Depression

[Luna_Wolf72]

Well, I certainly understand and respect your point of view. And please don't misconstrue what I said before; I didn't mean to sound 'anti-meds'. I took meds for years, Prozac, Effexor, Serzone. None of them seemed to do much, except the Effexor made me sick to my stomach each day when I took it, unless I ate a large meal with it. And when you're depressed, a lot of times, you don't feel like eating anything.

All I mean to say was that if I were faced with needing some sort of chemical help today, I would try the Deproloft first, and see if it helped me. If it didn't, then I'd go to the doctor and try something else. I just believe in trying to fix the natural things my body and mind may be lacking first.

Truthfully, the single best thing I ever did to make a difference was to pay off all my debts and live on a cash only basis. Finances were not the reason for my depression, originally, but the stress caused by dealing with it was incredibly debilitating.

In fact, I never even knew how bad it was until after I paid everything off, and then got one last 'gotcha' bill from Citibank, claiming I owed them another 187 bucks. I had just paid off around 10 grand, so you'd think another 187 was nothing to get excited about. But all the stress I hadn't realized had been lifted from my shoulders came crashing back down on me with that one bill, along with the hopeless feeling of never being able to escape their trap! It was an incredible eye opener that showed me just what all that stress was doing to my body and mind and soul.

Now I try to avoid stress as much as possible, in every walk of my life. You can't avoid everything, but you can try to adjust how you feel about things, not let them bother you as much, etc. The spirituality factor comes in here.

But definitely get the help you need. If it's a natural supplement, then great. If it's medicine, and it works for you, then great too. Counseling, support groups, friends.....hell, even vitamin D makes a difference. We get it typically from sunshine, and there is less of that in winter, which is when a lot of people's depression worsens. Luna, you might consider this. You've been working nights for some time. Of course I'm not saying that Vitamin D will solve everything, but it doesn't hurt anything to take it, and it might help.

First thanks for the link to the Deproloft. Seriously. Thank you. When I read through the first link (Dear Pharmacist?) I didn't have time to finish and missed some things. That particular product was one of those things I missed. When I finally get an appointment with the therapist (depending on her schedule and after I make sure my initial diagnosis is correct) I will go ahead and order some.

As for the rest~I have tried natural therapies (as i prefer them and can make my own salves, syrups, decoctions and infusions) but I never thought about natural causes for my episodic depression. I can usually help others but I am not so great when it comes to helping me.

ANother thing you mentioned and I would like to discuss~a strong spiritual life is important, no matter the path, but I have noticed that the lower I get, the less I do for my own spiritual health. Is that normal, do you think? I exercise 5 days a week, meditate and pray 3 times a day, fast at least once a month, religiously. But when I am down? The exercise goes up even higher, food intake goes way down and spirituality goes out the window.

Is that a people thing or a pagan (which I proudly am) thing? Do Christians do the same~lose interest in church/fellowship? anyone have an answer?

 

[The_gladiator]

I've never posted in this part of the forums before. And what I am posting here now is deeply personal. I debated whether to share this, but I feel that I should, even though it will be hard for me. I am writing this and posting it here just in case it will help someone. I hope Luna, who I consider a friend, will find some value in it. But if it helps anyone, it will be worth the pain it brings back to me to tell this story.

First, I will not speak into the particular difficulties that must come along with gender preference, or gender identity issues as they relate to depression. My own gender preference/identity issues have only been explored through fantasy, with one exception, so I don't really feel qualified to speak to that. But I have had a long history of depression, and I feel I have something important to say about that.

This pertains specifically to the question of suicide. I've been to that precipice, more than once. I'm still here though, I survived. And this story is to explain why.

In the early 90s I was deep in depression. I had my reasons, not that it's necessary for the story. We all have our reasons. And like a lot of people who suffer, I came to the point where I thought I would rather just bring it all to an end than keep struggling in what I thought was a useless endeavor of living a life that didn't matter. That's what I thought of myself: that I didn't matter, that I had no business breathing the air that would be better used for someone who did matter. I even got to the point where I would donate blood products to try to justify my worth as a human being. If nothing else, I could serve as a platelet supply. I felt I had no better use.

But it wasn't enough. Harder times (emotionally speaking) came along and took me to that brink. I remember I was on a break at my job, sitting on a loading dock, drinking a soda. When I finished it, I was feeling very bad. I bent it until I could tear it open to get a sharp edge. I intended to cut my throat with it.

It doesn't really matter why I was feeling so bad. I can't even remember the reasons now. I couldn't see the torn aluminum can in my hand because so many tears were in my eyes. I couldn't go through with it, or at least I don't think I could have. I really don't know. Before I could, one of my co-workers came over and struck up a conversation, asking if I was alright, etc. Now suicide is a very private thing. You just can't do it in front of someone like that. So I tried to play it off like nothing was going on. It didn't work. That co-worker reported to my supervisor, who called my sister, who notified my psychiatrist, and the two of them called me into his office and confronted me about it. The end result was that I was put in the psych ward of the hospital for a week.

I was already on Prozac at that time. It didn't do much. But in the hospital, they made me talk....and talk....and talk.....and talk!!! I got so sick of talking, so tired of it, but eventually they decided to let me out. It still didn't change my mind about suicide, just got me through that particular episode. You see, like most people, I felt that it was my life. And therefore, it was my own decision if I wanted to end it. I felt I had that right.

