ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[FungiUg]

Actually, I've found this to generally be true: Any woman who is uninterested in me is by default a lesbian. It's uncanny!

*snork*

 

[TheJestersAdvocate]

PM today:

Fist massage?

Ok, all I can imagine here is him punching your feet. And I know that kinks/fetishes are different for everyone....but who exactly enjoys -that- sorta thing? The love child of Rocky and Lady Sonia?

Or is he trying to say that he dislikes feet and his intention is to 'kill them with kindness''? "Rrrrraaaaagh, feet I hate you...feel the wrath of my fists of fury!" *fist massage*

 

[satindesire]

I tried wondering about it, Ken, but then I got this nosebleed and decided it was best for my health to stop.

 

[lady_poisyn]

First one here

Babe I just read all three of your stories. Read the first one and said mmmm I like this. Read the second one and said wow I like this best. Read the third and said no I like this one best. Truth is they are all three hot and sexy turn on stories you wrote. Wow.

I would love to chat but here is my into story introducing myself to you. You tell me what you think well really how hot it makes you. Be sure to look good at my avitar first.
Then read my little note I wont say story . I know there are some corrections but look beyond them and look at only what the story is saying to you ok. Good.
(removed)

I would love to get you off baby sometime. It would be my pleasure and yours. I walk into your bedroom lit only by a lavender candle. The room cool and very comfortable and your cd player has Natalie Cole signing in the back ground. You are naked and lay face down.
I am come into to give you a full body massage. You see my avitar that is me keep that picture in mind. I walk over to you remove a sheet that covers your nude body.
I began to fist massage your feet with perfumed foot lotion then use my warmed massage oil to massage your calves deeply with my hands, licking your calves at the same time, I move up to the back of your legs and lean into you and fluttering and my tongue softly over the backs of your knees then move up your thighs. Your skin so so soft and my tongue moves up your nice thighs so juicy and tasty as my tongue with a mind of its own wants to travel to your sweet spot and lick you and pleasure you. I then massage your thighs from the back with my hands then start to lick you between your thighs. I move up with slow deliberate soft flickering of my tongue with only the very tip making contact with your skin. Tasting your delight as I move toward your lovely pussy. My cock erect now it too wants what it wants and that is to find a place between your lovely leg baby pleasuring you throbbing deep inside of your wet hot pussy, stretching the walls. You love the feel of a hard erect throbbing cock deep inside of your body. My tongue still on its journey though moves ever more toward your sweet smelling pussy. That distinctive smell that turns my cock on and makes me so so hard and brings the pre cum out of my cock in small beads. You want this you want my hard cock between your legs and my hard body straddling yours love. You will have me as I began to plunge my tongue masterfully inside of your slit with precision of a pro making you squirm and so so wet that you can not stand it. You moan and grab he sheets at this point your skin covered with goose bumps from the sexual turn on you can not hold back your pussy is so so wet your juices flowing of you that nice mound of your. You crave my cock you want it now. I taste your lovely pussy juices they are so so sweet like nectar to bee I enjoy the pleasure of eating your pussy out. Now I turn you over and you pull me on top of you
wanting me inside of you as you reach down and guide my hard cock into that pool of hot sexual juices between your legs and my cock enters you. You moan as my cock enters between your legs love and you want me in all the way now. Pulling me further and bringing my ass closer to you my cock moves ever so deeper in the center of your hot turned on body. I began to pump my cock faster and faster inside of you and then you keep your timing with me as your hips rise to meet mine. I want this baby, want to fuck you hard and fast making you cum like you have never cum before my cock has its own agenda. You love how this has all turned out from your massage it is the best massage you have ever felt. I keep driving my cock deep into your pussy and you scream and moan for me oh yes, oh baby dont stop, oh love please fuck me baby, fuck me harder oh yes. Oh yes, O baby I am cumming for you , yes. You work your pussy rubbing your clit faster and faster till you cum all over yourself. Your pussy so so wet and so so fulfilled from this wild sexual experience. I hope you have enjoyed this solo trip to sexual pleasure. Please now allow me to tease you one on one in a total interactive
cyber experience that will bring you to an explosive climax. It was nice to bring you this experience I would love to IM you on yahoo and make this experience so so much more for the both of us love.
If I were there I would lick that sweet pussy of yours clean but that will have to be the next time we make love
on Yahoo. PM me here love if you want to play with me.
(removed)
Removed

Except lavender gives me headaches. Don't care for Natalie Cole, his spelling is horrible, and licking anywhere but my pussy makes me say 'ewww'.

 

[lady_poisyn]

satindesire- just went back a page, seems we have the same asshat XD this im ^*pokes above post*
is #5 they have sent me that read almost the same -_-

 

[TheJestersAdvocate]

I tried wondering about it, Ken, but then I got this nosebleed and decided it was best for my health to stop.

Nosebleed fetishes....next thread please.

Where tissues serve multiple purposes!

