Dealing with Mental Illness

[Kuvi_Wildwolf]

Kuvi, I hesitated to respond to you..... there are so many chords you struck with me in your poem that I was speechless to be able to respond & I still can't find the means to communicate.... Thank You!

I'm not sure whether to say you're welcome, thank you, or sorry. As an author I say thank you. Even though the poem was written for me it's still good to know that I can strike a chord and stir emotion in others. You're welcome though I'm not sure what I did that you are thanking me for. Sorry if I stirred memories or made you in any way uncomfortable. That wasn't my intent.

 

[Guest]

I suffer from depression as well. I started going to therapy since I was very little to deal with anxiety and a lot of issues that had to do with me being a very tall kid who developed too fast, I was shy and had a very hard time making friends, this all started since kindergarten and I can still remember a couple of times I went into the therapist's office and she wouldn't let me play with all the cool toys she had. I've dealt with depression and insecurity issues all my life but my social anxiety has worn off for the most part, I'm a very social person now but it only started until I was out of highschool.

I'm the kind of person that never talks about problems, I used to keep most of the things that happened to me to myself, my friends only found a few months ago out about my dad being an alcoholic and all the things that happened to me as a child. I was forced to grow up too fast and dealing with things way beyond my maturity level at a very early age.

I went to group therapy for a few months when I was 14 but all the other kids were clearly more messed up than me and I hardly ever talked during the sessions, so I quit, my parents never really told me to talk to anyone after that, I haven't seen a therapist since and I've never really taken any official medication for my problem. I suffer from anxiety and I have episodes of depression that last months. I attempted to check out early a couple of times but I just pretty much sat back and endured everything, I sometimes steal my mom's pain medication when I'm feeling too down, xanax is my friend Since I started college though, I learned to deal with a lot of things by making fun of everything, by laughing at everything, even at myself. Life could be killing me and I'd still be laughing and making everyone laugh and you could never be able to tell. I applaud all of you brave people for sharing all of this, Needful, you're a wonderful guy, don't ever forget that.

No but seriously, don't take meds without prescription.

 

[Cinner]

I'm going to subscribe to this thread! I don't have the time right now to marshall my thoughts to speak about my own lifetime of chronic depression and rage...Suffice it to say that I spent about 18 months seeing a psychologist AND a psychiatrist simultaneously preparing for my father's death because people in the know felt that I would have a complete meltdown when that happened. My boss, a psychologist, felt that I was in real danger of becoming postal in our offices. He and I agreed that the only thing keeping my rage in check was that I did not wish to do anything to bring disgrace to my father during his lifetime.

Daddy died in July this year and so far I have held it together. I no longer allow myself to become overstressed by the office. I tune out the situations around me periodically and I no longer spend 13 hour days there; I no longer go in on weekends and I do not think about the office at all once I step through the door to go home; I give myself longer lead times to accomplish my tasks and no longer rely on the adrenaline rush that I used to need to feel in order to get things done; I spend a lot of time by myself listening to music and writing about things - when I'm not posting here on the Lit threads I'm writing stories for my friends. I insist on doing only things that I enjoy and I leave the rest to others... I enjoy discussing organisational development topics with the students but I do not enjoy chatting with my staff at home so I teach successfully but have delegated the responsibility of running my household to someone else and even after I go home in the evenings I tend to surface to check on the state of things there after everyone else has gone to bed. My latest move to restore stability is to take a year off from my studies officially: stop the clock in one area of my life so that I can deal effectively with another.

For me dealing with my rage like being an alcoholic - (s)he isn't supposed to be anywhere near a drink... for the time being I limit my association with people to what is strictly necessary. I do not like, or trust myself with taking, prescription medication so I am dealing with my depression by taking two St. John's Wort tablets a day... it's a natural herb that works for me. Of course if I don't take them I can feel the effects within a day and a half so I just ensure that I have them both at home and at work.

