Being autistic, adhd and random stuff

[PMarky2]

I just generally associate coveralls with mechanics and engineers. Mechanic was funnier to picture, because it skews more tradmale, and the idea of a very conservative dude from the 60s wearing a baby onesie was really doing it for me

The image messed with my head nicely too!

 

[anthrodisiac]

I feel you. Hate shoes, am extremely picky about socks and shirts for similar reasons (fucking seams amirite), and ties are basically violence. Ties are the thing I miss the absolute least about spending all day in court, hands down.

On socks... My relationship with them is so conflicted, because walking around barefoot in a house with kids is a sensory landmine. On the other hand, if they aren't my comfy socks, agreed they gotta go as soon as the shoes come off. I've found Smartwool and Bombas make socks that I can wear all day. Anyone else, forget it!

Here's something for the crowd - temperature. If you have to choose, are you more comfortable being a little too hot or a little too cold?

It's "too cold" for me when it hits maybe low 40s? But you get me into the mid-80s and I'm done, man. If I feel even a little hot I'm so miserable. For someone who's never lived outside Southern California, I'm a freak

Meanwhile, everyone around me runs for a parka when it hits 65. I'm the happiest little dino when we're in the low-60s.

 

[stickygirl]

I know this isn't really appropriate here, well maybe a little. I just couldn't find a better place, I'm new. Okay, point. I read the rules, and it says that distributing personal information of site users is prohibited. But I'm a user now. Can I share my personal information?

Think of lit as the same as any street corner- if it’s safe for you to shout whatever it is to passing strangers then it’s safe for lit. Take care because the web is full of creeps.

 

[Maksvel_Buger]

Think of lit as the same as any street corner- if it’s safe for you to shout whatever it is to passing strangers then it’s safe for lit. Take care because the web is full of creeps.

This didn't help me clarify the situation. I might be paranoid, just a little-tiny bit.

 

[stickygirl]

This didn't help me clarify the situation. I might be paranoid, just a little-tiny bit.

To spell it out... don't
give your name; your address; your email address; your phone number; your date of birth either in the forums or in private messages. That ought to cover most things.
As an example, I let people know I'm autistic, I'm transgender, I'm pansexual, I'm from the UK and that's all people need to know.
I hope this helps

 

[Maksvel_Buger]

To spell it out... don't
give your name; your address; your email address; your phone number; your date of birth either in the forums or in private messages. That ought to cover most things.
As an example, I let people know I'm autistic, I'm transgender, I'm pansexual, I'm from the UK and that's all people need to know.
I hope this helps

This is already clearer, you can talk about yourself, but not in such a way that you can be identified.

 

[PMarky2]

The wife is going through one of those sessions when she sees the ND rather than me, which is somewhat distressing. She's currently going through a phase of telling me I am info dumping every time I do it, which means I feeling compelled to mask at home. I was glad to see BAF and her family yesterday. It gave me a break. She was relaxed enough to be a happy little which was lovely to see.

 

[env789]

The wife is going through one of those sessions when she sees the ND rather than me, which is somewhat distressing. She's currently going through a phase of telling me I am info dumping every time I do it, which means I feeling compelled to mask at home. I was glad to see BAF and her family yesterday. It gave me a break. She was relaxed enough to be a happy little which was lovely to see.

That's very painful to experience, needing to mask in one's own home. I went through that the first couple years after my dx. It led to a deep depression. I came out the other side of that with a lot of therapeutic and pharma assistance, and decided to just stop masking at home and let my partner deal.

It was risky, and I'm not sharing this to advocate for my method. I just couldn't see another way out short of detonating my relationship entirely. Eventually she came to accept it. I came to understand her upset. She married the masked version of me. It couldn't have been easy dealing with me working through figuring out who I actually am after 40 years of cosplaying normal (with middling success at best and at great psychological cost).

Anyway! I can empathize. Having to mask in the place that is meant to be your sanctuary is very rough. I hope you work out a way forward together.

 

[PMarky2]

That's very painful to experience, needing to mask in one's own home. I went through that the first couple years after my dx. It led to a deep depression. I came out the other side of that with a lot of therapeutic and pharma assistance, and decided to just stop masking at home and let my partner deal.

