Dom/sub...what are you?

[ShyGuy68]

I admit that I'm a Dom myself as well. But it wasn't really until about a year ago that I found that out. And it was actually me starting to come here to Lit that sparked it in me.

So ever since I've explored it in roleplays on the SRP board, and in some of my stories, which is posted on my website.

I honestly don't have a problem with what people do once they are behind closed doors, just as long as it's between concenting adults! That's a must!!

 

[DarlingBri]

Thank you

cym...

Thank you, very much, for the tremendous amount of time you've put into this thread. I've learned a tremendous amount.

And thank you also to Nicole, brazenblaze and everyone else who asked or answered questions.

It's been totally fascinating to read. I am constantly astonished by how much people here are willing to give of themselves and their personal lives to further debate and education.

Now I'm going to go back and read all that again

 

[Nicole]

May i add one little point of etiquette before i get the hell away from your eyes? Many subs prefer our names begin with a lower case letter. See how i've done it and brazenblaze but not Nicole? It's a matter of personal choice and is meaningful to us. We really like it when you notice that about our names and respect our choice in this small thing. Thanks! ~s~

cym I'd like to just say one last thing on this, and I really don't want to go into MY relationship on here.

I am NOT a slave, I DO NOT have a Master, I am in a different kind of relationship (one that involves Dom/sub) therefore I Like that my name starts with a Capital letter, I also was not in my relationship when I started coming to this site, therefore I chose for name to be that way, not having the ability to have permission. I know it's personal preference and mine is to use a Capital. My ummm ... My Partner also uses it, which I love.

Hope this helps you to understand why I have that.

[Edited by Nicole on 04-10-2001 at 03:52 PM]

 

[brazenblaze]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Links

Cool. Thanks, brazenblaze.
I just ordered it from Amazon. Don't you love the net? It's turning us all into instant gratification junkies.

Oooo...I wish you would have said something before you bought it, I would have saved you the money and sent my copy. It isn't all that good. The writer has his own website that is pretty good, but the book was a bit dry after the first section.

LMAO@the instant gratification comment...thanks to the net I'm hooked on Venusbooks.com. I think I will eventually end up on their stock holder's list or else have to claim them on my taxes for all the money I've spent there. LOL

 

[brazenblaze]

WARNING...LONG POST AHEAD!!

Please bear with me… I’ve been gone and there are a lot of things that have been added to this thread in the last day and a half that I would like to comment on.

Nicole…I absolutely loved your posts…”Submission” and “I am a submissive woman”. The “romance” of D/s shines through those in a way that I have never been able to find the words to describe. Furthermore, don’t you dare stop posting to these type threads! Your words are always welcome by those of us who understand what you are talking about, and I’m sure that there are plenty who learn from them as well. See my quote below…I think those are good words to live by.

Cheyenne…I commend you on your desire to learn and attempt to understand what D/s is all about. There are way too many people out there who are quick to judge without the benefit of knowledge. You may very well never “get it”, but at least you have tried, and that is certainly worth something. My only advice as you look at the links and such…is try to take the words “punishment” and “pain” out of the picture and focus on the words like “mutual respect”, “communication”, “responsibility”, “love” and “TRUST”. Those words play a much bigger role in D/s than “pain and punishment”. I believe that the “pain” aspect is what keeps people from understanding more than anything. D/s relationships run much deeper than just S&M; in fact some relationships don’t involve that at all. It is more about “power exchange” than anything. A sub “gives” control and power to her Dom and she trusts him to make the right choices with that power. A Dom accepts the “responsibility” of that power and control and guards it and welds it with the utmost respect and devotion.

SweetNick…I can’t answer this one for you, but cymbidia seemed to do a pretty good job of it already. Maybe you should ask WriteDom or Hecate those questions. I could give you my opinion on what makes a good Dom, but how to know if you are one is beyond me.

Hecate…Use anything that I have said that you want. If it helps others to understand the lifestyle and the thoughts and feelings of subs, then nothing but good can from it. I agree with cymbidia that I would be honored and that I also think you’ve done a beautiful job with your site.

