

I tend to do that - make a decision about something and then run with it. And once I posted here, I realized that I really did want to talk it out with him because I felt that he should know where I was coming from. And I'm glad I did.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Well, we did talk it out. Fully. And the big deal is that we did click and I do really like him. We had a great time together and we have a lot in common. If that weren't the case, then none of this would be an issue at all.

We have agreed to see each other tomorrow night and just see where things go from there. I'm the kind of person who generally tries to take people for who they are, not what they look like. The issue about the weight has nothing to do with what other people will think. I've never been that shallow in my life. It's fully about being able to enjoy someone's body. I'm equally not attracted to people who are too thin - in fact, I often joke that I won't date someone whose ass is smaller than mine. I've never cared if someone had a spare tire around his middle or was losing his hair. Obviously, we all have specific looks that interest us and ones that don't. It's not his looks at all. And frankly, I've found that over time, people become more or less physically attractive based on how you feel about them as you get to know them more. At least, that's true for me. Which is why I said earlier that it is something I could maybe see myself getting over with time. I just don't want to end up hurting him if I can't get past it.

But his response to the whole thing was that he liked me, too, and that he agreed we did click. He said he'd rather take the chance that we ended up being just really good friends than not exploring anything with me at all. And as he pointed out, we've only been out once, who's to say that we won't find we are better as friends anyway. So while I respect everyone who has said end it now, I think I agree with him that it's worth actually exploring rather than just shutting down because of something that he views as silly to worry about at this point since everything is so new anyway.

that is great, and it is about what works for the both of you, not what others would do in your situation. if He is fine with it and knows there's a possibility that it may not work, then go for it. again i say, good luck to you

 

[SweetErika]

I think there has to be enough there for my partner to be attractive IN SPITE OF an issue like weight. Why? Because people change, and things like weight go up and down quite easily. If I can put myself in your shoes for a moment, I wouldn't go forward with this guy in the hopes that I'd become attracted as his weight went down, because what if that didn't make a difference, his future efforts were unsuccessful, or he gained it back? We'd likely be doomed to a sexless relationship if I couldn't imagine getting excited by being physical with him.

There's also the D/s component, which doesn't have a lot to do with attraction for me beyond the superficial level of "Do I want to touch/be touched by this person?" I'm very attracted to some people, for instance, but I can't imagine enjoying dominating (or bottoming for, for that matter) them. That's an entirely different facet/level that we need to connect on as well for D/s to work for me. Perhaps I'd see this guy as someone I'd like to submit to as I got to know him better, but usually that feeling is there relatively early for me, from what I can tell.

What I might do is see if time and friendship create an attraction to the person he is now. No dates, no expectations, just spending time together platonically and communicating if attraction grows. I know, however, that can be very tough when one person has the attraction and/or either have hopes for more.

Personally, I need someone who's attracted to me at this weight. And at few pounds heavier, and a much lighter one (though I'm always going to have a solid build and curves). And if my limbs were to be amputated. And when I get gray and wrinkly and have more stretch marks from having a kidlet and my boobs deflate.

I also need to be with people who I'm attracted to as they are and how they could/will be (within reason - the reality is that I might not be physically attracted to someone who was terribly disfigured or something). I'm still going to want Hubby when he's old, more gray, bald, has that beer belly that runs in his family, toothless, etc. I'd want him if he didn't have limbs or his cock didn't work anymore.

My attraction transcends what he looks like, for the most part. I'm often attracted to people who aren't terribly physically attractive if the personality wasn't there. Physical attraction is necessary for me, and if it's not there, I won't proceed with a romantic relationship; it just doesn't really change based on appearance, in my experience.

The way I work doesn't make me any better or worse than the ways others do. I think you're a very perceptive, compassionate person based on your posts - you know what you want and consider peoples' feelings, which does not a shallow bitch make.

 

[sereneone4u]

I think there has to be enough there for my partner to be attractive IN SPITE OF an issue like weight. Why? Because people change, and things like weight go up and down quite easily. If I can put myself in your shoes for a moment, I wouldn't go forward with this guy in the hopes that I'd become attracted as his weight went down, because what if that didn't make a difference, his future efforts were unsuccessful, or he gained it back? We'd likely be doomed to a sexless relationship if I couldn't imagine getting excited by being physical with him.

There's also the D/s component, which doesn't have a lot to do with attraction for me beyond the superficial level of "Do I want to touch/be touched by this person?" I'm very attracted to some people, for instance, but I can't imagine enjoying dominating (or bottoming for, for that matter) them. That's an entirely different facet/level that we need to connect on as well for D/s to work for me. Perhaps I'd see this guy as someone I'd like to submit to as I got to know him better, but usually that feeling is there relatively early for me, from what I can tell.

What I might do is see if time and friendship create an attraction to the person he is now. No dates, no expectations, just spending time together platonically and communicating if attraction grows. I know, however, that can be very tough when one person has the attraction and/or either have hopes for more.

Personally, I need someone who's attracted to me at this weight. And at few pounds heavier, and a much lighter one (though I'm always going to have a solid build and curves). And if my limbs were to be amputated. And when I get gray and wrinkly and have more stretch marks from having a kidlet and my boobs deflate.

