Discreet Bi Women...

[Minouners]

I'm a college student who wants to be discreet just because these are new feelings. I don't want to be judged by my friends or family but I still want to experiment. I don't really know how to go about any of this...

You won't be judged here that's for sure... tell us about yourself so that we can maybe help you find a way to go about this...

(if you're not comfortable here, you can always message me!)

 

[Macy02]

I guess my central question is, what do we tell the various women who have posted on this thread, the ones who are scared shitless about making first contact?

Women who aren't afraid of taking initiative don't need a "how-to" (at least they don't need this particular how-to). It's the ones who *are* hesitant that I'm trying to address.

BTW: what would you say are the worst problems for a primarily-straight woman? I'm guessing that fear of being outed would be one and dealing with husband's/boyfriend's jealousy would be another.

Jealousy is a major issue for any kind of polyamory. I actually have an article in the works on the subject, but that's one that I don't really need help with.

Hello all.
I have some thoughts. Yes I agree Angela, for me the primary problem is how to find someone.
The issue starts with - I'm in a marriage that i'm not looking to leave so this means I would want to meet someone I could explore with but I am not looking for a full blown romantic relationship. This is why I like the idea of Friends with Benefits (but still how does one meet such a person if none of my current friends would be potential candidates) and I would consider a threesome (including dh).

That said, I don't have a clue how to meet someone who is looking for the same. Also I have no problem with the other woman being more experienced than me, in fact it might be a good idea (this might be a different issue by it's self).
I've never really been one to make "first contact" even before I met dh...which was many years ago. So I really don't think I know how at all.

I'm definitely curious to see what the rest of you have to say on this.

As for the other two problems - jealousy - for me this is not a problem, dh and I are more secure than ever in our committment to each other, communication is the key to this - we've been doing alot of work on this one.

Being outted - hence the title of this thread, "discretion" - I don't care what anyone else does in his/her bedroom, it's their business and I feel like what I do in mine is my own business. For me it's not about being "outed" it's simply a matter of privacy.

Macy

 

[bequ23]

Hello everyone,

The wonderful thing about this thread is that we can share. And not feel like we are alone. I don't know if I will ever do anything about my fantasies but I feel better knowing I"m not the only one. So Thank you all for being here. And those of you who have felt like ranting.....Feel free to rant any time....we'll be here for each other.

Welcome to those new posters....glad you found us.

Macy

I am still not used to sharing with other people about my feelings and it amazes me how many other women feel the same way. I also am not looking to leave my marriage, but I am feeling like there is something missing. When my husband and I first got together, he was ending a relationship with another man, so I knew he was bi. On our first date we talked about the straight/gay scale and I told him I definately felt like I was closer to the middle even though I had never been with another woman.


We talked alot in the next 2 years before we got married and even talked about being with someone else but being honest with each other about it. Nothing ever happened with either of us but we did investigate swingers clubs. (I don't even know if they do M/M and F/F swings.)

In the past few years I have been fantasizing more and more about other women and reading lots of lesbian erotica. One day my husband was singing "Sandman" and I said if he got a "him", I should get a "her". He said, "Oh, come on, you know you're NOT a lesbian!" That really hurt when he said that. It felt like he was discounting all the feelings I shared with him over the years.

He knows I have been reading lesbian erotica and I have told him I fantasize about women, but he just seems to get a look like he knows better than me.

As more time passes the more I want to meet another woman with whom to share my sexuality. I still need more info about meeting another woman. Do you suggest going to gay bars or posting on lesbian personals? HELP!

Sorry for the rant, but I saw so many other newbies doing it, I finally got the courage to share. Thanks for listening (ah - reading).

 

[TitilateMe]

I have the same concerns as the other ladies about the issues. I've always wondered how to meet someone for that first encounter. I suppose I could approach the woman I had the attraction with long ago, but both of us are in different places now in our lives. (We're still friends, and I still feel attracted to her.)

I've never even chatted online with another woman in any sort of sexual way. I'm just paralyzed, I think.

 

[Minouners]

You know... the more I read these posts the more I wonder. Why couldn't we all just live close to each other and just have one big meeting! It would be so nice and we're already comfortable with each other so the first encounter would be sooooooooo easy!!!! sigh

 

[bequ23]

You know... the more I read these posts the more I wonder. Why couldn't we all just live close to each other and just have one big meeting! It would be so nice and we're already comfortable with each other so the first encounter would be sooooooooo easy!!!! sigh

BIG Sigh! You're getting me hot just thinking about it!

