Discreet Bi Women...

[Macy02]

thoughts...

I want him to share or at least not feel abandoned. i also want to have a discreet experience, I don't know how to make both happen.

I have had this type of conversation with a very good friend of mine. He's exploring his bi side too and wants his gf to participate she isn't having anything to do with it. I think anytime you introduce another person into the equation there is room for some emtional issues like abandonment or rejection. I felt a bit threatened when my bf mentioned how he would like to see me with another woman and then the conversation eveloved and he asked if I would be ok with him being with another woman in order for him to bring the two of us (me and the other woman) together. I didn't like the idea at all. I mean- I really don't want to SHARE him. I do want to explore. Maybe I have built this up in my head and when reality comes it won't be at all what I thought it should be. Ok let me rethink that. I also thought sex wasn't really all it was cracked up to be when I was married to my ex. It was like...WHAT is the BIG DEAL!!! Then I met my boyfriend. I know better now. The right partner is very important. And I am rambling now....

I don't necessarily want him to participate ....I just don't want to have to lie to him. Ideally I want him to just be open minded and know that our relationship is secure. I had thought in the past he was (open minded and secure) but now we don't communicate as much as I would like and so I'm not sure if he has changed. It's hard these days to get him to sit down and have conversation with me (especially if we want to talk in private).

I don't want to dishonor him...but I want to be free to explore-discreetly of course. So I'm just trying to figure out how to bring it up again and how to make it happen.

Macy

 

[SweetErika]

I don't necessarily want him to participate ....I just don't want to have to lie to him. Ideally I want him to just be open minded and know that our relationship is secure. I had thought in the past he was (open minded and secure) but now we don't communicate as much as I would like and so I'm not sure if he has changed. It's hard these days to get him to sit down and have conversation with me (especially if we want to talk in private).

I don't want to dishonor him...but I want to be free to explore-discreetly of course. So I'm just trying to figure out how to bring it up again and how to make it happen.

Macy

If I may butt in here, Macy, I'd suggest working on your relationship and communication first because going outside (even with women) can really stress the relationship and requires a lot of positive communication. Little cracks can turn into canyons relatively easily, and honest feelings must be shared freely to have a chance at preventing resentment.

My husband's not entirely comfortable with communication, but he is willing to try to overcome that for the health of our relationship and let me coax the important stuff out of him gently. So, it doesn't have to be perfect, but it does have to work (the willingness and basics must be there).

Now might be a good time to shore up your marriage, addressing the things that need fixing, and giving him plenty of reassurance. In my experience, when the primary people and relationship are truly solid, insecurity isn't a major issue, and this type of thing (going outside) will work. But if a piece is missing, it'll be disasterous.

 

[Macy02]

Any ideas...

Now might be a good time to shore up your marriage, addressing the things that need fixing, and giving him plenty of reassurance. In my experience, when the primary people and relationship are truly solid, insecurity isn't a major issue, and this type of thing (going outside) will work. But if a piece is missing, it'll be disasterous.

WE used to talk, as I've said...I used to think he was at least open minded. How can I get him to do that again? I'd give anything to have him communcicate with me - something he struggles with.

I agree Erika, your advice is sound and I appreciate it (you are not butting in-thankyou)...What I need is to find a way to prod him in to doing his part and getting him to open up to me then maybe he can be receptive to my needs/wants.


I'm open to suggestions.....I've suggested we go to marriage counseling- he said no.
M...........

 

[deluxe3000]

tough spot

Macy,

You're in a tough situation if your man isn't very communicative and he does not want to go to a marriage counselor. That's too bad because it means that he's either given up or it's just not that important. I know from experience with my wife. Finally, after saying to her that maybe we weren't meant to be together and that we should look into divorce did she finally (after a couple of years of asking her to go to a counselor) agree to go. Things are getting better now, slowly but surely.

Good luck.

 

[curious_girl]

Hi everyone....I just stumbled on this site and it really hit home!
So nice to see we are not alone....thank you to all who have opened up. I have been "curious" for some time now and insecure about how to go about acting on it. It's never been an open topic of conversation among any of my friends. My husband knows I have had fantasies, but we have never talked about me acting on them.

 

[deluxe3000]

talk

Hey there curious,

While it didn't work for me when I mentioned that I was bi-curious to my wife it might work for you. You might try talking about it more as life is short and he might be open to you exploring your sexuality. Good luck.

 

[Never]

Am I the only one who noticed that "what consensual adults do in their bedroom is no one's business but their own" is being used as a justification for not telling one's husband or partner about one's sexual activities? That seems a stretch.

