butter's stuff: the good, the ugly, and the incomplete

[greenmountaineer]

k, just subbed and you and you and you

Have read it 3 times; still digesting it, which in my world is a complement.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

do with it what you will, annie if anything i write inspires you to play, i'm not complaining.

Wouldn't call it inspiration as such as it's nicking all your words but as mine seem to be eluding me at the moment and yours are far superior anyway .......

 

[butters]

Have read it 3 times; still digesting it, which in my world is a complement.

thankyou, gm

 

[butters]

death bed

how could i cast her bones unto the dirt?
she, whose limbs graced mine own pungent flesh
hot and rancid in the ride...
she
whose touch soothed my heart and stopped my lips
sang my hair and teeth and eyes
cradled my whimsy
succoured my wail
lifted my feet higher when time weighed down my step...
breathed my joy and sweat and hunger...
she
who lays there still and cold as if were dead
but dead she cannot be
i will her breathe!
open those eyes to see me once again
but no
she lays there
such pretense to rip a mind in two
i will not have it!
no!
sweet, breathe, or must i breathe my own hot breath into your lungs?
force your breasts to rise and fall, atremble in my arms?
too cruel to sport me so
too cruel...
this is no toy, no puppet thing
no! no! leave us be a spell for she will wake







first draft

 

[corndog_]

I'm curious about the phrasing, butty. Why the archaic-sounding "unto the dirt," "mine own pungent flesh," "dead she cannot be," etc.? Are you going for an epic tone?

Personal preference: for poems on profound emotions like grief, I prefer phrasing that sounds like something someone might actually say. The gravity of the images in such poems ought to be sufficient-- overweighting them with dramatic language risks turning them comical.

But that's just me.

 

[butters]

I'm curious about the phrasing, butty. Why the archaic-sounding "unto the dirt," "mine own pungent flesh," "dead she cannot be," etc.? Are you going for an epic tone?

Personal preference: for poems on profound emotions like grief, I prefer phrasing that sounds like something someone might actually say. The gravity of the images in such poems ought to be sufficient-- overweighting them with dramatic language risks turning them comical.

But that's just me.

i don't even know if this stands as poetry, tbh ... more a delivery of dialogue from a scene ... and yeah, i was seeing something stagey with tights and backdrops and cloaks and stuff.

it just arrived as it did. maybe i'll mess about with it, maybe i won't bother.

i think i had a stressful couple of days

 

[Gi_Venus]

how could i cast her bones unto the dirt?
she, whose limbs graced mine own pungent flesh
hot and rancid in the ride...
she
whose touch soothed my heart and stopped my lips
sang my hair and teeth and eyes
cradled my whimsy
succoured my wail
lifted my feet higher when time weighed down my step...
breathed my joy and sweat and hunger...
she
who lays there still and cold as if were dead
but dead she cannot be
i will her breathe!
open those eyes to see me once again
but no
she lays there
such pretense to rip a mind in two
i will not have it!
no!
sweet, breathe, or must i breathe my own hot breath into your lungs?
force your breasts to rise and fall, atremble in my arms?
too cruel to sport me so
too cruel...
this is no toy, no puppet thing
no! no! leave us be a spell for she will wake







first draft

It is wonderfully tragic.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I'm curious about the phrasing, butty. Why the archaic-sounding "unto the dirt," "mine own pungent flesh," "dead she cannot be," etc.? Are you going for an epic tone?

Personal preference: for poems on profound emotions like grief, I prefer phrasing that sounds like something someone might actually say. The gravity of the images in such poems ought to be sufficient-- overweighting them with dramatic language risks turning them comical.

But that's just me.

Do you find Shakespearean tragedies comical too?

 

[corndog_]

i don't even know if this stands as poetry, tbh ... more a delivery of dialogue from a scene ... and yeah, i was seeing something stagey with tights and backdrops and cloaks and stuff.

it just arrived as it did. maybe i'll mess about with it, maybe i won't bother.

i think i had a stressful couple of days

Ha! I'm picturing you with the back of one hand pressed to your forehead, your chin thrust toward the horizon, your nightgown billowing in a fan-blown breeze!

Actually, I kind of like that last bit....


Sorry about the stress. Hope it abates, soon.

 

[corndog_]

Do you find Shakespearean tragedies comical too?

Sometimes. But I don't laugh, I guffaw. Loudly.


But Chicago takes it to a new level.

 

[butters]

It is wonderfully tragic.

so not a comedy of tragic proportions? ty

Do you find Shakespearean tragedies comical too?

prithee step comely, now, buxom maid, lest the foul wind dos't shake his gloom'd branches and... oops, i'd best get up to date

Ha! I'm picturing you with the back of one hand pressed to your forehead, your chin thrust toward the horizon, your nightgown billowing in a fan-blown breeze!

Actually, I kind of like that last bit....