And so it wasn't long before I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, a loaded gun in my hand, crying again, (like I am now as I recall this) just trying to think of any reason why I shouldn't go through with it. In fact, I recall having that thought: 'What reason is there not to do this?'

I began to think in that moment what my family would think, those who were left behind to wonder why I did it. The thing that stopped me from going through with it in that moment was not to be the epiphany that I would later have, but perhaps it was the seed thought for it. For whatever reason, I didn't go through with it. My sister came over that evening and made me give her my gun.

Some time later, I had the chance to find out what my family members would have thought. My brother told me he would have thought I was incredibly selfish. He told me he would have been angry with me, that I would have done such a thing. But he really couldn't put into words why. My dad could though. He pointed out that the idea that my life was my own to take was a fallacy. In truth, my life belongs to all those to whom I mean something in their lives. Basically, for everyone to whom I mean something, I am a part of their life. It would be wrong of me to take that part of their life away from them.

I had never thought of it that way before. But it was true. To someone, I was a sister. To someone, I was a friend. To someone, I was a daughter, or a co-worker, or a neighbor, or whatever. And it goes even beyond that.

That thought that my dad explained took away from me the notion that suicide was an option, but I was not totally convinced until years later. When you no longer think its a viable option, you just survive whatever you are going through. What other choice do you have? Some days you just get up, survive, and go to bed, because that's all you can stand to do. Some days, you don't want to even do that. But when you don't have any other option, you do it anyway. Even today, I still sometimes say that the best thing that can be said for some days is that they eventually must end.

But years after, when I was in college, I met a single mother who became a good friend. She struggled in her situation, and eventually one night I met up with her on a break from our classes. We got to talking, and I could tell, from having been there myself, that she was at the point of considering 'that' option. I listened to her talk of her many problems, and when she was ready, I told her my story, much as I am telling all of you who read this. I told her what my dad had said to me, and how it affected me. Because I had been through it, my words rang true to her. I was able to show her a different perspective than she had considered, and that is what I am hoping will happen to anyone reading this.

When I was through, she was quiet for a time. Then she said something to me that I will never forget. She said, "It always amazes me that God knows exactly what angel to send to me when I need them the most, with just the right message that I need to hear." This touched me deeply. I had been called many things before, even some things that began with the letter 'A', but never had I been called an angel before. This was the event that cinched my epiphany for me.

You see, you are someone special to a lot of people, as I mentioned above. And it would be wrong to take that part of their lives away from them. You would be stealing something precious from so many people, and you have no right to do that. But equally important, perhaps MORE important, is what you will become to people you don't even know yet, people you haven't even met yet, and maybe won't meet for years or decades to come. You may save a life someday, with your pain that you are surviving right now, just because you've survived it. You may make the difference in someone's life, in so many ways you might not ever even know, but you have to believe that no matter how worthless you think you are, you are not! You matter! You cannot know in what miraculous ways you will make a difference to so many people, present and future!

This story is always hard for me to tell. It brings back feelings and pain I hoped I had left in the past. And it will affect my mood for days to come now. But if my words have given a new perspective to even one person reading them, who will NOT go through with 'that' option, and survive instead to make a difference to someone they may not even know yet, then it will be worth the pain I feel in reliving it.

Luna, my friend, you matter to me, and to so many others, even if you only count us here at Lit, not to mention the people in your real life who love you. You are seeking help, and that is a good sign. I admire that you have that strength in you to know and recognize that you need to do something. It means that you are a survivor, like me. More importantly, it is one baby step to getting through this. I've found that taking some action, even if only a baby step, empowers you and makes you feel better about your situation.

Having said all of this, I personally would not go back on meds. But that is my choice. I do believe that brain chemistry is in imbalance, and that is a part of the problem. But I think that I would try natural supplements for brain chemistry health before I turned to artificial drugs. That is just me though. You must get the help that you feel will work for you. If you are interested in a natural supplement, I urge you to read this article.

http://dearpharmacist.com/?p=929

And don't neglect your spiritual well being too. Whatever your beliefs are, they are meant to bring comfort to you exactly in times like these. In my case, I find comfort in the 'Conversations with God' series of books by Neale Donald Walsh. They are not written from any established religious perspective, and offer a fresh outlook on humanity's relationship with the divine that I find refreshingly 'common sense' without all the dogma that comes with most religions. If you feel moved to check them out, consider that its possible you are being led to it. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. In this case, maybe the 'teacher' should merely be the source of the information.

Anyhow, I hope my story helps you. I hope it helps someone. Telling it in hopes that it does is the one thing that gives meaning to having had to go through it. I hold on to that thought. It gives me the strength to tell this story again, even through the tears I'm shedding now, yet again.

I'm going to go have a good cry now. Sorry this was so long.

So much I want to say, not even sure I can vocalize what I want to say tonight.

I will try.

I quoted Thyri on this reply because Much of what I want to say is in response to her.


Thyri is a dear friend. there's been a few times when I felt like she was the only friend I had. She like all good friends is there through thick and thin.

I quoted this post because reading it brought tears to my eyes. It is a moving inspiring story. And her way with words evokes strong emotions. I was already familiar with the details of this story Yet it is still good to reread it, to be reminded, so I never forget.