These strategies work for me because I have taken the time to study myself and how I operate. If you were a fly on the wall watching me with people you would never suspect easily that I am such a potentially explosive person - I am very affable, witty, empathetic and helpful but the truth is that being this way costs me and I need to take frequent time-outs to calm myself. I explain the situation to myself that I am a balloon, I am at the point of bursting but one can let that air out in two ways: by popping the balloon, causing an explosion and not being able to use that balloon again; or by releasing the air more slowly and having it dissipate harmlessly rendering the balloon useable in the future. I have chosen to release the air harmlessly.

 

[Needfull Thing]

I don't have any great words of wisdom at the moment, but I am sitting at home, listening to some James Morrison and browsing the threads. I saw these last few posts and had to say that everyone who has posted in this thread to talk about your problems has shown the utmost in true courage.

You all deserve a medal. And though you'll never get one, just remember that in my book, there is a silver star or purple heart pined to your chest.

Thank you all so much.

 

[Guest]

I don't have any great words of wisdom at the moment, but I am sitting at home, listening to some James Morrison and browsing the threads. I saw these last few posts and had to say that everyone who has posted in this thread to talk about your problems has shown the utmost in true courage.

You all deserve a medal. And though you'll never get one, just remember that in my book, there is a silver star or purple heart pined to your chest.

Thank you all so much.

*Gives you a tight hug*

 

[cookiejar]

I can't ever remember a time I wasn't depressed as a child. I can remember being 5 years old and being so sad. I realized later I was depressed. Why? I had a wonderful family and a wonderful home life. For years I looked for a reason why. One day years later I realized there wasn't a reason. I had a medical problem, I had a chemical imbalance in my brain. I started on anti-depressants at 14 and for the next 10 years had my meds changed countless times. Some didn't work at all, some worked for months then failed. I always remember a day in June of 1999 when my meds were working to their full potential. Everything was so different! The grass seemed greener, the sky bluer, the world was wonderful. I remember the day because it was the pinnacle, from that time on my descent began.

At first it was hardly noticeable, mood swings that came every 5 or 6 months. The manic months were crazy. I was in high gear all the time! I talked faster, I hardly slept, I ate one meal a day if that. After months of this came the depressive stage. If I hadn't had a child and a job I would have gone to bed and stayed there. I'd curl in a fetal position and cry endlessly or so it seemed. I would try to find comfort in my family, my friends ... nothing worked. My psychiatrist made the diagnosis that I was bi-polar.

For the next 4 years I existed. That's it, I just existed. By now my mood swings were changing faster, instead of months it was weeks. I hit rock bottom, I ended up having ECT (Electro-Convulsive Therapy.) It helped, it's not the horror show it's made out to be. Only problem? After a few years I was back to square one. Last year I took a chance, went off my meds and had my second child. By the 8th month I was "swinging" almost daily. I was told I could go on a low dose of meds but I wouldn't jeopardize my baby's health. After she was born I went back on the meds but I was a mess. I found myself in another place, I was wildly out of control. I said things on here and in real life I regretted. I'm not excusing what I said or did. I'm pretty much ashamed of some of it.

Luckily in real life I had my mother who was my rock. Her love and patience were what kept me going along with my girls. Online I had a man who stuck by me through it all. They always say you hurt the ones you love. Well I hurt him, over and over. I'd lash out and he'd leave me alone a few days. I'd get a PM after awhile, "You better hon?" "You okay? Wanna talk?" The man is a wonder and I love him dearly.

I've put it all out here but many know anyway. I made no secret of my problems. I don't expect total strangers to put up with my moods and some didn't. I've lost friends but I've gained a few too.

 

[DaemonOfSin]

My sister is bi-polar and I could probably qualify for a Therapy Dog if I ever talked to a Professional about all the shit. Instead I do my very own musical therapy. I find it helps.

 

[ndoorfin]

hi guess I'm a carer I have had to deal with my partner for so many years now
it started as post natal depression, then just depression, then severe depression, then manic depression, then bi-polar, then it was severe anxiety and with every diagnoses came new medication with its side effects, its a nightmare for all concerned but have to percivere for us all to survive now two of beautiful children suffer from social anxiety and barely leave the house (their mother has tried to end it twice once in front of them) stay stong people I read somewhere that you deserve a medal ain't that the truth
I sometimes wonder if they know what they are doing when they perscribe drugs for mental illness because from what I have seen, it is try this, that didn't work try this or this or fucking this
thanks for letting me vent
good luck everyone

 

[SkyMoonAbove]

...................

