Discreet Bi Women...

[covariant]

What is a dental damn? And where would you get one, also where would you get a female condom? I've never seen either.....

Macy

Here is a source of high quality dental dams.

 

[robbie_boy1]

http://www.sexhealth.org/safersex/dentaldam.shtml

as for the dental dams, i am not sure where you can get them. but for the female comdoms, you can by them anywhere. drug stores have them.

 

[Macy02]

so has anyone...

http://www.sexhealth.org/safersex/dentaldam.shtml

ever used these or female condoms? i mean I don't generally like condoms, but since I've only been with my dh for ages it hasn't been an issue.

Can you tell me how it was? I mean, I'm don't mean to get personal but...I just wonder...does it smell or taste like plastic? Something about latex just doesn't excite me.... Help me out here folks....

 

[dirtylittleslut]

Just jumping in with a question about dental dams too. What about those of us that are allergic to latex? I checked out both links offered and they are both made of latex. Is there an option, other than saran wrap? Or cutting open a non-latex condom?

I haven't had the pleasure of being with a woman yet, but if I ever get that chance I would like to be able to play safely. And without feeling like I'm on fire in a bad way. lol
Thanks.

 

[Etoile]

What is a dental damn? And where would you get one, also where would you get a female condom? I've never seen either.....

Macy

A dental dam is basically a square of latex, sometimes flavored, and of a pretty good size. It's the same material as a regular condom, but guaranteed not to have nasty-tasting chemicals, and bigger. (If you cut a condom open by putting slits up each side, like cutting it in half vertically but not all the way through, you will get a very skinny, very long dental dam.)

As for where to get them, your local adult shop will have them if you ask - they may not be on display. Or you can buy them online at a bunch of places - Babeland, Good Vibrations, just about anywhere online that sells sex toys.

I believe the most common brand of the female condom is called Reality. Again though, I don't recommend them. They are awkward to insert properly and it's hard to make them stay in place. It was an interesting invention but it needs some refinement!

 

[Etoile]

Just jumping in with a question about dental dams too. What about those of us that are allergic to latex? I checked out both links offered and they are both made of latex. Is there an option, other than saran wrap? Or cutting open a non-latex condom?

I haven't had the pleasure of being with a woman yet, but if I ever get that chance I would like to be able to play safely. And without feeling like I'm on fire in a bad way. lol
Thanks.

Never fear! There are non-latex dental dams, the brand is called Hot Dam. You can buy them one-at-a-time from undercovercondoms.com or even in a great big box at Amazon.com.

 

[dirtylittleslut]

Thank you very much Etoile. I will make sure to buy some of those. All I had ever heard of was the latex products or other ways around a dental dam. I'm sure a condom would work in a pinch, but I can't imagine they would taste very good. lol
dls

 

[Macy02]

I still my doubts...

Thank you very much Etoile. I will make sure to buy some of those. All I had ever heard of was the latex products or other ways around a dental dam. I'm sure a condom would work in a pinch, but I can't imagine they would taste very good. lol
dls

but safety is an issue... I guess it is something to talk about with a potential partner...

 

[dirtylittleslut]

Oh definitly. I am not to the point of having another partner at this time. But when that day comes, there will be a lot of talks.
But, I was interested in ways of protection because sometimes you just never really know. There are times when a person honestly believes they don't have anything, but then they find out they do. Or they just aren't completely honest. I have to protect myself, just as much as any potential partner has to protect herself.

 

[bequ23]

Ok....I'm jumping into deep water without a life preserver. But here it goes.

And I guess I could have started a new thread...but since this one is already here maybe we can just see where it goes. Maybe one of you lit moderators might decide to change the topic of this thread...

I'm a married woman who is curious. I've heard/read so much about the wonderful sex women are having together-I fantasize about it. But to actually do it....well here are what I see as some of the issues....

1) How to go from just curious to actually having an experience. I've seen several threads on how to make it happen but only a few real suggestions.

For my self I think I am basically just chicken. I don't like rejection and I wouldn't want to ruin a friendship. Would it be easier if it was someone I was friends with? I think I would have to at least get to know a person, I've never been one for one night stands or causal sex.

2) Next, there is the subject of being discreet... this implys that maybe husband or bf would not approve, or perhaps one just simply likes to keep her personal life personal.

I don't know if my husband would approve. I sort of suggested it once as a joke and all I got was a look - what does that mean? I don't know.
But absolutely I would want to be discreet NO MATTER WHAT because I think what happens in the bedroom is between the two consenting adults and no one else's business.

So ladies (and gents if any are reading this) what does it really take to go from being bi-curious to having a discreet affair?

Havng just started reading this thread, I'd like to get back to the original comments. I, too, am married and bi-curious. It is nice to know there are so many others. I have been feeling so alone.
My husband and I used to talk about this alot and he was open to the possiblility. But now that I may have finally gotten up the nerve to do something about it, he is very uncomfortable with me wanting to be with another woman.
I have been reading lesbian fiction and my fantasies are pretty much all about women. I would love to have a female friendship with perks, knowing full well I wouldn't leave my family. But how do you go about finding someone who may be interested? Can anyone help me?

