Bi but...?

[Britva415]

Does this mean they say they were bi?

That's like asking if the people in "marriages of convenience" back when deep closeting was common were "not gay."

Except that a bi person being monogamously faithful does not imply that they're closeted.

The answer is no. There is a stereotype that bi people can't be monogamously faithful. That's all it is - a stereotype.

what does the bi partner do about the fact that the sex is '50% fulfilling'?

That's like asking what someone does when they're into both blondes and brunettes too, when the sex us unfulfilling because their spouse is only one or the other. Or what someone does when they're into threesomes but the spouse is not two people.

If one can't have 100% fulfilling sex with one partner, it has nothing to do with sexual orientation, though it might have to do with a person's "monogamy-orientation." There's probably a real word for this, but it's the idea that some people say they can't be monogamous and only will do polyamorous or other types of open relationships. This is a completely separate matter from sexual orientation.

Role playing? Erotica featuring the other gender? People have said about this, "Well, you are just committed to your partner once you seal the deal."

Sure - a person or a couple can do any of those things. And this monogamy-assuming idea about commitment is a default, but it isn't the only way to be committed.

So your loving mate just blows away all those other desires?

This doesn't have anything to do with bisexuality. See above. A monogamous person of any orientation or gender is very likely to experience attraction and desire for other people besides the one they're monogamously committed to. It doesn't mean they can't be faithful.

What do engaged couples with a bi partner say to each other?

Everyone's different. The important part is that they talk about it, and see whether they're on the same page or not.

My marriage is open. Not polyamorous, but yes nonmonogamous. It actually has nothing to do with my being bisexual.

 

[Britva415]

When someone's not sexually active do they say they "were" straight (or gay or whatever their sexual orientation "was")?

 

[ColtonWrites]

A monogamous relationship is in no way "50% fulfilling" to a bi person. Any more than committing to a relationship and not having straight sex with anyone else is unfulfilling. (Im neither straight nor mono so cannot speak to that)

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I am intrigued by writing a story where one of the members of a couple identify as bi. They are faithfully married to their spouse. Does this mean they say they were bi? ...

Maybe I'm missing something. In many countries today, a bi person could easily be married to a partner of the same sex. Would you ask the same question of this hypothetical spouse?

 

[Britva415]

Maybe I'm missing something. In many countries today, a bi person could easily be married to a partner of the same sex. Would you ask the same question of this hypothetical spouse?

Hypothetically, I don't see why they wouldn't. "I were bi, but now I'm gay because married."

 

[ColtonWrites]

Maybe I'm missing something. In many countries today, a bi person could easily be married to a partner of the same sex. Would you ask the same question of this hypothetical spouse?

IME, people often assume bi people who settle down with a same sex partner switched orientations to gay.

 

[Britva415]

Bi erasure is infuriating.

 

[redgarters]

 

[TheWritingGroup]

IME, people often assume bi people who settle down with a same sex partner switched orientations to gay.

This is just hard to follow for me. I'm about as straight as anyone, but ... "You claim to like two things, but since you are only currently holding one of those things, you must have stopped liking the other one." Really?

"I like both reading novels and playing tennis."

"But you're playing tennis now, so you must have given up reading for pleasure."

What?

 

[ElectricBlue]

This is just hard to follow for me. I'm about as straight as anyone, but ... "You claim to like two things, but since you are only currently holding one of those things, you must have stopped liking the other one." Really?

"I like both reading novels and playing tennis."

"But you're playing tennis now, so you must have given up reading for pleasure."

What?

There are some views being expressed in this thread that come straight out of the 1950s, with regard to... just about everything to do with sexuality, really. As you suggest, truly bizarre.

 

[EmilyMiller]

There are some views being expressed in this thread that come straight out of the 1950s, with regard to... just about everything to do with sexuality, really. As you suggest, truly bizarre.

So glad someone other than me said it first!

 

[Britva415]

This is just hard to follow for me. I'm about as straight as anyone, but ... "You claim to like two things, but since you are only currently holding one of those things, you must have stopped liking the other one." Really?

"I like both reading novels and playing tennis."

"But you're playing tennis now, so you must have given up reading for pleasure."

What?

The reality typically is more like "you were just experimenting, you were never tennissexual after all. You finally [pick one] got off the fence and figured yourself out! / chose the closet!"

And this is NOT some 1950s shit. This is the kind of bi erasure that's still with us in the 21st century, and it often comes from other queers, not just from straight people who don't get it.

 

[ElectricBlue]

And this is NOT some 1950s shit. This is the kind of bi erasure that's still with us in the 21st century, and it often comes from other queers, not just from straight people who don't get it.