Etoile:
"Actually, you're not quite on the mark there. FF sex is a lot less risky than MF or MM sex."
There's no such thing as f/f, f/m, or m/m sex. Sticking a penis in an ass is a high-risk sexual activity whether the ass belongs to a man or women. Licking a pussy is a low risk sexual activity whether the tongue belongs to a man or woman.

Hair-splitting but I think it's an important point.

"There are very few women who have contracted HIV from FF sex."
If I remember correctly, there's no documented case where someone has contracted HIV through licking pussy or fingering.

"As I mentioned above, if one partner is bisexual, then she may already have an STD and you should be extra careful."
Moreover, some dumbfucks in the lesbian community will assume that if you're bi then you have a STD. It's rare but I've had a few bisexual female friends get hostile reactions from people who think they're going to infect the lesbian community.

"Saran wrap works in a pinch but it's not preferred."
Saran wrap has pores large enough to let viruses through.

"Silicone toys are best because they don't have holes (non-porous) and can be boiled to sterilize them."
For those who don't like silicone, condoms are handy. Porous or not isn't a huge deal as long as you clean your toys thoroughly before sharing them.

"Make sure you get the kind without nonoxynol-9!"
Hehe, I did this once when the former love of my life was bleeding. It tasted nasty but it didn't kill me.

All that said, I've noticed that lesbians tend to use far less protection than straight men and women.

Sweet Erika:
" Etoile (and anyone else--change gender as necessary), what would you do if you realized you were attracted to men and had a strong desire to explore that, but you thought your wife would be very against bisexuality and exploration?"
This is sort of a strange question for me. Given that I seek out people who are like-minded when it comes to sexuality, I doubt that would ever be a problem. That said, if I'm in a relationship where we've both committed to monogamy then I'd curb my desire for "exploring my bisexuality."

sweet_bi_pie:
"but for some reason if I am ever with a woman I don't want him to watch and I don't want him to know. is that fucked up of me?"
I can say that as an "other woman" I wouldn't want your husband to watch. If you're looking for a threesome, that's fine. If you're looking for a sexual experience with another women then it's best if he kept his dick out.

 

[buxxxom]

Sometimes, when all the stars and planets line up, when good karma abounds and the good luck fairy visits you, things just fall into your lap. My best friend and I had been only friends for several years, then due to a little prodding on behalf of our husbands, we are now more than friends.

Our first time together, we were alone, to the dismay of our husbands. We have since then been together as a group, various threesomes, and full swap. I now consider myself polyamorous instead of a swinger because the emotions are more intense than expected. Occasionally, we'll be together in front of the guys (she likes to make me squirt while they watch) but those times aren't nearly as dear as the times that we are alone. Fortunately, our husbands are supportive and try to give us time to have a "girls night out" occasionally. No secrets are kept; but trying to explain the events may take a few minutes while our times together may last for several hours or even a whole weekend.

I've tried to explain how "girl sex" is different to my husband and my descriptions always fall short. I just don't know how to say it. It is different. It's soft, incredibly so, and smooth, and slow. It's reciprocal in the way that we focus on pleasure; my orgasm isn't a side effect of his lovemaking. Not that that's a bad thing; I love fucking him too, he's a fantastic lover, just that I can get pleasure from giving her total pleasure, and vice versa for her. We often argue about who "gets" to do the other first!

Loving her (and I do, in the romantic sense of the word, along with every other way) doesn't mean that I love my husband any less; I am the luckiest woman in the world. I have a man that I love and adore and he loves me enough to let me explore all the parts of me that make me who I am, knowing that I will always come home to him. Me having a girlfriend has actually strengthened our marriage.

We are discreet, though, meaning that we don't want anyone to know about our relationship; but we don't hide things from our husbands. I guess if I had to label myself I would be bisexual, though I don't forsee this kind of relationship with any other woman. Looking back on how it all started, I'm amazed that either of us had the guts to act on our feelings. It is scary to open up to someone else, especially about a subject many consider taboo. Though I was in my mid-30's at the outset, all the giddy puppy love feelings came back and it was fun to feel those again after so long.

Having "options" lets me explore all my kinks and fetishes that my husband just doesn't get off on. Many of her fantasies mirror my own, and we're making our lists and checking them off!

So, to all those bicurious ladies out there, things like this do happen. I'm glad I have this relationship and am hoping that all of you who feel curious get the opportunity to experience love like this too!

 

[Macy02]

update

Sweet Erika and everyone... I took your advice, I decided to work on the relationship with my dh. We had a good long talk and will have many more. I did not tell him about my specific desires to experience ff - we did talk in general terms. I am definitely encouraged by his willingness to talk to me and listen. I feel like there may be some hope yet. From what he said I doubt he will ever want to watch (or participate) but I'm not giving up that he might not be opposed to me doing some discreet exploration in the future.
It feels really good to have frank open discussion again-we'd been missing that for many moons.