 

[ivantheterrible]

some history for me. my mother and her sisters were abused by their alcoholic father. he was abused by his alcoholic father. many of my mothers sisters developed one mental illness or another. my mother goes through severe depression at times. and it is worse in the winter. she has on top of depression, but also SADD, and she is now in the beginning stages of alzhiemers, which her father had and her grandmother.
due to my parents never lived in one place for more than 4 years, i never related to people very well, was very quiet and withdrawn for long periods of time. i did better alone, or in the woods , or with animals. i did have a few close friends as i was growing up. but we ended up being seperated because of my parents wanderings due to work.
all of this did wire my brain towards depression and personal isolation. and made it very hard to develop relationships with the opposite sex. until i was married, my relationships or sex were far and few between. i got laid at 14, then nothing until i was 24, and then nothing till i married a few years later.
i went through an extreme downward spiral after i left my ex in 2008 (2 years on oct. 30th), hooked up with 2 different women since then, ended up in jail for a bit. and then semi homeless after that for almost 6 months. during that time, i realized i am responsible for how i feel. for my own life. i decided to never be not happy ever again. if a situation after i work at it is not good, i leave it. doesn't matter what it is. i refuse to rewire my brain towards being unhappy. even if it does mean being alone, or whatever. what is important is me. if i don't make me happy and do what makes me feel good, how can i do anything for anyone else in the world?

 

[KCJ]

First, Needfull, this is a great idea for a thread, and kudos to you for being brave enough to share your story and what is going on with you. I wish you luck, and truly believe you can move forward and become better.

I can only speak to the subject of depression and anxiety, and my experience with each and in no way intend to assume to know or even begin to comprehend the experiences or situations that others may have.

There is a history of depression in my family, as well as a history of suicide. I had never had any relatable signs of depression or anxiety until about 6 years ago. I went through a lot of changes in my life, including a move to a new city, and a breakup with a long term girlfriend. I, like some others here, bottled a lot of 'issues' for quite a long time, and eventually the cork came off of the bottle. I spent a good year just floating though life, although from an outsiders perspective I'm sure everything seemed well, as I'd adapted to becoming an expert at hiding my true feelings. I had/have a great career, awesome friends, no trouble (again from an outsiders view) socially or with girls, but one thing that it took me a long time to realize is that anxiety/depression do not discriminate.

I suffered from panic attacks, severe anxiety, and depression. Without going into too much detail, I am happy to say I am in a much better place now and have been for some time, though I do get constant reminders of what it was once like for me, and it makes me realize I never want to go back. Getting to where I'm at was no easy task, and took me confronting some things that weren't easy, as well as a lot of hard work. I think it's hard to describe and explain the thoughts, sensations, and feelings that come along with depression/anxiety, which I truly believe are very closely linked and related, to someone who has not experienced them. I honestly think that even the fear of sharing how exactly it is a effecting a person can fuel those same symptoms, creating a snowball effect and a vicious cycle.

Depression and anxiety can have a slippery slope, and sometimes when you are at the bottom of valley, it's hard to remember that you were ever at the peak, or think it's possible to get back, but I truly believe that most people can.

I have very strong feelings about prescription medications, therapy, and other commonly used treatments and advice given regarding depression and anxiety, and would be happen to share them if anyone is curious.

I only wish to share my story to provide even a little hope. I am certainly willing to go into some of the things that worked for me, and maybe more importantly what didn't.

I believe everyone is unique and different in an amazing way, and has to find their own path and what works for them, but if I can provide any positive insight or encouragement it would be my pleasure.

Needfull, don't hesitate to pm me if you even want to chat, and best wishes to all out there.

Love and luck,
KCJ

 

[SkyMoonAbove]

nevermind.

