Claymore and Dagger (closed)

[KieranSoares]

Sam nudged Kennah into a fast trot, letting her carry them away up into the highlands. With Fiona and no saddle, Sam took the long way around the cliff until they eventually arrived at the lone tree atop the hill. He remained silent as he slipped from Kennah's back and he slowly made his way to the ledge to sit down. Kennah watched him and gave a soft, worried whine to Fiona when she stepped down as well.

 

[heartofcourage]

"Sam?" Fiona murmured as she watched him make his way to the cliff edge and sit down, Kennah whining in worry for him. "Love, I'd feel a whole lot better right now if you didn't sit so close to the edge. Not until you felt better."

 

[KieranSoares]

"I'm no' gonna throw myself off... Got over tha' idea when I was fifteen," Sam murmured. "Too much of a coward t'do it anyway." He stared off into the distance and despite the tension still in his shoulders, his anger receded into depression.

 

[heartofcourage]

Fiona gave Kennah a pat on the neck before she moved to sit next to Sam. She stared off into the distance as well, letting out a sigh as she dared to take his hand. She didn't know how to continue that conversation without him getting angry again. He seemed depressed now, which isn't what she wanted, but it was better than his anger.

"You worry me, even on your best day." Fiona said softly.

 

[KieranSoares]

"... I wish I could jus' turn it off... I wish I didn' feel horrible every time I face someone tha' was hurt because o' what I did... No matter how often people tell me it was fer the best, 'r that I did what I had to... It doesn't feel any better. And every time I start t'feel okay, some memory 'r nightmare brings it all back. I don' know how Gran helped me... Only tha' it got so much worse after she died... Maybe it was because she'd dealt with Tamblin fer so long. I don' know... I'll never know."

 

[heartofcourage]

"Sam, you need to think about all of those people today and the lives that they have. Suara has never blamed you for killing her mate. She understood that it happened during war. She has Naiya and I know that she considers you to be just as much her family as anyone else. Rho has never struggled in his life despite the loss of his arm. He's still the same silly human that you knew when you were young. And he's about to have a child with someone that he loves deeply. Ciaran has a daughter with Justin. He doesn't let his loss cripple him. And your mother and father came through with a few extra scars, but look at the happiness that they have with one another."

Fiona gave his hand a tight squeeze as he talked about his Gran and how she had always been the one to help him. "You are the only one who has continued to struggle. You stop yourself from being happy. It's wounding in some ways as your lover because all I want is for you to be happy."

 

[KieranSoares]

"You don' understand, Fiona... I don' want t'be like this. I'd give anythin' t'not feel guilty anymore. I've tried thinkin' myself out of it, drinking, an' even some things I'm no' proud of... I've destroyed whole sparring arenas tryin' t'drown it out... It just won't go away..." For the first time, Fiona saw tears of absolute loss and agony brim in Sam's eyes, and he quickly tried to hide them and swipe them away.

 

[heartofcourage]

"You're human, Sam." Fiona said softly as he tried to hide the fact that he was crying. "And you took someone's life. I don't know why you've held onto the pain as long as you have, but everything that you feel is simply because you aren't a heartless being."

Fiona reached out and touched his cheek, wiping away the tears that fell before she leaned her head against his shoulder. "You told me that you didn't know if you could ever really be happy. I think that you can."

 

[KieranSoares]

"I've killed plenty of people in my life... But none tha' I ever regretted like tha'... Because people loved him... Especially Suara." Sam shook his head. "I don' know what to do..."

 

[heartofcourage]

"Have you ever asked her for forgiveness?" Fiona asked as he admitted that he didn't know what to do. "Perhaps it would help."

 

[KieranSoares]

"... I can' ask for that..." Sam felt he didn't deserve it, that it would be even more.disrespectfful of him to ask.

 

[heartofcourage]

"Sam, you have to before this eats you alive." Fiona said softly. "It's not disrespectful and you know you would do anything that Suara asked to make amends."

She looked him in the eye then, making it so he couldn't look away from her. "Do you want to start a life with me having a dark cloud hanging over us? Think about how fair it would be to bring a child into that situation. I want you to be happy. Your parents want you to be happy. Suara wants you to be happy. You just have to want it too."

 

[KieranSoares]

Sam listened, but all he could do for the moment was lower his head into his hands. As night settled over the highlands, Sam was resigned to his depression at least for the evening.

 

[heartofcourage]

Fiona stayed with him as the sunset and they simply stayed on the cliff beside their tree. She could see the depression in Sam but there was little that she could really do to help him. When Kennah grew restless, Fiona reached out and wrapped her arm around Sam's shoulder.

"Let's get going, love. She needs to get home to Elin and I want to get some food in you." Fiona said softly. "We can stay at my house tonight. I'll cook you whatever you like."

 

[KieranSoares]

Sam rose slowly and turned to Kennah, climbing up on her back with Fiona. Sam knew they could get to Fiona's home and then send Kennah back to the keep. She would take care of herself and get back into the pasture. When they arrived, Fiona found Will had left a note that said he was joining a small caravan to Inverlochly as a guard. It was nothing remotely dangerous and really more a part of gaining experience. He wrote that he'd be back in a week at most.

 

[heartofcourage]

Fiona got the fire going in the hearth and had Sam sit down in front of the fire. Soon, she had a mug of tea in his hands as she started on a simple dinner. She made boar and rice with fresh vegetables from what Will had on hand. She didn't want to leave Sam alone, scared that he might go off and do something without thinking it through completely.

 

[KieranSoares]

Sam didn't move after she left him by the fire. He seemed rather lost in his mind. But when she called him for the meal, he made his way to the kitchen table.

 

[heartofcourage]

Fiona didn't really say much to him, knowing that he was lost in his own mind. He would talk when he was ready to talk and she wouldn't push him too much.

 

[KieranSoares]

After their meal, Sam cleared the dishes away and went to wash them himself before going to join Fiona at the fire. He laid down on the long sofa and laid his head in her lap.

 

[heartofcourage]

"I would feel better if we went and saw Suara tomorrow." Fiona said softly, her fingers trailing through Sam's hair as he rested his head in her lap.

 

[KieranSoares]

"I suppose," he muttered, closing his eyes. Fiona had seen this come over Will once, when he was so depressed that he was exhausted and could only curl up in a corner and try to sleep.

 

[heartofcourage]

Fiona let him sleep as much as he liked, simply combing her fingers through his hair as the fire crackled. She was concerned but it wouldn't do to let him know that. When Sam woke later that evening, she had moved to the floor in front of him, sleeping under her mother's blanket. She had done that in case he had woken up in the middle of the night and wanted to do harm to himself. He would have woken her and she would have done her best to stop him.

 

[KieranSoares]

When he woke, Sam simply felt an ache in his bones. He looked down at Fiona and slid over so he could reach down to stroke her hair gently.

 

[heartofcourage]

Fiona stirred as she felt Sam stroking her hair. Rubbing her eyes, she turned to look up at Sam. He still looked miserable and that broke her heart.

"Are you hungry? I can make some chicken soup." She murmured softly, struggling to find some way to help him feel better.

 

[KieranSoares]

"I'm alrigh'," he murmured. He carefully slipped down to the floor beside her, drawing her into his arms. "Thank you, love..." He practically whispered.