 

[Minouners]

BIG Sigh! You're getting me hot just thinking about it!

Is all I have to say! lol

 

[bidemoness226]

Hi, ladies

I just read the last page in this thread that I started so long ago that at the time didn't really go where I'd hoped.... and I'm so happy to see a group of women getting the support they've been looking for. I've been MIA due to a multitude of reasons, and I definitely do not want to interrupt the current flow of the thread. But I do hope it continues along these same lines.

I'm married to a saint of a man, and also in a relationship with a woman that I keep completely private. It can be done and at least for me, it is very rewarding on all ends (literally and figuratively) ::wink::

Anyway, I wish all of you the best.

 

[PantyLisa18]

Admittadly I am in a different position that many here because I am in a LTR that involves another woman. So I don't currently have issues trying to figure out any issues with being bi-curious and how to explore them.

That being said, I do have some possible insights. First question you need to ask yourself is is your bi-ness(new word) purely sexual in nature or could you see yourself in a loving relationship as well?

I think this is important because the approach is entirely different. If its just a fuck you are after, there are a few possible solutions. Try a swing club. Swing clubs are very much infiltrated with women who are bisexual. Or you could try placing an add on one of the many swinger sites on the internet.

I have heard of some women that actually went to legal brothels in Nevada to try their first encounter. Not my cup of tea, but on some level it makes logical sense because there is no obligation beyond the night in question.

There are other "adult" oriented places to visit- such as Vegas, Hedonism, New Orleans, where taking the risk of approaching a female simply for sex would not be viewed as anything to be ashamed of.

If it is a relationship you are after, that is probably a bit tougher. Again I often wonder if some form of ad on the internet is appropriate. You can maintain some annonimity while still searching in an emotionally safe way (you could start as pen pals, shoping pals, whatever).

My situation was very much different. The woman in my life has been in my life for years. We met in college and became friends first, before we even knew or discussed our sexual orientation with each other. So it kind of fell in our laps so to speak.

 

[nici]

I need some help...

This doesn't usually work between two straight women. If both women are trying to get the other woman to make the first move, it ain't gonna happen. Quite often, neither woman realizes that the the other woman isn't likely to take the initiative.

But, *somebody* has to take the initiative.

That means either

A. You have to take the initiative, or
B. You have to be willing to sit back and wait for another straight woman to decide to take the first step, or
C. You have to make yourself known to someone who is more experienced than you - someone who knows the "initiative" problem and knows how to seduce you and is willing to do it. [/i]

I don't feel that this problem has anything to do with being bisexual. It's a very common problem also in the gay/lez community. "How do two femmes, who have an attraction to each other, over come shyness and express that attraction, without stepping outside of their own comfort zone?"

Since I don't like stepping out of my comfort zone, I personally stay with assertive (butch) males and females. For me, a strong part of my sexuality is seeing, knowing the other's desire.

I do though have a question for all of you.

I'm single and considered myself lesbian until a short while ago. For me personally, I simply think that in my bisexuality, I could have either a monogamous life-partner from either gender.

Yet, a lot of you are married. Therefore, do you think of having relationships with more than one person as:
A. Cheating
B. Polygamy/Polyamory
C. Swinging
D. Open Marriage (spouse monogam, you polygam)
E. Something else

Would you consider having a relationship with a man cheating, but with a woman not?

 

[Macy02]

I don't feel that this problem has anything to do with being bisexual. It's a very common problem also in the gay/lez community. "How do two femmes, who have an attraction to each other, over come shyness and express that attraction, without stepping outside of their own comfort zone?"

Since I don't like stepping out of my comfort zone, I personally stay with assertive (butch) males and females. For me, a strong part of my sexuality is seeing, knowing the other's desire.

I do though have a question for all of you.

I'm single and considered myself lesbian until a short while ago. For me personally, I simply think that in my bisexuality, I could have either a monogamous life-partner from either gender.

Yet, a lot of you are married. Therefore, do you think of having relationships with more than one person as:
A. Cheating
B. Polygamy/Polyamory
C. Swinging
D. Open Marriage (spouse monogam, you polygam)
E. Something else

Would you consider having a relationship with a man cheating, but with a woman not?

I think stepping out of our comfort zone is probably the main problem. I like Min's suggestion of a grand meeting....or at least a way to identify one another.....

As for your question my personal opinion is that "cheating" is defined as having a sexual relationship without your significant others knowledge/consent - regardless of the gender(s) of the people involved.

