Deal with post-anal emotional issues
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shelleb4
Really Really Experienced
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ammre, what are you doing having sex with someone who freaks out like that? Lies like a dead fish, doesnt even try, then insults you. You do know there are much better lovers dont you?
Personally i am in a relationship where i know that i can trust my partner, therefor he would not think less of me for doing something we both consented to, that would be mad!
Usually the after issues are physical, semen in my bowel triggers IBS- not pleasant and interupts my post coital fag. So thats overcome by using meds before hand.
Whoever said that they use an enema before hand, and note that the cramps are worsened post anal - yes this is definately why. Try warming the enema, cold insertions into the bowel will cause cramping, be that liquid or toys, warm them first.
If your partner is found sobbing in the loo, well it clearly is acting as a trigger to issues undealt with from the past. As you do not mean harm, you do not think less of her, you do not prefer her anus to her vagina, its all in her head and not real. Comfort, support and caring usually works for me if im upset, i cant see why issues over anal would be any different really.
As a foot note, id tried anal with my first husband, hated it, very painful, not pleasurable in ANY way, and felt abusive. Now in hindsight, i realise that we did not prepare, educate, discuss, or go slowly. It seemed wrong to buy a anal specific toy, as that would accept that it was going to be on the menu permanently. If your anus is tight, you do need to stretch it gently over time to allow a huge bloody cock in there! Thats what i meant by buying a anal specific toy (butt plug etc)
So yeah, lots of hugs, strokes and communication two way.
Personally i am in a relationship where i know that i can trust my partner, therefor he would not think less of me for doing something we both consented to, that would be mad!
Usually the after issues are physical, semen in my bowel triggers IBS- not pleasant and interupts my post coital fag. So thats overcome by using meds before hand.
Whoever said that they use an enema before hand, and note that the cramps are worsened post anal - yes this is definately why. Try warming the enema, cold insertions into the bowel will cause cramping, be that liquid or toys, warm them first.
If your partner is found sobbing in the loo, well it clearly is acting as a trigger to issues undealt with from the past. As you do not mean harm, you do not think less of her, you do not prefer her anus to her vagina, its all in her head and not real. Comfort, support and caring usually works for me if im upset, i cant see why issues over anal would be any different really.
As a foot note, id tried anal with my first husband, hated it, very painful, not pleasurable in ANY way, and felt abusive. Now in hindsight, i realise that we did not prepare, educate, discuss, or go slowly. It seemed wrong to buy a anal specific toy, as that would accept that it was going to be on the menu permanently. If your anus is tight, you do need to stretch it gently over time to allow a huge bloody cock in there! Thats what i meant by buying a anal specific toy (butt plug etc)
So yeah, lots of hugs, strokes and communication two way.
Etoile
Mod, 2003-2015
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shelleb4, what are you doing flinging out insults like that? Without knowing someone's personal history or details. You do know there are much more tactful ways to phrase things, don't you?shelleb4 said:
Personally, I like to make friends in forums, not insult them, and I like to make sense in my postings, to do otherwise would be mad!
Avery_Chisholm
School Bus Slut!
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There is something more intimate in offering your ass to somebody you care about and LOVE awhole LOT, for me its my lover and he's been the only man i've ever let fuck my ass. for me I tend to get off on the pain(am such a naughty little painslut)
and I tend to get off on the control he has over me, and just the tighter way that he holds me and whispers into my ear but it hasn't always been like that a few yrs ago when we were just starting out it didn't do a thing for me and was more so an act I allowed to get him off but over the yrs I have learned to make myself CUM and cum hard i must say i get that "i'm so dirty" kinda feeling after but that's about it.
and I tend to get off on the control he has over me, and just the tighter way that he holds me and whispers into my ear but it hasn't always been like that a few yrs ago when we were just starting out it didn't do a thing for me and was more so an act I allowed to get him off but over the yrs I have learned to make myself CUM and cum hard
i must say i get that "i'm so dirty" kinda feeling after but that's about it.In the handful of times when my wife has allowed anal sex, there has not seemed to any awkwardness afterwards. She acts just the same as if there'd been only vaginal sex. I thought there would be a change, but then again there is awkwardness up to the point where I am ahsamed to ask since my wife is so inhibited and does not have any sex needs of her own. For me, as soon as we're done, I could easily go at it again!
