butter's stuff: the good, the ugly, and the incomplete

[butters]

today's small one from Charley's Winter Challenge

ice cubes melt
in lazy amber
ice drips
on your tongue
as i melt
back to wall
thighs trembling
cheeks on fire

 

[butters]

the importance of silence

she understood
without words
without looks

the swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constriction of slick rib

the thinnest breath
crept
from nostrils while she

willed the submarine thrums to
stop

behind the door
she understood
the importance of silence

 

[Palba_Noruda]

she understood
without words
without looks

the swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constriction of slick rib

the thinnest breath
crept
from nostrils while she

willed the submarine thrums to
stop

behind the door
she understood
the importance of silence

like the repetition of without
and the rhyme in the second stanza especially

 

[butters]

like the repetition of without
and the rhyme in the second stanza especially

thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, pab

do you think i could get away with changing 'constriction' to 'constrict'?

swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constrict of slick rib

 

[vrosej10]

she understood
without words
without looks

the swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constriction of slick rib

the thinnest breath
crept
from nostrils while she

willed the submarine thrums to
stop

behind the door
she understood
the importance of silence

I love the near rhyme of pressed/crept and the fact those two words are enjmabed identically. Something about the placement of the line in red bothers me but I couldn't tell you why; I think it might be that it is singled out. There is something breathless about this poem that is very appealing.

 

[fridayam]

she understood
without words
without looks

the swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constriction of slick rib

the thinnest breath
crept
from nostrils while she

willed the submarine thrums to
stop

behind the door
she understood
the importance of silence

I adore this, Chip: it feels like an epic novel compresssed into so few words. I would keep "constriction"--"constrict" feels strangely tongue-twistery in the context, though I've no idea why. x

 

[twelveoone]

Not to get too off topic in Chip's poetry thread, but to follow up. It's surprising where the best poems turn up. Of the poems written or spoken, within my eye or earshot the past five or so years, I think this one is the best: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=320794

When you admire a living poet you can just email them, maybe get to know them a bit, maybe they'll even ask you to share your work...that's much too reflexive, community is much more valuable and harder to come by with a zillion people looking for publication.

If you ask me it looks like a chipbuddy-senna jawa collaboration

rollin' through the boneyard
laughin' all the way

ah, thanks corndog, I was under the impression the only thing people could learn from me were bad habits

applies 90% IMAGINATION TO chipbuddy-senna jawa collaboration

all you have to do is know 15 different languages and not be fluent in any of 'em epeciarry engrish
poetry comes natural
matsukaze mon amour

 

[twelveoone]

thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, pab

do you think i could get away with changing 'constriction' to 'constrict'?

swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constrict of slick rib

probably
it bounces against
importance
nicely
to I would question as enjambment

 

[butters]

I love the near rhyme of pressed/crept and the fact those two words are enjambed identically. Something about the placement of the line in red bothers me but I couldn't tell you why; I think it might be that it is singled out. There is something breathless about this poem that is very appealing.

thanks, vrose, for your thinking... i will look at that again. i was hoping to suggest the trying hard to stop the noisy pulse, to make a sort of tightness there, a holding of the moment. glad the sense of breathlessness was evoked.

I adore this, Chip: it feels like an epic novel compresssed into so few words. I would keep "constriction"--"constrict" feels strangely tongue-twistery in the context, though I've no idea why. x

thanks, friday i know exactly what you mean, which is why i'm asking about it. on-screen i prefer constrict of slick rib but saying it's another thing. it has to be spoken very carefully, and i'm not sure it should be that hard to speak it. :sigh:

 

[butters]

If you ask me it looks like a chipbuddy-senna jawa collaboration

rollin' through the boneyard
laughin' all the way

ah, thanks corndog, I was under the impression the only thing people could learn from me were bad habits

applies 90% IMAGINATION TO chipbuddy-senna jawa collaboration

all you have to do is know 15 different languages and not be fluent in any of 'em epeciarry engrish
poetry comes natural
matsukaze mon amour

ok, you lost me at the sharp turn...

