Caught in the middle. Please help me.

[Katrink]

I'm caught in the middle of a horrible situation. I became friends with this woman about a month ago and she and I have gotten pretty close.

She's told me about several affairs that she's currently having. And her history with her husband which has been pretty rocky. Her husband has quizzed me about the affairs several times (he checks her e-mail and is very suspicious). She knows that if she were to tell him about the affairs that he would take the baby and leave her with nothing. I have just denied knowing anything and he's said that he doesn't believe me.

So this weekend, a group of us (people from work....our husbands work together) went to another city to go scuba diving. My friend decided to stay home and take care of their two year old and after going diving the first night we went out drinking. We were all having a great time and after awhile most of the group went home and it was just my husband, her husband and me drinking (we decided to get burgers at some bar).

So he starts groping my ass and touching my breasts at the bar. He even whips it out and pulls my hand into his lap. By this time I was half passed out and half asleep on my husband (I was between them at the bar). After awhile we tried to pay and realized that we didn't have enough money to pay the bill and my husband went to go find an atm. So her husband has me alone in this bar and I wasn't even able to keep my eyes open at this point. And he's telling me that he wants to either have me suck him off, cum between my breasts or bury his dick in my pussy. He and his wife both know that my husband is very open to this sort of thing. They however, are not....in that he's got this machismo thing going on where it would be okay for him to flirt with other people, but any guy to hit on her would be murdered. So, he kisses me and then my husband comes back. I tell my husband that I don't care what her husband wants, but that I'm not sleeping with him. My husband takes me back to the hotel and that's it.

So today I get a call from my friend. And she wants to know what went on this weekend. I tell her the same thing we told the group....that he was sick in the bar and we all came home. She knows that something happened. She does not believe me and keeps quizzing me and it's very uncomfortable and I don't tell her that he hit on me. He won't talk to her about this weekend at all and she wants to hear it all from me. I do not want to be in the middle of all of this, but here I am.

What do I do? Do I tell her what happened? Do I tell her G rated version of what happened? Do I keep it to myself and deny everything? I'm afraid that I will lose her friendship and she's the only friend that I have here. I don't want to help ruin an already rocky relationship, but I don't really want to lie to her. And I do like her husband...he can be an ass, but I know he's totally in love with her. I don't want to ruin a friendship with them as a couple.

Help!

 

[SweetErika]

This just sounds like a bad situation all around. My question is, if she's having all of these affairs, why would it bother her to hear her husband is hitting on and propositioning other women?

I haven't been in this situation, but I would probably sit down with both of them separately, tell them that you value their friendship, but you feel uncomfortable when they ask you what the other spouse is doing...you don't like to be put in the middle. Tell them you're happy being friends with each of them and as a couple, but you don't feel right sharing what one of them has told you in confidence and in the future, you're going to suggest that they talk to eachother about these issues.

If they can't see that putting you in the middle like this is uncomfortable and wrong, they're not real friends. Friends respect eachother's feelings.

Good luck!

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[SweetErika]

Ok- she's having affairs on him and wants you keeping her secrets, he fooled around with you and wants you to keep his secrets. Gah! Beware the toxic people!

Uh huh....this was my first thought too (thanks cutie!)... I've found people like this can always be counted on as a constant source of stress and drama. It's always something. So if you do want to try and work it out and remain friends, go in with your eyes wide open to what kind of people they really are.

 

[fgarvb1]

From personal experience I think you should tell them that their problems are their problems and to leave you and yours out of it.

That you don't know shit about anything that they do and don't want to either!

There is NO way to come out of the position they are trying to get you into with out someone getting hurt...make sure it is not you or your husband.

It's a even bet that you will end up getting blamed for everything.

 

[sheath]

What do I do? Do I tell her what happened? Do I tell her G rated version of what happened? Do I keep it to myself and deny everything? I'm afraid that I will lose her friendship and she's the only friend that I have here. I don't want to help ruin an already rocky relationship, but I don't really want to lie to her. And I do like her husband...he can be an ass, but I know he's totally in love with her. I don't want to ruin a friendship with them as a couple.

