Bringing a girl to her first orgasm?

[Sir Victor]

Wow. Really? I've never seen a woman cum on command. Maybe the OP should try commanding her to cum and see how that works out for him. Sounds like a GREAT strategy to me...

Oh fuck off, you know that was not what I meant, don't have time for your BS.

 

[Firebrain]

Wow. Really? I've never seen a woman cum on command. Maybe the OP should try commanding her to cum and see how that works out for him. Sounds like a GREAT strategy to me...

It does work for some women, but you can't just say, "do it!" There needs to be a build up of tension and trust. It's a submission thing. I actually find this kind of thing as effective as oral (though a combination is nice, it's not as sexy said through a mouthful of girl-parts).

 

[ClassyGirl]

It's really quite normal for somebody her age to have never orgasmed (le sigh).

I don't think I'd pressure her about oral. She's said that she doesn't want it, so don't push it (with that in mind, I don't think the blindfold idea would go down very well). I would focus on helping her to relax; look up some massage technique videos on Youtube (Indian head massage is a good place to start, and work your way down, so to speak!) and put them to good use. Get to a point where she's spread out and you're massaging everywhere but the very sensitive parts, and take your time. Tell her how much you enjoy being down there. Let her get aroused through the lack of touch, rather than direct touch.

I agree with liv21 -- talk to her about her fantasies. Tell her about yours (the ones involving her!). Get a dialogue going that's about good sex, not directly about orgasms.

I think this is probably the best idea to go with. Lack of touch is really good for build up.

 

[cordite]

I have been seeing a girl for about four months now and thus far failed to bring her to orgasm. I have been with a number of women in the past, and I have always been able to successfully bring them to orgasm within five "sexual encounters" (oral, fingering, etc.). In fact, prior to this, every girl I've had intercourse with I've gotten off.

I'm speculating and I only have what you've written above to work with so I apologize in advance for any incorrect assumptions. It sounds to me like you're fixated more on specific steps and statistics rather that what turns your partner on. The former may or may not work since it relies on blind luck. The latter will always work.

I don't think you are going to learn much more or get more comfortable after four months.

You have a lot to learn, IMO, if you truly think that. You always learn more unless you're not paying attention. You have to. You and your partner are not static. You both learn and change and grow over time.

The one thing that she doesn't permit, which is kind of annoying, is that she will not let me go down on her. From prior experience, I know a lot of girls need to be orally stimulated, so this might be part of the holdup.

If you want to solve this then your needs have to take the backseat. It's an inconvenience for you but it could be a real issue for her. I had a partner that wouldn't let me eat her out and that's something that I crave. From talking to her (seems to be a theme to your threads ) I found out it was a cleanliness issue for her. She was willing to if we immediately showered beforehand.

That's just one possible explanation of many. Short version: you need to talk to her. You're not going to randomly run across a solution.

If she can't bring herself to orgasm, then chances are, you aren't going to either. She has to know her own body and be comfortable with it.

I admit, it was easier to quote and agree with this rather than type it up myself.

And, to the person suggesting there's something medically wrong, I can almost be certain there's nothing medically wrong with her just because she hasn't had an orgasm yet. The worst thing to do would be to suggest there's something wrong with her because she hasn't had one. It will come. The fact that she hasn't had one isn't worrying. It just means she hasn't played around enough. There's nothing wrong with that.

I took it as she could have a physical condition or something that makes it unpleasant for her. I know some friends for whom this is a problem.

 

[CelticKnotted]

After looking at the OP's other posts, I have to wonder if he wants his partner to orgasm for the sake of her satisfaction or because it strokes his ego.

Partially my satisfaction--not for an ego boost, I think I am confident enough, but I am just a very emotionally sensitive person. I don't mean that in an emo way, more that I tend to absorb emotions from those around me if that makes sense. If I go to a wake and I see a person that I care about in anguish, even if I may not be personally moved by the loss, I am moved to tears by their anguish. Similarly, by far one of my biggest turn-ons is watching a woman orgasm. It is an incredibly sexy thing to watch a person let go and be completely in the throes of the single greatest physical pleasure we can experience. Ever watch "I Feel Myself" or "Beautiful Agony"? Best porn out there.

But I also care a lot about my partner enjoying herself. I care a lot about her and want her to be having as much fun as I am.

Part of the reason you might think that I am totally in this for myself is my writing style. I'm kind of terrible at expressing my emotions in writing. It tends to be very direct and analytic. Useful in my profession, but it makes it tough to show how I truly feel and (I think) how I act.

