ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[Etoile]

Yay! You got to use caps!

It's all thanks to you actually, your name was the only lowercase in that post!

 

[graceanne]

It's all thanks to you actually, your name was the only lowercase in that post!

Cool.

 

[ZRT]

I HAVE NO IDEA BUT IT'S CLEARLY NOT FAIR!

Oho, she has the power now.

 

[bitchee62]

I absolutely love the pic in your profile so I decided to write you a little story about our first meeting, let me know what you think:

i get off the train
and see you in the distance
i feel my dick twitch straight away
as we get closer to each other we smile:
we kiss
and kiss:
our tongues start to explore each other's mouths:
and our hands are all over each other's bodies
i pull you to me right on the platform
and you can fell my hard dick rub up against you
you pull away and take my hand
you start to lead me towards the ladies toilets
we don't care if anyone sees us go in
we just need each other
and want each other
and don't care who knows it
you pull me into a cubicle
and lift your skirt around your waist
you lightly rub a finger across you clit
and say "do you want me?"
as you lift your finger back up to your mouth
i can see that it's wet
and i can see you glistening between your legs
i unbutton my jeans
and pull out my ridiculously hard dick
i say "yes, i want you"
you move your knickers to the side
and pull me towards you
i plant a foot on the toilet and lift your leg over mine
i slowly move my dick towards you
and insert it into you
all the way
filling you up
i start to thrust
thrusting my hips into you
and out
in and out
i grab the back of your head
and bring you in for a strong kiss
i move down to your neck and start to bite it
as i start to fuck you faster
i'm so horny that i fell like i'm gonna cum
so i pull out and spin you round
i pull your knickers down to your knees
and press you up against the cubicle door
before entering you again
i firmly grab your hips and start to fuck you hard
we are both moaning loudly
people can hear us but we don't care
i reach round so that i can touch your clit
and with my other hand i give you a playful spank
before reaching round and gently sliding another finger inside you
alongside my dick
so tight baby
feels so good as I feel a small orgasm on my cock
i move both of hands up to your hair
and firmly grab 2 handfuls
you feel so good on my cock
i start to fuck you really hard now
my balls slapping your clit
and your ass slapping into me
i feel like i'm gonna cum
you feel so good
oh god
you feel so so good
i love to fuck you
let me feel you cum on my cock
i feel you start to clench
and it makes you even tighter
feels so good
your body drives me crazy
i reach up and grab your tits
as i feel my orgasm build:
god you are so hot
i'm gonna cum baby
ohhhhh
im cumming
i pull my softening dick out of you.....
and crouch behind you
i can see my cum oozing out of you
it makes me start to harden again
i take your clit in my mouth:
and let it go
and take it back
i start to flick my tongue over it
i move down so that i'm brushing it with my eyelashes when i blink
so soft
blinking fast
move back to take it in my mouth
and take long slow licks
all the way from your clit to the top of you ass crack
and everything in between
i stick my tongue gently in your ass
as i rub your clit with 2 fingers
i start to fuck your ass with my tongue
and massage your clit faster
and faster
til your legs are shaking
i move my tongue back tour clit
and put 1 finger inside
and start to move it back and forth:
til i'm finger-fucking you
and frantically licking your clit
as fast as i can
you taste so sweet
i love the way you smell
and taste
and feel
as you start to cum all over my tongue……………..


This one has been the most creative so far. Has anyone else gotten it? I was unsure how to respond to it and finally decided "thank you but I don't cyber until I know someone better" covered it
Reg

 

[graceanne]

Once again, a LOT of effort for someone you don't know.

 

[graceanne]

Oho, she has the power now.

Better watch out.

 

[ZRT]

This one has been the most creative so far. Has anyone else gotten it? I was unsure how to respond to it and finally decided "thank you but I don't cyber until I know someone better" covered it
Reg

Your profile pic inspired me to write this totally nonsyllabicly standard haiku.

Nice bod
would not kick out of hammock
yummy yum yum

(Waits for MS to show up and do an allcaps about 'nonsyllabicly')

 

[bitchee62]

Yes way too much effort, I'm hoping it's a standard form PM sent to many random women. And thanks ZRT.

 

[Etoile]

Your profile pic inspired me to write this totally nonsyllabicly standard haiku.

Nice bod
would not kick out of hammock
yummy yum yum

(Waits for MS to show up and do an allcaps about 'nonsyllabicly')

I'm not going to pick on my, only on the lack of need for it at all. Saying "a nonstandard haiku" automatically tells people the syllables will be off. In this case, it also explains why it's not about nature...at least not the nature Basho wrote about!