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

The cruel disdain for commas. Good Lord. Someone take Rick aside and tell him to pick up a box of Trojan® brand Ultra Ribbed Lubricated Commas at his favorite retailer. For her pleasure.

 

[FloggingMolly]

Hehe the 'avitar' gave it away.

No new asshats in my inbox, I've been abandoned

 

[satindesire]

satindesire- just went back a page, seems we have the same asshat XD this im ^*pokes above post*
is #5 they have sent me that read almost the same -_-

Yeah, it's the same name and the same kind of spelling errors and writing style, it's CERTAINLY the same asshole! Also, you need to edit that name out of your post, sweetheart.

P.S. PM him back with a link to this thread. I dare you.

 

[Kikori]

Yeah, it's the same name and the same kind of spelling errors and writing style, it's CERTAINLY the same asshole! Also, you need to edit that name out of your post, sweetheart.

P.S. PM him back with a link to this thread. I dare you.

I wonder what his obsession is with Natalie Cole and lavender.

 

[satindesire]

I wonder what his obsession is with Natalie Cole and lavender.

I'm not sure, but as often as he's begged us to believe that his "avitar" is REALLY TRULY HONESTLY him, I'm guessing it's not.

 

[Kikori]

Then if I started asking you to believe my avatar is a real sprite depiction of me, you wouldn't? *Shifty eyes*

 

[Essene]

The cruel disdain for commas. Good Lord. Someone take Rick aside and tell him to pick up a box of Trojan® brand Ultra Ribbed Lubricated Commas at his favorite retailer. For her pleasure.

You just don't "get" Rick. He is a genius, or as Rick would say "genus".

This is obviously stream of consciousness writing. The lavendar and Natalie Cole are symbolic of his desire to "calm" the sociopolitical upheaval in his home country.

 

[lady_poisyn]

I'm not sure, but as often as he's begged us to believe that his "avitar" is REALLY TRULY HONESTLY him, I'm guessing it's not.

lol, it's way too staged XD like Playgirl or Calvin Klein staged XD

Then if I started asking you to believe my avatar is a real sprite depiction of me, you wouldn't? *Shifty eyes*

*nuzzles Koneko* nope doesn't look a thing like you

 

[lady_poisyn]

Yeah, it's the same name and the same kind of spelling errors and writing style, it's CERTAINLY the same asshole! Also, you need to edit that name out of your post, sweetheart.

P.S. PM him back with a link to this thread. I dare you.

done =^_^= as for sending him a link i deleted his ims (t'was konekos idea to post here, never even heard of this thread before XD) but i really should have! he tries again an i will

 

[Kikori]

*nuzzles Koneko* nope doesn't look a thing like you

You're right. I don't have a green shirt.

 

[satindesire]

Then if I started asking you to believe my avatar is a real sprite depiction of me, you wouldn't? *Shifty eyes*

*raises brows* What would I get from you if I said yes?

You just don't "get" Rick. He is a genius, or as Rick would say "genus".

This is obviously stream of consciousness writing. The lavendar and Natalie Cole are symbolic of his desire to "calm" the sociopolitical upheaval in his home country.

*snarfs Milk up her nose* OW! Dammit, that burns!

 

[Kikori]

*raises brows* What would I get from you if I said yes?

If yes, you wouldn't believe me, then I'd make puppy dog eyes (ironic, for being a Kitten) and meow cute 'til you'd go "Aww" and believe me.

And I might link you to a picture? :3

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

What is it with guys substituting Cum for come when posting, PMing and IMing?

 

[lady_poisyn]

What is it with guys substituting Cum for come when posting, PMing and IMing?

they think it's hotter, and gonna make us wet?
though i do it on occasion so can't say much XD

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

they think it's hotter, and gonna make us wet?
though i do it on occasion so can't say much XD

You doing it is ok, Wanna know why? Men would be into it.

An other forty year old male saying it to an over 40 year old female, it just doesnt work.

 

[Kikori]

"I'll cum to you" sounds like a pun.
"I'll cum to your house" sounds like a stupid typo / threat.

 

[satindesire]

If yes, you wouldn't believe me, then I'd make puppy dog eyes (ironic, for being a Kitten) and meow cute 'til you'd go "Aww" and believe me.

And I might link you to a picture? :3

*strokes chin movie-villain style* Hmm...intriguing...

 

[lady_poisyn]

"I'll cum to you" sounds like a pun.
"I'll cum to your house" sounds like a stupid typo / threat.

the funny/ sad thing about that is how often you get it XD or the guys who fully intend to "seduce" you using chat speak- poor chat speak at that.
i'm known for typos and misspellings for sure, but at least i never try to lead a "cyber" or RP with "o babe i gunna fuk u till u cum 4 me" or some other lame attempt at- what ever language they speak.

 

[Essene]

If yes, you wouldn't believe me, then I'd make puppy dog eyes (ironic, for being a Kitten) and meow cute 'til you'd go "Aww" and believe me.

And I might link you to a picture? :3

I wanna see tooooo!!!!