Ask Velvet ~ An agony aunt for the fast food generation.

[VelvetDarkness]

Ok, I got one for ya! (No panties, though... )

How goes a college age girl present herself in a subby-type manner out in the wide world, without becoming a doormat? And will the domly types ignore her or find her unattractive if in public she's assertive and independent?

I can tell you confidently that your assertiveness won't count against you. You've seen around the BDSM boards that we're an opinionated bunch. There aren't that many subs IME who go around deferring to everyone within radius. I know that a big part of the attraction for most doms is to have an intelligent, opinionated, independent woman submit to them voluntarily. There's no excitement in having a total doormat as a sub from what I've heard from dom men on Lit. Also, doms are quite territorial when it comes to submission. They want it all for themselves, not for anybody else - certainly not the general public.

It is tricky being a young person looking to get into kink because there are so many guys out there professing to be doms. I'd advise you not to post pics all over the place because you want people to get to know you for you, not cyberstalk you because you look good. I'd also be circumspect about your age and lack of experience until you have been chatting with someone for a while and connected with them. Most doms will understand this as self defence rather than a desire to mislead.

Be yourself, don't worry about trying to act like a sub. There are times for submission and that is when you like someone enough to choose to submit to them. The only 'doms' who will expect you to call them 'Master' from the word go and speak when spoken to are the ones you should run a mile from.

If you're feeling really brave, you can always google for a 'munch' in your area. It's a meeting of local kink lifestylers. Just an informal meeting, no fetishwear or lube required. It's unlikely you'll meet many people your age there but you can make a few acquaintances and chat to people who are more experienced.

You need a finely tuned BS-o-meter and you'll have to sift though a lot of frogs but if you stick to your guns, be yourself and find someone worthy of your submission, you'll eventually stumble on your prince.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom!

Wisdom? I've answered 1 question about panties and apparently got it completely wrong.

 

[rinka]

Hi Velvet! I have kind of a newbie question for you: I've been reading some threads and am so wondering what PYL stands for...

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi Velvet! I have kind of a newbie question for you: I've been reading some threads and am so wondering what PYL stands for...

PYL stands for Pick Your Label. On the BDSM Forums this term is used to speak broadly about people who identify as sadist/dom/top/master etc.

Lowercase pyl is used to talk broadly about people who identify as sub/slave/bottom/masochist.

They are catch all terms that have been adopted in order to include different types of BDSM lifestylers into a debate and to avoid causing offence as people are often very attached to their personal label. Also, terms like sub and slave mean different things to different people according to which facets of kink they choose to incorporate into their relationships.

 

[rinka]

Thanks!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

No problem, it's a common query, you're definitely not alone.

 

[CheekyBoots]

Hey Velvet, me again!

So I've always thought my friend was a hopeless Super Vanilla, with a healthy topping of naïveté and willful ignorance. But lately I've been making kinkier jokes around her and she's really running with 'em. And she's started awkwardly asking questions like "is it even possible to get over a sensitive gag reflex?" and "is it normal that I want him to really toss me around?"

So I want to help her explore her emerging "kinky" side because she seems increasingly curious, but too embarrassed to flat out admit it. Any advice on how to help her? Any resources to help educate her to see if this is a lifestyle she wants to pursue? When I just flat out talk about it, she turns all red and embarrassed and awkward, so I have to be kinda careful, ya know? Anyway, sorry I'm rambling. Just thought you might be able to give me some pointers...

Thanks so much!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi CB

Well you could always refer her to Lit and encourage her to explore and read whatever takes her fancy. If you didn't want to reveal your own nic I'm sure she'd understand. It might be less embarrassing for her to talk here than for you two to start discussing aspects of yourselves and your relationships that you're not 100% happy with sharing.

If she wants her man to 'throw her around' it does indeed sound like she has submissive desires. That's all great if her guy turns out to be willing to explore them with her but be prepared for some tension and relationship issues if he won't.

Most guys are willing to experiment but getting aggressive in the bedroom will only really work if it turns him on to do so. If he's just doing it for her then she's not really submitting at all because he is serving her desires. That might leave your friend feeling dissatisfied because it does make a big difference.

I'm sure you know that there are big differences between wanting a little rough sex and being submissive. It may be that she just wants to spice things up in the bedroom. Be supportive and encouraging but don't sweep her off her feet and pull her towards stuff that she may have no interest in.

She's lucky to have a friend like you. So many people keep quiet about their fantasies and desires because they feel they have nobody to talk to. Just be there for her, without pushing and I'm sure she'll gradually open up more as she learns that she can trust you with this side of her without being judged.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Bump

 

[Qyron]

Well, I would truly like to have a decent question to put in here, but I don't. Or do I...

Let's see... What would you tell a guy if he said to you he wanted to go a little kinky and start exploring a little more his dark side. Alone, for starters...

I'm kind of a switch, myself. I can be very dominant yet I enjoy getting, let's say, into the other side of the play sometimes.

So what do you say? What kind of games I could start playing with myself to test my boundaries? (I sense questions coming around)

On another line: what of RP do you enjoy?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

incomplete post. called away from laptop so will edit later x

 

[Qyron]

Did I just see Portuguese in your reply?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Did I just see Portuguese in your reply?