 

[CelticKnotted]

That does bring up some questions for me:

CelticKnotted, has your gf expressed concern about not orgasming, or is this primarily your issue? Has she asked you for help/suggestions/whatever? If so, have you referred her to therapy or even here so we can get first-hand information?

Yes, she says she wants to and we have talked about it casually. Like I said, I've never met a girl who didn't orgasm within a week of sleeping with her, so I am only a bit more knowledgeable than her. We've only talked about how it is mostly about relaxation and being comfortable, and I said not to really worry about it and that it would happen when it happened. I mostly just assured her that while it would be great if she had one, I would enjoy sex and orgasm with her either way.

As far as therapy, I sincerely doubt I could get her to go to any.

Also, what reason(s) has she given for not wanting oral?

I think it is just mostly about the taste and notion of consuming odorous bodily fluids. She has mentioned that she might let me do it if she was allowed to set a date and mentally prepare herself, but I figured that would be counterproductive. Everything I know and have experienced about sex suggests that spontaneity is always the best way to introduce something that a person is not comfortable with. Just having the person let go in the moment. Anticipation is only good when it is good anticipation.

Finally, do you know her background? Was she raised in a home where masturbation was frowned upon? Is there any abuse or assault there?

She seems to have been raised in a loving, healthy household with all of the normal hangups that parents have about their kids having sex, but not excessively so.

About two or three years ago, she confided in me (she has never told anyone else this), that her boyfriend effectively raped her. Basically, she had always denied him unprotected sex and one day (she dumped him immediately after), he held her down and had unprotected intercourse with her and then came on her dress and she had to walk come with a cum stained dress.

I know that fucked her up somewhat, and I have considered that it might go to the psychological root of this issue but I don't think it is. She never masturbated prior to this, she does not think that sex is dirty, painful, or traumatic. I think it mainly just damaged her trust in men and how she views relationships which I have been trying to ameliorate.

 

[CelticKnotted]

I see a ton of "I," "me," and "my" in his posts.

Like I said above, conveying emotion and empathy is not easy for me in writing. It is more of a technical flaw and while you're welcome to analyze it, I don't really think it is accurate. Anyone who knows me knows that I am empathetic almost to a fault.

I think the emphasis on the first person pronouns are more due to the fact that I can only control what I can do and think even if everything I do is completely selfless (I am not arrogant enough to think that it isn't).

 

[CelticKnotted]

Wow. Really? I've never seen a woman cum on command. Maybe the OP should try commanding her to cum and see how that works out for him. Sounds like a GREAT strategy to me...

No need to be sarcastic.

 

[CelticKnotted]

I'm speculating and I only have what you've written above to work with so I apologize in advance for any incorrect assumptions. It sounds to me like you're fixated more on specific steps and statistics rather that what turns your partner on. The former may or may not work since it relies on blind luck. The latter will always work.

Yeah, like I said, I'm not the most skilled writer and I apologize for my apparent lack of empathy and care to her situation. Hopefully that is more clear after my recent posts.

You have a lot to learn, IMO, if you truly think that. You always learn more unless you're not paying attention. You have to. You and your partner are not static. You both learn and change and grow over time.

I think I addressed this fairly well in post 17. I don't think that nothing changes and that there is nothing more to learn.

If you want to solve this then your needs have to take the backseat. It's an inconvenience for you but it could be a real issue for her. I had a partner that wouldn't let me eat her out and that's something that I crave. From talking to her (seems to be a theme to your threads ) I found out it was a cleanliness issue for her. She was willing to if we immediately showered beforehand.

LOL, I am not dying to go down on her (though I enjoy it). Mostly I want her to feel good, and I think that oral might help.

 

[CelticKnotted]

Wow....could have consolidated all of that into one thread lol.

Thanks for the thoughts guys!

 

[Adrraiya]

Yes, she says she wants to and we have talked about it casually. Like I said, I've never met a girl who didn't orgasm within a week of sleeping with her, so I am only a bit more knowledgeable than her. We've only talked about how it is mostly about relaxation and being comfortable, and I said not to really worry about it and that it would happen when it happened. I mostly just assured her that while it would be great if she had one, I would enjoy sex and orgasm with her either way.

As far as therapy, I sincerely doubt I could get her to go to any.



