Dealing with Mental Illness

[Kinkichoo]

Hello All,

I have battled anxiety & depression w/panic attacks for about 20 years now. Tried many different kinds and combinations of therapy/meds, some worked, some not so much. I also was diagnosed about 10 years ago with Fibromyalgia. I live with a constant low level of pain.

I am happy to say that finally I am at a point where I recognize the onset of panic attacks now and avert them before they spiral out of control. As far as the depression I don't think it will ever be gone, but I have come to a point where I can accept that there are going to be times that I am not happy and it is okay because it will pass. It always does. There is light at the end of the tunnel, a silver lining if there is one in the dark cloud is that I always make the best of the bright and happy times when I am living them because I never know how long they will last.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Needful and all that suffer from these forms of mental illness mentioned here above

 

[cookiejar]

Kuvi... I am still in that place where I am not even sure how to express....

Allow me to share a little & see if this will lead me into some explanation

My son was born in '87... a product of a marriage to a man who was extremely unstable & violent

My son.... well, let's see... I nearly lost him while pregnant due to many rounds of abuse... who knows the effects of in-utero stress... but I can tell you that he was an agitated baby-in-belly when I was under stress... and he was calm when I was calm

I am going to be as delicate as I can with my wording to avoid sending a trigger to anyone with PTSD, etc.....

Despite the on-going abuse, I was not allowed to get divorced until after the baby was born (stupid AL laws)... when my son was born & then @ 1 month old, I began the process of divorce

my then-husband didn't want a divorce.... he wanted to "own me'... and he told numerous people in the court system as well as church members, family members etc that he would kill me before he would allow divorce... he kept refusing to come to court to deal with the divorce & deferring the date

he was nearly successful more than once at trying to kill me

finally, after 18 months of this crap, I was award a "default divorce"

Needless to say, my son who was in my care was surrounded by all of this violence... all of the break-ins at our house.... all of the fear of what might happen.... all of the concern of how to keep us safe

when my son was @ 2 1/2, my ex-husband broke in again.... this time it was bad enough that I went into blood-loss shock & was pronounced Dead by the EMTs..... obviously, I was very, very close to dead but not (I am here today)


My son has a lifetime of anger-management issues... I have had in therapy since he was 1 year old & having night terrors..... when he was 14, he quit therapy.... and at the same time, my sister tried to take him away from me... she kept getting angry at one therapist after another who all said that he was "a Columbine incident waiting to happen"...... her actions only added to his overall anger problems & on top of everything else, she was abusive to him... blaming him for her husband's alcoholism, and all sorts of things

Your poem... the first several verses sorta go hand-in-hand with my son's issues

As a mother... I have done all that I could to make it different... I have done all that I could to get him help.... and no matter what I have done, it is never enough

Yet, his view of me is much the same as your experience with your mother

Now... it could be argued that perhaps I have acted like your mother & been selfish.... I feel more than reasonably certain that anyone who has witnessed my interaction with my son & the things that I have done to try to heal these wounds would tell you that I am not like your mother, even though my son will insist that I am

Please don't take this wrong... I am not saying your experience with your mother is different than you say it is.... I am only saying that, in his case, it is different


So, your poem touched me because it put words to my son's understandable anger

Your plight serves as an example of why I wish I could help him, but until he is ready to release all of this anger, then I won't be able to do anything about it


In my case & in my son's case.... it all started with this one abusive man.... and a legal trap that caused me to not be able to get away from him when he started abusing me

am I responsible for what happened? ABSOLUTELY... because this man was a person whom I choose to be in a relationship with, even though he was not abusive until after we had been married for 3 years, decided to have kids & I was pregnant

Could I have prevented it? I do not know.... other than to not choose that man to be in my life

Did I do everything I could to "Solve it" once it did happen.... Yes, including Therapy for me & for my son... and forcing the State of AL to revise it's laws so it didn't happen to anyone else

How do I "Fix It"... I don't know... to date, nothing has worked



..... I still THANK YOU.......

Much Love & Light to you,

A

You,ve been to Hell and back. My thoughts, prayers and best wishes for you and your son. Your story made me cry, I only hope that your son gets the help he needs. It seems to me you've tried very hard to provide him a loving, caring home.