Madame Pandora…I also commend you on your open-mindedness here. The lifestyle isn’t of everyone, but I believe there is a little Dom/sub in every relationship. You recognize your sexual limits and are comfortable with them, just as those involved in D/s recognize their limits as well. Everything isn’t for Everyone that is what makes us all so wonderful and unique.

Gingersnap…I saved this one for last on purpose. I’m not here to flame you, as you are entitled to your opinions as much as anyone else is. You used the term “Victorian nightmare” and I found that hilarious because I have often compared D/s to the Victorian era and considered it a form of a compliment. You referred to the “collar” as repugnant and demeaning…do you consider a wedding ring repugnant and demeaning? They are both considered simples of “ownership”. The collar in a D/s relationship is a symbol just like a wedding band. The LOVE is very much there and not hard to see if you know what to look for. It is the bond between a Dom and his sub, it is the Trust that is completely shared between the two, it is the level of responsibility that each shares in making the relationship work and it is the respect that goes both ways. Yes, there is respect…a sub respects her Dom and his ability/power to take her where she needs/wants to go, and a Dom respects his sub for giving him that power and honoring him with her submission.
You also made the comment that “you folks are very narrow in your tastes”. I ask, how did you come up with that one? Have any of us REALLY discussed our “sexual” tastes here? We have spoken about D/s and what it means to each of us and attempted to enlighten those who don’t understand, but I don’t remember seeing anywhere in this tread that we like only ONE thing in the bedroom. We prefer to be submissive in the bedroom, but that certainly doesn’t equal lay back, spread your legs and take it. Submissive woman are very sexual women and trust me, I’m sure that just about anything that is done in other bedrooms have been done in D/s bedrooms…with the added flavor of bondage, pain and the lack of control/inhibitions.
As I said before, you are entitled to your opinion and if you think your lifestyle is more exciting and varied, then more power to you. I, on the other hand, can’t make such a broad statement since I don’t live anyone else’s life but my own. Vanilla, my dear, is a term given to those like you for their lack of open mindedness, not for what goes on in their bedrooms, hence in this case I think the term stands.


Whew…that covers just about the whole damned thread. Thank you for your patience, I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

 

[SpectreT]

Hecate

Hecate, feel free to use anything I've left in here, too! I've said many times I'm new to this, but, then again, it sometimes helps to have a fresh person's viewpoint on an old topic handy. It's a good way to remember the issues one had when they were starting, the confusion, nervousness, and that also helps new discovery.

One more thing: Any advice on "sensitivity training" for Vanilla friends? I barely managed not to blow up at a friend of mine recently, he shocked me so badly with his lack of understanding of the whole thing, cracking jokes about an obvious Dom/sub couple we saw at a restaurant.

 

[cymbidia]

Re: Hecate

One more thing: Any advice on "sensitivity training" for Vanilla friends? I barely managed not to blow up at a friend of mine recently, he shocked me so badly with his lack of understanding of the whole thing, cracking jokes about an obvious Dom/sub couple we saw at a restaurant.

I just smile politely and wait for the hilarity to pass. Then i will almost always offer some small bit of info relating to the need to accept other people who might not be like we are and the necessity of keeping an open mind about that which is new. I always slip the phrase "alternative lifestyles" in there somewhere. Gives them a phrase on which to hang further questions and leads them in the direction i want them to go.

If they want more info, if they ask, if they seem interested in learning more about "alternative lifestyles", then i slowly, carefully, keeping their levels of credulity and relative innocence in mind, begin talking about what i know about alternative lifestyles. I give socially acceptable examples such as people that live together forever but never get married, single women conceiving and raising children alone, blended families, gay couples, etc.

If that goes well, i may ease into the whole subject of BDSM via a discussion of the way in which people's ideas have changed over time regarding body modifications, i.e., tats and piercings. The subject of piercings often leads me directly into revealing my clit hood piercing. If that goes well, i might take the leap and explain that it was done by my Master specifically to symbolize my submission to him. THAT, of course, blows the whole can of worms wide open.