I first heard this story in early december of laast year. My depression had taken me to a place where I was having suicidal thoughts. I knew that I would never go through with it, yet the thoughts remained. I feared that they would get worse and that I would grow more serious about it. The fact that I could not make them go away was enough to scare me.

I like thyri will not tell the various reasons I was depressed. There rarely is just one or two reasons anyway.

I confided to Thyri my thoughts, my fears. She listened and then she forceably made me listen to her story. I think I resented it at the time. Afterall I didn't really think I'd do it. Yet some part of me had cried out for help, if I felt compelled to warn those I cared about. I don't recall being very receptive to the story,I recall arguing with her that it was my life to do what ever the fuck I wanted with it.

I to this day do not know if it was her story that changed me, or if it was something else or what, but I resolved that my life was worth living, even if it didn't feel like it was at the time. I never thanked her for telling me that story. For baring her heart to me in order to save me. With tears in my eyes I thank her now, for I feel like I internalized much more of her story than I gave her credit for at the time. I still flit in and out of depression, anxiety and similar problems. However I have learned that I have friends that will support me.Help me see that I am not in fact alone as I fear.

there is so much I could say, about this and about my own issues. But sleep calls me so I will just leave what I have here.

Support your friends who are going through rough times, and try not to feel bad about needing to lean on a friend.. Sometimes that's what we need most.

Edit: I have no clue how I managed to click the thumbs down little icon for the post, deffinately not what I intended, and no clue how to remove it so just ignore it if you would.

Edit two I figured out how to get rid of it...

 

[choklatekoneko]

I've been depressed for years...Never been to a doctor though.

 

[hottchic]

And don't neglect your spiritual well being too. Whatever your beliefs are, they are meant to bring comfort to you exactly in times like these. In my case, I find comfort in the 'Conversations with God' series of books by Neale Donald Walsh. They are not written from any established religious perspective, and offer a fresh outlook on humanity's relationship with the divine that I find refreshingly 'common sense' without all the dogma that comes with most religions. If you feel moved to check them out, consider that its possible you are being led to it. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. In this case, maybe the 'teacher' should merely be the source of the information.

Anyhow, I hope my story helps you. I hope it helps someone. Telling it in hopes that it does is the one thing that gives meaning to having had to go through it. I hold on to that thought. It gives me the strength to tell this story again, even through the tears I'm shedding now, yet again.

I'm going to go have a good cry now. Sorry this was so long.

This resonates with me.

I do not believe that taking ones life is selfish, because at the time you do it you have convinced yourself that either nobody really loves you or that those you are leaving behind would really be better off without you.

The act of suicide is usually a momentery fluxuation of mood where in that moment the manic and depressive elements of the personality combine giving the feeling of being worthless and at the same time the impulse to act on that thought.

In the end though suicide when it happens is prompted by a very low but temporary mood shift. Many times suicide has been described as a permanent solution to a temporary problem, it is just very sad.

In my own case the thing that would always prevent me from taking my own life is thinking about my son and how taking my own life would effect him for the rest of his life.

-----------------------------------------------------

I had the privilage to provide some support to a young single mother who was a self harmer like myself and had very suicidal thoughts and for a period was very close to taking her own life.

In trying to offer my support I concentrated on her son asking her what her son would do without her. I told her that her son needed her, not mainly for physical support but for emotional support, that simply knowing that she loved him allowed him to live each day feeling safe, safe in her love.

Helping this woman was a spiritual experience for me, and although I am not religious and never could be, I do believe that there is some force which goes beyond the earthly realm.

Now I go to a group called Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) where people share to identify with each other on relationships with other people and more importantly on their relationship with themselves. From CoDA I have the concept of a higher power, a God of my own understanding and this is a spiritual and not a religious belief.

The final words of the CoDA welcome are words that I think that all people in the LGBT community could identify with:

"No longer do you need to rely on others as a power greater than yourself. May you instead find here a new strength within to be that which God intended - Precious and Free."

-----------------------------------------------------

Finally for Luna, always remember this, your children love you more than you can imagine. For them you are a safe haven in a harsh world. If only for them your value is beyond anything you can imagine.

You are a beautiful person, always remember that

 

[hottchic]

PS: This is a guided relaxation session. Personally I have found that this video helps me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFve...3359FAB0&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=33

Maybe others could find it helpful also

 

[bluesky496]

I very rarely start threads. I very rarely deal with serious topics. I am, by and large, an uninhibited flirt with no redeeming value to society. However, in the past few weeks I have been dealing (not well) with a serious slide into clinical depression. As most people are aware, clinical depression is very different from sadness in that there is (usually) a chemical imbalance in the brain that makes the lows exceedingly bad.

I have tried to get help in my way. I have tried talking to others who have some experience in dealing with it and I am attempting to get re-evaluated to make sure that my initial diagnosis (from over 20 years ago) is still valid.

The reason I am putting all of my business out on the board is simple. GLBT people of all stripes experience this at one time or another and in the case of people transitioning from one gender to another, this can be very hard to deal with. Others have experienced a loss of a life partner or are working from emotional baggage that comes from living a life out...or hidden.