My cousin grew up in a home where his dad was an alcoholic and a mom who was always wishing "he'd never been born or wished he was dead." As he grew older his issues with anger, especially after drinking became serious. Ten years ago he commited a felony and was in state prison for 5 years. He came out and at first tried very hard but his anger issues always were there. Then his dad died this spring and he reverted back to his old ways. Last week he went on a drunken binge, destroyed the inside of a bar and is in the local jail. As a family we tried to help him but the moment he drank all it was the same old, same old.

 

[ivantheterrible]

this is why i don't drink.

for some people it is ok. things are fine. but for some of us, when we drink, the anger comes out and nothing but negativity is said. alcohol is a depressant, and will cause negative impulses or thoughts. this in turn gives rise to anger.

 

[cookiejar]

this is why i don't drink.

for some people it is ok. things are fine. but for some of us, when we drink, the anger comes out and nothing but negativity is said. alcohol is a depressant, and will cause negative impulses or thoughts. this in turn gives rise to anger.

I don't drink anymore, not that I was ever a big drinker. I have enough problems without alcohol plus it's dangerous with the prescription drugs I take.

 

[Adrraiya]

some history for me. my mother and her sisters were abused by their alcoholic father. he was abused by his alcoholic father. many of my mothers sisters developed one mental illness or another. my mother goes through severe depression at times. and it is worse in the winter. she has on top of depression, but also SADD, and she is now in the beginning stages of alzhiemers, which her father had and her grandmother.
due to my parents never lived in one place for more than 4 years, i never related to people very well, was very quiet and withdrawn for long periods of time. i did better alone, or in the woods , or with animals. i did have a few close friends as i was growing up. but we ended up being seperated because of my parents wanderings due to work.
all of this did wire my brain towards depression and personal isolation. and made it very hard to develop relationships with the opposite sex. until i was married, my relationships or sex were far and few between. i got laid at 14, then nothing until i was 24, and then nothing till i married a few years later.
i went through an extreme downward spiral after i left my ex in 2008 (2 years on oct. 30th), hooked up with 2 different women since then, ended up in jail for a bit. and then semi homeless after that for almost 6 months. during that time, i realized i am responsible for how i feel. for my own life. i decided to never be not happy ever again. if a situation after i work at it is not good, i leave it. doesn't matter what it is. i refuse to rewire my brain towards being unhappy. even if it does mean being alone, or whatever. what is important is me. if i don't make me happy and do what makes me feel good, how can i do anything for anyone else in the world?

Ivan... there is alot about you that I certainly didn't know & would never have guessed.... Your ability to Pull Yourself Up By Bootstraps has apparently served you well & gotten you through many experiences that I can not imagine

Oddly enough... for me flirting & friendship with the opposite sex comes rather easy.... it always has... it's getting along with women that seems to be beyond my ability... as a kid I was such a tomboy & was a bit socially awkward because of that period of time when the girls made fun of me for my friendship with the cootie-boys.... Like you, Ivan, I had my animals... and my closeness with animals, especially horses & dogs saw me thru that time-period

Even as I went thru childhood & into my teen years... my friends were boys.... the geeky-outcast boys & I ran in a pack of tightly wound friendships

Had my parents moved me around alot.... I don't think I would have done well... it would not have been easy to have to start over all the time trying to build friendships

Sex.... an interesting topic.....
You mentioned lack-of

another person mentions that Idiots suggest the solution to her depression would be to get laid

for me (wonder... should I say this.... worth a mention because others might be able to relate).....
everyone who was around me knew.... that once I dropped the line to below my neck it would be all over... I would be out-of-control

and they were right... I did hold-out until I was 18.... then my need for sex took control of my entire life.... even my work... I would not eat if the opportunity to hook up with my husband (the one who later tried to kill me) was available... I risked my career.... we were threatened with arrest more than once.... it wasn't about exhibitionism, it wasn't about different places, it wasn't about trying out different men (at the time he was the only one).... it was about not having to wait more than 10 seconds after the idea popped into my head.... immediate gratification

Even as I got divorced from the bastard... I almost backed out if because I didn't want to go without for any length of time (3 days seemed like forever at that time)...... I finally turned to a good friend who was in need of a PlayMate to help me stay committed to the divorce

Insanity.... I mean that was truely insanity... an example of "Crazy"..... the very idea that I would consider going back to an abusive man just to not have to consider being a while without sex is the epitome of insanity ---- and, in this manner, I was "Crazy" --- I have never felt secure enough with any of my family members to fully disclose the level of my sex addiction.