It's only the first step on a long road but at least we are on the road.

 

[SweetErika]

Am I the only one who noticed that "what consensual adults do in their bedroom is no one's business but their own" is being used as a justification for not telling one's husband or partner about one's sexual activities? That seems a stretch.

No, you're definitely not, but from what I gathered, the only person who used it as justification was a guy who didn't like his wife's response, and 'couldn't/can't go without MM sex'.

It's way more than a stretch for me because I believe I have a right to choose whether or not I want to put my health at risk by having sex with someone who isn't monogamous, even if they practice safer sex with others. For us, pregnancy is also an issue -- Hubby getting another woman pregnant could have a huge impact on my life, so him taking that chance by having sex with others is very much my business. I deserve to be able to choose what type of relationship I want to be in, as well (and so do they, of course).

"My sex life isn't my unknowing partner's business" holds as much water as a colander.

 

[SweetErika]

Sweet Erika and everyone... I took your advice, I decided to work on the relationship with my dh. We had a good long talk and will have many more. I did not tell him about my specific desires to experience ff - we did talk in general terms. I am definitely encouraged by his willingness to talk to me and listen. I feel like there may be some hope yet. From what he said I doubt he will ever want to watch (or participate) but I'm not giving up that he might not be opposed to me doing some discreet exploration in the future.
It feels really good to have frank open discussion again-we'd been missing that for many moons.

It's only the first step on a long road but at least we are on the road.

Glad it's going well for you, Macy!

 

[FuckinRedneck]

If one has sex outside of one's marriage, without the spouse's knowledge, it's cheating. It doesn't make a shit whether the other person is a man or a woman. I wouldn't mind if my wife had a girlfriend, unless she "wanted to do it without my knowledge or participation". Fuck that. If you want to give yourself to another, behind your spouse's back then you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. Get a divorce. Then you can fuck anybody you want to. Otherwise you're going to have to involve your spouse, one way or another.

 

[bigdaddydoo]

I agree with bigred

Oh, by the way, I'm signed in under my husband's account and I"m the female half. I agree that if you go behind your spouses back, it's cheating. When I had this discussion with my husband I said I felt it would be best for me to be alone and he said NO! He felt that he needed to be present and felt strongly about it. So since this is something that will affect us both, I agreed that if and when it happens, he will be there. As most of you know, the biggest problem about finding a single woman to join a couple is that most women feel like we'll be putting on a show for hubby and it won't be about pleasuring ourselves so it's been hard finding someone to participate. I also find that women are just afraid to take the first step - for example, I'll post a message and get a reply and th person says, I'm very interested but when it comes to making plans to get together, meet, chat, etc., etc., then poof! Gone! There are times when I just say, fuck it - it's not going to happen, so that's that, then I think wouldn't it be nice if,............

Just my 2 cents.

kiss kiss kiss

Sexywench1961

 

[sweetgirl666]

I also am bisexual, but pretty much in the closet about it. I told only a few of my partners, and only when the relationship was deeper, and only when I felt there was the need to share. I did not, and never will, relate this information to my normal friends and family. The area I am from is deep down conservative, and it is enough that I am not married yet and have no kids of my own.

The two women I had been with both were friends first, and I really like both still, but first and foremost as friends, then as sexual partners. I did seek out the second one purely for having sex with her, but we did not "do it" before we were friends, and we still spend more time with each other just doing girl stuff than having sex. But then, for me it is also not an affair, neither one of us are currently in a commited relationship.

The internet is a great tool for making curiousity a reality. My first experience ever with a women was during a seminar where we one evening, after way too much to drink made out (just kissing and touching) and it took years until I managed to get further. It is not easy to just hook up with a woman...at least not if you do not know how and do not want to join the GLBT scene in your hometown.

 

[CanadianGurl71]

Wow im in total shock that i fianlly found this board!!
i am i can't say that i am married casue im not but i have a live in boyfriend
i too am very curious at what it would be like to be with another women i have read many storied about it...and have thought about it alot i think for me the best way to go about it is to chat a bit online and maybe share email stories back and forth and see where that goes...so you know ladies if you feel like helping a newbie out here im up for it

 

[Macy02]

Welcome aboard...

Wow im in total shock that i fianlly found this board!!
i am i can't say that i am married casue im not but i have a live in boyfriend
i too am very curious at what it would be like to be with another women i have read many storied about it...and have thought about it alot i think for me the best way to go about it is to chat a bit online and maybe share email stories back and forth and see where that goes...so you know ladies if you feel like helping a newbie out here im up for it

Welcome this is a good board...often frank and without reserve but that is a good thing. Certainly I have gleaned much information from everyone here.