All this discussion can happen in the course of an evening (or faster) or over a much longer period of time. It can go in fits and starts. I've found that's generally best to let your friends' comfort level with "freaky sex stuff" guide your discussions. We don't want to scare them, that's for sure. There's enough scared people to go around already.

 

[Gingersnap]

Do not patronize me you hypocrite. A collar is a symbol of slavery period esp when its attached to a leash. Do you deny that correlation. If you do then you are sadly out of touch with the majority of people in this world. I have never much thought of the whole subject just because I find the whole thing silly. I find labels silly and not to be accurate most of the time. I do not care what you do in your bedroom. So do not dare to call me close minded when you are the ones spewing the labels. I said quite clearly what i object to is the symbols that you use. These are repugnant because of the oppression it symbolized for hundreds of thousands who wore that collar and chain because they were forced to not because of a choice!!! There was no love honor or respect in that relationship. Oh and last time I checked a wedding ring was not ownership papers but merely a symbol of a union. I honestly do not understand why you would pick a symbol that alienates so many as does a collar and leash.

Now if you dare to answer let me ask some hard questions. Do your children wittness this behavior. It would be interesting to know how the sons of submissives act towards women if there is any difference. Perhaps they are more respectful of their sub parent. Are your kids predisposed to the lifestyle? These are honestly the things I thought of first when I noticed the strand.

Now if you like the dom sub stuff go at it and I will not think any less or more of you for your choices. I merely think it shows a lack of sensitivity to use symbols which are repugnant to me and others.

writerdom who are you to judge what is open and closed when you are the one with the rigid rules of behavior for your subs. I do not limit myself to one area in sex or one behavior. How do you know that I am not a leader who refuses to be labeled by your group. Specter you can have whatever opinion you want but right here and now do not presume to tell me my own interpetation of what has been written.

Hecate I have the utmost respect for you. I think you are the bomb baby! You can use whatever you want from my ramblings. Nicole you know I do not care whatever floats your boat girlfriend is fine with me.

 

[cymbidia]

