Cupid Stikes Late in 2012

[MaynardJKeenan]

Hey everbuddy!

I'd present myself but I'm not quite sure what to say so I'll leave the introduction behind and just fill you in on my probrem. So here it goes...

*Ahem*

I've been hanging out with a girl for several months. We met through a mutual friend and for a while my best friend was the one chasing after her. However, his infatuation with her very quickly dissipated in very little time and he kinda left her hanging (she was showing more interest than he was... it was an odd situation indeed).

Through all this, all three of us have still maintained a healthy friendship and we hang out on the reg! I, however, seem to have a better relationship with her than my friend who initially had shown interest. I'm a pretty open person so we talk about all sorts of things and, well, unfortunatley, after getting to know her a little more in depth, I seem to have started developping feelings for her. Let it be known that I am 21 and she is 20.

It's a very delicate situation because I am totally confused as to what I should do about this. Thus why I am here writing all this and hoping for perhaps a bit of advice.

Here's the thing. I know for a fact that she likes me. At the very least as a friend. I know she finds me somewhat attractive because (this is kind of funny) one fateful drunken night with my friends, one of my friends asked (context aside) if she would fuck me. She looked at me with a pondering look in her eyes and said "Ya. I would!". She said it right to my face too... looking right at me. I was like "Oh snap!" but, you know, kept my "cool" face on!

So I know all this. I know she'd sleep with me. That's all nice and dandy, but I'm not sure it would be the best course of action. We've spoken a lot and I know she's looking for someone serious in life. Someone with ambition who's got a good job and is going places.

...I'm a college dropout working part time and who is thinking of returning to school. She's mentioned before how picky she is with men. She admittedly did specify she was picky in terms of personality and not looks which is great for me since (without wanting to brag) I have a pretty decent personality and at least SOME charm. People seem to like me a lot.

We've also had this running gag or inside joke of creating a "Cuddle Club" where you find a decent or suitable partner to cuddle with in bed (because everyone knows falling asleep with someone next to you is better than falling asleep alone).

*We're currently the only two members of the club but are open to auditions and so send us your resume if you want in!*

However, knowing fully well we're both in need of a little physical affection, it's never been offered or even hinted at on her part to hold each other. There was a time where when she'd see me she would not accept a 'hello' as a greating and would demand a hug (which is cool! Hugs are cool!). Now, though, we have gone back to simple 'hellos'.



And so I'm stuck in this delicate situation where I can either go for it and hope to at least sleep with her and potentially ruin our friendship (even if she accepts, there's always the possibility of things getting "weird" after)... or do I profess my growing feelings for her (which is even a bigger risk) or do I just try and move on and look the other way?

This may sound stupid but it's a bit of a struggle for me. I really like this girl and don't want to ruin the friendship we have... but at the same time I don't know if I should be taking a risk... Any and all advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

[SmileyGirl]

You'll never know until you ask It's never easy when you end up 'friends' with someone but if you don't make a move you could be stuck in the 'friend zone' forever or be listening to her talking about her new bf and telling you the gory details all the while you're thinking WTF did I not ask her lol
So go for it if you like her ask her don't sit around and contemplate it and miss your chance
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

 

[VanessaandherImagination]

Dear Maynard,

FakeaSmile is right! Take a chance! Ask her out, talk, remind yourselves why you've got such a great friendship to begin with... If you have a truly good friendship, and you do care about her, then talk openly, and if she says "no", then you'll do what's best for both you and her and make things ok between you... It's tough, but do-able. Good Luck!

 

[MaynardJKeenan]

You'll never know until you ask It's never easy when you end up 'friends' with someone but if you don't make a move you could be stuck in the 'friend zone' forever or be listening to her talking about her new bf and telling you the gory details all the while you're thinking WTF did I not ask her lol
So go for it if you like her ask her don't sit around and contemplate it and miss your chance
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

I agree that it would suck, but it's better that than losing the person completely (in my eyes at least). I'm comfortable with the "friend zone" is that's all I'm allowed to have. But the question is do I risk seeing if I can have more? Thanks for the advice

Dear Maynard,

FakeaSmile is right! Take a chance! Ask her out, talk, remind yourselves why you've got such a great friendship to begin with... If you have a truly good friendship, and you do care about her, then talk openly, and if she says "no", then you'll do what's best for both you and her and make things ok between you... It's tough, but do-able. Good Luck!