 

[ElegantlyElle]

My depression started when I was seven. I remember being in First Grade and crying every time that I got home from school or had to go to school, because I had no friends. I was raised in a very Christian Conservative family and because of that, my mother didn’t allow me to play with anyone whose family she didn’t approve of or we didn‘t go to church with; and because of her extreme values, she approved of almost no families. (And still doesn’t.) My mother also had an explosive temper and she would get angry over the little things, which would lead to her spanking me with a wooden spoon until I couldn’t sit and she would then make me apologize for getting her angry, even if it wasn’t my fault. When I was 12, she threatened to kill me for not doing dishes the way that she wanted them done. My father stood there and let her threaten me, which is probably why I have such a hard time trusting men. She admitted just a few months ago, she took her anger out on me, because I wasn’t the “pretty one” and I was overweight as a child, so it was acceptable. She also told me that it happened 20 years ago and I needed to get over it and forgive her.

I was in the same boat as some of the others. I would never have killed myself, but I wouldn’t have cared if I died. No one loved me for me. Until my fiance. I haven’t felt depression of any kind since I met him. Until today. I felt the weight of sadness pulling me down while I was doing dishes and actually laid down on the living room floor, crying, and telling him how much I hated my house, my puking cat, my job. I literally had to pull myself out of it, so he wouldn’t see crazy me. Every sound he made or breath he took made me think things that weren’t true…he was upset with me, he was leaving me, he didn’t love me. He said he was going to leave and I wrapped myself around his leg, begging him not to. He said he was kidding and I said he wasn’t, he didn’t want to be around me anymore. I told him if he left I wouldn’t be able to get over it. After a few minutes everything was fine and I was pretty much back to normal, but I haven’t had a mood swing like that in a long time.

I’ve been to see a therapist once and I will never go again. Her advice was to take a vacation and get over it. Why do people always feel the need to tell me to get over it? People assume that I’m cold because I keep my emotions tightly under control. I do that because in my family emotions were used as a weapon and I’ve seen what anger can do to others. I’m not cold, I feel everything deeply, but I’ve learned to keep positive and negative emotions pushed down as far as I can.

 

[85Ironman]

i think it's sad that even though various mental illnesses have been researched AND FOUND, people still continue to tell me to:

"get over it"
"life sucks, deal with it"
"you have a good life so stop being depressed"
"you're so pretty, why would you be depressed?"

oh and my all time fav (sarcasm implanted here)

"gods, you're so fucking hot! you just need to get laid more"

what i so wish i could beat into these peoples heads is that i have had tests done on me that CLEARLY state i have a chemical imbalance in my brain which causes depression, anxiety, horrid vile thoughts to which i haven't any control over, paranoia and on some rare occasions SEVERE panic attacks.

i truly believe if people lived in my head for just one day (even an hour!) they would so know that i have something that you just do NOT 'Get over it'.


(sorry, just needed to rant)

No need to apologize. I think trite responses like these may be defense mechanisms for people who are afraid because they do not understand brain chemistry and its effect on behavior. Does not make it any easier to hear, though...

 

[cookiejar]

The stories here make me want to cry but I'm also relieved. Relieved because I'm not the only one who knows the hurt dealing with this horrible affliction. I recently moved back here to the PG after an absence of a few years and I feel at home. When I'm swinging back and forth I tend to say things that are best left unsaid. Here I am with friends, some old, some new.

So I'm Cuckoojar as someone said or batshit crazy as another said. I tend to agree and I may deserve it but I am trying to get my life back on track. We all fight these demons everyday, it never ends. Needful, Elle, Sky, Cinner ... heck all of you. Keep fighting because the alternative is no alternative.

 

[Riles]

Adrraiya, I would quote every single one of your posts thus far in this thread if I could, just so people would reread them.

I've never delt with personal depression severe enough to seek anything beyond the company of my sister and have a good ranting/crying/laughing session. She's all the 'treatment' I've ever needed, thankfully. BUT I do seem to be a magnet for mental illness when it comes to the other loved ones in my life. Books on alchohol addiction, suicide, adultry and co-dependent relationships line a shelf in my office, as I struggle to understand the "why's and where do I fit in's" of these symptoms of DEPRESSION. That word has hung over my head like a dark cloud since I was 12 years old. And like many, I sought counselling...not for me, but to help me understand, to cope, and mainly to help THEM stay the course of treatment. But sometimes I too stumble and fall, and the cost of that can be high depending on the moment. It isn't without love that we - the ones supporting you, sometimes need to come up for air. I hope all of you know that. I hope our inabilities to understand at times don't cause you to feel alienated. And I surely hope that you recognize that regardless of how bleek things get, "WE" would NEVER be better off without you.