 

[SweetErika]

I've had pretty good luck finding women through online personals. I've met some wonderful bi friends in the process, too. I think it's a great way to create a support network for ourselves when we choose not to tell old friends and family.

For folks who aren't out to their significant others, I think it's imperative to be very clear about your situation in ads and initial conversations with potential friends/lovers. I will talk to bi women who aren't out to their spouses, but won't go beyond that because there are too many potential problems that could interfere with our relationship.

When 'discreet' is used in conjunction with significant others, I think it's just an attempt to say, "I'm hiding/lying/cheating," in a different way. Maybe I'm wrong (if so, feel free to explain it to me) about this, but I've yet to see it used in a way that's not synonymous with hiding or cheating. It's always, "My husband doesn't know I like women, so we'll have to be discreet," or, "Married Male Seeking a Discreet Woman."

That said, I am discreet when it comes to my family, some old friends and professional relationships. I don't actively hide anything, and would answer honestly if asked about my sexuality directly, but I figure my sex life is my (and my husband's) business alone.

A lot of my desire not to share with certain people has to do with my marriage; I'm fairly certain I'd be very open if I were single. We just don't welcome questions and criticism on our agreement to be polyamorous, because it's a private decision that doesn't affect our family or friends. So, we simply stick to labeling dates and boy/girlfriends "(close) friends" in the presence of those who don't know I'm bi or we're poly. I'm sure we'd come out if we were ever engaged in a serious, multi-year relationship, though.

 

[Etoile]

When 'discreet' is used in conjunction with significant others, I think it's just an attempt to say, "I'm hiding/lying/cheating," in a different way. Maybe I'm wrong (if so, feel free to explain it to me) about this, but I've yet to see it used in a way that's not synonymous with hiding or cheating. It's always, "My husband doesn't know I like women, so we'll have to be discreet," or, "Married Male Seeking a Discreet Woman."

That said, I am discreet when it comes to my family, some old friends and professional relationships. I don't actively hide anything, and would answer honestly if asked about my sexuality directly, but I figure my sex life is my (and my husband's) business alone.

I will admit that my first thought when I see the word discreet is that it's basically cheating. But as you said, I don't think that's necessarily always the case. Because we're talking about alternative sexuality, it may well mean that she doesn't want you showing up at her work, etc. - but her husband does know. So I think it could go either way.

 

[SweetErika]

I will admit that my first thought when I see the word discreet is that it's basically cheating. But as you said, I don't think that's necessarily always the case. Because we're talking about alternative sexuality, it may well mean that she doesn't want you showing up at her work, etc. - but her husband does know. So I think it could go either way.

Right. I wish it wasn't used to describe cheating or hiding from a spouse because it causes confusion! I've had to ask several women who have used it ambiguously in personal ads what discreet means to them: some responded their SO doesn't know and can't find out; others have said it's more of a, 'we probably wouldn't display our affection in places we might run into people I know, and please don't out me if that happens' kind of thing (completely fine with me).

There's a big difference between a lack of integrity and wanting to keep one's personal life private. Because of that, I watch out and generally avoid using 'discreet' to describe myself or the type of relationship I seek, instead favoring detailing my situation and exactly what I'm looking for.

Etoile (and anyone else--change gender as necessary), what would you do if you realized you were attracted to men and had a strong desire to explore that, but you thought your wife would be very against bisexuality and exploration?

 

[Etoile]

Etoile (and anyone else--change gender as necessary), what would you do if you realized you were attracted to men and had a strong desire to explore that, but you thought your wife would be very against bisexuality and exploration?

Hmmm. Personally, I would not do it. This actually is related to cheating, for me, because I value my relationship too much to want to compromise it by indulging myself. Fidelity is more important to me than exploration, and I definitely see "non-preferred" (same-sex for straights, opposite-sex for gays) relationships as cheating. I can't imagine being so desperate to try something that I would do it without permission.

As for whether I would ask permission...well, that is beyond the scope of this thread, I think.

 

[urperfectenemy]

when i said discreet, i meant that i wasnt planning on telling family or some of my friends about it. my husband knows that i am bi and he fully supports it. and we have had many talks about it and i have told him that i respect him too much to go behind his back to sleep with a woman. if i do anything with a woman, a kiss or otherwise, it is around him and only if he has given his permission to me. i just wont start making out with some chick when he is in bed asleep or in the other room and have him walk in and say "oh well you know that i am bi so what is the problem?!" that is just not me. i love him way too much to ruin what we have.... he is my everything. so i would never ever cheat on my hubby...

 

[Macy02]

on discretion...

First welcome bequ23 - no you are not alone.

At this point for me...dh only has an inkling that I might consider a liason with a woman. He also is aware that I have cowardly type tendancies and so he probably doesn't think I'd ever do it. Though he used to be more encouraging about exploration in general and I used to think he was alot more open minded...

That said, I would really like to talk to him about it at some point. He and I have talked in the past about bringing someone (male) into our "bedroom" and he was not opposed but he was not interested in a bi-male encounter for himself. But he has alot of fears about std's, the relationship, etc. I don't know how to bring it up again.