I know that I can handle it. I can handle the rejection without letting it affect the friendship we already have... but I don't know if she can. I really have no idea. I don't know if I want to risk it either...

 

[SmileyGirl]

Can you risk not knowing? That's probably what you have to decide

 

[bullus]

A long time ago, I read an article that made me change the way I looked at "IF" situations:

"You miss 100% of the shots you do not take."

There is one thing for certain. If you DON'T ask, you already know the outcome.

 

[MaynardJKeenan]

A long time ago, I read an article that made me change the way I looked at "IF" situations:

"You miss 100% of the shots you do not take."

There is one thing for certain. If you DON'T ask, you already know the outcome.

That's true. Only I know for a fact right now that I can be friends with her. If I tell her, I might come out of it empty handed.

It's like the glass is half full right now... and the risk involved is either fulling it or emptying it...

 

[littlemissy05]

There may be two other things worth considering...

1...your feelings have already changed the dynamics of the friendship in many ways you dont even know about.

2...How will you feel when she tells you she has met someone else. And it will happen some day, you just dont know when.

Then will you still be able to maintain the friendship? Seeing her with another fella an knowing it could have been you.
If your honest with her now, keeping the friendship alive may take some work but it is doable just the two of you working at it...but will be much harder with a third party's feelings to consider.
Hope this helps...an I feel for you

 

[MaynardJKeenan]

It's happened to me before... where a girl I had feelings for innevitably ended up with someone else. And that someone else was my best friend.

But I survived. It sucked, but that's just how life goes. Had I told her (back then) I probably would've damaged my friendship with both her and my best friend...

I'll tell her. But I don't think I'll get a positive response. Gut feeling, I guess... But you all seem pretty unanimous on this one... So I guess I should tell her.

 

[SmileyGirl]

It's happened to me before... where a girl I had feelings for innevitably ended up with someone else. And that someone else was my best friend.

But I survived. It sucked, but that's just how life goes. Had I told her (back then) I probably would've damaged my friendship with both her and my best friend...

I'll tell her. But I don't think I'll get a positive response. Gut feeling, I guess... But you all seem pretty unanimous on this one... So I guess I should tell her.

You need to do what you feel is right You asked for advice and that's all it is you have to make the right descision for you!

 

[MaynardJKeenan]

I still have a few days to mull it over anyway. Won't be seeing her before Saturday...

 

[njlauren]

Maybe I am turning into an old fart romantic, but why not go for it? My advice is build on the friendship you have, take it to a different level but let it happen naturally. Go places, go dancing, and let it go where it will. If you really like her, then show her you are interested and see what she does. Don't worry about the endgame at this point, simply take it where it goes. If you do this, you have a greater chance of staying friends then if you try to push it too fast, too far, and back her into what she could see as a corner. If it works out, then you might find yourself doing everything you want and more..

 

[MaynardJKeenan]

Ya I've thought about just keeping the status quo and see perhaps, in time, something might develop on its own. Only I'm scared of being "friendzoned" right now and I am a little fearful that she starts dating some other guy and that in 5 years from now I tell her I had a crush on her and be answered "Really?? Why didn't you tell me??"

Although that might also be me fading into my mellowdramatic theatre scene... I'm also afraid that the more things go on without me telling her about my feelings the more she'll accept that nothing between us will ever happen.

 

[VanessaVixen]

Ya I've thought about just keeping the status quo and see perhaps, in time, something might develop on its own. Only I'm scared of being "friendzoned" right now and I am a little fearful that she starts dating some other guy and that in 5 years from now I tell her I had a crush on her and be answered "Really?? Why didn't you tell me??"

Although that might also be me fading into my mellowdramatic theatre scene... I'm also afraid that the more things go on without me telling her about my feelings the more she'll accept that nothing between us will ever happen.