I think it is just mostly about the taste and notion of consuming odorous bodily fluids. She has mentioned that she might let me do it if she was allowed to set a date and mentally prepare herself, but I figured that would be counterproductive. Everything I know and have experienced about sex suggests that spontaneity is always the best way to introduce something that a person is not comfortable with. Just having the person let go in the moment. Anticipation is only good when it is good anticipation.



She seems to have been raised in a loving, healthy household with all of the normal hangups that parents have about their kids having sex, but not excessively so.

About two or three years ago, she confided in me (she has never told anyone else this), that her boyfriend effectively raped her. Basically, she had always denied him unprotected sex and one day (she dumped him immediately after), he held her down and had unprotected intercourse with her and then came on her dress and she had to walk come with a cum stained dress.

I know that fucked her up somewhat, and I have considered that it might go to the psychological root of this issue but I don't think it is. She never masturbated prior to this, she does not think that sex is dirty, painful, or traumatic. I think it mainly just damaged her trust in men and how she views relationships which I have been trying to ameliorate.

Rape.. Is RAPE... no matter how "effectively" or whatever it is worded...
in my own personal experience... it can be difficult to trust after having been raped..... and Trust has everything to do with letting-go & allowing orgasm to flow.....



If she has asked for mental preparation... then why not allow her that? I mean... okay your experience says that planning removes the spontaneity or whatever.... this isn't about you (or is it?)... if it really is about her then allow her whatever it is she needs to feel comfortable & confident


No matter what your past experiences are, you must consider that even experience isn't always reliable because no two people are the same....


This isn't coming out right... and I apologize.... but try to open your mind past whatever your previous experiences are.... and to remove the analytical notions that you are/have developed...

and feel it out rather than think it out.....

 

[SweetErika]

Rape.. Is RAPE... no matter how "effectively" or whatever it is worded...
in my own personal experience... it can be difficult to trust after having been raped..... and Trust has everything to do with letting-go & allowing orgasm to flow.....



If she has asked for mental preparation... then why not allow her that? I mean... okay your experience says that planning removes the spontaneity or whatever.... this isn't about you (or is it?)... if it really is about her then allow her whatever it is she needs to feel comfortable & confident


No matter what your past experiences are, you must consider that even experience isn't always reliable because no two people are the same....


This isn't coming out right... and I apologize.... but try to open your mind past whatever your previous experiences are.... and to remove the analytical notions that you are/have developed...

and feel it out rather than think it out.....

I think it came out exactly right and was beautifully put.

Issues with trust, power, control, self-esteem and guilt are just some of the aftereffects of sexual assault. They all have a hand in orgasm and our sexuality in general, and most survivors are extremely good at masking them. It's hard to imagine how pervasive the impacts are if you haven't experienced it. My life is still completely affected, even though it's been many years and I went through intensive therapy. Don't try to play an armchair psychologist on this one; refer her to sexual assault-specific therapy so she can deal with some of the things that are inevitably coming up for her. If she doesn't take the help, fine; maybe you should consider professional guidance for yourself in terms of being a supportive partner.

Plus, you can't even consider adding poly into the mix until she's as healthy as possible. Even if she agrees for now, the assault-related issues will almost certainly surface with a vengeance once the rubber meets the road. You could end up doing a lot of harm if you don't tread very, very carefully here.

You clearly do not have experience with this particular set of circumstances, so you shouldn't rely on your previous experiences in terms of surprising her with oral and such. If she'd like time to prepare, you need to give her that, period. The worst that can happen is you end up right where you are now, with no oral. The worst-case scenario with a surprise is doing some serious damage to her trust and such. Not good. Not good at all.

 

[micia_sira]

A lot of people have given their advice already, so I'm not sure if I can be of more help, but I'm willing to try.

I can say that I find you very thoughtful, after all. It shows that you care for this girl and that you want to make her feel at ease with you.

Basically, in a relationship, all is based on trust, even sex. Sometimes it's hard to trust, even if there seem to be no real reasons for it. Her talking about her issues with you is a sign that you haven't ignored, which is very important.

Even if we don't admit it, because we want to be independent and strong, we want to feel cherished and important to the man we love. Especially after her brute experience with her ex, it is very important that you make her feel safe with you. Tell her and show her by giving her the time she needs and follow her terms.

Maybe you could make her read selected posts and our replies to show her, what uncommitted persons suggest and how they feel about certain themes.

I'm confident that you'll figure it out together.

 

[Adrraiya]

I think it came out exactly right and was beautifully put.

