Bringing up my rape fantasy...

[InnerDarkness]

Karen Kraft...I want to thank you so much for sharing your experience and your story with us. That was very brave of you to recount all of that for our benefit. It sounds like you have done an awful lot of work on your own and with your doctor to learn more about what happened and what has happened to you.

I can certainly understand your fears...and it makes me sick to think that you have to go through life feeling that way and always wondering what the intentions of other men are.

Please..if you ever need to talk...just some faceless person to talk to...send me a message....

Your story truly touched me...

In mid-August 2002 I had just moved to town to start as a new freshman at a college on the West side of town (Los

 

[Madame Manga]

Karen Kraft, thank you for posting that. I'm so sorry that happened to you. My best wishes and support go out to you, for what it's worth. I'm glad that you are working to heal in your own way.

So colleges STILL don't warn new students that there are many people who make a career of violating the trust of young women (AND men) away from home for the first time. I thought that in the twenty-two years since I was a freshman that some people responsible for student welfare would have gotten a clue, especially in California. But apparently not.

Nothing like that ever happened to me, but only because I was lucky. As I say, I hadn't been warned by ANYONE. Not my parents, not my RAs, not my campus handbooks or freshman orientations. Did they think that good grades and SAT scores have squat to do with being wary about sexual assault? I can think of three distinct occasions in my freshman year alone where something dreadful could easily have been done to me if the people involved had chosen to. It didn't dawn on me until years later that I had even been in danger.

MM

 

[Karen Kraft]

A Good Warning

You are 100% right. sometimes we have to learn the hard way.

 

[SexySparkles]

Thanks for all of the advice and stories you have all shared.

So I brought it up. The other night we were chatting... We were talking about what we would give to just be able to have sex that night(It's been a LONG time since we've seen each other). So we just got to talkin' about it and stuff... So I just brought it up.

He just said rough sex really isn't his thing, but he would be willing to at least try it once to see how it works out for him. He says he understands that this is a big part of my healing process, and he wants to do anything to help me that he can.

So... eventually when we're back together, it looks like I'll be able to have my fantasy fufilled.

Now, it's not exactly how I want... I kinda brought up the rape thing, but not really.

I told him I have fantasies about my rape. How I would love, love, love to be tied down, and just have him do whatever he wanted... Fuck me hard... He says he'll try for me. And that's all I can ask of him.

 

[Karen Kraft]

Bondage v. Rape

Karen.

 

[Derya]

Comments

He just said rough sex really isn't his thing, but he would be willing to at least try it once to see how it works out for him. He says he understands that this is a big part of my healing process, and he wants to do anything to help me that he can.

He says he'll try for me. And that's all I can ask of him.



SS as I read your post I was going to offer a suggestion and then saw that you had, had the opportunity already to speak with your b/f on your concern with relatively good response. I agree with many of the other posting here and applaud you on your efforts to continue your healing and exploring your sexuality. I think what I was going to suggest may still be helpful...you had stated that your b/f was not real adventurous (like not into role playing etc) and yet he has answered that he will work with you to explore the possibilities of this. Maybe even as you approach this you can consider other roleplay too that is of a different nature. He may find that there are angles that entice him in different scenarios that he may not have considered (and you may particularly enjoy too in addition to this fantasy you already feel strongly drawn to participate in) that may ease his 'nervousness' with this and provide the win/win of adding to your, what sounds like a very healthy relationship.

Your last comment there and his willingness to listen and communicate and try to understand your needs are great to see in a couple and in a relationship. That really appears to be a strength for you as a couple and I hope that continues for you. You show respect for his comfort level as he as for yours and that is beautiful. I hope things continue well for you.

I thank all of you who have responded on this thread so very much for your candor, your willlingness to share, and your intelligent comments. It is so true that there is so much to learn through sharing. Regardless of one's own experience at any given time you never know (as you ladies can well attest) when this crime of rape may affect your life somehow or that of someone you care about or when you can help someone with your awareness or knowledge (for instance I have been a crisis hotline counselor and I have learned from you all today).