I want this thread to be a place of support. A place to engage in helpful conversation, to give advice, to promote outreach. I would appreciate it immensely if you would keep your negativity away from the thread. Don't come here to poke prod or otherwise abuse the real people who are dealing with this. Instead, please use this thread as a way to make connections~to help someone who may have a need in our community. Someone much like myself.

hello ,it is nice to see a thread about something that affects so many of us and i too have been dealing with the same thing for a long long time and i found that the thing that helped me most was talking to a complete stranger , a mental health nurse , and getting everything out in the open ,just talking about anything and everything and friends calling round with silly little gifts like a bag of lollipops for instance and doing my shopping for me as i couldnt even go out for long spells but each of us has their own way of coping and i hope you find yours but please feel free to p.m. me if you want to chat.

 

[bluesky496]

I very rarely start threads. I very rarely deal with serious topics. I am, by and large, an uninhibited flirt with no redeeming value to society. However, in the past few weeks I have been dealing (not well) with a serious slide into clinical depression. As most people are aware, clinical depression is very different from sadness in that there is (usually) a chemical imbalance in the brain that makes the lows exceedingly bad.

I have tried to get help in my way. I have tried talking to others who have some experience in dealing with it and I am attempting to get re-evaluated to make sure that my initial diagnosis (from over 20 years ago) is still valid.

The reason I am putting all of my business out on the board is simple. GLBT people of all stripes experience this at one time or another and in the case of people transitioning from one gender to another, this can be very hard to deal with. Others have experienced a loss of a life partner or are working from emotional baggage that comes from living a life out...or hidden.

I want this thread to be a place of support. A place to engage in helpful conversation, to give advice, to promote outreach. I would appreciate it immensely if you would keep your negativity away from the thread. Don't come here to poke prod or otherwise abuse the real people who are dealing with this. Instead, please use this thread as a way to make connections~to help someone who may have a need in our community. Someone much like myself.

hello ,it is nice to see a thread about something that affects so many of us and i too have been dealing with the same thing for a long long time and i found that the thing that helped me most was talking to a complete stranger , a mental health nurse , and getting everything out in the open ,just talking about anything and everything and friends calling round with silly little gifts like a bag of lollipops for instance and doing my shopping for me as i couldnt even go out for long spells but each of us has their own way of coping and i hope you find yours but please feel free to p.m. me if you want to chat.

 

[SamScribble]

This is not my part of the Lit site. I’m not sure how I arrived here. Finger error, I suspect. But I’m starting to realise that depression of one sort or another is not at all uncommon.

I’ve probably struggled with bipolarity for most of my life – although it wasn’t until my mid/late 20s that I was formally diagnosed as ‘part of the club’.

I tried drugs – not willingly – but, for me anyway, the ‘cure’ was rather worse than the disease. (I’m just not good with meds.) If I have the time – and that’s important – I find I can manage reasonably well without drugs. But it does take time. And, for me, it does involve exercise and fresh air; it does involve quality sleep; and, most importantly, it does involve a few friends who understand what’s going on. In my own case, one of my ‘understanding friends’ is an online friend who I have never met. That may sound weird; but don’t discount it.

If I was going make suggestions to anyone else (I really hesitate to offer advice as such), I would say that you might want to find a few people with whom you can have a reasonably open conversation. They don’t have to be ‘experts’. They don’t have to be professionals. In my experience, ordinary people (extraordinary people!) are just fine. But don’t dump on them. Don’t expect then to ‘cure’ you. Just talk. Because if you don’t talk to someone else, I suspect you’ll end up having too many negative conversations with yourself. And that’s not good.

If any of this helps, just thank the people who have helped me. I know I should probably thank then more often than I do.

 

[ShyMystica]

EDIT: I used to use this website. I haven't used it as of late, but I would recommend it. It is an online support group. It doesn't just deal with mental illness; but in fact most illnesses, personal problems, life choices, sexual orientation...it really has a group for most things. It is worth a little look.

www.dailystrength.org

 

[vrosej10]

This is not my part of the Lit site. I’m not sure how I arrived here. Finger error, I suspect. But I’m starting to realise that depression of one sort or another is not at all uncommon.

I’ve probably struggled with bipolarity for most of my life – although it wasn’t until my mid/late 20s that I was formally diagnosed as ‘part of the club’.

I tried drugs – not willingly – but, for me anyway, the ‘cure’ was rather worse than the disease. (I’m just not good with meds.) If I have the time – and that’s important – I find I can manage reasonably well without drugs. But it does take time. And, for me, it does involve exercise and fresh air; it does involve quality sleep; and, most importantly, it does involve a few friends who understand what’s going on. In my own case, one of my ‘understanding friends’ is an online friend who I have never met. That may sound weird; but don’t discount it.

If I was going make suggestions to anyone else (I really hesitate to offer advice as such), I would say that you might want to find a few people with whom you can have a reasonably open conversation. They don’t have to be ‘experts’. They don’t have to be professionals. In my experience, ordinary people (extraordinary people!) are just fine. But don’t dump on them. Don’t expect then to ‘cure’ you. Just talk. Because if you don’t talk to someone else, I suspect you’ll end up having too many negative conversations with yourself. And that’s not good.

If any of this helps, just thank the people who have helped me. I know I should probably thank then more often than I do.

I have been bipolar since around the age ten. Medication can work if you get the right combination but that is not an easy thing. It took me nearly twenty years to get the right combo and when I did, it was a revelation. I am a different person. I still have bad periods and my mood fluctuate but the drugs help me moderate the swings and lessen the time spent in low. Behavioural interventions help a lot. A lot of people with this problem aggravate their own situation with bad thinking styles and life style habits.