I feel like I'm in uncharted waters here too so again welcome.

 

[CanadianGurl71]

Welcome this is a good board...often frank and without reserve but that is a good thing. Certainly I have gleaned much information from everyone here.

I feel like I'm in uncharted waters here too so again welcome.

Thanx Macey i have been looking around for a long time where i can talk about how i am feeling and what i would like to do i cant or maybe just wont talk to my other friends about that im sure they would just think that there was something worng with me im really look forward to getting to know people here

 

[Macy02]

I know what you mean

Thanx Macey i have been looking around for a long time where i can talk about how i am feeling and what i would like to do i cant or maybe just wont talk to my other friends about that im sure they would just think that there was something worng with me im really look forward to getting to know people here

I have a very samll group of friends these days but even the ones I'm closest to I haven't/won't share this. Some, Iknow, would be totally shocked. Discretion and privacy are of the utmost importance to me (and to my husband-should we ever decide I'm ready to take the leap.) But yes it is very nice getting to know others and finding out I'm (we're) not alone.

M..

 

[redneckgirl]

My dh approves

I am a bi female. I was bi curious for a long time. My dh encouraged me to try it and see if I would like it or not. I had a long-term friend who was also curious, so we had our first experience together. I enjoyed it. The second time, I allowed my dh to watch. After watching me get it on with a f, it turned him on so much, we had sex all night, I bet we went for at least 4 hours, this from a man who usually only lasts like 30 mins or so.
Now he wants me to find a girlfriend and eventually move her in with me, I'm not really comfortable with that, because I feel like if I move a girl in with me, he will expect to join whenever he wants.
Anybody else have this problem?

 

[Ladyluvs]

Is it for you? I doubt it.

I am a bi female. I was bi curious for a long time. My dh encouraged me to try it and see if I would like it or not. I had a long-term friend who was also curious, so we had our first experience together. I enjoyed it. The second time, I allowed my dh to watch. After watching me get it on with a f, it turned him on so much, we had sex all night, I bet we went for at least 4 hours, this from a man who usually only lasts like 30 mins or so.
Now he wants me to find a girlfriend and eventually move her in with me, I'm not really comfortable with that, because I feel like if I move a girl in with me, he will expect to join whenever he wants.
Anybody else have this problem?

I too am bisexual and have been since I was a teenager. I understand how exciting it was to share with your dh and that should continue if you want it.
But moving someone in you would need to ask yourself, 'Who is this for, him or me?' I think it is probably for him and it will only end in tears.

 

[CanadianGurl71]

thats like almost walking on thin ice to have her move in....im afaid if it was me i would fall throught or maybe push her through

 

[redneckgirl]

I too am bisexual and have been since I was a teenager. I understand how exciting it was to share with your dh and that should continue if you want it.
But moving someone in you would need to ask yourself, 'Who is this for, him or me?' I think it is probably for him and it will only end in tears.

I agree with you, I also asked myself the same thing, I believe it's for him, and I am not planning on ever moving anyone in with us. He is a perv and probably always will be. Maybe he'll eventually get the picture and stop asking.

 

[redneckgirl]

thats like almost walking on thin ice to have her move in....im afaid if it was me i would fall throught or maybe push her through

Yeah, so would I. I would not be comfortable with another woman living with dh and I. I wouldn't be able to leave alone, I would always have to make one of them go with me. I don't want to live my life that way.

 

[CanadianGurl71]

Yeah, so would I. I would not be comfortable with another woman living with dh and I. I wouldn't be able to leave alone, I would always have to make one of them go with me. I don't want to live my life that way.

I don't know about anyone else but for me there would always be this "what if" what if she is prettier then me,what if she can do him better then me what if she can make him happier.
it a very hot thought to be with another women but im thinking it would have to be someone that does not live in the same city as me or if i brought her into my bedroom with me and my bf there is no way she can live in the same city

 

[redneckgirl]

I don't know about anyone else but for me there would always be this "what if" what if she is prettier then me,what if she can do him better then me what if she can make him happier.
it a very hot thought to be with another women but im thinking it would have to be someone that does not live in the same city as me or if i brought her into my bedroom with me and my bf there is no way she can live in the same city

I agree with that. I have many bi friends that live in Mississippi. I live in Nebraska. We have been with a few of my bi friends down there. I have not been with any women in my state. And now that he's thinking about moving back home (to Mississippi), I'm getting a little worried about that. But I def. agree, there is no way I will move a woman in with us. He'll just have to get over that one...........LOL