I am not a victim of abuse or rape, however, I did have an experience as a child that was humiliating, involved loss of my control and had a somewhat sexual nature to it. It was not criminal in nature it was third grade girls being curious and cliquish children, but had its hurt and embarassment and effects on feelings regardless. And underlines I think that violence does not have to the be a factor for loss of control of one's self or choices to be the main issue (of course ANY action or crime with violence adds an additional level of harm and need for healing to a situation) There were four of us girls in the bathroom at school and I do not remember how we started on this but we were into discussing what we looked like in our genital areas and somehow it turned to somebody show and tell or the like. The other three girls were a little more of a clique and (again I'm fuzzy after years on how) somehow I became the one that they together decided to force to take off her panties and let them have show and tell. So three of them together got my panties off and as a child uncomfortable with what was happening, but not wanting to "not fit" once my bottom was disrobed and they wanted to look I let them. I did not keep the situation to myself shared the embarassment etc. with my parents, spoke to pediatrician at the time, and the girls apologized immediately after and we discussed a couple of times over the years (as we went all through school together) the silliness and stupidity of the actions. And as an adult I have shared in therapy (although my therapy essentially was for coping issues completely unrelated to sexual issues). I have always understood no harm was intended yet even in a situation where there was no intentions to hurt, harm did occur. Your discussions of some of the fantasy or roleplay needs draw my interest as I have similiar fantasies to those mentioned here and your discussions have given me food for thought. I do not think this experience is the only source of why such fantasies say of loss of control for example are stimulating to me, but I'm sure it has its place in having influenced my sexuality. Again your comments have enlightened me and given me some insight.

Finally I am fortunate in that I with hindsight believe I truly by the grace of God and my intuition avoided a situation of harm some ten years ago or so while traveling where I believe I was drugged or at least an attempt to truly drug me was made. I am thankful that I sensed two things 1) a discomfort for how a couple in the bar I was at, addressed me and not understanding a few comments they made to me as I went to the bathroom such as "having fun yet, you will soon" (I didn't feel weird at all yet at that moment, but could not discern why they were speaking to me like that or what the hell it meant) and 2) that the moment I felt overwhelmingly "sleepy" unable to focus after a sip or two of a draft beer that I had left unattended at the bar that I said this is not normal, no reason to feel this drunk, I'm alone so I need to get to a safe place. I did not at that time or for a while after even consider that I had been drugged, at the time I just thought after jet lag, tiredness, and lots of motion sickness medicine over a few days that I was just too zoncked, but regardless I instintively reacted knowing it was not good to be in that state for any reason. I left the bar immediately and forced myself to be extra alert returning to my car which fortunately was parked in a guarded military garage. I could not drive or even remain awake hardly a moment longer...I locked the doors to the car, put the seat back and slept for 3 or 4 hours, and it was a very dreamlike state as I would kind of wake as I heard cars come and go in the garage etc. As I said with hindsight I am certain I was drugged, forunately reacted before much was in my system, and God was with me, but it makes me think, and be thankful repeatedly to have not met with harm.

Thank you again all for your sharing and I hope my sharing gives some insight to others also.

 

[Karen Kraft]

WOW

I found your post very moving and, needless to say, hitting home for me very effectively. Thanks for posting it; I wish others will do the same. ::big hug::

Karen.

 

[TheOlderGuy]

just wanted to say

i think this is one of the
most thoughtful collections of writings
that i've seen in a thread here

i have neither raped
nor been raped

but i could feel poignantly
the evolving feelings of each of the women
who spoke here
and appreciate the depth
of the advice each one had

i applaud you all
for having the courage
and the love to share it here

i don't think that there's much i could add
except to emphasize the importance
of trust in your relationships
and safewords in your play,
not so much for safety
as for clarity of communication
between the two of you, in a situation
in which each of you
can be easily disoriented.
that you have come to understand
that these fantasies are your way out
of the armor of your past
is a beautiful thing

best wishes to each of you

 

[Karen Kraft]

Thanks, Older,

 

[TheOlderGuy]

Thanks, Older, I liked reading what you said. My interest in sex has evolved in some unusual ways, in that I have had some bizarre experiences and I like writing about even more bizarre fictional events in my short stories. Mostly I take a true story, either about me or about someone I know personally, and move the times and events around to allow for substantial exaggeration on fantasy, hopefully to make the stories more erotic and fun. In real life, however, except for being bisexual, my interests are pure vanilla. Not into bondage, pain, or any of the erotic games I enjoy writing about. When I have explored any of these with love partners, it always had two very negative effects: first, I never found the experience as exciting in being played out as I did in my imagining it; and second, having played it out (or having attempted to play it out), much of the magic that once propelled the fantasy erotically was lessened or lost. After the August 2002 rape, not only did my interest in guys disappear (temporarily I suspect -- as I plan to start dating guys again this month, but also, my interest in erotic experimentation disappeared as well, leaving me just a mostly average Midwestern girl, keeping safe in the big city.