It was risky, and I'm not sharing this to advocate for my method. I just couldn't see another way out short of detonating my relationship entirely. Eventually she came to accept it. I came to understand her upset. She married the masked version of me. It couldn't have been easy dealing with me working through figuring out who I actually am after 40 years of cosplaying normal (with middling success at best and at great psychological cost).

Anyway! I can empathize. Having to mask in the place that is meant to be your sanctuary is very rough. I hope you work out a way forward together.

These things go phases. My wife married me knowing I have an indoor face and an outdoor face, but we did not know what cause that my outdoor face is my mask until I was diagnosed last year. So, for the first 25 years of our marriage I was weird not defective in her eyes. Apart from occasionally getting frustrated with me, she regarded it as simply being weird that I usually eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch, she was fine with my silences, and with the special interests until it had a name and became a disease in her eyes.

I began to strongly suspect I was some sort of ND when I noticed just how many of my friends were either level-1 ASD or ADHD. It took about a year to get diagnosed, and it was not a case of 'yeah - you are Autistic' but rather a complex mix of OCD, ASD, and ADHD, which I share with the person I call BAF.

 

[Strixaluco]

she was fine with my silences, and with the special interests until it had a name and became a disease in her eyes.

That is so backwards. Suddenly, when there's information it's not something that can be changed at will, she sounds like expecting you to. Autism isn't something to be cured, dammitm

 

[PMarky2]

That is so backwards. Suddenly, when there's information it's not something that can be changed at will, she sounds like expecting you to. Autism isn't something to be cured, dammitm

In fairness she has her own issues of the auto-immune variety that cause a different set of problems. In a sense she is trying to be helpful, but she is going about it the wrong way. I have found a big grin and a 'I think I know that!' can deflect many of her well-meant, but ill-directed comments, and it seems to be having a positive effect as I have noticed recently is that her phraseology is shifting away from 'different = wrong' towards 'different = different.' For my own part, I have learnt to ask for clarification when NT vagueness strikes which makes things more tolerable for me, though she is a bit confused as to why something like recycling has to have an allocated time slot.

 

[anthrodisiac]

In fairness she has her own issues of the auto-immune variety that cause a different set of problems. In a sense she is trying to be helpful, but she is going about it the wrong way. I have found a big grin and a 'I think I know that!' can deflect many of her well-meant, but ill-directed comments, and it seems to be having a positive effect as I have noticed recently is that her phraseology is shifting away from 'different = wrong' towards 'different = different.' For my own part, I have learnt to ask for clarification when NT vagueness strikes which makes things more tolerable for me, though she is a bit confused as to why something like recycling has to have an allocated time slot.

Might be worth a convo if you haven't had one already. Sometimes people have pre-conceived notions about autism, and the diagnosis could be causing a complete mental reframe for her, which erases a lot of the context of your life together and replaces it with something else that colors her memories differently. It's pretty common in all sorts of situations. Sometimes talking it out bluntly, starting off by making sure both of you are okay with doing so, with the understanding that the goal is to make sure both of you have a fuller understanding of the other and are trying to help answer questions or provide clarifications, coming from a place of love, is incredibly beneficial to clearing the air so you don't have to keep expending so much energy feeling like you have to hide, and she doesn't have to keep wondering about a whole bunch of things and can maybe offer you some guidance about things that would be helpful to her as well. Two-way street, you know?

 

[PMarky2]

Might be worth a convo if you haven't had one already. Sometimes people have pre-conceived notions about autism, and the diagnosis could be causing a complete mental reframe for her, which erases a lot of the context of your life together and replaces it with something else that colors her memories differently. It's pretty common in all sorts of situations. Sometimes talking it out bluntly, starting off by making sure both of you are okay with doing so, with the understanding that the goal is to make sure both of you have a fuller understanding of the other and are trying to help answer questions or provide clarifications, coming from a place of love, is incredibly beneficial to clearing the air so you don't have to keep expending so much energy feeling like you have to hide, and she doesn't have to keep wondering about a whole bunch of things and can maybe offer you some guidance about things that would be helpful to her as well. Two-way street, you know?