Help!

I think the proper question is: Why in the world would you want these people as friends to begin with???

They are obviously putting you in the middle, with little remorse, if any. They KNOW what they are doing. They have heaped shitloads of pain on you, simply because they are unafraid to face their own problems.

What I see happening? They are going to blame everybody but themselves. The wife is looking for a reason to soften her own guilt over her affairs, and the husband is looking for paybacks. You happen to be the easy target. In my opinion, this friendship is going to end anyway...just because nobody in that marriage is willing to take responsibility, and you will be the odd-man-out.

I say, tell them both. Tell them both what is happening, what each of them have done, and tell them both that you care but you simply cannot keep up the facade any longer. It is not fair to you, to either of them, or to your own husband, to expend so much energy and worry to keep their own farces working.

There is something to be said for keeping a secret for a friend...however, when it goes so far that pain is the only result for all sides, keeping that secret no longer has such value. Been there, done that, and everybody got hurt. Trust me, it wasn't worth it, for anyone involved.

You can make other friends. You seem quite honest and personable, simply in that one post. You don't need friends like those two.

My very biased two cents...

S.

 

[SlvrTongueDevil]

Re: Re: Caught in the middle. Please help me.

I think the proper question is: Why in the world would you want these people as friends to begin with???

That's the truth of the matter. Sounds like more pain than worth. But adding my 2 cents ... if you gave you word to your friend that you wouldn't talk about her affairs, then don't. I would consider that different from the drunken goings-on of her husband. If she asks - I would definitely say he got out of line. Don't know as if you need to give details.

Again, just my 2 cents (and worth every penny of that).

 

[bobsgirl]

Sheath's first question was the one going through my head when I read your post. You are almost guaranteed a boatload of aggravation from these two. Look at what you've had to put up with in just the few weeks you've known them.

Sorry, but I say move on. These two deserve each other.

 

[cecelia]

'Friends' don't do this to friends. They're using you to serve their own warped agenda.
Back up and move away.

At the very least, tell them that you refuse to discuss the subject any more. Their reaction will tell you a lot.

 

[Spenser41]

OK

2 things I want to say is... I hope your husband did not encourage him to make a move on you and I hope your husband is not screwing your friend.
As everyone else has said... this is one relationship that is best to stay out of. All you are asking for is problems and aggrivation.

 

[capricious_chic]

Cut your losses and make new friends.

It sounds like your friends thrive on drama and use all of those around them to foster it. Be aware that you are allowing them to do this to you. By keeping silent you are encouraging their behavior. You need to tell them that it is not acceptable to you and that if the friendship is to be continued you will not allow them to place you in this position. I would do this couple to couple. You don't need to go into any details - if they ask suggest that they talk to each other to get details. However, if it were me I would place them in the acquaintance category and move on.

 

[Lust Engine]

You really want these kind of people for friends??

I always thought TRUE friends trusted one another and cared for them. These people seem to WANT you in the middle somehow. Obviously you're starting to feel their tension tug at you now.

So why let them have control of you? Is their faux friendship worth all of this grief? I say HELL NO. Move on & get friends who don't act like immature asses.

No one needs to be put in this kind of predicament. Is YOUR self esteem so low that you need THEIR friendship? You can't control what happens in their relationship but you sure as hell can choose your own destiny. Grow a backbone & tell them both to communicate. Let them stir their own shit- you don't need to get in the middle of this.

 

[cat3100]

If I were you, I would sit them both down and tell them that you value their friendship but, they need to either face up to the fact that neither one can be faithful to the other and accept it in an open relationship, or each go their own, but they just need to leave you out of it instead of playing these immature tug-of-war games. Obviously they both have control and trust (not sure if that was the word I looking for ) issues.

 

[H0wl]

Just be prepared to have both of them turn on you and make it all out to be your fault if you do

 

[fille]

Re: Re: Caught in the middle. Please help me.

I think the proper question is: Why in the world would you want these people as friends to begin with???

They are obviously putting you in the middle, with little remorse, if any. They KNOW what they are doing. They have heaped shitloads of pain on you, simply because they are unafraid to face their own problems.

