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Chanel 285 Lit News

"Chester Drawers here, saying I guess I'll have to try this hammer out later. In other news, GGggeorge BBuBu...Damn it. Sorry folks, my cue card guy had too much coffee and is a little shaky. Screw it, no one cares. Now for the real news. Dan Talon is a freak."
pauses to listen to earpiece, then to crew offstage
"Seriously, check it out, pillow pit, page 7."
facing camera again
"Absolutely fascinating, Nicholaa. We should get together and talk geneology in my dressing room, over a bottle of strong liquo...fine wine."
 
Dan tallon Here At A shamless attemt for ratings We ar goning to report On J-lo And Bens Relationship and weding in sted of rell New Like How Fine and Sexy Nicholaa Yasdanshrie-Montoya-Corrona's Ass if , Or That Lary flint is runing for gvebor and Hue Hefner is runing for president.
 
Random Intern

Nicholla's going to mop the floor with you guys... or make you mop it. *big :D * needs a good scrubbing anyway.
 
Dan looks at the inturn "well I dont care You Know what Ill hit On The Chick that Dose the Fasion Shes Hoter looking any Way "
 
Speacil News Break

Hello I'm cats Furry with another news break. It seems our rateing were cut in half when one of the people that watch this show figured out how to change the chanel. As a result some cut backs were made and the one payed employee was fired. We will miss Janitor.... *Looks to the side* what the hell was his name? We will miss janitor Hue G. Rection. *Looks off to the side.* Why are you peopel laughing?

*Walks off camrea* What do you mean thats a joke. His real name is Robert Jackson? *Walks back onto camrea*

On a related topic it's been 23 hours since the cut back and the floors here are already a mess. *scrape something off the bottum of his shoe.* We now return you to Dan Talon scrubing the floor witha tooth brush.
 
Hello everyone, this is your entertainment and celebrity gossip reporter, Jason Cocoa, with a report that has just come into my possession. I have learned that Rob Van Winkle, the prson formerly known as the rapper Vanilla Ice, has offered to fill the vacant janitors position for free. He said, and I quote, "I just want to be on camera again." Back to you, Dan.
 
Nicholaa

Nicholaa you know all my last names already here ;)
Wow, what's the world coming to when I walk into the studio to see the 'artist' *snorts rather unladylike* formerly known as Vanilla lice... Ice I mean. Sorry- the resemblance is startling though...
Anyway, moving right along, we've recently had to make a few more cut backs. We'd stop having to make them if only you loyal fans would get more of your friends to watch us. *she approches the camera seductively, her off-the-shoulder blouse ruffling in the light wind provided by a fan. BIG blue eyes now* You know you want to keep us, especialy me, here in buisness at Lit TV News.
So now I trustingly hand you back to Dan with a kiss farewell :kiss: and a silent prayer upon my lips that I will see you later!
 
Dan Tallon Here With an Anouncement in An atenmt To Boost Rating Al the Female Staff here at lit news will Now be requierd to wear A new uniform Consitin of A Tiny string bikini that only Covers the nippls And A Skimpy String bekini Thong, And I For One Think its A Good Idie Next Up On The News We will Shove More Ben Aflic And J-lo Down your throughts
 
Nicholaa From the Studio

Are you sure you want ALL the female staff to wear that outfit?
 
A word from the exects

Hell Ladies and gentelmen I am Joe Boss An exect here at Lit News And we need your Help If you have any ideas on what we could do to boost ratings Pleas Help Oh yea All Female staff will wear the new Uniforme except Big Betty, Birtha , And Grandma. Now Back to you Dan
 
Nicholaa

CURSES! FINE! The things I do to keep my job and company car.
*bounces out wearing the mandated thong bikini and matching top- both solid black to match her knee-high lace up the front heeled leather boots.*
I'm getting an anchor possition if I'm wearing this for work!
Moving right along, today our dear President, Mister B, has announced something very important. We're going to wage war on... *drum roll* Luxomburg! You heard it- that tiny little country in Europe that no-one's heard of has gone too far this time!
Dan- can you fill us in on the details?
 
Dan Talon Here all women are lieing viceus Monster set forth on this planet to tO DESTORY man and thats it Be waer beworn They are not to be trusted If you see a woman heading towords you run .



*And with that rant The Now Devorced Dark talon Is Carred off to BellView By the men in White Cotes To live in sadness and insanity *



.....................................
 
Chester Drawers here with some late breaking news. Well, it's not late breaking anymore. See the thing is i got a guy working for customs and the shit he gets will mess you up for days, what was I talking about?...
News, yeah. *off camera:Are you sure this is right? No, it's not the pills, that's really what it says*
The Canadian government has warned that if military action is taken against Luxembourg, there will be swift and severe consequences.
Seriously, you guys should get a hit of this stuff before it's gone....Oh, we're still on? Screw it. Cut to commercial or something.
 
comercial

Comercial
Are you Lonly? Is it Becaus your Ugly? Did your Momma have to tie a pork chop around your neck so the Dog WOuld Play with you?In the morning dose the man in bed next to you Yell Cyotee Ugly Than Cheww his Arm Off to get away? Do you Have A Hot Bod But Ugly Grill? If You Answerd Yes to Any Of thees Questions Boy Do we have a product for you. One Spray of Our Make up in A Can And theres no more Chewed up arms in your Bed. Try Wrong Co.'s Make Up In A Can "Spray on The good looks!"