 

[smj4740]

delete

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Good morning~

I would like to welcome the newest people who stopped through and hug my friend Shy because I know she caught my downward spiral last night and felt compelled to come search me out.

I have a tendency when I am going down to write it all out, to put it on a blank space and leave it there. I also have tendency to withdrawal from those who offer me support and kindness because the darker it seems, the less I feel like talking. Feeling worthlessness isn't the worst part. For most of my life, I have experienced that and I have learned (for the most part) to keep those feelings at bay. The worst part, for me, is becoming someone I don't like.

Being rude, sarcastic, unable to smile, unable to concentrate, to focus. Snappish, unbalanced, exceedingly tempermental, angry, needing to destroy something~me, another person. Some of these things are ok but when they combine, I am NOT me. I am an alien. That is when the withdrawal hastens, because I am scared that I will do some sort of damage to those who try to help.

I am not suicidal. I tried it twice....8 or 9 years apart and the last attempt was before my mum passed away. It wasn't a cry for help. I planned for it. I sent my kids to my mother's for the weekend, saved up two months worth of sleeping pills. Sent my girl to work. And then I proceeded to take upwards of 80 Trazadone with a fifth of ice cold vodka. I am only here now because my girl forgot something and came home way earlier than expected.

It was then (when I woke up in the hospital after having my stomach pumped) that I knew I would never try that again. Not because I cared about how others felt but because there had to be SOMETHING, SOMEONE, who wanted me to stay put...to be HERE. I haven't attempted suicide since 2003 and for the most part, I still believe I have a purpose, I still think I need to be here.

What my depression, spiral, bottoming out does? It takes away that belief. It eats at it. Because no one who feels as worthless as I feel has any idea what they are really here for. Things are no longer bedrock, they are sand. That is the place I am in. That is the trouble I see, that is what I am fighting.

Not the urge to hurt myself, but the bedrock belief that my purpose here, came and went and I never once accomplished it. That I never will. That when my children are grown and gone...I will have nothing left that I can point out and say "I did this. I saved this." I am a Daddi. And to not be able to look at my legacy with pride? Breaks me.

It is tiring. It is demoralizing. It is hard.

 

[Etoile]

Another thought~if anyone knows good, reputable, GLBT friendly psychologists, therapists or programs..please leave a note. Sometimes the hardest step is connecting with someone who understands the specific needs of those living an alternative lifestyle. Even if no one ever says thank you~a recommendation could be the thing that stops a suicide attempt or ushers someone toward the help they need.

Thank you.

The Kink-Aware Professionals list is an outstanding resource; I found a therapist there and she was truly excellent in understanding poly, queer, and kinky issues. Those of you who don't identify as kinky, don't be put off by the name. These are people who are understanding of - and positive toward - a whole range of issues related to sexuality. They won't judge you, won't try to make you turn straight, etc.

More from me about depression later, I think.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

The Kink-Aware Professionals list is an outstanding resource; I found a therapist there and she was truly excellent in understanding poly, queer, and kinky issues. Those of you who don't identify as kinky, don't be put off by the name. These are people who are understanding of - and positive toward - a whole range of issues related to sexuality. They won't judge you, won't try to make you turn straight, etc.

More from me about depression later, I think.

Thanks Etoile~ for the link and for understanding what I wanted to do when I asked you about starting this thread. I appreaciate it.

 

[CJontherocks]

I want to say this because, Luna, you have inspired me to say it out loud. Because maybe if I write it down and read it, I will realize how ugly it is and keep that in the back of my mind always. I am not an outspoken person. I do not share my feelings or thoughts with others easily, so to talk to someone is out of the question. This is the only way I can think of to get it off my chest.

The year 1981 was my high school graduating class. But instead of studying for finals, writing term papers and getting fitted for a cap and gown, I was spending my obligatory 28 days in a mental health care facility after downing a half-bottle of valium and whatever else I could find in my dead grandmother's medicine cabinet. I was in a bad place, not clinically depressed, but young and scared and failing and without a support structure (a circumstance of my own doing). I finished the regimen, attended a number of follow-up sessions with my psychiatrist, and eventually was empowered in a final discussion with a stand-in psychologist to take charge of my life and go where I needed to go. I was cured. But what I have never forgotten from that experience was something I read while researching the subject of teen suicide. Those who attempt suicide are likely to repeat.

Skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead... my life got better and I grew up, finished high school, became proud of myself, came to terms with my sexuality, blah blah blah... that all changed in 2006 as I reached "mid-life crisis," divorced, retired, moved away from my home, experienced overwhelming sadness that to this day makes me cry, and became trapped in a situation I cannot see any graceful way out of.

And here I am now in much the same place I was thirty years ago. Separated from those I know as my family, failing as a productive member of society; hell, I'm even back in school (though my GPA is considerably higher than it was in 1981). I'm not happy where I am, and I see no way out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's so far away that sometimes it is hard to imagine I will in the end succeed.

And now I own a gun. As recently as a year or so ago, I began to entertain thoughts of using it on myself when times are particularly stressful.