What I see happening? They are going to blame everybody but themselves. The wife is looking for a reason to soften her own guilt over her affairs, and the husband is looking for paybacks. You happen to be the easy target. In my opinion, this friendship is going to end anyway...just because nobody in that marriage is willing to take responsibility, and you will be the odd-man-out.

I say, tell them both. Tell them both what is happening, what each of them have done, and tell them both that you care but you simply cannot keep up the facade any longer. It is not fair to you, to either of them, or to your own husband, to expend so much energy and worry to keep their own farces working.

There is something to be said for keeping a secret for a friend...however, when it goes so far that pain is the only result for all sides, keeping that secret no longer has such value. Been there, done that, and everybody got hurt. Trust me, it wasn't worth it, for anyone involved.

You can make other friends. You seem quite honest and personable, simply in that one post. You don't need friends like those two.

My very biased two cents...

S.

I couldn't agree more. Personally, I would tell them both, probably separately, that they are really in need of counseling and that I hoped they would get some, but that I just could not be a part of any of it any more. Then I would be very busy and get some new friends.

 

[Katrink]

Thank you for all of your responses. I suppose I can cut my losses and drop them as friends, but I've just spent the past seven months alone. I've been a little desperate to talk to someone other than my cat. My husband is gone for months at a time due to his work and we're stationed here in a foreign country (I don't speak the language, but am very slowly learning). I was just so excited to make friends that I didn't stop and think about what they were getting me into. Now that I'm in the middle of this I'm regretting jumping in so far.

They are getting counseling, but I know for a fact that they are never going to be totally truthful with one another. I suppose I'll have to talk to them and make sure they know that I'm done listening and taking part of their troubles. It started out with her confiding in me and has ended up being more drama and stress than I can take. I guess I shouldn't be worrying about losing their friendship when they put me in this position in the first place.

Again, I was just so excited to finally have friends, that I didn't even think about it. Seven months is a long time to go without anyone. The group of people we are here with aren't exactly friendly or welcoming. And it is very hard to make friends outside of the people we're stationed here with.

It is also likely that if I destroy the friendship with these people, that I will never make friends with anyone here. Not that I wouldn't be able to, but that politics here run through all of the friendships as well as work. I've been able to cut a lot of the bullshit out with this woman and you can't do that with many of the wives here. If I were to destroy our friendship, I wouldn't have a chance with any of the others. There are other women who have been shunned from the group for much less.

Aaaakkkk! I'm either in all the way, or out all the way. Whatever happened to a happy medium???

 

[Tink77]

What the bloody hell are you doing being "friends" with people like that? They sound looney..run away and never look back.

 

[Lust Engine]

The old adage of "With friends like these, who needs enemies?" comes into play oh-so appropriately here!

I can understand that you might be lonely being apart from your husband but I think you'd much rather be lonely than to be badgered by these people's bullshit behavior towards you. And I'll assume it's only a temporary stay in this foreign country? Tough it out or at least try to take in some of the language & culture. Empower yourself to do something about YOUR loneliness. You seem like a morally sound & likeable person (or else you'd been on these people like a viper by now), so go out & meet some more like you!

Quit being the nail & become the hammer!

 

[Katrink]

We're here for three years. I'm quitting my job and starting my Masters soon, so I'll be able to meet people that way. It can't start soon enough.

 

[Tat2mom]

There should be some wives clubs. I know when I was in Germany there were quit a few ways for the wives to get together and stuff. You might check into that.

 

[Lust Engine]

There should be some wives clubs. I know when I was in Germany there were quit a few ways for the wives to get together and stuff. You might check into that.

If I was surrounded by people I couldn't get along with or communicate easy with, I'd probably spend as much time online as possible. At least here you can have some sense of community. It's by far from a perfect solution by one that might help ease the awkwardness & loneliness.

I'm not advocating cutting off social contact but there's no need to have such deep relationships with people- especially if those people treat you like shit.

Obviously you made a choice to be there for three years but that's a choice you made. You can tough it out and then when that contract is up- move on and make real friends.