Wrong Co. Is Not Responsible for Boldness Blindness Death or any thing Else You Were the one stupid enough to Buy Our Bull shit


__________________
 
Chester Drawers here with some breaking news.
Today is indeed a dark day. Folks, we've been reporting on impending military action in Luxembourg, and the threat of action by the Canadians. Well, ladies and gentlemen, the war has begun. Canada is now on the offensive. The declaration of war against Canada came at 6:74 canadian time today after a Canadian military force consisting of four guys named Doug began shouting derogatory comments at a border crossing.
Stay tuned for more information.
 
Hello people, I have some news on just happning celebrity story. I have just received word that, with Canada going on the offensive, Canadian songstress Celine Dion has been brutally beaten and then nonchalantly tossed back over the Canadian border from the back of a speeding truck. There is no official word yet on if this was backlash from the war, or just something that was bound to happen anyway. Back to you Dan. Oh, wait, he's in the nuthouse. Who the hell is the anchor here, anyway?
 
Nicholaa

I'm the anchor here! Dan will be returning a bit after some electroshock therepy.
According to sources in Canada, the beating of Celein Dion is being celebrated. Lets go to the clip I found-
*movie rolls showing a huge group of canadians, distinguished by thier beady eyes and floppity heads. They're cheering madly around the TV, shouting out "Thank God someone finely beat the bitch!"*
With that startling footage perhaps a peice can come between the US and Canada and we can focus on the common foe of the month.
Now the weather... dang leather chairs- can we get a blanket for this or something?!?
 
*looks toward Nicholaa*
Well, Nicholaa, if you need something between you and the chair, you can always sit on my lap.
 
Nicholaa

I try to make it a policy not to get speared while on the air *whisperes while the weather report's going*
 
Nicholla

WE'RE NOT A PORN NET WORK!
*blushes furiously as the camera pans back to her.*
Um... really, we're not. *looks down at her "uniform.* Aw, hell we might as well be half the time.
 
Re: Nicholla

Vixandra said:
WE'RE NOT A PORN NET WORK!
*blushes furiously as the camera pans back to her.*
Um... really, we're not. *looks down at her "uniform.* Aw, hell we might as well be half the time.
Click to expand...

Hey, FOX gets away with a lot of stuff. *turns to the producer* Are we on cable?
 
Nicholaa

Our producer has just informed us that we're on cable, which makes sense.
In an effort to bring in a larger female audience, the new male uniform is this:
A beautiful back-less chaps and vest combination in the wearer's choosen colors.
The only ones excluded from this dress code are those off camera and those with tails. No- you may not sprout one at random to get out of this!
In other news- tensions on the boarder are dimming. Apparerently the Dion Incident, as the Pentagon is calling it, has lowered our hostilities with Canada.
 
Joe Boss here.
It seems that in order to prove a point about the new male uniforms, our friend chester drawers did a report earrlier today, wearing the uniform (in black). Mr. Drawers thought it would get his point across sufficiently if he wore the uniform neatly folded and tied into a turban, covering his head and nothing else, and it did. Our ratings declined roughly 75% after the incident caused four heart attacks at the Crusty Acres Retirement Community. We can only hope our remaining viewer sticks around.
As a last ditch effort to boost ratings, it is has been decided that Nicholaa and Chester will square off in an oil wrestling match to determine who gets the recently vacated head anchor position.



OOC:I get to be joe boss now. Talon has some extenuating circumstances.
 
Specil Report

Hello I'm Cats Furry You will notice I'm wearing the new male uniform for those with Tales. *points to the bell adn callor.* I chose blue. Oh wait thats not important!

I'm here in luxemberg wich has decided to Ally agaisnt the Canadian terror. in ocordance with demands from Mr. B. We are now inpecting Luxemberg for chemical, biological, nuclear weapons. Or any cheap porn we can find.

So far all we have found is one Playgirl magazine not even in english. All I have to say is this prime Minster is one sick, sick man. *watchs a woman walk in.* 'Are you done inspecting My Room yet?' And you are? 'The prime minster.' Oh, um, can we edit out that last statement Ned? 'We are on live.' Oh.

Well we have plenty of experinced inspectors. These men are famous for their work in Iraq. They are extremly good at what they do. Yes I must say the U.S. is proud of both of them. *Looks at an inspector checking drower* Um, correct me if I'm wrong but isn't that the prime ministers uner wear? 'She could be hideing a weapon in their!'

Well shouldn't you look inside these tubes labeled Small Pox? *Man looks up aty them* 'No those are full of Hellium for ballons.' How you do you know that? 'Sadamn told us thats what they are used for himself, back in Iraq.'

Well this is informative. This has been Cats Furry with a Specail report.
 
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