It was that same addiction that helped me to put "The Incident" (where I was left for dead) behind me --- I needed to stay & protect my son from further harm... that is why I survived --- and I ended up using my addiction to help me recover myself out of the rest of the ruble

I am proud to say that in the end, I was able to find some balance... have "a normal" sex-life.... even recently went celibate for 2 years so I could sort some things out in a clear-headed manner


Just as in another post where you talk about Alcohol not being the answer..... Sex might serve as a diversion... something to get your mind of it for a while... but it doesn't solve the problem & it can backfire... so whatever IDIOT said "your so hot, you just need to get laid"... is off-base

 

[Adrraiya]

. i'm really discovering a person that i never knew existed before. i do not know if i am ready for a permanent relationship at this time. i don't want it to be something that is done for all the wrong reasons. i'm afraid of making one out of sheer loneliness, or just sex. i need to be able to live with myself. because if i can't, who can i live with?

WOW!!! Incredible honesty

 

[Adrraiya]

The stories here make me want to cry but I'm also relieved. Relieved because I'm not the only one who knows the hurt dealing with this horrible affliction. I recently moved back here to the PG after an absence of a few years and I feel at home. When I'm swinging back and forth I tend to say things that are best left unsaid. Here I am with friends, some old, some new.

So I'm Cuckoojar as someone said or batshit crazy as another said. I tend to agree and I may deserve it but I am trying to get my life back on track. We all fight these demons everyday, it never ends. Needful, Elle, Sky, Cinner ... heck all of you. Keep fighting because the alternative is no alternative.

Your sense of relief... in all this openness is one big reason why we SHOULD!!

CookieJar... my very best friend in this entire world... struggles with Manic-Depression... I have learned alot about the difficulty managing M-D over the 20+ years of being his friend thru these struggles

It is difficult because, in some cases.... allow my friend to be an example of what I am trying to say

at his work.... he out-performed anyone & everyone in his manic state.... so, it became evident that the company wanted & needed him in his manic state..... for him to perform at a more moderate was not acceptable, even if it was at the same level as everyone else because his boss relied on him being so far above the pack......

To try to stay in that manic state is dangerous for several reasons & it simply isn't sustainable over time...

effectively, my friend suffered a Burn-Out... but at a much higher, much faster rate than average because he was pushed to beyond the edge.... asking him for "110%" (stupid corporate lingo), wasn't the same as asking someone without M-D for 110%...

that Burn-Out caused a PTSD-type of phobia that has resulted in him being unable to work

He & his wife had 1 child at the time he burnt-out... they decided he would be stay-at-home dad... and they decided to add child #2

For them, this is a workable arrangement......
but it didn't "fix" the problem as well as they had hoped

and he still struggles...

his daughter (oldest child) has recently turned 12
and while he is so happy to see his kids growing up
he is suffering a new & different depression as his daughter
acting like a normal 12 year old
says "I hate you Dad" when he says "NO" to something she wants but that she shouldn't have

I wonder, as his children go thru their teenage years how this will effect him & them


I ADMIRE YOU!!!

You are doing all that you can to gain some control over your own situation

I APPLAUD YOU!!!!

KEEP IT UP

A

 

[Adrraiya]

Adrraiya, I would quote every single one of your posts thus far in this thread if I could, just so people would reread them.