Issues with trust, power, control, self-esteem and guilt are just some of the aftereffects of sexual assault. They all have a hand in orgasm and our sexuality in general, and most survivors are extremely good at masking them. It's hard to imagine how pervasive the impacts are if you haven't experienced it. My life is still completely affected, even though it's been many years and I went through intensive therapy. Don't try to play an armchair psychologist on this one; refer her to sexual assault-specific therapy so she can deal with some of the things that are inevitably coming up for her. If she doesn't take the help, fine; maybe you should consider professional guidance for yourself in terms of being a supportive partner.

Plus, you can't even consider adding poly into the mix until she's as healthy as possible. Even if she agrees for now, the assault-related issues will almost certainly surface with a vengeance once the rubber meets the road. You could end up doing a lot of harm if you don't tread very, very carefully here.

You clearly do not have experience with this particular set of circumstances, so you shouldn't rely on your previous experiences in terms of surprising her with oral and such. If she'd like time to prepare, you need to give her that, period. The worst that can happen is you end up right where you are now, with no oral. The worst-case scenario with a surprise is doing some serious damage to her trust and such. Not good. Not good at all.

SweetErica.... a million thanks...... for saying what I was not able to say in my reactive state of mind

CelticKnot.... Until you know more... and until you know how she feels about it... DO NOT.... and I MEAN DO NOT... Blindfold her & tie her down..... sure, it sounded like an idea you really liked... but SERIOUSLY.... the person who suggested it had no knowledge of this girls RAPE HISTORY.... this is something you don't just do to a rape victim unless/until they are READY FOR IT

You could do unimaginable amounts of harm... long-term major harm

and, yet... you position all of what you have said as if the rape is no big deal even though you know trust is a main component of orgasm.....

 

[grrlongrrrl]

At the risk of sounding like a man-hating lesbian, the real issue here seems to be your ego. All it takes is a week! Every girl I've ever come within five feet of! I can solve her problem! Look at this cock!! Pow! Bam!

Reading between the lines, it seems to me, regardless of whats she says in "casual conversation," she's nervous about sex and doesn't feel completely at ease with you, and I think you're subconsciously pressuring her. "Come on baby. I'll make you cum this time!"

Regardless of how awesome you think you are, unless you totally change your approach (not likely), those two factoids doom you to failure.

K

 

[CelticKnotted]

At the risk of sounding like a man-hating lesbian, the real issue here seems to be your ego. All it takes is a week! Every girl I've ever come within five feet of! I can solve her problem! Look at this cock!! Pow! Bam!

Reading between the lines, it seems to me, regardless of whats she says in "casual conversation," she's nervous about sex and doesn't feel completely at ease with you, and I think you're subconsciously pressuring her. "Come on baby. I'll make you cum this time!"

Regardless of how awesome you think you are, unless you totally change your approach (not likely), those two factoids doom you to failure.

K

Jesus Christ, did you not read anything of what I posted above or do you just think it is all lies and I am an egotistical douche trying to goad her into getting off?

You suggest that you are marginally confident in your ability to make a woman orgasm and you are suddenly an ego-driven maniac. These boards are funny places.

 

[Sir Victor]

She is a troll!

 

[grrlongrrrl]

You asked for opinions. You got mine.

K

Jesus Christ, did you not reading anything of what I posted above or do you just think it is all lies and I am an egotistical douche trying to goad her into getting off?

You suggest that you are marginally confident in your ability to make a woman orgasm and you are suddenly an ego-driven maniac. These boards are funny places.

 

[satindesire]

I wanted to step in here and just say this. Spontenaity is not the end-all-be-all of sex for every person. You may personally enjoy it, but not everyone does.

I, personally, prefer knowing ahead of time when my partner wants sex so I can prepare myself physically, because it makes me more comfortable during sex and makes it easier for me to be relaxed. If I'm more relaxed and calmer and more confident, I'll have a much easier time reaching orgasm. When sex is 'sprung' on me, I have a more difficult time reaching orgasm because I have not had time to prepare myself, in my opinion, "properly".

Your desire for totally spontaneous sex may SEEM like fun to you, but to a woman like her who seems like she would much rather have notice, you're causing her to feel like she can never know when to be 'ready' for intimacy. Sex can still have ALL the fun and intimacy when it's planned, you're not really removing anything out of the fun of sex when you give her time to get ready. And in her reality, you're doing her a favor and making HER more comfortable, and if you want her to relax and be able to be satisfied, her comfort is paramount.