well, i really meant it. i can't relate to either end of the rape question, but non-consent fantasies i can. and i think it's incredibly healthy that all of you seem to recognize how to heal yourselves, and not let the experience cripple you. and i also commend you for taking the time you needed to readjust to the idea of being with a man again. choose carefully, but don't be afraid to have fun. personally i recommend that you avoid the boys, and try to find an older man who has grown up enough (not all of them have) to appreciate the value of a woman. and if you'd like to do a role play here, we should explore the possibilities. sometimes the writing can be helpful. btw, from where i'm standing, i'd guess you're anything but average.

sweet dreams.................................TOG

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Karen Kraft]

I told my bf (new since 4th of July weekend) about my fantasies; I was surprised to find that he was neither shocked nor judgmental in that regard (not that he is judgmental at all, actually). I feel so much happier now that I let him know what was going on in my mind.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[TheOlderGuy]

I told my bf (new since 4th of July weekend) about my fantasies; I was surprised to find that he was neither shocked nor judgmental in that regard (not that he is judgmental at all, actually). I feel so much happier now that I let him know what was going on in my mind.

glad to hear that, keekee
and why should he be judgmental
he hasn't walked in your shoes.
i'm happy that things are working out for you
and that the monsters under the bed
are shrinking in the light of day

 

[warrior queen]

Alright... I've been through lots of abuse from my father and mother in the past. Also with past boyfriends. Once upon a time, I WAS raped. It was a horrible, horrible experience that took me a LONG time to get through.

Now I'm finally coming to terms with it. Realizing that maybe it wasn't my fault. But now I fantasize about it. I would NEVER wish to be raped again. However, I would LOVE to do it in a role playing type situation with my boyfriend.

Right now it's a long distance relationship. So I don't have to worry about it for a while. I'm just wanting to know how to bring it up without freaking him out. Because he was with me the whole time I was working through getting over my rape.

Neither one of us have ever been in the whole role playing type situation, but I really, really think I would like this. I think I've been through so much abuse in my life... that it's kinda starting to turn me on now. Having someone taking advantage of me and treat me like I'm a piece of shit. I think it's just happened so much that I'm trying to turn it into something positive or something.

I know a lot of people are going to think this is wrong. Don't bring up the I need help shit. That's NOT what I'm asking for. I wanna know how to bring this up to someone.

I know in the role playing situation... especially with something like this, it has to be with someone who you have an insane amount of trust with. I've been with this guy for over a year, and I'm still kinda worried about it...

Thanks for any advive anyone can give!

i would not call this a 'rape fantasy' during conversation to introduce it....

maybe a better way to describe it would be 'rough play' or something like that.

calling it 'rape' fantasy, is gonna freak him out no matter what if he's the one who saw you go through all the crap afterwards.

think carefully, and change the name a little to make it more palatable for him.

 

[Karen Kraft]

Great, Karen!

Isn't it funny how the monsters under the bed get so damn big, and then once you look under there, it's kind of like, what was I so worried about.

Or, if you are in the wrong mood, Steven King IT is waiting there for you; sharp teeth and all....

 

[Karen Kraft]

.

 

[Guest]

I have been where you are now.

I actually lost a very good man over this reason. He couldn't understand why a survivor would want to relive it. He could not understand that it was not about reliving it.

Rape fantasies in my mind especially those that are from survivors are our self heal devices. It can take the sting and some of the stigma out of the actual rape. There is a group that is around the country called 'Take Back the Night'. They have all their marches, rallies and the like at night. The message being that we may have been victims at one point but we are survivors that are free to roam at night a time and place that our attackers made a nightmarish place for us to exist.

I believe the rape fantasies and writing the non-consent stories are like that. They allow us to control the scene, they allow us to feel back in control, they allow us to know that we can stop the 'rape' at any time if it gets too much for us.

If it helps you, if you can move through it, if you can get to the other side and alittle piece of you feels freer and the nightmares don't stalk you so much at night... find some understanding man, even if its not your boyfriend, husband, partner.... and do it.

Elizabetht, survivor