Sorry about the stress. Hope it abates, soon.

nah, mate, you got it all wrong - though i see why you might. i should have 'splained: this is from a male pov. it's him with the doublet and hose and funny shoes, down on one knee, flapping her unresponsive arms about, (lol) in denial about the cold maiden's untimely demise (prolly killed herself to get away from him!)

ha!

ty

Sometimes. But I don't laugh, I guffaw. Loudly.


But Chicago takes it to a new level.

philistine

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Sometimes. But I don't laugh, I guffaw. Loudly.


But Chicago takes it to a new level.

Why am I not surprised? America has days for everything ......... it's a wonder it hasn't got My dog piddles up your lampost day/visting the genealogist day/eat eggs for breakfast today day

 

[Gi_Venus]

Why am I not surprised? America has days for everything ......... it's a wonder it hasn't got My dog piddles up your lampost day/visting the genealogist day/eat eggs for breakfast today day

lol

 

[bflagsst]

I like your deathbed poem, the untos et al. Your use of archaic language is effortless, for the most part. No need to cease dressing up your words if the shoe fits.

 

[corndog_]

A diversity of opinions on the use of archaic phrasing in contemporary poetry! Ultimately, of course, the only one that matters is your own.

Editorial decisions may be driven by your desired audience: do you hope to take it beyond this forum?

I was not confused about the narrator, btw-- my mind was on the author!

 

[corndog_]

Why am I not surprised? America has days for everything ......... it's a wonder it hasn't got My dog piddles up your lampost day/visting the genealogist day/eat eggs for breakfast today day

This one's my favorite.

 

[butters]

I like your deathbed poem, the untos et al. Your use of archaic language is effortless, for the most part. No need to cease dressing up your words if the shoe fits.

each piece will use whatever feels right for it ty

A diversity of opinions on the use of archaic phrasing in contemporary poetry! Ultimately, of course, the only one that matters is your own.

Editorial decisions may be driven by your desired audience: do you hope to take it beyond this forum?

I was not confused about the narrator, btw-- my mind was on the author!

i loves me some diversity!
for me, it feels right for the write ... whatever the beast is.
no, i doubt anything will happen with it at all - it was unwritten, and then got written, in one hit, just as it would be said ... in that sort of timeline... typing out a dramatic 'moment'... just a bit of live writing.

ha!

 

[butters]

This one's my favorite.

save a hog, eat a dog!

 

[butters]

omg. david ten nant just had me weeping on and off for an hour. he is so so good at sorrow, and anger, grief, joy stuff....

 

[corndog_]

omg. david ten nant just had me weeping on and off for an hour. he is so so good at sorrow, and anger, grief, joy stuff....

Don't know him, but if he's making you weep I'll rough him up a bit. You just say the word.

 

[butters]

Don't know him, but if he's making you weep I'll rough him up a bit. You just say the word.

Hamlet

Dr. Who (10th incarnation)
Casanova
Barty Crouch (from Harry Potter)
and much much more

 

[bflagsst]

A diversity of opinions on the use of archaic phrasing in contemporary poetry! Ultimately, of course, the only one that matters is your own.

Editorial decisions may be driven by your desired audience: do you hope to take it beyond this forum?

I was not confused about the narrator, btw-- my mind was on the author!

I don't know that there's much beyond this worldly stage. Of course, there are regional magazines, narrower collegiate publications... This is the sort of place that hits individual poets from all over the English speaking world. I don't think she writes according to the tastes of the forum. The original post in this thread sorta spells it out, what represents ChipButty as poet.

 

[corndog_]

I don't know that there's much beyond this worldly stage. Of course, there are regional magazines, narrower collegiate publications...

And, of course, there are international magazines, selective collegiate publications, etc.

Unless you mean to suggest that this forum (Literotica) represents the best of English-language poetry? Or that the readership here is more discerning than that of print publications? I would disagree with either.

The original post here says "(I) am considering where to sub or if even to sub at all."-- clearly she is interested in feedback that helps refine her work for other markets. A laudable goal.

You and I feel differently about the archaic phrasing in the poem under review. That is fine: each of is presenting an opinion. But I think you do her a disfavor if you suggest that an unreviewed bulletin board should be her highest aspiration.

Thank you, by the way, for referring me back to the original post. I had not read it, and it was good to see the sort of work chipbutty has been producing, as well as the feedback she has been getting.

I have also enjoyed familiarizing myself with your work. Is there a poem or three in your Lit collection that you are particularly proud of or feel best represents your style?

 

[corndog_]

each piece will use whatever feels right for it ty


i loves me some diversity!
for me, it feels right for the write ... whatever the beast is.
no, i doubt anything will happen with it at all - it was unwritten, and then got written, in one hit, just as it would be said ... in that sort of timeline... typing out a dramatic 'moment'... just a bit of live writing.

ha!

Live writing is an important exercise, whether it leads to "finished" poems (those mythical beasts) or not. Editing, too, is an important exercise.

And I know that you know that!

 

[corndog_]

Hamlet

Dr. Who (10th incarnation)
Casanova
Barty Crouch (from Harry Potter)
and much much more

Mmmmmm... HAMlet!