Ideal would be to be totally open to my dh. I have no intention of leaving my family situation and it simply is no one else's business. The outside world does not need to know what I do in the bedroom (mine or anyone else's). Discreet also means I tell dh what/when I am ready. I would not want to "show" affection in public.

It would also mean....I find a woman whom I can be friends with and then we might decide to progress to something more. I don't expect to meet a woman and fall into bed with her immediately so if she were understanding and possibly in a similar situation maybe - just maybe I (we) could find a way to explore this and be able to share with dh.

So for me, for right now discretion means keeping it just between me and the (potential)female friend...taking things slow amd working out the kinks as we go.

 

[bidemoness226]

SweetErika, you rock!

And the word the OP was looking for is discreet, actually. "Discrete" means "Consisting of unconnected distinct parts" and "discreet" means "Marked by, exercising, or showing prudence and wise self-restraint in speech and behavior."

Actually, no... I chose my word correctly. But apparently someone chose to edit my words anyway.

I am very glad there's been quality conv here for some. One of the most popular threads on Lit that I had found was the Bi mothers thread... which did exactly what I did... led to a group elsewhere. I apologize for going against the forum rules... I just did what I'd already seen done.

Enjoy the rest of your conversation on your chosen topic.

 

[Etoile]

Actually, no... I chose my word correctly.

Would you be interested in elaborating on your choice, then? Given how frequently "discrete" is used where "discreet" is intended, I would love to hear why you intentionally chose "discreet" for this thread.

 

[sweet_bi_pie]

hello

I am not sure if I am Bi- I have not been with a woman for real, But thinking about it is the only way I can get truely turned on sometimes. I am married and have told my husband about how I feel and he is okay with it if he can watch but for some reason ........and I am going to catch hell for this I am sure, but for some reason if I am ever with a woman I don't want him to watch and I don't want him to know. is that fucked up of me?

 

[putyourheadther]

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[Etoile]

I am not sure if I am Bi- I have not been with a woman for real, But thinking about it is the only way I can get truely turned on sometimes. I am married and have told my husband about how I feel and he is okay with it if he can watch but for some reason ........and I am going to catch hell for this I am sure, but for some reason if I am ever with a woman I don't want him to watch and I don't want him to know. is that fucked up of me?

No, it's not fucked up - it's perfectly understandable that you feel that way. I fully support that you don't want him to watch. Not wanting him to know is a little iffy, because then you end up lying to him - although plenty of spouses lie to their partners all the time, so it's still quite normal for you to feel that way.

 

[SweetErika]

I am not sure if I am Bi- I have not been with a woman for real, But thinking about it is the only way I can get truely turned on sometimes. I am married and have told my husband about how I feel and he is okay with it if he can watch but for some reason ........and I am going to catch hell for this I am sure, but for some reason if I am ever with a woman I don't want him to watch and I don't want him to know. is that fucked up of me?

NO, NO, NO, it's sooooo NOT fucked up of you!

My husband got all excited about threesomes when I expressed curiosity, but having had a MFM and kissed a woman in front of a bunch of men before, I just knew it would be very different to be alone with a woman. I didn't think I could get a good handle on my feelings if I only experienced it with him (or any man) there; I kept thinking it'd just cloud my perception and wouldn't be everything I was longing for.

So, I told him some of this, and we agreed that I could go it alone the first time (or few times if I needed more to figure out how I felt). I didn't actually do anything for a couple of years after that, but as it turned out, my feelings were completely justified; threesomes or having a man just there makes for a whole different ballgame. For me, it's the difference between making love and pure fucking - both are fantastic and have their place, but they're not interchangeable.

Plus, we weren't ready for threesomes back then. Going against my intuition there very well could have cost us the relationship. I'll always be glad I asserted my needs on this issue. He saw that it could be nearly as hot to leave a little to the imagination and just hear all of the juicy details, and never pushed for a threesome after that (though in the past year we've done all kinds of stuff with other people ).

 

[Macy02]

no it's not fucked up...

I am not sure if I am Bi- I have not been with a woman for real, But thinking about it is the only way I can get truely turned on sometimes. I am married and have told my husband about how I feel and he is okay with it if he can watch but for some reason ........and I am going to catch hell for this I am sure, but for some reason if I am ever with a woman I don't want him to watch and I don't want him to know. is that fucked up of me?

I think it would be awesome to share it with my dh but not necessarily the first time....and not necessarily every time. You have a right to the way you feel and it is not wrong.

 

[sweet_bi_pie]

Thanks for the reasurances

That part about not wanting him to know ... I wrote that out wrong I would love to be able to be completely honest with him, I just would not want him digging for details. Sometimes I think if my marrage doesn't last a life time then my next partner will be a woman and if I out live him I will be an old grandma living with another old Grandma.

 

[Macy02]

So what do you think....

I'd like to know what some of you consider the most important issues with how you choose your potential partner and the relationship that follows.

Especially if you have already had a bi experience, but those of you considering it too. What's going through your mind as you think you are ready to have this type of experience?

Macy