PS - Min I hope you are feeling well these days.

 

[aussie_ella]

I don't feel that this problem has anything to do with being bisexual. It's a very common problem also in the gay/lez community. "How do two femmes, who have an attraction to each other, over come shyness and express that attraction, without stepping outside of their own comfort zone?"

Since I don't like stepping out of my comfort zone, I personally stay with assertive (butch) males and females. For me, a strong part of my sexuality is seeing, knowing the other's desire.

I do though have a question for all of you.

I'm single and considered myself lesbian until a short while ago. For me personally, I simply think that in my bisexuality, I could have either a monogamous life-partner from either gender.

Yet, a lot of you are married. Therefore, do you think of having relationships with more than one person as:
A. Cheating
B. Polygamy/Polyamory
C. Swinging
D. Open Marriage (spouse monogam, you polygam)
E. Something else

Would you consider having a relationship with a man cheating, but with a woman not?

I completely agree with you putting this question. I've been with a few 'straight' women over the past couple of years, and most have been in relationships (both marriage and defacto) with men when we've had sex, or kissed, or whatever. I find it very interesting that they don't think they're cheating, and their male partners don't take it seriously either! They are also the ones who initiate the sexual contact once they find out I'm into women.

Very interesting.....

 

[maggie_the_cat]

You just hit on the biggest hurdle I have- because to me it would be cheating. I am happily married to a great guy with an amazing little boy. I have brought up the idea of being curious about women to him- even suggested we pursue something during a trip to Vegas some time back. He is not in any way interested in this.

While I would not be willing to completely subjugate myself to any relationship- I have always thought of this as a curiosity- not something necessary to my sense of self, but something I would really like to experience- the feeling of another woman’s lips on mine.

Because pursuing it would mean going behind my husband’s back, I do see it as cheating and am therefore at an impasse. Add to that the fact that it’s not like walking into a strange bar and “picking up”. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. So thank you all for letting me “listen in” and at least not feel like I am quite all alone.

 

[nici]

I completely agree with you putting this question. I've been with a few 'straight' women over the past couple of years, and most have been in relationships (both marriage and defacto) with men when we've had sex, or kissed, or whatever. I find it very interesting that they don't think they're cheating, and their male partners don't take it seriously either! They are also the ones who initiate the sexual contact once they find out I'm into women.

Very interesting.....

I know I’m going to be a bit blunt and negative in my statements. There’s still just too much lez in me not to answer, as I must.

I find the thought pattern, “It’s not cheating because we are both women,” ludicrous. That’s so much like saying, “Since we’re both women, its not real, but only a game. I can’t take you seriously.” Ugh, how male of them! Without any regrets, I’d walk away.

Same holds true for husbands that really don’t get that their wife’s relationship to an other woman could be much more dangerous, far less “just sex” than any relationship she could have with a male. For me, het sex can be animalistic and very primeval… total instinctual… mindless mating. Queer sex is never that for me, but far, far deeper emotionally than het has ever been.

I find both cases to be disrespectful of, themselves, our feminine sexuality, women in general, and me.

I have nothing against dating a single straight, but a married straight? No way! Even if hubby is happy with the situation that’s just too much baggage that I don’t need.

 

[nici]

You just hit on the biggest hurdle I have- because to me it would be cheating. I am happily married to a great guy with an amazing little boy. I have brought up the idea of being curious about women to him- even suggested we pursue something during a trip to Vegas some time back. He is not in any way interested in this.

While I would not be willing to completely subjugate myself to any relationship- I have always thought of this as a curiosity- not something necessary to my sense of self, but something I would really like to experience- the feeling of another woman’s lips on mine.

Because pursuing it would mean going behind my husband’s back, I do see it as cheating and am therefore at an impasse. Add to that the fact that it’s not like walking into a strange bar and “picking up”. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. So thank you all for letting me “listen in” and at least not feel like I am quite all alone.

I do not feel there is anything unusual about your situation. Tons of bisexuals live monogamously with their life partners in the lez scene. Being bisexual means that you could have a life partner of either gender. It does not mean you need to have both.

Too much PR is made about us being the hot bi-chick bimbos, who want sex with anyone, anywhere, anytime. That is just so much a crock of testosterone overdosed BS. It’s just another sexist image that we have fallen for.

Have you ever flirted or kissed some other man than your husband at a party and no one thought anything of it? If then, then there is your outlet to try out your bi-sexuality without hurting yourself or your marriage.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

If you don't mind a man's opinion amongst all of your female views....though I know that this is addressing an issue geared toward women....it does affect men, especially boyfriends and/or husbands, in terms of what they decide to do if they find out....