I also need to be with people who I'm attracted to as they are and how they could/will be (within reason - the reality is that I might not be physically attracted to someone who was terribly disfigured or something). I'm still going to want Hubby when he's old, more gray, bald, has that beer belly that runs in his family, toothless, etc. I'd want him if he didn't have limbs or his cock didn't work anymore.

My attraction transcends what he looks like, for the most part. I'm often attracted to people who aren't terribly physically attractive if the personality wasn't there. Physical attraction is necessary for me, and if it's not there, I won't proceed with a romantic relationship; it just doesn't really change based on appearance, in my experience.

The way I work doesn't make me any better or worse than the ways others do. I think you're a very perceptive, compassionate person based on your posts - you know what you want and consider peoples' feelings, which does not a shallow bitch make.

Erika, you always say it best AND live up to your name.

 

[sereneone4u]

Well, we did talk it out. Fully. And the big deal is that we did click and I do really like him. We had a great time together and we have a lot in common. If that weren't the case, then none of this would be an issue at all.

We have agreed to see each other tomorrow night and just see where things go from there. I'm the kind of person who generally tries to take people for who they are, not what they look like. The issue about the weight has nothing to do with what other people will think. I've never been that shallow in my life. It's fully about being able to enjoy someone's body. I'm equally not attracted to people who are too thin - in fact, I often joke that I won't date someone whose ass is smaller than mine. I've never cared if someone had a spare tire around his middle or was losing his hair. Obviously, we all have specific looks that interest us and ones that don't. It's not his looks at all. And frankly, I've found that over time, people become more or less physically attractive based on how you feel about them as you get to know them more. At least, that's true for me. Which is why I said earlier that it is something I could maybe see myself getting over with time. I just don't want to end up hurting him if I can't get past it.

But his response to the whole thing was that he liked me, too, and that he agreed we did click. He said he'd rather take the chance that we ended up being just really good friends than not exploring anything with me at all. And as he pointed out, we've only been out once, who's to say that we won't find we are better as friends anyway. So while I respect everyone who has said end it now, I think I agree with him that it's worth actually exploring rather than just shutting down because of something that he views as silly to worry about at this point since everything is so new anyway.

I think you made a smart decision...hopefully you will let us know how it works out.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Speaking as someone who is big, and has been judged on it many times, I figured I would throw My two cents in. I think that its good you are giving it a chance to wee what is there. If you were to just not get into it cuz he is big, you could be cutting yourself off from someone great for you....

 

[FurryFury]

Well, we did talk it out. Fully. And the big deal is that we did click and I do really like him. We had a great time together and we have a lot in common. If that weren't the case, then none of this would be an issue at all.

We have agreed to see each other tomorrow night and just see where things go from there. I'm the kind of person who generally tries to take people for who they are, not what they look like. The issue about the weight has nothing to do with what other people will think. I've never been that shallow in my life. It's fully about being able to enjoy someone's body. I'm equally not attracted to people who are too thin - in fact, I often joke that I won't date someone whose ass is smaller than mine. I've never cared if someone had a spare tire around his middle or was losing his hair. Obviously, we all have specific looks that interest us and ones that don't. It's not his looks at all. And frankly, I've found that over time, people become more or less physically attractive based on how you feel about them as you get to know them more. At least, that's true for me. Which is why I said earlier that it is something I could maybe see myself getting over with time. I just don't want to end up hurting him if I can't get past it.

But his response to the whole thing was that he liked me, too, and that he agreed we did click. He said he'd rather take the chance that we ended up being just really good friends than not exploring anything with me at all. And as he pointed out, we've only been out once, who's to say that we won't find we are better as friends anyway. So while I respect everyone who has said end it now, I think I agree with him that it's worth actually exploring rather than just shutting down because of something that he views as silly to worry about at this point since everything is so new anyway.

He sounds like a smart and fairly easy going fellow. I tend to like that sort of thing.

Fury

 

[DVS]

Man, some of these posts are just too long to read. I need paragraphs, too, or I ges lost.

Bottom line here. If you don't have a chemical connection with him, you are hurting him more by continuing to try, when you know there is no chance of it happening.

But, if you think it's possible, make sure he knows there's a risk, and tell him what you need to give it a try. But, if he didn't tell you about the extra weight until you saw him, that is being dishonest with you. And, now, he's tossing the guilt to you. You were expecting something you didn't get...you were expecting what he was selling, pictures and all. Then, the real him comes out, and he expects you to be OK with that?

If nothing else, I wouldn't like the fact that he lied to you. I had a similar situation happen to me. I was talking to this woman for a few days, and we exchanged pictures. The only thing she said about her picture was that it was a little old. She didn't say anything else about it.

Finally, she told me she was about 50 pounds heavier than the picture, and asked me if it mattered. At that point in time, yes it did. If she had been up front with me and said something early on, it might not have been an issue, but there needs to be a trust in a relationship and not telling the truth from the beginning is a lie.

And, there is no way shes could have kept it from being found out, so why keep it a secret at all? She lied on her profile and she lied when she shared her picture with me. How am I to take that? Am I to forget it and say "Oh, that's OK. Forget about it." or am I smarter to question the fact that she lied in the first place and see that as a possible character issue?

Listen...we've all been rejected. Shit happens. But, I don't understand it when someone lies about something that is to be found out eventually as a lie. What is the sense in that? Tell the truth, no matter what it is. You're trying to meet your life partner, here. Hiding something is being disrespectful of the other person's honesty.