In the handful of times when my wife has allowed anal sex, there has not seemed to any awkwardness afterwards. She acts just the same as if there'd been only vaginal sex. I thought there would be a change, but then again there is awkwardness up to the point where I am ahsamed to ask since my wife is so inhibited and does not have any sex needs of her own. For me, as soon as we're done, I could easily go at it again! There was one time when we had finished anal sex, she went to take a shower and when she came out, I sheepishly admitted I was still very horny and asked if I could have another got it, which she did allow, thank goodness...
No, I know, it's certainly a valid issue, Etoile, but you got the short-short version. In 4 years time, she has never initiated a conversation about sex, and anytime I try to talk about it, ask her what she likes, try to share, she either gets defensive or silent. The last time she initiated sex was 3 years ago, she never expresses a need or desire for it and never really participates during sex. It's very strange and I have been very undertstanding and patient, but she is just not meeting me halfway. She has stated that she has no sexual fantasies, that she never even thinks about sex, not even with me. This is a tough one to reconcile with, but I am trying. I don't expect a libido to match mine, but I would love for her to show enthusiasm, to surprise me, to intitiate, just so much to make it more fun for both of us...
Etoile
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Ah, it makes a bit more sense now. I can see that I did get the short version before! Thanks for the additional explanation.
I wish I knew what to suggest to help you. Are the two of you otherwise happy together? I went through a period of mismatched libidos (my partner was on antidepressants that robbed her of any sex drive whatsoever) and that was very difficult for us.
I wish I knew what to suggest to help you. Are the two of you otherwise happy together? I went through a period of mismatched libidos (my partner was on antidepressants that robbed her of any sex drive whatsoever) and that was very difficult for us.
You know, it's funny Etoile, because my wife and I were friends before dating and I still think we make great friends. We very well matched intellectually, can talkfor hours on philosophy, politics, art, music, friends, family, etc, but it's just with the sexual aspect we have a large gap between us. How did you handle this with your relationship?
Etoile
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I basically learned never to ask for sex, and I masturbated a lot more than I do now. She and I were still in love and great friends, but we didn't have sex. Now that she's off the antidepressant though (this was a couple of years ago) I have had a hard time knowing when to ask for sex now. Sometimes she'll want to and won't let me know, and I don't realize because of that time when I was so used to not asking for it.
Wow, I can really sympathize with those feelings. I have become quite tired of asking for sex and being turned down consistently for various reasons (not feeling well, tired, busy). We have never had as much sex as I would like, we're now down to once a month, which has been the standard since last summer. In the past 4 years, I have certainly masturbated more often that I thought I would, basically becoming my own best sex partner. And I have sort of stopped asking for sex, almost to fight back against her never asking for it herself (I realize this is unhealthy). It makes me a bit inhibited when it comes to what I want sexually, what I like, what I want to try, when I have a partner so thoroughly unenthused by sex.
So, it's still difficult for you now? I know everyone is different in how they will express their sexual side, but has your partner tried to improve that aspect?
So, it's still difficult for you now? I know everyone is different in how they will express their sexual side, but has your partner tried to improve that aspect?
Etoile
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We do still have some issues about each knowing when the other wants to have sex, yes. The funny thing is, we talk about it all the time, and we are very open about what we like, but we don't ever make time to do anything. It's been getting better slowly in recent months, though. (We've been together more than six years.)
That is good news, Etoile, great that you both can talk openly about the topic, but it's a shame that action is not taken!
I am hoping to get the point of talking about this stuff openly with my wife. The few times I have asked for something sexually, something I know I like or would like to try, she bluntly says no, no discussion or anything. But it's a win-win for her since she has no sexual wants/likes of her own, other than just lying there while I do my work (happily, I have always been a great giver and can go for hours!).
Your 6 year span is laudable, and there is always room for improvement. I am trying to be patient with my wife, but what's funny is even my therapist (a woman) suggested I might try looking outside the marriage for sexual satisfaction - odd, huh?
Oh, by the way, your pictures are really quite pretty in B&W and you are quite stunning yourself!
I am hoping to get the point of talking about this stuff openly with my wife. The few times I have asked for something sexually, something I know I like or would like to try, she bluntly says no, no discussion or anything. But it's a win-win for her since she has no sexual wants/likes of her own, other than just lying there while I do my work (happily, I have always been a great giver and can go for hours!).
Your 6 year span is laudable, and there is always room for improvement. I am trying to be patient with my wife, but what's funny is even my therapist (a woman) suggested I might try looking outside the marriage for sexual satisfaction - odd, huh?