Do not patronize me you hypocrite. A collar is a symbol of slavery period esp when its attached to a leash.
`````
I said quite clearly what i object to is the symbols that you use. These are repugnant because of the oppression it symbolized for hundreds of thousands who wore that collar and chain because they were forced to not because of a choice!!! There was no love honor or respect in that relationship. Oh and last time I checked a wedding ring was not ownership papers but merely a symbol of a union. I honestly do not understand why you would pick a symbol that alienates so many as does a collar and leash.

I hope i'm not the hypocrite you're referring to!

Gingersnap, may i ask you this:
Is it possible that you have an intensely emotional reaction to the idea of a collar and leash due to your personal background, a background of which i have no knowledge? I really cannot understand your antipathy in any other way, and i've been trying.

Forced slavery has always been bad. Many millions of people throughout history have been enslaved, taken from their homes and families and treated very badly until they died. Such slavery has been with us as a species for all of the tens of thousands of years that we've been evolving. Doesn't make it right. Doesn't make it good.

Rape is like that.
Child molestation, too.
Hell, i think raising animals to make them fight is horrifying and brutal and should be severely punished.

BDSM is not like any of those things.
Please try to separate the BDSM lifestyle and sexual choices from *anything* that is forced on an unwilling person.

Symbols change and evolve over time, yes?
--In the Middle East of 20,000 years ago, beetle scarabs were known widely as symbols that increased the strength of the wearer.
--To the ancient Mayans living in the Yucatan Peninsula 1,500 years ago, carvings of jaguars were symbols of tremendous authority and power but a carving of a double-headed jaguar connoted extreme natural calamity.
--Not too long ago in England red and white roses meant something far different than what any of us thinks when we see them today.

The meaning of symbols changes over time. Not quickly, perhaps, but just as change is an inevitable condition of life, so do our symbols change.

To some of us, a collar simply is not the bitter and feared symbol you may see it as.

Now if you dare to answer let me ask some hard questions. Do your children wittness this behavior. It would be interesting to know how the sons of submissives act towards women if there is any difference. Perhaps they are more respectful of their sub parent. Are your kids predisposed to the lifestyle?

As far as i'm concerned, it's horrifying to think of parents exhibiting their sexuality in front of their children, no matter the flavor of that sexuality.

All things sexual belong in the province of adulthood.

BDSM'ers shield our children from all overt sexuality at least as much as anyone anywhere does. Why wouldn't we?

My two children (12 year old girl, 4 year old boy) will go to college and then do grad studies in something that fascinates them, as have their father and me. From us they'll continue to learn the value of hard work, of honesty, and of applying their brains and hearts to the solving of their problems. They'll grow up within the secure framework of a two-parent, old-fashioned nuclear family. Whatever they grow up to be sexually is still a long way off and as their mother, i probably won't know much about it.

They don't know about my submissive side, Gingersnap. It's not appropriate. However, that does *not* mean i don't practice it around them. I do. It's simply subsumed within the ordinary minutia of daily life in my house. You'd never notice it either.

For most of us, our submission is a private but immensely important and fulfilling part of our lives. We're not ashamed of it, it just doesn't belong around our kids.

 

[Madame Pandora]

Okay,

We've already established that I'm not "in the lifestyle."

Gingersnap, I'm sorry. Your views do read very close-minded to me. That's not a label, just the way you're reading, babe. I don’t think you’ve given near the time to understanding the issue as you have to being determined to oppose it.

If you'd like to do a little reading on the subject, I can send you to some of the links that helped me research my story. You'd learn that modern "collars" are not necessarily (or even usually) worn about the neck OR attached to a leash.

A collar is often a symbolic term given to an object which the submissive wears in obedience to their dom. No different from when most women married to "obey" their husbands and accepted wedding rings.

It can be a necklace, a piercing, a tattoo, a bracelet, an anklet or *gasp* yes, even a ring. There are also different stages of collars varying with the permanency of the relationship (like an engagement ring and a wedding band). There is some intimacy and individuality involved in the selection of these items that is unique to each couple.

They bear no resemblance to the play collars used in the setting of a scene between two partners and which you see in all those badly lit films.

Gingersnap, I'm not saying you're not entitled to your opinion, I'm just saying if you're going to be so outraged and against something, you might want to spend a minimal amount of time getting educated on it. If for nothing else, then to support your own argument and keep you from the appearance of close-mindedness, which you seem to bear such an aversion to.

And as much as you keep wanting to throw slavery in there, the fact remains that these people CHOOSE their lifestyles.

As for your comparing a collar worn in fun to one worn in this respect, I’ll ask you. The Nazis tattooed Jews at concentration camps. So…is everyone who gets tattoos today pandering to that “symbol” of horror?

Oh…and WriterDom’s post wasn’t judging you at all. He was asking how your lifestyle gave you the right to judge his.

MP

 

[codak]