 

[ZRT]

I'm not going to pick on my, only on the lack of need for it at all. Saying "a nonstandard haiku" automatically tells people the syllables will be off. In this case, it also explains why it's not about nature...at least not the nature Basho wrote about!

Oh, just go and ruin the bait, why don't ya?

 

[Etoile]

Oh, just go and ruin the bait, why don't ya?

Oh my god, how did nonsyllabicly get converted to my?! I blame the iPhone's auto correct which is clearly on crack!

I'm sure someone else will pick on the word nonsyllabicly though! Never fear!

 

[satindesire]

Give me a second to gird my loins. If I don't make it back, assume I was crushed under a wall of text and avenge my death.

*dies laughing*

Gee that's funny, you haven't been here very long, but I've only seen good posts from you so far.

Mister is a complete sweetheart and hilarious. He defended me when other people were mean to me. So that wins him instant BFF points.

 

[ManInIronMask]

Poor PM-ers. I just write the most awesome PMs in any case.

Though I'd blame the lack of response on asinine recipients rather than on my inability to be erudite.

 

[MisterSir]

Your profile pic inspired me to write this totally nonsyllabicly standard haiku.

Nice bod
would not kick out of hammock
yummy yum yum

(Waits for MS to show up and do an allcaps about 'nonsyllabicly')

Two then seven then four?

TWO THEN SEVEN THEN FOUR?

IS THAT A HAIKU? IT HAS INCORRECT STRUCTURE! THAT IS A POEM!

THAT! IS!! NOT!!! A!!!! HAIKU!!!!!

(fully expecting nobody to get the reference, it's obscure even for me)

 

[Etoile]

Two then seven then four?

TWO THEN SEVEN THEN FOUR?

IS THAT A HAIKU? IT HAS INCORRECT STRUCTURE! THAT IS A POEM!

THAT! IS!! NOT!!! A!!!! HAIKU!!!!!

(fully expecting nobody to get the reference, it's obscure even for me)

It made me think of Jean-Luc Picard in "Chain of Command" but I'm thinking that might just be me.

 

[MisterSir]

It made me think of Jean-Luc Picard in "Chain of Command" but I'm thinking that might just be me.

You are incorrect, the answer I was looking for was Sam Vimes.

Sam...Vimes.

 

[Etoile]

You are incorrect, the answer I was looking for was Sam Vimes.

Sam...Vimes.

Well, I said it was probably just me.

 

[Primalex]

God, this guy's irritating. And people aren't listening to me, they're still replying to him and it makes everything worse.

As you sow so shall you reap.

 

[satindesire]

Primalex, you are a fucking moron. Your stupidity absolutely astounds me!

MisterSir is NOT my husband, I am not "his girl". "Mister", my husband, is not on this board nor does he have an interest to be on it. Thusly, I use the nickname "Mister" to protect his name and identity from people like you, who sit around with nothing better to do than talk about people you know absolutely nothing about.


Mister, as I referred to in my above post, was a shortened version MisterSir. As in, MisterSir's screen name. It's called a simple miscommunication, ever heard of them? Or is your inability to speak to people in a polite and respectful way getting in the way of socailizing outside of the intertubez?

You win the award for most paranoid Lit personality of the year. Do us all a favor and get a life outside of your computer and your delusions, wouldja? They have medications for your condition, perhaps you should seek the counseling of a nice MD and get some scripts for your poor confused head?

Jackass.

 

[Etoile]

Dudes, can we get back to the funny PMs now?

 

[Harmony_1985]

Dudes, can we get back to the funny PMs now?

Amen.

 

[BiBunny]

I Get All The Good Ones

I bet you're the kind of girl that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the god damned common courtesy to give him a reach around. I'll be watching you

What in the name of hell is that shit? Like, I don't even have a good smartass comment for it.

 

[satindesire]

I bet you're the kind of girl that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the god damned common courtesy to give him a reach around. I'll be watching you

What in the name of hell is that shit? Like, I don't even have a good smartass comment for it.

That is a ripped quote from the awesome movie Full Metal Jacket. They get zero creativity points.

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

That.

I mean, I like controlling my partners. Goes with the territory. But christ, I work for a damn living and I like to do other things besides smack up my bitches.

ROFLMFAO!!

 

[BiBunny]

That is a ripped quote from the awesome movie Full Metal Jacket. They get zero creativity points.

Ohhh...I didn't even know that. Wow, that makes the message even lamer than it already was. Damn.