While I don't share nici's view that hetero sex is necessarily less romantic than girl/girl sex....I can see where it often can be...and there is certainly a more atavistic aspect to hetero sex, which is not necessarily a bad thing...just, different, and the contrast might make some women like the Sapphic sex more in some cases....I also don't think that all poly bi girls are necessarily bimbos or promiscuous....simply because they wish to explore swinging or group sex with certain trusted friends or other people that belong to a limited, friendly, understanding circle...or a group marriage.....though I'm not sure that nici meant it that way....she might have just referred to a stereotype that bisexual women are automatically promiscuous...I could understand her outrage over that, being a bisexual man...I'd find the notion that I'm going to glory holes and having anonymous, indiscriminate sex with total strangers a bit infuriating and insulting as well...

Anyway, I certainly understand, concur with, and applaud her statements regarding bisexual cheating.....am very glad that not every bisexual woman is trying the kind of gimmick that the wife in New Hampshire did....claiming that it wasn't infidelity because it was not procreative (spurious logic that the New Hampshire high court sadly accepted.....good news for cheating husbands who might decide to sleep with men, transsexuals, or even infertile women by that standard, btw)...anyway, I am pleased to see that not everyone buys into that "eatin' ain't cheatin'" claptrap....

 

[Macy02]

I'm glad to see we are getting a man's view too - thank you Severus, you are correct this can effect the men in a our lives. You make many good points.

And many of the the last pages of post are right on target for how I feel, especially with regards to "how to make first contact". I still dont have the answer though. Originally I thought getting dh over the idea was going to be my biggest hurdle, now I think it might be getting over my own fears.....

M

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

I'm glad to see we are getting a man's view too - thank you Severus, you are correct this can effect the men in a our lives. You make many good points.

And many of the the last pages of post are right on target for how I feel, especially with regards to "how to make first contact". I still dont have the answer though. Originally I thought getting dh over the idea was going to be my biggest hurdle, now I think it might be getting over my own fears.....

M

Thank you. I figured that a man's POV might help a bit....particularly a bisexual man, who deals with the issue of people's expectations and assumptions, as well as the stigma in similar ways (actually, it's harder for a bi guy in a way...no offense, but we're not as chic as bi girls). So I can understand the issues...to a point....I don't have the issue of coming out to my girl, because I told her from the outset that I'm bi. I did that because we met in a forum and a setting that was more sexually open, so we both knew that we were more open-minded about such things. And because while it was scary to tell her, anyway, I'd rather be rejected for what I am than have someone fall in love with an illusion instead of me. If it had come out later, and she hadn't been open to it, it would have caused issues....same as if I had promised her monogamy, which I never did and never will. I wanted her to know from the very beginning that I'm poly and bi, as well as Dom.

Then again, I already knew.....I am not going to judge people for not knowing what they were when they started their relationships or for not revealing it to their mates....it's a scary admission for a lot of people....though I do hope that none of you decide to cheat....though I can't judge too much on that account, as I once had an affair with a married woman myself. Doesn't make cheating right, however.

 

[Macy02]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]You are welcome Severus.

One of my favorite things about forums -this one in particular - is we are here to discuss ideas and fortunately in this one most people seem to be leaving the judgements at the door. Thank you ALL for being respectful - we can disagree but to do it respectfully is what makes this forum work.

I also agree it does seem like it might be a little harder for bi guys - why is it "chic" for bi girls? but not men? Double standard of society perhaps? [/FONT]

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]You are welcome Severus.

One of my favorite things about forums -this one in particular - is we are here to discuss ideas and fortunately in this one most people seem to be leaving the judgements at the door. Thank you ALL for being respectful - we can disagree but to do it respectfully is what makes this forum work.

I also agree it does seem like it might be a little harder for bi guys - why is it "chic" for bi girls? but not men? Double standard of society perhaps? [/FONT]

Almost certainly. After all, there are no passages in Leviticus about lesbianism. There are about men together. Also, somehow, male bisexuality is often confused with homosexuality. I know that I felt that way myself, back in the past, due to having a Baptist preacher for a father. You know, the hellfire and brimstone type. It is also associated with being less masculine, in some form. Definitely a cultural thing. If anyone doubts me on that, just consider the prevalence of M/M sex in the Spartan army. And the Sacred Band of Thebes was an elite unit of gay lovers who fought in pairs. Yet, in our culture, bisexuality and homosexuality is assumed to be a sign of weakness and being effeminate. I laugh when I hear such assumptions today, thinking of old King Frederick William of Prussia, the father of Frederick the Great. There was a reason that he was very fond of the tall, blonde soldiers in his front ranks.