I've never delt with personal depression severe enough to seek anything beyond the company of my sister and have a good ranting/crying/laughing session. She's all the 'treatment' I've ever needed, thankfully. BUT I do seem to be a magnet for mental illness when it comes to the other loved ones in my life. Books on alchohol addiction, suicide, adultry and co-dependent relationships line a shelf in my office, as I struggle to understand the "why's and where do I fit in's" of these symptoms of DEPRESSION. That word has hung over my head like a dark cloud since I was 12 years old. And like many, I sought counselling...not for me, but to help me understand, to cope, and mainly to help THEM stay the course of treatment. But sometimes I too stumble and fall, and the cost of that can be high depending on the moment. It isn't without love that we - the ones supporting you, sometimes need to come up for air. I hope all of you know that. I hope our inabilities to understand at times don't cause you to feel alienated. And I surely hope that you recognize that regardless of how bleek things get, "WE" would NEVER be better off without you.

Riles.... for starters... I am so very flattered, THANK YOU

Have you ever read the book (given your collection) called

Undoing Depression by Dr Richard O'Conner
http://www.undoingdepression.com/

It is one of those things in the recipe of stuff that has helped me
For me, it was a somewhat life-changing read as it related to myself & others


Like Needful, I use music... to both emphasis the depth of my mood & to bring me out of a mood when I have sat in it long enough

I also watch movies that make me cry... when I need to cry & am having trouble getting a good cry out of me

Or movies that make me laugh.... sometimes just to make sure that I am able to laugh with it... if I can't.. then I am "over-hiding" the depth of depression & need a visit with the therapist to get back on course

 

[Adrraiya]

I just want to give everyone who's posted, and have lurked, needing to post, a big hug.

My depression manifested itself as illness from the age of 5. I was sick all of the time with stomach issues (ulcer by 8) and just so weak I got everything viral that came my way.
Keeping the secrets of a little girl that was being forced to act as a woman consumed my life. In order to appear normal, I had to adapt and it nearly split me in two as I dealt with the role of a little girl, and the one previously mentioned. I had to be two people in order to have a somewhat normal life.

By the time I was 14, I told my parents, and began deal with adolescence and PTSD. There have been suicide attempts, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, anything to escape. I've been in therapy for 25 years, and I must say, it is essential to constantly move forward.

One thing that really helped me, because most of my anxiety attacks were the result of triggers for my PTSD, was having EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing). It was somewhat expensive, but so worth it for me. I am now 1 and a 1/2 years out of recent in-house therapy and feel free for the first time in my life. I provided a link above, so anyone who is interested can check it out.

Don't get me wrong. I still take meds, and still check in with my shrink. But I'm not on anything for anxiety, and I don't need to be. I embrace life now, instead of hide from it.

I wish you all peace and a self love that heals you.

Raindear.... You nailed it!!!!

PEACE & SELF LOVE

Might be the most important part thing we can do for ourselves!!!

I don't have money for EMDR.. but am curious.. can you share more about your experience with this?

 

[ivantheterrible]

WOW!!! Incredible honesty

thing is, when i met my ex wife, we clicked mentally. and developed a relationship. it was done for all the wrong reasons. both of us were extremely lonely. this caused a weird type of codependency in all areas. financially, emotionally, and physically. but there were things about each other neither of us could stand about the other.

this is why that any serious relationship i have with someone has to be first a mutual attraction, and then see if we can be friends without sex first. that means we can tolerate each others presence without sex being a defining matter. even if it is friends with benefits, or more serious love.

being in a bad relationship was one of the factors in my cycles of depression. i'd rather be alone, than make the same mistake twice.

 

[Adrraiya]

Adrraiya, I would quote every single one of your posts thus far in this thread if I could, just so people would reread them.

I've never delt with personal depression severe enough to seek anything beyond the company of my sister and have a good ranting/crying/laughing session. She's all the 'treatment' I've ever needed, thankfully. BUT I do seem to be a magnet for mental illness when it comes to the other loved ones in my life. Books on alchohol addiction, suicide, adultry and co-dependent relationships line a shelf in my office, as I struggle to understand the "why's and where do I fit in's" of these symptoms of DEPRESSION. That word has hung over my head like a dark cloud since I was 12 years old. And like many, I sought counselling...not for me, but to help me understand, to cope, and mainly to help THEM stay the course of treatment. But sometimes I too stumble and fall, and the cost of that can be high depending on the moment. It isn't without love that we - the ones supporting you, sometimes need to come up for air. I hope all of you know that. I hope our inabilities to understand at times don't cause you to feel alienated. And I surely hope that you recognize that regardless of how bleek things get, "WE" would NEVER be better off without you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RILES!!!!