It sounds like you want to see where things could go, and would regret not trying. If you decide to pursue it, I'd just be completely upfront about it if I were you. Tell her you really like her, and you two get on so well as friends that lately you've wondered if the two of you might be compatible for more. And ask her if she'll come on a date with you on a specific day.

Keep the pressure low. Don't ask her if she'll be your girlfriend right off the bat, don't have sex right away if you're interested in actually dating her, and make sure she knows that you value her friendship and don't want to lose it if things don't work out. Oh, and I'd avoid mentioning any perving on her you did before you started dating, in case it doesn't work out and you want to be friends again.

And if things don't work out or she's not interested, do your very best not to indulge yourself in angst over it, especially around her. It's very possible to stay friends if everybody avoids getting melodromatic and makes the effort to act the same way they did before the whole thing was brought up. It's surprising how quickly the friendship can mend.

That's my advice, take it or leave it. I really hope you make a decision you can be satisfied with.

 

[chipcarver]

I've had it happen three times where I left it alone. Years later we were talking and the answer I got all three times was I wish you would have said something because I really liked you but you didn't seem interested so I went else where.
Go with your heart and ask the worse she can say is no and if you do it right you will not loose the friendship.

 

[MaynardJKeenan]

It sounds like you want to see where things could go, and would regret not trying. If you decide to pursue it, I'd just be completely upfront about it if I were you. Tell her you really like her, and you two get on so well as friends that lately you've wondered if the two of you might be compatible for more. And ask her if she'll come on a date with you on a specific day.

Keep the pressure low. Don't ask her if she'll be your girlfriend right off the bat, don't have sex right away if you're interested in actually dating her, and make sure she knows that you value her friendship and don't want to lose it if things don't work out. Oh, and I'd avoid mentioning any perving on her you did before you started dating, in case it doesn't work out and you want to be friends again.

And if things don't work out or she's not interested, do your very best not to indulge yourself in angst over it, especially around her. It's very possible to stay friends if everybody avoids getting melodromatic and makes the effort to act the same way they did before the whole thing was brought up. It's surprising how quickly the friendship can mend.

That's my advice, take it or leave it. I really hope you make a decision you can be satisfied with.

I agree with this. It takes more than a crush for me to skew away from being myself. I know for a fact I can be cool about things even if I'm turned down... for the sake of our friendship. I just don't know if this is true for her and I'm unsure about taking that risk. What you said seems to make much sense, though. And these feelings are quite recent. I was friends with her for a few months before any feelings started growing...

 

[MaynardJKeenan]

Hey everbuddy. I thought maybe I could give a quick conclusion to all this.

A couple of weeks have passed and still I have not spoken to her about all this. I never really got the chance to but I think it's better this way. We went to a club in town together (there was also a mutual friend of ours who accompanied us) last weekend and we had a real good time. I think she truly cherishes our friendship, but I am fairly certain that's all she wants out of me. She mentioned a few times being extremely happy to be single. The freedom was what she loved most and also the fact that she wasn't tied down to anyone. She said she didn't miss being in a relationship to which I grinned and toasted to.

She had been seeing a guy for about a month and a half but it didn't work out because he was more interested than she was. She said she didn't even miss him when they wouldn't talk for a few days and never felt the need to text him or chat with him. I figured she's not at all ready to invest herself into someone emotionally. She's consistantly been in a relationship for the past 6 years (She did 2 years in highschool with some dude and 3 months after that ended, she started dating someone else which lasted for 4 years. She's been single now for about 5 - 6 months...)

I took it as an answer to my question, even though she didn't answer me directly, it was a "fair enough" moment. She's not interested in a relationship! There ya have it! Now we move on...

I'm still gonna keep her around but I won't tell her about my feelings. I plan to instead just remain myself and she'll either figure it out or remain oblivious. Either way, I will move on. Keep her as a good friend and sooner or later I will have my moment alone with her and if the time is right, perhaps I'll let her know just how much I appreciate having her around. Perhaps she'll clue in and the ball will then be in her court. I appreciate all the advice from everyone. Thank you .

I don't see this as a loss... a loss would have been losing her completely. At least I still get to remain good friends with someone I truly enjoy having around. Thanks again everyone!