**there is a pause here as I stare at that last statement**

I'd like to believe the sole reason for this idea is because I now own the means to do it. So I should get rid of the gun? No. I need it for my job. Get out of this situation? No. That would send me backward, a failure I'm afraid I might not survive. What keeps me from using it? Many things. The light at the end of the tunnel, mostly. I have never quit anything since 1981. That was the result of my experience with the pills. My family loves me. I can't leave my daughters with the sadness of losing their dad alongside the sadness of losing their sister. I can't leave my wife to clean up afterward. I can't let my co-workers think of me as weak or pathetic or pitiful. And there is so very much to live for if I can hold out for another year or so that I just can't imagine giving up on my dream.

I am not suicidal. I don't need a pep talk. I don't have a plan, and I haven't thought it through. The idea has popped into my head a few times as a quick way to alleviate my misery when I'm feeling stressed out or lonely. I just needed to see those words in paragraph 5 to visualize the impact of that statement and appreciate the ugliness of that idea. I know I have much more to live for than I have to die for, and while my current gratification level is in the very low numbers, I do have hope.

If I have a point here in bothering you with all this, it's that I believe anyone can have suicidal thoughts. I had a conversation with a young man once who seemed so self-assured, seeking advice for his future and talking about the beautiful things in his life. Less than a year later, he lay dead at his own hand. The sadness of that affected me greatly, and I cannot bear the thought of bringing that sadness to others. I think suicidal thoughts are quite common, but become truly dangerous when one believes their own death will benefit others; when one perceives their hopelessness to reach forever, or at least for longer than they're willing to endure.

I realize this thread was started to offer a forum to discuss clinical depression. I hope you'll indulge my use of it to address my own acute issue with sadness.

 

[Lilac_Sky]

What a wonderful thread of support. Thank you so very much to those who posted links to find open-minded professionals (coincidentally i had an encounter with a judgemental doctor just last night).

I was originally diagnosed with seasonal depression, but that has since been updated to clinical depression and general anxiety. More recently, I have been showing symptoms of bi-polar disorder and i wonder if i have been mis-diagnosed by the doctors in my "small town." I have been on medication for several years and it has made a wonderful difference for me, though i really wish i didn't need it.

There have been numerous times in my life when I thought of harming myself. In fact, most recently just a few months ago. Actually, this is the first time i ever admitted that to anyone. *pause* I think that is part of what has always made my depression worse .... that i have felt that i would lose those who were important to me if they knew how close i could come to hurting myself. In addition, my significant other at the time became angry at me when my depression or anxiety overwhelmed me. "Why are you upset? You have nothing to be depressed about. You have a wonderful life. You are such a fucking baby." Of course that only made me feel more incompetent ... which is the last thing i needed. So, i have made changes in my life to get away from that influence. But i know that depression and anxiety are issues that i will always face and need to be prepared for. *sigh* Sometimes that is easier than others.

So .... (((((hugs))))) to those who are struggling ... you are not alone, there are people who understand and care.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

CJ~thank you for shariing. A LOT of what you wrote resonates with me in a very odd way. Like there are words I could have said, things I have thought, needs I leave unfulfilled. They seem selfish and heartless but in times of real stress, I contemplate, I think and it is a choice...over and over....that keeps me here. That will not allow me to do more than think it.

Lilac Sky~Hello darlin'. I know on some inner level the amount of pain hidden behind all of your words. I have from your first incarnation. I know it now. Thanks for coming, even if it was just to encourage others to keep their heads up.

You are a blessing, just like your sister.

I am at work now, because I need the regulation of a schedule to help me focus. I need some sort of interaction that will take me out of my head. I will be taking myself to the hospital after work today. I don't think I can function anymore without more help than I am allowing myself to receive now.

I am terrifed. Honestly, completely terrified.

Everyone, be blessed.

 

[Annisthyrienne]

*Hugs to my Sister* You know I am always available if you want to talk about stuff like this.

Sincere appreciation for my friend Gladiator. Maybe we won't ever really know how close or not you were that night, but if my story helped you then, I'm glad. I'm really glad we both are still here to support each other.

Luna, honey, you make me feel hopeful and worried about you all at the same time. You are doing all the right things to get help, get better. Exercise, activity, talking to people, reaching out for help, staying in a focused regimen like your work, etc. But I still worry about you. I just hope you get better soon.

You asked about the spiritual stuff. I searched for a long time for meaning. I went from a Christian upbringing to believing there was no god I wanted any part of, to Wicca, to Native American spiritualism, to Buddhism to Doaism, to Theosophy and then to those books I mentioned (Conversations with God). I've been all over the map. But those books made the most sense to me of anything.

They are just books, no dogma, no set rituals you have to do. Just read them, a few words, a few paragraphs, a chapter or however much you feel drawn to read. I truly believe that we are drawn, led, directed to our informational sources by a higher power when we need the knowledge the most. I promise you those books, if you are ready for the ideas they contain, will change your life.

As for whether its normal to lessen your spiritual activity, I'm not sure. It would seem to make sense to me that if you were getting the fulfillment you needed from it, that you would crave more, not less. I suppose everyone is different. For me, it didn't seem to do much good to go through the rituals when they held little or no meaning for me. My quest has been all about finding meaning for all of this. I suspect it is a never ending quest, but the books I mentioned are closer than anything else for me.

To everyone who posts here or reads these words, please don't underestimate those suicidal thoughts. It only takes one time that you act on them, and you never get to take it back. There are no do-overs if you succeed. And here is something else to consider, if you believe in reincarnation. What good does it do to check out of here early if you just end up having to face these same life lessons in another incarnation? Might as well get through it this time and get it over with.