 

[Adrraiya]

thing is, when i met my ex wife, we clicked mentally. and developed a relationship. it was done for all the wrong reasons. both of us were extremely lonely. this caused a weird type of codependency in all areas. financially, emotionally, and physically. but there were things about each other neither of us could stand about the other.

this is why that any serious relationship i have with someone has to be first a mutual attraction, and then see if we can be friends without sex first. that means we can tolerate each others presence without sex being a defining matter. even if it is friends with benefits, or more serious love.

being in a bad relationship was one of the factors in my cycles of depression. i'd rather be alone, than make the same mistake twice.

Ivan... your description of your relationship with your wife.... is damn near the carbon copy of my relation with ex-husband.... only I take some relief in thinking that you aren't psycho-killer-type like he ended up being....

Co-Dependant in so many ways.. financially, emotionally, and physically!! I have lived a life that resembled that remark.
and your right about needing to be Friends first & foremost

 

[Needfull Thing]

Doubt is the constant shadowy whisper in the back of my mind. Telling me that I am not good enough, that I am ugly and fat and no woman can find me attractive. Telling me that I am stupid and lazy and so cannot ever hope to achieve anything of success. This voice tells me that I am so strange and odd that no one can ever understand me or welcome me into their life.

I know that others among you hear this voice. It tells you that hope is the enemy and despair speaks only truth. It lies to you. To us. Don't listen.

 

[Adrraiya]

Doubt is the constant shadowy whisper in the back of my mind. Telling me that I am not good enough, that I am ugly and fat and no woman can find me attractive. Telling me that I am stupid and lazy and so cannot ever hope to achieve anything of success. This voice tells me that I am so strange and odd that no one can ever understand me or welcome me into their life.

I know that others among you hear this voice. It tells you that hope is the enemy and despair speaks only truth. It lies to you. To us. Don't listen.

Thank You God (Higher Power) for giving me Optimistic leanings.... and that even though I often feel fat & ugly and as if no man will find me attractive in my current physical state........... that I often somehow know that I am Good Enough for a small handful of Open Minded Folks... and those are the ones whom I wish to have as friend's anyway

I don't feel any need to be popular or to have many friends... just a few really good ones (Like You, NT) that are willing to appreciate those things about me that are different & strange

 

[border_humper]

Truly immense props to the people who have posted on this thread. I haven't suffered from depression (at least not badly enough to have been diagnosed), but I have been very close to someone who battled severe depression for a time. I've also had first hand experience with severe panic attacks. The important things for everyone, everywhere to know are there is no shame in this and with help--and don't ever be afraid to ask for help--you can get better.

 

[ivantheterrible]

Doubt is the constant shadowy whisper in the back of my mind. Telling me that I am not good enough, that I am ugly and fat and no woman can find me attractive. Telling me that I am stupid and lazy and so cannot ever hope to achieve anything of success. This voice tells me that I am so strange and odd that no one can ever understand me or welcome me into their life.

I know that others among you hear this voice. It tells you that hope is the enemy and despair speaks only truth. It lies to you. To us. Don't listen.

i became very comfortable about myself. i accept me as is. i am fucking WEIRD. not violant, just friggin weird. half mohawk hair cut, goatee and mustache, deer antlers in my ears. pot head, adventurer in time.
since i have not had a relationship in some time, there have been times when i look at myself, should i change? nah, i'm comfortable. i am in reasonably good health, and shape, etc. not the best financially at this time since i am still picking myself up from hitting rock bottom (just found out my back child support is paid up to zero, YAY! and my payments drop a bit)
but IF i see myself as not a good thing, and i change, i know i wouldn't find a good relationship. i'd set myself below what i love/like both physically and mentally. both of these would come back and haunt me if i settled for less than what i KNOW would make me happy.
don't compromise your happiness. and at the same time, don't have a bad reaction due to defensiveness for not compromising that and turn into an asshole.
be yourself. if you do not know what that is, find out. take a chance, step off into the abyss. the unknown can be exhilirating.