 

[Raindear816]

I just want to give everyone who's posted, and have lurked, needing to post, a big hug.

My depression manifested itself as illness from the age of 5. I was sick all of the time with stomach issues (ulcer by 8) and just so weak I got everything viral that came my way.
Keeping the secrets of a little girl that was being forced to act as a woman consumed my life. In order to appear normal, I had to adapt and it nearly split me in two as I dealt with the role of a little girl, and the one previously mentioned. I had to be two people in order to have a somewhat normal life.

By the time I was 14, I told my parents, and began deal with adolescence and PTSD. There have been suicide attempts, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, anything to escape. I've been in therapy for 25 years, and I must say, it is essential to constantly move forward.

One thing that really helped me, because most of my anxiety attacks were the result of triggers for my PTSD, was having EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing). It was somewhat expensive, but so worth it for me. I am now 1 and a 1/2 years out of recent in-house therapy and feel free for the first time in my life. I provided a link above, so anyone who is interested can check it out.

Don't get me wrong. I still take meds, and still check in with my shrink. But I'm not on anything for anxiety, and I don't need to be. I embrace life now, instead of hide from it.

I wish you all peace and a self love that heals you.

 

[Needfull Thing]

I'm just so so proud of everyone. And proud of myself for starting the thread as it seems to have been something people needed.

Anyone who ever needs anything can talk to me.

As for myself, a lot of things work for me. Music is a big one. I like to listen to the blues and it puts a sound to my sorrow. I like to listen to music that seems to speak to something in me...its part of the process of knowing myself.

Sometimes talking helps. Even if I talk about anything but what I'm actually feeling or dealing with emotionally at all. I have this tendency to reach out to people and sometimes that gets me into trouble, because most people don't want you to reach out to them.

Distracting myself helps a lot. Books, movies, games. Anything that takes some measure of light concentration but has nothing to do with reality.

Sleep always helps if you can get it. Of course, for me, I run the gambit between not being able to sleep at night, or at all, and not being able to stay awake.

Mostly self honesty is important. Know what you feel and why at all times.

 

[Beth87]

I'm just so so proud of everyone. And proud of myself for starting the thread as it seems to have been something people needed.

Anyone who ever needs anything can talk to me.

As for myself, a lot of things work for me. Music is a big one. I like to listen to the blues and it puts a sound to my sorrow. I like to listen to music that seems to speak to something in me...its part of the process of knowing myself.

Sometimes talking helps. Even if I talk about anything but what I'm actually feeling or dealing with emotionally at all. I have this tendency to reach out to people and sometimes that gets me into trouble, because most people don't want you to reach out to them.

Distracting myself helps a lot. Books, movies, games. Anything that takes some measure of light concentration but has nothing to do with reality.

Sleep always helps if you can get it. Of course, for me, I run the gambit between not being able to sleep at night, or at all, and not being able to stay awake.

Mostly self honesty is important. Know what you feel and why at all times.

"most people don't want you to reach out to them"

That is such a sad statement. I wish the opposite were true. But there are people in the world who are willing to listen. It just sometimes takes a while to find them, unfortunately.

 

[Needfull Thing]

"most people don't want you to reach out to them"

That is such a sad statement. I wish the opposite were true. But there are people in the world who are willing to listen. It just sometimes takes a while to find them, unfortunately.

I think that people are afraid it. It being vulnerability, weakness, sickness, anything that renders them outside the norm. People hate to need.

 

[Adrraiya]

I'm not sure whether to say you're welcome, thank you, or sorry. As an author I say thank you. Even though the poem was written for me it's still good to know that I can strike a chord and stir emotion in others. You're welcome though I'm not sure what I did that you are thanking me for. Sorry if I stirred memories or made you in any way uncomfortable. That wasn't my intent.