probably
it bounces against
importance
nicely
to I would question as enjambment

so... i could probably use constrict in your opinion? which enjambment? sorry, i seem to be having a natural hair-colour moment

 

[twelveoone]

ok, you lost me at the sharp turn...


so... i could probably use constrict in your opinion? which enjambment? sorry, i seem to be having a natural hair-colour moment

maybe it was me not following the thread -I thought this was the poem
she understood
without words
without looks

the swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constriction of slick rib

the thinnest breath
crept
from nostrils while she

willed the submarine thrums to
stop

behind the door
she understood
the importance of silence

as for the other thing -don't worry about it it looks like it happened about 2 mo. ago

bflagsst seems to like that poem
so I went and looked it looked like....
it just cracked me up

 

[UnderYourSpell]

ok, you lost me at the sharp turn...


so... i could probably use constrict in your opinion? which enjambment? sorry, i seem to be having a natural hair-colour moment

harumph!!

 

[Palba_Noruda]

thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, pab

do you think i could get away with changing 'constriction' to 'constrict'?

swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constrict of slick rib

You could just say pressed against slick rib...

Or make the rib the subject of the statement, so it's the rib doing the pressing. That might imply constriction.

 

[butters]

harumph!!

You could just say pressed against slick rib...

Or make the rib the subject of the statement, so it's the rib doing the pressing. That might imply constriction.

well, i suppose i could - it doesn't feel right to me, though. that may well be my undoing, as i am frequently too fond of using more words than necessary. it's something i work on all the time there's something about the word 'constrict' or 'constriction' that sounds enclosing, tight, uncomfortable. i can't help but like the sound of the run-on of soft 'i's in the phrase.

 

[fridayam]

well, i suppose i could - it doesn't feel right to me, though. that may well be my undoing, as i am frequently too fond of using more words than necessary. it's something i work on all the time there's something about the word 'constrict' or 'constriction' that sounds enclosing, tight, uncomfortable. i can't help but like the sound of the run-on of soft 'i's in the phrase.

It's the heart "the muscle" that is pressing. I would just lose "against" which is perhaps redundant. x

 

[CharleyH]

ice cubes melt
in lazy amber
ice drips
on your tongue
as i melt
back to wall
thighs trembling
cheeks on fire

mmm

 

[butters]

It's the heart "the muscle" that is pressing. I would just lose "against" which is perhaps redundant. x

thanks, friday, for you thoughtful comments. and now i am left more confused by the differing suggestions. i will think about everyone's ideas and try them out to see which feels right for the little thing

 

[butters]

mmm

glad you mmm'd, charley

 

[fridayam]

mmm

Can I add an "mmm" to that as well. I did "mmm" this poem when I read it and forgot to "mmm" appreciatively to you. (Thanks CharleyH for reminding mmmmme!"

 

[UnderYourSpell]

mmm

might one 'mmmm' too but also enquire which cheeks?

 

[butters]

Can I add an "mmm" to that as well. I did "mmm" this poem when I read it and forgot to "mmm" appreciatively to you. (Thanks CharleyH for reminding mmmmme!"

well thankyou, too

might one 'mmmm' too but also enquire which cheeks?

aha, whichever take your fancy, both even. writing it, i appreciated its ambiguity

 

[butters]

his great black balloon of hope
rolled on the breeze
overinflated and shiny tight

just
one
prick

 

[Epmd607]

Does enjambment make prose poetry, poetry?

Stéphane Mallarmé seems to think so.

 

[The_Fool]

thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, pab

do you think i could get away with changing 'constriction' to 'constrict'?

swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constrict of slick rib

construct?

 

[butters]

Does enjambment make prose poetry, poetry?

Stéphane Mallarmé seems to think so.

the jury's out on that one
as for what i wrote above, it's an animal with no name, truth be told... more an image/an action/an ambiguity. i didn't set out to write it - i should have taken it in hand more, and thought about what it really was.

construct?

yeah, i tried that idea but though i liked its architectural quality, the cage of ribs, and the sound link with muscle, it was hard work reading it aloud for me... my lips and tongue were having to jump through hoops! thankyou for the suggestion though, mr fool