Because we all need a laugh
- Thread starter Hitenshi
- Start date
panty_inspector
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2004
- Posts
- 7,595
Hitenshi said:
aha! i thought it sounded familiar
poppy1963
Born Yesterday
- Joined
- May 1, 2006
- Posts
- 20,941
panty_inspector said:how could i doubt you, my butter-covered co-star?
hee hee...i can imagine Hitenshi a butter-covered co-star...golden with a lovely sheen...sweet butter!
I must also say I looked upstairs, upland, up stream, upward...and no Freudian reference to the obsession with "up" have I found....perhaps we should also look at "down" though...I've been pondering this also...*nods nods*
poppy1963
Born Yesterday
- Joined
- May 1, 2006
- Posts
- 20,941
Hitenshi said:Yup...buttered and loving it! lol I'm a contract star over at DirtyKitten Productions.Just doing my job
I bet you're right - down is bound to have some Freudian connotation. Heck, darn near everything else does!
Perhaps you should link DK Productions in your sig line! I've seen your work a few times. Ooo la la! I'll have to check there again...haven't visited lately.
Hitenshi
tasty little snack
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2005
- Posts
- 1,134
poppy1963 said:Perhaps you should link DK Productions in your sig line! I've seen your work a few times. Ooo la la! I'll have to check there again...haven't visited lately.
It's in my sig line, though not linked. Yes, do come by - we always do love to perform for the public! lol
Hitenshi
tasty little snack
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2005
- Posts
- 1,134
Tickle me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Hitenshi
tasty little snack
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2005
- Posts
- 1,134
Doctor Confessions
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
--Dr. MacDonald, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Byrnes, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Steinberg, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the
large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what
I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing
too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Theodropolous, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. St. Clair, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have
you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered . "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Swanson, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Kransdorf, MI
And Finally . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
--won't admit his name
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
--Dr. MacDonald, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Byrnes, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Steinberg, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the
large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what
I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing
too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Theodropolous, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. St. Clair, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have
you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered . "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Swanson, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Kransdorf, MI
And Finally . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
--won't admit his name
Hitenshi
tasty little snack
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2005
- Posts
- 1,134
poppy1963
Born Yesterday
- Joined
- May 1, 2006
- Posts
- 20,941
This one made me laugh because I related to the woman calling to make the reservation. As I age...iyiyiyiyiy...
A REAL TRAVEL ADVENTURE
A rather confused woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." Needless to say, the agent was rather confused by the request. "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, I’m sure," said the client. "What flights to you have?" The agent got on the computer and tried every airport code in the country but couldn't come up with a city named Hippopotamus. She finally got back on the phone and told the person on the other end that she had had no luck locating a city with that name. "Oh, don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured the map of New York state looking for any city that might vaguely sound or look like Hippopotamus. Finally, and as a last ditch effort; asked the woman, "You don’t, by any chance mean Buffalo, do you?" "Oh, right, that's it. I knew it was a big animal."
A REAL TRAVEL ADVENTURE
A rather confused woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." Needless to say, the agent was rather confused by the request. "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, I’m sure," said the client. "What flights to you have?" The agent got on the computer and tried every airport code in the country but couldn't come up with a city named Hippopotamus. She finally got back on the phone and told the person on the other end that she had had no luck locating a city with that name. "Oh, don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured the map of New York state looking for any city that might vaguely sound or look like Hippopotamus. Finally, and as a last ditch effort; asked the woman, "You don’t, by any chance mean Buffalo, do you?" "Oh, right, that's it. I knew it was a big animal."
poppy1963
Born Yesterday
- Joined
- May 1, 2006
- Posts
- 20,941
Idiots At Work - Chronicles Of Workplace Stupidity
JUST LET ME ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS FIRST
Businesses are only as good as the people they hire. We've all come across people in stores, on the phone or in offices and wondered to ourselves "How did they get hired?" Well, sometimes there's not a lot out there to choose from. A questionnaire was sent out to Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations asking them to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. Here are some of their responses:
* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
* Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewers office.
* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RESUME OR RESUME NOT
In keeping with the "How did they get hired" question posed earlier, Fortune Magazine (July 21, 1997) put out an article which listed items from real resumes and cover letters. Here are some highlights:
* "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms. "
* "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
* "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. "
* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. "
* "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. "
* "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me. "
Source
JUST LET ME ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS FIRST
Businesses are only as good as the people they hire. We've all come across people in stores, on the phone or in offices and wondered to ourselves "How did they get hired?" Well, sometimes there's not a lot out there to choose from. A questionnaire was sent out to Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations asking them to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. Here are some of their responses:
* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
* Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewers office.
* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RESUME OR RESUME NOT
In keeping with the "How did they get hired" question posed earlier, Fortune Magazine (July 21, 1997) put out an article which listed items from real resumes and cover letters. Here are some highlights:
* "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms. "
* "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
* "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. "
* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. "
* "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. "
* "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me. "
Source
Golden_Silence
We moon when its sunny
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2006
- Posts
- 18,223
Why us men should not babysit
seeing the pics above reminded me of this one...
seeing the pics above reminded me of this one...
Last edited:
Hitenshi
tasty little snack
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2005
- Posts
- 1,134
WOOKSTER
Everything Die's !!!!
- Joined
- Jul 26, 2006
- Posts
- 4,580
"Mummy ,,,,,,,, Mummy,,,,,,,,,,Daddy's cut himself shaving"
"Oh Dear,,,,,,,,,Tell Daddy not to get any blood on the towels honey , OK"
"OK Mummy ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,But what do i do with his BALLS" !
I love that one !
"Oh Dear,,,,,,,,,Tell Daddy not to get any blood on the towels honey , OK"
"OK Mummy ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,But what do i do with his BALLS" !
I love that one !
Hitenshi
tasty little snack
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2005
- Posts
- 1,134
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
panty_inspector
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2004
- Posts
- 7,595
Hitenshi said:
ouch! that's the making of a cardiac arrest!
panty_inspector
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2004
- Posts
- 7,595
Hitenshi said:I know - poor lady!
But nothing beats this.... hahahhahah
i bet that guy's business is in the toilet
O.K. Here is my favorite...
A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible
permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and
eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however, very sensitive
about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines
for his personal aide.
The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice
anything different about me?"
The young officer answered, "why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice that you
have no ears."
The General got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better.
The General asked her the same question, " Do you notice anything different
about me?"
She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.
The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely
sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.
The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contact lenses."
The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" the General asked.
The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty
hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears."
Thanks for the laughs everyone...
A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible
permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marines and
eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however, very sensitive
about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines
for his personal aide.
The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice
anything different about me?"
The young officer answered, "why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice that you
have no ears."
The General got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better.
The General asked her the same question, " Do you notice anything different
about me?"
She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.
The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely
sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.
The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contact lenses."
The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" the General asked.
The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty
hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears."
Thanks for the laughs everyone...
Similar threads