Oh, by the way, your pictures are really quite pretty in B&W and you are quite stunning yourself!
babyblue1212
Virgin
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the first time my boyfriend and i were able to be successful at anal, it felt like i'd lost my virginity again. i was very emotional (in a good way) and needed lots of attention and cuddling from him. i was really hurt when he just wanted to watch tv or mess around on the computer, because he didn't understand what it felt like to let somebody inside a place that had previously only been mine. but i explained to him how i felt and told him that i had overcome something, and he was very understanding. i am lucky enough to have a bf that can't hold an erection if i'm uncomfortable or in (bad) pain, and one who listens.
our solution to the emotional issues: we only have anal if i initiate it. there are times i'll mention it, letting him know that in the next couple of days its okay if he initiates it. but i'm in control of how often it happens, and i'm never neglected elsewhere.
our solution to the emotional issues: we only have anal if i initiate it. there are times i'll mention it, letting him know that in the next couple of days its okay if he initiates it. but i'm in control of how often it happens, and i'm never neglected elsewhere.
rthnck
Literotica Guru
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Mstrskey said:
I can so relate to this. I could have been this guy. Finally talked my SO into trying it and then did exactly the same thing. Letting lust get in the way of common sense. It took over a decade before I got another chance and let me tell you, I was as careful and slow as I could be and I still had to fight down the urge to "go to town" every second. So much so that it took some of the enjoyment out of it. Nevertheless, she enjoyed it. It's still a very occassional thing but a nice diversion when the mood and the timing is right.
Kellandi
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After a few months of oral and digital stimulation of my lovers delicious ass she asked me to take it. She had never shared it with anyone before and we both thoroughly enjoyed it. We do it from all angles and positions. Some hurt one time and not another. I now lick and finger her ass and if she wants it penetrated she asks. I also have allowed her to play with mine with her mouth, fingers, and the occasional toy. Sometimes it feels amazing and I want it desperately. Other times it is painful and I want her to stop. We both respect what the other is feeling since we both experience it. When one of us says stop it stops. When we say fuck me hard and deep we get just that. I am of the opinion that sharing everything along with trust and communication are key. Having said that if she said I could never take her ass again I wouldn't stop making love with her.
M's girl
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This all makes a lot of sense to me.... I know rationally speaking that it's not so but emotionally my reasoning is "I'm a woman and I want to be loved like one" If he wants ass he does not need a woman for that....replicant said:
Again, I know that's not how it works, but often times that's how it FEELS to me. We do a lot of ass play and I truly really like it. I tried anal intercourse and really tried to like it but I don't. It hurts, and yes, sometimes it upsets me. Has nothing to do with degration or feeling submissive while I don't want that. It just feels........ terrible, uncomfortable and painful.
mcopado
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This is a fascinating topic. I personally haven't noticed any post anal emotional issues with the two parnters who I have engaged in it with. I think primarily because both partners initiated it, (e.g. asked for it.)
I'd be interested to know the ages of the partners who had emontional issues. Having been involved somewhat in sex education over the last years, i've noticed statisctics that over the last little while that anal sex has become "popular" with adolescents and teen age girls. I've been fascinated by this trend and don't fully understand it. I know that pregnancy issues as well as maintaining their "virginity" are usually reasons sited. It's sort of interesting to see the cultural shift in this....We older people see anal as sort of for lack of a better word "Advanced" sex, or "dirty," or "special" involving trust or "forbidden", or at least something done by partners who also do vaginal sex, yet the younger generation see it completely differently...as common as oral sex.
Interesting.
I'd be interested to know the ages of the partners who had emontional issues. Having been involved somewhat in sex education over the last years, i've noticed statisctics that over the last little while that anal sex has become "popular" with adolescents and teen age girls. I've been fascinated by this trend and don't fully understand it. I know that pregnancy issues as well as maintaining their "virginity" are usually reasons sited. It's sort of interesting to see the cultural shift in this....We older people see anal as sort of for lack of a better word "Advanced" sex, or "dirty," or "special" involving trust or "forbidden", or at least something done by partners who also do vaginal sex, yet the younger generation see it completely differently...as common as oral sex.
Interesting.
Dude,
you keep dating women with serious emotional and intimacy issues. if it wasn't anal, it'd be blow jobs, or hand jobs, or too much sex, or you don't do the dishes.
its not the anal...its the woman. she needs some therapy, or you need to move on.
you keep dating women with serious emotional and intimacy issues. if it wasn't anal, it'd be blow jobs, or hand jobs, or too much sex, or you don't do the dishes.
its not the anal...its the woman. she needs some therapy, or you need to move on.