 

[nici]

Yes, my “attack” was solely directed towards the promiscuous stereotypology in which people classify us far too often. People don’t seem to realize that for every type of sexual behavior (monogamous, promiscuous, prudish, poly, swing, etc) that there is amongst Hets, there is the same amongst queer and bi folk. Het, bi or queer is our sexual orientation and not our preferences or morals. Hets don’t have the market on sexual morality. To consider that Hets do, because they’re het, is absolute prejudice and bigotry.

The alternative lifestyles of; polygamy/group marriage/extended family or even swinging is maybe something a bisexual might need more to be aware of and consider, but it’s not an integral part of bisexuality. Those are moral and lifestyle questions and have nothing to do with sexual orientation.

Cheating isn’t only when I let some guy put his dick in me. (physical relationship) Cheating is also when I go outside of the set boundaries of my relationship and have even a platonic/romantic relationship with any one other than my partner. Cheating is not a specific sexual act, cheating is a state of mind and a course of action taken in disregard to my partner and my partner’s feeling and well being.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Yes, my “attack” was solely directed towards the promiscuous stereotypology in which people classify us far too often. People don’t seem to realize that for every type of sexual behavior (monogamous, promiscuous, prudish, poly, swing, etc) that there is amongst Hets, there is the same amongst queer and bi folk. Het, bi or queer is our sexual orientation and not our preferences or morals. Hets don’t have the market on sexual morality. To consider that Hets do, because they’re het, is absolute prejudice and bigotry.

The alternative lifestyles of; polygamy/group marriage/extended family or even swinging is maybe something a bisexual might need more to be aware of and consider, but it’s not an integral part of bisexuality. Those are moral and lifestyle questions and have nothing to do with sexual orientation.

Cheating isn’t only when I let some guy put his dick in me. (physical relationship) Cheating is also when I go outside of the set boundaries of my relationship and have even a platonic/romantic relationship with any one other than my partner. Cheating is not a specific sexual act, cheating is a state of mind and a course of action taken in disregard to my partner and my partner’s feeling and well being.

Yeah, I wasn't sure which way you meant it, but that makes sense. I couldn't have put it better myself. It's why I like that scene in Will & Grace where Jack and Will confront Nathan's assumptions that they are fucking just because they are two gay men alone in a room. It's done in a funny way, but it's a clever point being made there. It's why when I tell straight guys that I'm bisexual, I often make sure to add, "Don't worry, you're not my type," unless, of course, they ARE my type. Of course, them being straight, there's no real point in saying that part. Anyway, because of their fears, I find it useful to try to put them at ease somehow. That's how bad stereotypes can be. Why else did that restriction of "don't ask, don't tell" get in the military? It's because some guys are terrified that gay or bi men will try to seduce or even rape them in the shower. Which is offensive to me, because I don't have any intentions of forcing myself on anyone. If I want someone and he or she wants me, and there is chemistry and such....and we're both free to have sexual fun....then, by all means....but these days, I avoid sleeping with cheaters and I have never attempted to force myself on someone. I don't do the bathhouse or glory hole scene. I don't have anonymous, indiscriminate, unprotected sex with total strangers. I might fantasize about glory holes....but it's not something that I would do in real-life, with men or women. I do swinging, but I don't play Russian roulette by going bareback with nameless strangers, who might also be cheating on their partners. I don't sleep with supervisors, either. I only pursued a sexual/romantic interest in a co-worker once, she was single, I was single, and when she turned me down, I accepted it in good grace. It made things awkward, but I didn't harass or stalk her. So, yes, your disgust for the stereotypes about people of any orientation and being more promiscuous because of that (or bimbos) is an understandable reaction to such cliches. Same with the idea that gay or bi men are automatically wimps. Your clarification has definitely increased my respect for you, because I share that frustration.

 

[Minouners]

Totally off subject but I must say that I find you beautiful Nici.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Totally off subject but I must say that I find you beautiful Nici.

So are you.

 

[Macy02]

Totally off subject but I must say that I find you beautiful Nici.

Ok...so lets get back to the subject - how does a lady who is bi-curious find another woman to explore with? (lets assume she has worked out the husband, bf, etc issue).

Any ideas?