I had a thought last night in my dreams about something I said in a previous post. Some days, its all you can do to survive. Don't feel bad about this. Survival is victory! Don't believe me, ask any soldier who has been in a battle. When the bullets are flying and the bombs are going off all around, there is no pondering of higher political objectives. There is no wondering who's country is right or wrong. There is no concern about whether your patriotism is appropriate or strong enough. There is only one thing on that soldier's mind: Will I still be alive when this is over? He will tell you that victory is being the one still standing and alive when the battle ends. Victory is surviving.

And now, as much as I want to continue to be a part of this conversation, I have to pace myself, only checking in here once in a while, then going away for at least a few hours. The emotional intensity, for me at least, is still too raw to live in for long. Bless each of you.

 

[Vixandra]

snip
Being rude, sarcastic, unable to smile, unable to concentrate, to focus. Snappish, unbalanced, exceedingly tempermental, angry, needing to destroy something~me, another person. Some of these things are ok but when they combine, I am NOT me. I am an alien. That is when the withdrawal hastens, because I am scared that I will do some sort of damage to those who try to help.

snip

What my depression, spiral, bottoming out does? It takes away that belief. It eats at it. Because no one who feels as worthless as I feel has any idea what they are really here for. Things are no longer bedrock, they are sand. That is the place I am in. That is the trouble I see, that is what I am fighting.

Not the urge to hurt myself, but the bedrock belief that my purpose here, came and went and I never once accomplished it. That I never will. That when my children are grown and gone...I will have nothing left that I can point out and say "I did this. I saved this." I am a Daddi. And to not be able to look at my legacy with pride? Breaks me.

It is tiring. It is demoralizing. It is hard.

The responses to this thread are amazing and so is everyone who shared their story. As someone who has fought with clinical depression and now has a condition that mirrors so many of the symptoms that it can cause it, I have been down some of the same dark paths.

I am usually pretty blunt but I become cruel with both sarcasm and raw honesty when I'm depressed. I can see myself being mean simply because lashing out is a way of sharing the pain I feel inside. A way of bleeding off some of that deep-set combination of pain/self-loathing/fear/fury/helplessness/frustration. My depressions involve instant furies that turn the world into a place not worth looking at, at least through my eyes.

It was back in 2003 when I was first diagnosed with depression and put on a merry-go-round of anti-depressants to find something that worked. After six months of searching, we found one that worked to help me get back on my mental feet and find an inner calm.

Fast forward to fall of last year and things started to get bad again. A summer of pain, fatigue and frustration culminated in a diagnosis of fibromyalgia. I wouldn't wish that on anyone and yet I was brought low by it. It's still kicking my ass and will for the rest of my life (boo for conditions without cures).

It is incredibly difficult to get up each day knowing there will be pain that I didn't "earn." I didn't hike two miles yesterday or fall on my side, yet my hips spasm and hurt anyway. Can't find any logical or medical reason why I see spots at random, sometimes to the point they occlude my vision. It's really hard not to wallow in that pit of fury/despair over it.

What helps me is a support group- people that have been or are going down a similar or same path. Fetlife has a couple of FMS boards that have been a tremendous help. Having people to talk to, rant to, and cheer for that cheer back helps.

This thread is something like that, as far as I see it. Annisthyrienne made a very good point- your life isn't yours alone and no one leaves this world without others mourning their passage, even if it feels like they are completely alone sometimes.

*hugs for everyone who wants one*

 

[vrosej10]

Good morning~

I would like to welcome the newest people who stopped through and hug my friend Shy because I know she caught my downward spiral last night and felt compelled to come search me out.

I have a tendency when I am going down to write it all out, to put it on a blank space and leave it there. I also have tendency to withdrawal from those who offer me support and kindness because the darker it seems, the less I feel like talking. Feeling worthlessness isn't the worst part. For most of my life, I have experienced that and I have learned (for the most part) to keep those feelings at bay. The worst part, for me, is becoming someone I don't like.

Being rude, sarcastic, unable to smile, unable to concentrate, to focus. Snappish, unbalanced, exceedingly tempermental, angry, needing to destroy something~me, another person. Some of these things are ok but when they combine, I am NOT me. I am an alien. That is when the withdrawal hastens, because I am scared that I will do some sort of damage to those who try to help.

I am not suicidal. I tried it twice....8 or 9 years apart and the last attempt was before my mum passed away. It wasn't a cry for help. I planned for it. I sent my kids to my mother's for the weekend, saved up two months worth of sleeping pills. Sent my girl to work. And then I proceeded to take upwards of 80 Trazadone with a fifth of ice cold vodka. I am only here now because my girl forgot something and came home way earlier than expected.

It was then (when I woke up in the hospital after having my stomach pumped) that I knew I would never try that again. Not because I cared about how others felt but because there had to be SOMETHING, SOMEONE, who wanted me to stay put...to be HERE. I haven't attempted suicide since 2003 and for the most part, I still believe I have a purpose, I still think I need to be here.

What my depression, spiral, bottoming out does? It takes away that belief. It eats at it. Because no one who feels as worthless as I feel has any idea what they are really here for. Things are no longer bedrock, they are sand. That is the place I am in. That is the trouble I see, that is what I am fighting.