 

[ivantheterrible]

Ivan... your description of your relationship with your wife.... is damn near the carbon copy of my relation with ex-husband.... only I take some relief in thinking that you aren't psycho-killer-type like he ended up being....

Co-Dependant in so many ways.. financially, emotionally, and physically!! I have lived a life that resembled that remark.
and your right about needing to be Friends first & foremost

thanks adrraiya

 

[sweetgypsy]

The only time I have had first hand experience with mental illness was with my mom many, many years ago. At that time I didn't know what she had, only that she was on "nerve medicine". When I was 10 she OD'd on her 'nerve medication', she spent a few months in a "hospital" trying to get better. As the years went on I worried about her. Will she 'get sick again'? Will she stay better? She had suffered from depression and anxiety most of her adult life.

Now as an adult I wonder if heredity will deal me the same hand. I seem to handle 'stressors' in my life pretty well (from what I am told), but the way I deal is by pushing the pain/anxiety/anguish as far out of my head as possible. I hold things inside as well. I try to be that 'happy person' but deep down inside I know the damn will break and I will lose it.

I have a good 'support system', problem is they are mostly internet friends who too far away. When friends aren't available I pray...........alot!

 

[Beth87]

Doubt is the constant shadowy whisper in the back of my mind. Telling me that I am not good enough, that I am ugly and fat and no woman can find me attractive. Telling me that I am stupid and lazy and so cannot ever hope to achieve anything of success. This voice tells me that I am so strange and odd that no one can ever understand me or welcome me into their life.

I know that others among you hear this voice. It tells you that hope is the enemy and despair speaks only truth. It lies to you. To us. Don't listen.

Firstly, big massive hugs coming your way

You're not stupid, you're definitely not unattractive or fat. I am glad for the second paragraph; that you know it is lies and that you really are worthy of love and success

-----

Since this is the blunt honest thread...a little bit about me in the recent past.

The voice NT speaks of..it managed to tip me over the edge in recent weeks. An abuser from my past who, among many things, kidnapped (false imprisonment) and raped me when I was 16. For many reasons including Stockholm syndrome our "relationship" continued for many years after.

I was finally able to break free of all ties in the beginning of this year. And then last month, out of the blue, he contacts me wanting to be friends etc. I eventually confronted him..told him I didnt want anything to do with him, but the damage to me mentally had been done.

The voice told me I deserved it and many things about how disgusting I was. And I lost it. I tried to seriously hurt myself. I felt so alone and so at fault I just gave up on life.

Healing from my past feels a lot like a rollercoaster..up and down all the time. i hope I am going to stay on the up for quite a while now.

 

[PlayerA01]

sounds rough hope everything goes ok

 

[ivantheterrible]

I take some relief in thinking that you aren't psycho-killer-type like he ended up being....

Co-Dependant in so many ways.. financially, emotionally, and physically!! I have lived a life that resembled that remark.
and your right about needing to be Friends first & foremost

the thing is, i've given your post more time to look at, i didn't turn into the psycho killer type, it was in my depression, even though i left her, i still felt like i needed to lash out. i left her on oct. 30th 2008, things were fine until march 08, 2009, when she asked for sex and i refused her, THEN she made demands that i not see the kids except once every two weeks, and i lived down the road from her a 1/4 mile. i was drinking too much, depressed, and then became angry. i did however mess with her head.
i look back on that person and i think, WTF? i normally would have not done that.
but as events turn out, sometimes it was best, it was a learning experience.
i never regret my kids, but i do now realize i and her shoudl have never gotten married. i think i knew this deep down for 16 years but just didn't have the nerve to just walk away.
there's nothing i can do to change the past. i regret some circumstances, but i would not be the person i am now if it had never happened. i would have never discovered why i was depressed, or done anything about it. its just that the circumstances on how it evolved that i really regret.
if i could, i would change it all, and made the break much more sober, and saner.
this is the ugly scar i wear till the day i die.