Kuvi... I am still in that place where I am not even sure how to express....

Allow me to share a little & see if this will lead me into some explanation

My son was born in '87... a product of a marriage to a man who was extremely unstable & violent

My son.... well, let's see... I nearly lost him while pregnant due to many rounds of abuse... who knows the effects of in-utero stress... but I can tell you that he was an agitated baby-in-belly when I was under stress... and he was calm when I was calm

I am going to be as delicate as I can with my wording to avoid sending a trigger to anyone with PTSD, etc.....

Despite the on-going abuse, I was not allowed to get divorced until after the baby was born (stupid AL laws)... when my son was born & then @ 1 month old, I began the process of divorce

my then-husband didn't want a divorce.... he wanted to "own me'... and he told numerous people in the court system as well as church members, family members etc that he would kill me before he would allow divorce... he kept refusing to come to court to deal with the divorce & deferring the date

he was nearly successful more than once at trying to kill me

finally, after 18 months of this crap, I was award a "default divorce"

Needless to say, my son who was in my care was surrounded by all of this violence... all of the break-ins at our house.... all of the fear of what might happen.... all of the concern of how to keep us safe

when my son was @ 2 1/2, my ex-husband broke in again.... this time it was bad enough that I went into blood-loss shock & was pronounced Dead by the EMTs..... obviously, I was very, very close to dead but not (I am here today)


My son has a lifetime of anger-management issues... I have had in therapy since he was 1 year old & having night terrors..... when he was 14, he quit therapy.... and at the same time, my sister tried to take him away from me... she kept getting angry at one therapist after another who all said that he was "a Columbine incident waiting to happen"...... her actions only added to his overall anger problems & on top of everything else, she was abusive to him... blaming him for her husband's alcoholism, and all sorts of things

Your poem... the first several verses sorta go hand-in-hand with my son's issues

As a mother... I have done all that I could to make it different... I have done all that I could to get him help.... and no matter what I have done, it is never enough

Yet, his view of me is much the same as your experience with your mother

Now... it could be argued that perhaps I have acted like your mother & been selfish.... I feel more than reasonably certain that anyone who has witnessed my interaction with my son & the things that I have done to try to heal these wounds would tell you that I am not like your mother, even though my son will insist that I am

Please don't take this wrong... I am not saying your experience with your mother is different than you say it is.... I am only saying that, in his case, it is different


So, your poem touched me because it put words to my son's understandable anger

Your plight serves as an example of why I wish I could help him, but until he is ready to release all of this anger, then I won't be able to do anything about it


In my case & in my son's case.... it all started with this one abusive man.... and a legal trap that caused me to not be able to get away from him when he started abusing me

am I responsible for what happened? ABSOLUTELY... because this man was a person whom I choose to be in a relationship with, even though he was not abusive until after we had been married for 3 years, decided to have kids & I was pregnant

Could I have prevented it? I do not know.... other than to not choose that man to be in my life

Did I do everything I could to "Solve it" once it did happen.... Yes, including Therapy for me & for my son... and forcing the State of AL to revise it's laws so it didn't happen to anyone else

How do I "Fix It"... I don't know... to date, nothing has worked



..... I still THANK YOU.......

Much Love & Light to you,

A

 

[toshiskitten]

Ok so, this will be sort of out of character for me but get over it.

I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and Social Anxiety. I'm sure there are other little things wrong with me, but those are the big two.

I was first diagnosed with chronic depression at age 9. Thats right. Age 9. At age 16 I tried to kill myself and was checked into an in-house treatment center. I was diagnosed with major depression disorder.

At 23 I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder.

I've spent years off and on meds, in and out of therapy and even institutions. Mostly I just lived with it, trying to go to school, hold down jobs, pay bills and carry on relationships as if there were nothing wrong.

But one way or another it always got out of control and fell apart. I've never really been able to carry on a normal life because of those diseases.

If I miss a day of medication, I can fall so far down into the dark that it takes me great effort not to kill myself. And days to recover.