Not the urge to hurt myself, but the bedrock belief that my purpose here, came and went and I never once accomplished it. That I never will. That when my children are grown and gone...I will have nothing left that I can point out and say "I did this. I saved this." I am a Daddi. And to not be able to look at my legacy with pride? Breaks me.

It is tiring. It is demoralizing. It is hard.

I am sorry to hear you suffer too Luna. You are always one of the nicest people on Lit and the thought of you going through some of the shit I have, is horrible. The hardest part when one is depressed is having enough perspective to realise that eventually you will feel better. Everytime I have an attack I become convinced it is for forever...

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

This thread contains so many good things and so many supportive people that I thought a ray of sunshine should be offered.

My first eval shows that I am Bipolar II. Because I am no longer deep in darkness (for the most part because of the encouragement of my friends on LIT and in the RW) I was not admitted to the hospital...I go back to meet with Intake tomorrow morning and try to set up a course of action.

I wanted to thank everyone who came to offer advice, discussion, help, support. I am hoping that this thread becomes a place for others to gain the support they need, like it was for me. I do plan on keeping this alive, because any sort of darkness can only be banished when we shine a bright light upon it.

The people who have come here and shared their strengths with me are my light...I hope that one day, I can be someone else's.

Thanks guys.

 

[CJontherocks]

The people who have come here and shared their strengths with me are my light...I hope that one day, I can be someone else's.

Thanks guys.

She's baaaaaaaaaaack...

My guess is you already are someone else's light... many someones. And I don't really have to guess.

Glad to hear you're feeling a little better, Luna. And happy Mother's Day!

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

She's baaaaaaaaaaack...

My guess is you already are someone else's light... many someones. And I don't really have to guess.

Glad to hear you're feeling a little better, Luna. And happy Mother's Day!

Thanks CJ!

*blows a kiss*

am on my way to bed. Intake is at 10 am ....*sigh*

Have a blessed night.

 

[ShyMystica]

I would like to welcome the newest people who stopped through and hug my friend Shy because I know she caught my downward spiral last night and felt compelled to come search me out.

*pounces Luna with a friendly, heartfelt hug*
I didn't see this. But I suppose better late then never.

*soft smile and a kiss to your cheek*
I hope you are doing well today sweet Luna.

 

[none2_none2]

none2~

Thank you. I wanted to know about other people's dealings because it helps me to put my own into some sort of perspective. Clinical depression and bi-polar run through both sides of my family so I know that when I get like this I need something~talking it out just won't fix it.

Personally, I think you are a very strong person to deal with your stressors and not require medicine yet. That says a lot about the type of person you are but the truth is until I know that the clinical depression diagnosis (from age 14 and again at 21 when I attempted suicide) is correct I can't take my meds. I have been on zoloft off and on for years (with trazadone to help me sleep as I suffer severe bouts of insomnia) but if I have been misdiagnosed, the zoloft will push me closer to suicidal behaviours. That is scary, considering where my brain was before I started this talk, this thread.

And the thing is, I want to learn about other people. I NEED to. It's in my make-up. Be noisy, talk, flirt outrageously~even when you hurt. That is what I do. When I can no longer even fake it? It's time for help. So thank you for coming and sharing. Thank you for taking the time. Most people don't or won't. I appreciate that YOU have.

CJ~

I appreciate your dropping in. The more I see of you, the gladder I am to know you. You are a complete gentleman.

I do think it helps to hear other stories. On one had it makes us feel less alone. Sometimes, there is one of those stories that sticks out and says: "Yes, that's like me". Another strong point is that not to patronize anybody, but when someone else has it worse (ie death, terminal illness, etc), it puts our own stuff in perspective.

I remember years ago I was in one of those oh woe is me in two areas: career, and f-buddies that didn't want anything more serious. I was talking with someone online, and then they got pissed. They said they were in Colorado, but that they had been in Afghanistan (1990's - pre-9/11> He claimed that some lover had been killed by the Talibahn. Now online, it is always possible that someone is pulling your leg. Nevertheless, it was a slap in the face (or cold water) to realize that it is POSSIBLE that someone else has real "shit" to deal with, and my own stuff is minor.

A self-obeservation that I want to mention. One of my charastics that someone may see as a flaw is that I don't dwell on positive happenings nor things that I have solved even if it was just an hour ago. If I did well at something, then yes for the moment I'm elated, and it gives me a boost. However, I do not DWELL on it. So even on minor conversations I may seem negative because they are not peppered with these positive moments.

For example, I remember telling someone years ago how I was struggling with what car I would get to replace my car that was falling apart. I had some other topics of a similar nature during that conversation. The guy was a jerk, but that aside he wondered why I was talking about "problems" and not solutions or positive events. Well for me yes there were things I solved and positive things that happened. Logically, I just don't see the need to discuss something that is fine and done. It's time for the next problem or issue... So in other words I am focusing on what really can be perceived as negative.

I wonder if maybe for some of us, we need to dwell on solutions we have had and positive things even if it seems silly. Perhaps there is some healthy "mental" traits to that behavior. We can all make jokes about the guy who is full of himself and bragging, or the grandma who dwells on photos in her purse of her grandkids. However, maybe those kinds of people have the right idea. Maybe their mindset is the one that keeps THEM mentally healthy even if to the listener it seems boring or redundant -- especially if we have heard it from them more than once.