Sim querido, eu falo poco portugues, obrigada.

My ex boyfriend was Portuguese and I learned some of the language as his parents spoke no English. It's pretty rusty now as I have had little practise over the last 2 years but I can articulate myself in a clumsy fashion when needed.

I must log out now but i will give thought to your questions and post a little later.

 

[Qyron]

Sim querido, eu falo poco portugues, obrigada.

My ex boyfriend was Portuguese and I learned some of the language as his parents spoke no English. It's pretty rusty now as I have had little practise over the last 2 years but I can articulate myself in a clumsy fashion when needed.

I must log out now but i will give thought to your questions and post a little later.

It may be rusty but it still remains coherent enough to be understandable.

No problem. take your time.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Let's see... What would you tell a guy if he said to you he wanted to go a little kinky and start exploring a little more his dark side. Alone, for starters...

Well there are loads of BDSM related stories here to get you in the mood and Lit also has a busy chatroom with lots of kinky people. Sites like collarme.com have chatrooms that are solely kink based.

If you're into exploring sensations on yourself, there are lots of ways you can do this. Household items like ice, ginger, clothespins, candlewax and so on can all be used on oneself. You can also explore impactplay (paddles/floggers/etc) on yourself by improvising with household items and get a feel for the type and level of sensation you enjoy. If you want to be the one wielding the whip, it's still a good way to learn technique and understand better the pain you could inflict on others.

I'm kind of a switch, myself. I can be very dominant yet I enjoy getting, let's say, into the other side of the play sometimes.

You can google for a 'munch' in your area. A munch is a social gathering where people who are interested in kink and kinkbased relationships meet and network. If there is a fetish club near you, you could try going there (there's usually a membership and dress code with these places so do your research rather than just turn up) and meeting new people and/or taking part in some play.

You could also start forming online relationships with subs, dom/mes and switches. It's a good way of exploring things safely and many people enjoy engaging in kink online.

On another line: what of RP do you enjoy?

It's all in my signature, click on the links to read the threads I'm in. I don't engage in cybersex any more. It lost its appeal for me a long time ago and Master does not permit it.

 

[Qyron]

Thank you very much, Velvet. Much appreciated.

I think I'll keep the subscription to this thread; just to see how the trends will be going around...

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Thank you very much, Velvet. Much appreciated.

I think I'll keep the subscription to this thread; just to see how the trends will be going around...

Yay! That brings the official VelvetDarkness fanclub membership up to... 1!

Here's your free cookie.
http://www.cookiemadness.net/oreo%20chunk%20cookie%20for%20blog.jpg

 

[Qyron]

Yay! That brings the official VelvetDarkness fanclub membership up to... 1!

Here's your free cookie.
http://www.cookiemadness.net/oreo%20chunk%20cookie%20for%20blog.jpg

[picks up cookie and nibbles it]
»No tea? No milk? What a cheap...« [thinks for himself]

now that I'm a fan, oh grand one, please be so kind in reading and commenting this small idea of mine here.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It's an interesting idea and I'm sure it could develop into quite a story. I really enjoy working on SRPs so I hope somebody picks it up for you soon. Would you prefer a male or female co-writer I wonder?

http://www.geekologie.com/2007/08/23/coffee-and-tea-color.jpg

 

[Qyron]

It's an interesting idea and I'm sure it could develop into quite a story. I really enjoy working on SRPs so I hope somebody picks it up for you soon. Would you prefer a male or female co-writer I wonder?

http://www.geekologie.com/2007/08/23/coffee-and-tea-color.jpg

[Picks up mug of milk]

as I lack experience in SRP and this is the first story I'm developing solely for such purpose, both would be welcome Gender of the co-writer is of no importance, truly; fantasy is a world apart. But I would like to see real women enrol the tribeswomen roles, of course.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Sexy?

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/matt_kane/images/OLINKA1.jpg

 

[Qyron]

illustrative of what I've think of...

 

[Breaker_Morant]

I have a question..

Are you really a licensed psychiatrist or are you just trying to get me to bare my soul to a complete stranger?

 

[Qyron]

It is said that is easier to open one's heart to a complete a stranger than to a close friend.

You know, satin? I think I'm a little too "slow to start burning" for your BDSM dungeon. I enjoy things slowly. And I get the feeling that over there everybody is just after a quick fix...

Ever read Anne Rice erotic trilogy based upon the sleeping beauty tale?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Are you really a licensed psychiatrist or are you just trying to get me to bare my soul to a complete stranger?

I'm just the agony aunt of my peer group and I've contributed to How To threads regularly for quite a while now. Your soul is yours to bare or keep concealed as you choose.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It is said that is easier to open one's heart to a complete a stranger than to a close friend.

You know, satin? I think I'm a little too "slow to start burning" for your BDSM dungeon. I enjoy things slowly. And I get the feeling that over there everybody is just after a quick fix...

Ever read Anne Rice erotic trilogy based upon the sleeping beauty tale?

The dungeon was intended to be a chat thread for kinky SRP writers to swap ideas and seek co-writers rather than a playroom but it's never possible to control these things and I wouldn't want to even if I could. You seem to be enjoying it over there today.

I haven't read that book.

My nic is Velvet.