That's the sad bit, seventy years on.

 

[EmilyMiller]

and it often comes from other queers, not just from straight people who don't get it.

Sadly true

 

[Britva415]

Although, to be fair, a married monogamous bi person does give something up. They don't give up being bi, but

Do we say that straight people who give up sex with almost 100% of their potential partners aren't straight anymore, or like maybe they're only a teeny little bit more than 0% straight, because they got married and gave everyone else up?

 

[TheWritingGroup]

@Britva415, it isn't that I'm denying the phenomenon exists. I just find the reasoning hard to fathom.

 

[Britva415]

@Britva415, it isn't that I'm denying the phenomenon exists. I just find the reasoning hard to fathom.

what phenomenon?

 

[TheRedChamber]

There are some views being expressed in this thread that come straight out of the 1950s, with regard to... just about everything to do with sexuality, really. As you suggest, truly bizarre.

I went back and checked and, apart from the OP and someone reporting (negatively) a real life conversation, everyone else is up-to-date in their progressive views.

For what its worth, as a formerly 90% het 10% gay mostly bottom bi guy who is now in a 100% straight monogomous marriage, I'm not going to deny I miss that 10% very occassionally (well about 10% of the time) and that, for me, hetrosexual sex and gay sex alway hit differently.

Although more than anything I miss being young.

 

[Britva415]

I can have 100% fulfilling sex in a monogamous relationship while still thinking about or missing other sex that isn't what I get in that relationship. The two don't have anything to do with each other.

If sex with a partner isn't 100% fulfilling, it isn't because "they aren't a [whatever-other-gender]," it's because we're not compatible or not present or not trying or not [some other relationship issue between just the two of us].

Somebody isn't 0.0000001% fulfilled in their monogamous sexual relationship because of the 99.999999% of potential partners they can't fuck anymore.

 

[Ianus4]

For me, it’s somewhat questionable from the outset whether there are clear definitions and boundaries for straight, gay, and bisexual identities in the 21st century, when sex and gender are distinct from one another. For example, if a cis man is attracted not only to AFAB women but also to trans women, does that make him bisexual? Especially considering that gay men are generally not attracted to trans women. Would the gender of the object of attraction be the determining factor? Because a trans woman and a feminine femboy can evoke very similar feelings of attraction in the same person. And should attraction to a non-binary person be defined based on their bits? Would gynosexual, androsexual, and androgynosexual (and gynoromantic, etc.) be better terms?

 

[LargoKitt]

Maybe I'm missing something. In many countries today, a bi person could easily be married to a partner of the same sex. Would you ask the same question of this hypothetical spouse?

Doesn't matter. Same sex, different sex. They have chosen one partner but have two 'needs.'

 

[LargoKitt]

I think this isn't much different from when someone is attracted to people of different skin colors, body types, or temperaments; their SO will still be a particular person.

"Fantasize about' or "be attracted to' is not the same as 'bisexual' to me. To me it means 'I fuck both men and women.' That is different, to me, from, 'I have fucked both men and women'. Lots of people have experimented. But to be in a committed relationship but say, "I AM bi" *seems* to say, 'I'm leaving my options open. Given the right circumstances I *want* to have a sexual experience with someone of the other gender.' I would assume that that might make certain partners nervous, even if they 'love you as you are'.

 

[Ianus4]

"Fantasize about' or "be attracted to' is not the same as 'bisexual' to me. To me it means 'I fuck both men and women.' That is different, to me, from, 'I have fucked both men and women'. Lots of people have experimented. But to be in a committed relationship but say, "I AM bi" *seems* to say, 'I'm leaving my options open. Given the right circumstances I *want* to have a sexual experience with someone of the other gender.' I would assume that that might make certain partners nervous, even if they 'love you as you are'.

So what is a virgin teenager supposed to say?

 

[TheWritingGroup]

what phenomenon?

Thinking, "Well, you're currently with a person of the opposite gender. That proves you can't still feel desire for people of some other gender."

 

[2xtourists]

There is a complex but fascinating issue in all this: whether it would be 'unfaithful' (sorry, really old-fashioned word!) if someone in a monogamous relationship had a sexual experience with somebody of their own gender. Since that experience is something that his/her partner physically can't provide, is it 'cheating' (an even worse word than 'unfaithful'!)?

Shameless plug coming up: my series, Ten Days in France, goes into this question (and others relating to boundaries) in detail, from the perspective of a devoted monogamous couple (my wife and I) when we meet our alter-egos.