I'll talk more later about things I've learned and how I am now. But the purpose of this thread is to ask if there are others here brave enough to talk about their problems, or maybe the problems of someone close to you.

The silence is what will destroy us. The only way to defeat the demons is to talk about this stuff. Help me. Talk about it.

I completely feel for you because I suffered from depression all throughout my teenage years. I've tried to kill myself numerous times because I thought I was worthless. The best thing I can tell you is to get a stable support system. It seems you've already developed that here and you can now add me to that list. If you ever need to talk you can pm me.

 

[Adrraiya]

My sister is bi-polar and I could probably qualify for a Therapy Dog if I ever talked to a Professional about all the shit. Instead I do my very own musical therapy. I find it helps.

I have a Service Dog... and I have also evaluated & trained other Service Dogs...

I am more than happy to provide any advise on the topic of either END (Emotional Needs Dog), TD (Therapy Dog) and SD (Service Dog)

Let me know... might even prove interesting open-discussion because you never know who else will benefit

 

[ivantheterrible]

self isolation i had was due to feeling as if i had no real place in this world. this caused depression, and then anger. i'd lash out at others verbally, find fault in them, and thus i would go back into a cycle of depression. i got into alcohol fairly heavy early. but it wasn't constant. although it didn't help matters at all. it was a way of "fitting in". then in the last years of my marriage, both of us became everyday drinkers. i believe both of us were trying to drown how we both truelly felt.
it took 4 1/2 months in jail, and 6 months being alone to get me to really look at myself. i do see that getting a pup in feb. to be a big help. he would bring smiles to me, and still does, whether i need it or not.
i remember as a kid i would at times find myself not wanting to be around people for long periods of time. i would hide from them. when i couldn't i dove into books or tv to escape reality.
i'm really discovering a person that i never knew existed before. i do not know if i am ready for a permanent relationship at this time. i don't want it to be something that is done for all the wrong reasons. i'm afraid of making one out of sheer loneliness, or just sex. i need to be able to live with myself. because if i can't, who can i live with?

 

[Cinner]

i think it's sad that even though various mental illnesses have been researched AND FOUND, people still continue to tell me to:

"get over it"
"life sucks, deal with it"
"you have a good life so stop being depressed"
"you're so pretty, why would you be depressed?"

oh and my all time fav (sarcasm implanted here)

"gods, you're so fucking hot! you just need to get laid more"

what i so wish i could beat into these peoples heads is that i have had tests done on me that CLEARLY state i have a chemical imbalance in my brain which causes depression, anxiety, horrid vile thoughts to which i haven't any control over, paranoia and on some rare occasions SEVERE panic attacks.

i truly believe if people lived in my head for just one day (even an hour!) they would so know that i have something that you just do NOT 'Get over it'.


(sorry, just needed to rant)

I think that these responses arise out of a sense of fear. If someone beautiful who apparently has everything that life can offer can feel this way then when will it happen to them too?

I'm just so so proud of everyone. And proud of myself for starting the thread as it seems to have been something people needed.

Anyone who ever needs anything can talk to me.

As for myself, a lot of things work for me. Music is a big one. I like to listen to the blues and it puts a sound to my sorrow. I like to listen to music that seems to speak to something in me...its part of the process of knowing myself.

Sometimes talking helps. Even if I talk about anything but what I'm actually feeling or dealing with emotionally at all. I have this tendency to reach out to people and sometimes that gets me into trouble, because most people don't want you to reach out to them.

Distracting myself helps a lot. Books, movies, games. Anything that takes some measure of light concentration but has nothing to do with reality.

Sleep always helps if you can get it. Of course, for me, I run the gambit between not being able to sleep at night, or at all, and not being able to stay awake.

Mostly self honesty is important. Know what you feel and why at all times.

These are largely the methods that I use too. I also endorse them again as possible remedies for some people.

Another thing that I have found helpful is the fact of writing about my issues in a place like this. I think that much of the problem with depression is that we as a society are afraid to speak about it. If we do it may prove to be like a shadow... it will disappear or cease to be so scary once we turn a spotlight on it.

My love and complete respect to everyone who has participated in this thread.