There is an ongoing Q & A session, which helps enormously. My wife is fairly good at finding stuff out on her own, so she has done quite a bit of research into ASD and ADHD. She asks questions about how the two conditions affect me and interact, which is good, and she makes her observations, which can backfire when her phraseology is 'judgey' and comes across as unjust. One big issue, once she retired, was the amount of time I like to spend on my own, which she used to take as a personal affront. I've always known that I need that time to recharge and I used to think I was strongly introverted, but actually it is to give me a break from masking.

I'm similarly curious about her autoimmune problems, but the difficulty there is that they have not yet been able to giver her a good solid diagnosis, so we are not exactly sure what she is dealing with, though we are both fairly well up on the consequences. I would not say this to her, but really rather suspect that the number of unknowns I am dealing with find the weak spots that go with my combination of ASD, ADHD, and OCD. I know the number of unknowns tend to make her quite negative and depressed making a difficult situation, for both of us, worse.

Knowing BAF and her family has been a God-send. She in ND is a similar way to me, so I can totally switch off the mask when I am with her. Because her family are used to BAF, they tend to understand where I am coming from, so I can give myself permission not to mask or mask minimally around them, which is also a huge blessing.

 

[stickygirl]

There is an ongoing Q & A session, which helps enormously. My wife is fairly good at finding stuff out on her own, so she has done quite a bit of research into ASD and ADHD. She asks questions about how the two conditions affect me and interact, which is good, and she makes her observations, which can backfire when her phraseology is 'judgey' and comes across as unjust. One big issue, once she retired, was the amount of time I like to spend on my own, which she used to take as a personal affront. I've always known that I need that time to recharge and I used to think I was strongly introverted, but actually it is to give me a break from masking.

I'm similarly curious about her autoimmune problems, but the difficulty there is that they have not yet been able to giver her a good solid diagnosis, so we are not exactly sure what she is dealing with, though we are both fairly well up on the consequences. I would not say this to her, but really rather suspect that the number of unknowns I am dealing with find the weak spots that go with my combination of ASD, ADHD, and OCD. I know the number of unknowns tend to make her quite negative and depressed making a difficult situation, for both of us, worse.

Knowing BAF and her family has been a God-send. She in ND is a similar way to me, so I can totally switch off the mask when I am with her. Because her family are used to BAF, they tend to understand where I am coming from, so I can give myself permission not to mask or mask minimally around them, which is also a huge blessing.

We hey buddy - this is the place you can sound off. I'm glad the two of you are making progress.

I remember greeting a past gf with the worst possible words when I got home and she appeared unexpectedly "Oh, it's you." I hate myself so much for saying that, but I wasn't diagnosed then and neither of us knew I needed time to decompress after work....<- there - I said it out loud!

 

[env789]

We hey buddy - this is the place you can sound off. I'm glad the two of you are making progress.

I remember greeting a past gf with the worst possible words when I got home and she appeared unexpectedly "Oh, it's you." I hate myself so much for saying that, but I wasn't diagnosed then and neither of us knew I needed time to decompress after work....<- there - I said it out loud!

Whomst among us doesn't have a mental library of fumbles and fuckups from before our dx to haunt us.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Whomst among us doesn't have a mental library of fumbles and fuckups from before our dx to haunt us.

You only have the one library? Lucky...

My libraries are after, though

 

[env789]

You only have the one library? Lucky...

My libraries are after, though

The cool thing about a mental library of ruminations is it expands to fit its contents

 

[anthrodisiac]

The cool thing about a mental library of ruminations is it expands to fit its contents

Until it starts to collapse under its own gravity and form a black hole. I'm about two social fuckups away from a singularity.

 

[stickygirl]

Until it starts to collapse under its own gravity and form a black hole. I'm about two social fuckups away from a singularity.

Circling my singularity was the thing that saved me: I fired off a distress flare and my counsellor threw me a life line and... here I am still My job now is to keep a look out for parachute flares

 

[PMarky2]

We hey buddy - this is the place you can sound off. I'm glad the two of you are making progress.

I remember greeting a past gf with the worst possible words when I got home and she appeared unexpectedly "Oh, it's you." I hate myself so much for saying that...

I've done that one too. I wished I could have found a hole big enough to hide in afterwards.