 

[Dreamliner]

Engage your largest sex organ, your brain and get engaged with her feelings, senses, sight, taste, the little things that go a long way to pleasurable sexual experiences.

 

[iifiam]

Pay attention to her clit. Doing the wiggles while fingering will help you a bit, too GLHF BRO.

 

[phillyinjun]

This is a really serious issue and can be caused by multiple factors in her life, all of which folks here have already talked about.

My contribution is this - don't blame yourself. I am in the exact same position (except it has been years and we are married) and went through a spell of blame and then believed she was not attracted enough to me. Nearly ruined my marriage, I admit, until I understood how bewildered she herself was.

Because of people here, I am trying again to help her. We haven't seen a doctor or a counselor mainly because I didn't have the heart to hurt her feelings but I am starting to believe she is missing out on a big part of life because she is naturally sensual.

Hope this is encouraging.

 

[veryvera]

I think the fact she's been raped completely changes the game.. Some girls are slow to their own sexuality and discovering it, because they've grown up in a culture that says their sexuality isn't okay. So it might take them a long time to understand their own body and open up to their partners about their desires, their turn-ons and how they want to be touched.

But that's a whole different thing than being a victim recovering from past assault. I agree with whoever has pointed out that outside help may be needed. These are difficult things, and long processes. You've got to be very understanding of the process and very comforting and supportive for her going through it.

The things like "tying up and blindfolding her" may work in other circumstances but I absolutely agree with whoever said it is a bad idea considering she's been raped. It might "trigger" her and that is going to be upsetting for both of you but especially her.

You say you don't think it's the root cause of this - maybe not, but it's a big, big contributor. Your intentions are noble - you want her to enjoy her sexuality with you as much as you enjoy your own sexuality with her. I think communication, even about difficult issues, is the key.

 

[mrtomthumb]

Yes, she says she wants to and we have talked about it casually. Like I said, I've never met a girl who didn't orgasm within a week of sleeping with her, so I am only a bit more knowledgeable than her. We've only talked about how it is mostly about relaxation and being comfortable, and I said not to really worry about it and that it would happen when it happened. I mostly just assured her that while it would be great if she had one, I would enjoy sex and orgasm with her either way.

As far as therapy, I sincerely doubt I could get her to go to any.



I think it is just mostly about the taste and notion of consuming odorous bodily fluids. She has mentioned that she might let me do it if she was allowed to set a date and mentally prepare herself, but I figured that would be counterproductive. Everything I know and have experienced about sex suggests that spontaneity is always the best way to introduce something that a person is not comfortable with. Just having the person let go in the moment. Anticipation is only good when it is good anticipation.



She seems to have been raised in a loving, healthy household with all of the normal hangups that parents have about their kids having sex, but not excessively so.

About two or three years ago, she confided in me (she has never told anyone else this), that her boyfriend effectively raped her. Basically, she had always denied him unprotected sex and one day (she dumped him immediately after), he held her down and had unprotected intercourse with her and then came on her dress and she had to walk come with a cum stained dress.

I know that fucked her up somewhat, and I have considered that it might go to the psychological root of this issue but I don't think it is. She never masturbated prior to this, she does not think that sex is dirty, painful, or traumatic. I think it mainly just damaged her trust in men and how she views relationships which I have been trying to ameliorate.

that info should have been in the begining of the post.

Of course a girl that has been raped will have some issues..or at least a very good idea of what to look at if there are problems.

you have your hands full and I praise you in your willingness to try and be patient in what must be a frustrating situation. Here you are a caring man who has to deal with the damage that has been done to a young girl becoming a woman that you care for.

I must commend you because I think I would not be able to deal with it.

best of luck...

 

[mrtomthumb]

At the risk of sounding like a man-hating lesbian, the real issue here seems to be your ego. All it takes is a week! Every girl I've ever come within five feet of! I can solve her problem! Look at this cock!! Pow! Bam!

Reading between the lines, it seems to me, regardless of whats she says in "casual conversation," she's nervous about sex and doesn't feel completely at ease with you, and I think you're subconsciously pressuring her. "Come on baby. I'll make you cum this time!"

Regardless of how awesome you think you are, unless you totally change your approach (not likely), those two factoids doom you to failure.

K

I love this post!

It gives me hope that its not just men who are foolish,loudmouthed,bullies.

You might want to check with the other lesbians if they actually want a person like you "out there"as one of them.

They may make an exception for you and prefer you stay in the closet with the other trolls.