 

[Needfull Thing]

Hope that everyone remembers to take their meds and stay safe this Halloween. We don't want the normals thinking about us coming for them with knives and axes when the moon is full and the blood is high like the tide.

 

[Daizie]

Firstly, big massive hugs coming your way

You're not stupid, you're definitely not unattractive or fat. I am glad for the second paragraph; that you know it is lies and that you really are worthy of love and success

-----

Since this is the blunt honest thread...a little bit about me in the recent past.

The voice NT speaks of..it managed to tip me over the edge in recent weeks. An abuser from my past who, among many things, kidnapped (false imprisonment) and raped me when I was 16. For many reasons including Stockholm syndrome our "relationship" continued for many years after.

I was finally able to break free of all ties in the beginning of this year. And then last month, out of the blue, he contacts me wanting to be friends etc. I eventually confronted him..told him I didnt want anything to do with him, but the damage to me mentally had been done.

The voice told me I deserved it and many things about how disgusting I was. And I lost it. I tried to seriously hurt myself. I felt so alone and so at fault I just gave up on life.

Healing from my past feels a lot like a rollercoaster..up and down all the time. i hope I am going to stay on the up for quite a while now.

Jesus, Beth. What a nightmarish ordeal you went thru. Good for you that you confronted your abuser and broke free of him. However, it saddens me that you tried to harm yourself and almost gave up. NEVER give up! Always reach out for help. A hand will always reach back. If you ever feel so inclined again, come on here and post in this thread or PM any one of us...hell PM me and we'll just talk. We understand like no one else. We walk in your shoes.

Adrraiya and others who have gone thru hell, you are survivors. Keep on smiling. You inspire me, even as I am going thru my own bit of depression at the moment.

Needfull....you are sweet, cute, funny and more. All these are excellent qualities in a man.

 

[Needfull Thing]

Jesus, Beth. What a nightmarish ordeal you went thru. Good for you that you confronted your abuser and broke free of him. However, it saddens me that you tried to harm yourself and almost gave up. NEVER give up! Always reach out for help. A hand will always reach back. If you ever feel so inclined again, come on here and post in this thread or PM any one of us...hell PM me and we'll just talk. We understand like no one else. We walk in your shoes.

Adrraiya and others who have gone thru hell, you are survivors. Keep on smiling. You inspire me, even as I am going thru my own bit of depression at the moment.

Needfull....you are sweet, cute, funny and more. All these are excellent qualities in a man.

*blushing* Thanks dear. Beth...if you ever need anything, PM me. I know its not the same as a human touch, which I would gladly offer were we close, but it helps sometimes. You're NOT alone! You hear me?

When the darkness reaches out to drag you down, whispering that you have no ties to bind you to this world of life and light, trying to drown you because you've lost your anchor...reach out to me. I'm here to hold you.

 

[Adrraiya]

Just thought I would see how folks are doing... the holidays can be stressful & oftentimes really rough for folks struggling thru various mental health challenges

the last couple of days I have felt on the edge of weepy for no apparent reason... the tears never came & I had a difficult time figuring out why

added to this, I have found the hustle & bustle of the shopping crowds (even at the grocery store) to be very overwhelming.... complete with a couple of rounds of minor panic attack

and.... then suddenly early this morning I realized.....
It is almost Dec

and this is one of those "anniversary dates" of painful things

My Dad died in a small engine plane crash on Dec 8 1999
and the family battle that began tore the closeness that my siblings & I had....
a closeness that I had always encouraged, fostered, and cherished

went flying out the window due to the greed of one person in that group

Today I realize...
that Yes, this time is always sad because I grieve the loss of my father

but more importantly... I grieve the events in the following days, weeks & month that was the end of my close relationships with my family... and the beginning of a rift that seems will never repair because of the on-going issues with that same 1 sister..... Oh well

Be Well in the Great Beyond, Daddy...

and Goodbye to what I thought I knew was something I could always count on......


and.... then @ 4 this morning... I finally wept... and began the process of re-grieving


How are y'all doing???

Much Love & Light... A