 

[anthrodisiac]

At least when you realize you screwed up, your NT translation software is working. To me, it's always so much worse when I just can't understand for the life of me how something bothered somebody. It happens a lot less nowadays than it did before I really started to make a concerted effort to deconstruct and learn how to speak fluent Ent, but it still crops up every once in a while and it's so frustrating. It really shows how stark a difference in brains there can be between ND and Ent, especially when all the Ents agree that what you did was really rude.

Last year, my mom was going on and on about the Telepathy Tapes (dumb thing where low-functioning auts can apparently read minds; just utter horseshit), and I told her that I found it offensive and that the "science" behind it was incredibly flawed. You think that, lived experience, having been my brother's occupational therapist when I was just a kid, taking care of low-functioning auts for other people, all that, that she'd value my opinion, given she isn't on the spectrum. No, she sat on it for a month then told me how disrespectful it was to say that in front of other people, that it made her feel stupid and that I was being close-minded. Not that I butted in or interrupted, but that I came in "hot." She didn't see how it felt offensive for me, that same "auts are superhuman" argument that others us more and makes us some freaky magical creatures rather than human. All the Ents in my family agreed that it was rude, but my ND brother didn't understand why it was a big deal, either. He didn't necessarily agree that it was offensive, but he didn't see why it was rude.

Still don't get how that's rude to point out the flaws in the "science," given that I actually knew something about the tapes, having listened to a couple rebuttals from actual scientists, not the pseudo-science people that made the podcast she was raving about. I even sent her the link to one of the podcasts where they very thoughtfully went over what was wrong about it, which she never listened to.

Ents, man

 

[Strixaluco]

To me, it's always so much worse when I just can't understand for the life of me how something bothered somebody.

The example you told... Why they can't comprehend how offensive it is is beyond me.

I have this in other ways usually - ending up in an argument without understanding how it happened. Knowing they get me wrong but can't understand why. These days my main way of avoiding this are avoiding more NT type of circles and seriously limiting social contact when getting exhausted.

 

[env789]

Still don't get how that's rude to point out the flaws in the "science," given that I actually knew something about the tapes, having listened to a couple rebuttals from actual scientists, not the pseudo-science people that made the podcast she was raving about. I even sent her the link to one of the podcasts where they very thoughtfully went over what was wrong about it, which she never listened to.

Ents, man

Yeah, that Telepathy Tapes stuff was some ableist horseshit. It was a neat little curiosity until the autism angle came up. I don't think people grasp how minimizing it is to be told the thing that makes daily life a social, emotional, and cognitive tightrope walk is "actually a superpower." They can't really understand, I know they have no frame of reference on account of the literal brain differences and all, but it's still so galling. And then you call them out, and magically somehow you're the asshole for challenging their unconscious biases. About YOUR OWN condition.

Indeed, man. Big

 

[PMarky2]

Autism is not a superpower, but it is a different way of perceiving the world. Sometimes being different can be useful; sometimes not. The superpower thing ignores how bloody difficult it can make things - especially when one has put one's foot in it past your armpit with a Normie, especially a Normie you care about. If I screw up with another ND, we usually get past it with the rough equivalent of "sorry - I goofed; none of us are normal!" No such luck with the Normies.

As I get older, and further up the occupational food chain, I am getting more and more inclined to deal with Normies on my own terms. The fact that my autism is often taken for just being "donnish" is no problem given that I am an academic, it allows me to engage with Normies on my own terms, and in situations where neither side will excessively annoy the other. If I need to unwind I tend to seek out other NDs - that way, I do not have explain - they get it. On the other hand, there are times when I just need to retreat into myself. I was diagnosed not quite a year ago, and I am still trying to get a handle on it in some ways. The real shocker is just how pervasive Autism and ADHD is in terms of how I function. It influences most things about me, including my sexuality. My deepest relationships tend to be with other NDs, but they may not be sexual in the conventional sense.

Still working on a lot of this stuff...

 

[stickygirl]

Urgh, yeah - superpowers
There are so many examples in recent history where NTs have mass-deluded themselves, hearing only what they want to hear. So that example you cited @anthrodisiac doesn't surprise me at all. The reason it hurts so much is that it is your family and since shooting them is illegal, you just have to deal with it. Maybe view it from above, objectively? I have an uncle who will go to his grave convinced that I will detransition one day - he will persist in keeping in touch with me and I'm too polite to do the right thing and tell him to FR off.