I've been told that I am a switch, but I don't know how true that is. My friend got me into it and I would be anything for her, she's brilliant, attractive, sensitive, strong. She's like a cold glass of spring water in a dry cracking desert, she is the laugh that escapes a silent munks mouth, not to mention a real friend.

Well, you get my point I hope. lol

 

[cymbidia]

I've been told that I am a switch, but I don't know how true that is. My friend got me into it and I would be anything for her, she's brilliant, attractive, sensitive, strong. She's like a cold glass of spring water in a dry cracking desert, she is the laugh that escapes a silent munks mouth, not to mention a real friend.

Well, you get my point I hope. lol

Welcome, codak, and it sounds like you're in looooove...
Gonna write us a story about her?

 

[Nicole]

Nicole you know I do not care whatever floats your boat girlfriend is fine with me.

I know, and thanks

LOL

Like I said earlier, I'm not a slave to anyone, my relationship doesn't involve Master/slave, but it is a relationship based on Dom/sub. I happen to be happy, and I think when it all comes down to it, no matter what the Lifestyle any of us are into, it's our Business, and Our's alone.

I don't see myself as better or worse off than anyone else, I'm in love and I'm very loved back, so in my eyes as long as were all happy, then what does it matter?

Hecate, I'm not sure that I've said anything worth using but, if you feel the need then please do, but could you link us to it somewhere in the future, I'd love to see it.

Another thing if I may, I've learnt more about myself in these last few days than I have in a very long time, and through this thread I feel I've found out more about some of you too. Thanks for the discussion either way you may think.

Take Care

 

[Hecate]

Thanks to all ...

... for letting me take some thoughts from this thread - I will of course tell you all when I am done so you can have a look at it. Just be patient since I am one of those horribly perfectionists and I need my time to "get it right"

 

[WriterDom]

I'm not the one that claimed to have more variety, Ginger. And just because I have an interest in D/s doesn't mean that I limit myself to those types of relationships. When I am scening with a sub, having rules, rigid or not, have been agreed upon in advance. Being a Dom isn't about getting what you want, but giving what the sub wants. It doesn't rule out tenderness, or feelings, or love, but rather enhances these things.

And I don't understand your fixation on collars. We use the term collaring to define the extent of the commitment in the relationship, but a collar can be anything the couple choses, not just something worn on the neck. How you equate that with something as horrible as slavery is beyond me. I think a key word you are missing here is consensual. No one here that I know of is trying to force our beliefs on you.

You've posted 3 times to a thread about a subject you obviously disagree with using words like demeaning, repugnant, sick, and silly, and then you claim it us trying to label you? I don't think so.

 

[Gingersnap]

Cym thank you for answering my questions. As I have said before I do not have a problem with your role play. I have talked to many of my friends and peers about this topic. It provoked some interesting comments. None were derogatory just puzzled. Out of the twenty people I talked with all found the collar thing repugnant. These are people with varied backgrounds and nationality. It does not mean I find you repugnant because I do not like the symbols of your difference. I find your lifestyle difficult to understand because of the physical pain inflicted on one person. I am not talking about spankings here but when you start talking about whipping and branding and such...... I am comming from a totally different angle. Like it or not having the need to have someone severely(NOTE THIS WORD) humiliate you and injure you does not speak to a intact personality nor does having the need for total control.

I accept your differences and your right to practice them. I think these differences caused the choice of symbols. A sort of rebellion and fuck you to the rest of the nonalphabet world. I object to anyone being a slave even by choice. It is dehumanizing and injurious to the person in servitude. I know that doms and subs are different then slaves and that most of the play is symbolic. So go ahead and call me narrow minded and prejudiced if you think it fits. I happen to think it fits some who have replied to my words.

I remain mystified as to why someone would choose this life. I dare say it is as individual as each of you. So just call me an M&M hard shell on the outside and chocolately goodness on the inside. I happen to admire some who have chosen this lifestye. Hecate and Nicole come to mind immediately. I like both of these women as people and what they chose to do in their private moments does not concern me.

 

[alexander tzara]

Now you've had a little fun, Gingersnap, get back on this lead and lick my boots!

 

[Madame Pandora]

Ginger -

I am curious, is there maybe an age difference here?

Since researching the topic, I've spoken with many of my friends and a couple of the people I work with on it. NONE knew of the practice of collaring and most met me with a sort of amusement rather than revulsion. No one reacted as strongly as you have here.

I have to admit, with four exceptions, everyone I spoke with was in the 24 - 30 age range. I wonder if this is a topic a little less shocking to younger generations. (This would of course be moot if the people you talked to were in the same range).

I'm also curious about another thing. And, you may choose to take this personally if you like, but I think it's maybe an interesting point.

When you spoke with your friends who were all so repulsed, did you go into the discussions in negative terms? I mean, there is a difference between saying:

"Let me run this by you - I've been reading some facts about this alternative lifestyle..."

AND

"You won't believe what these sick idiots are discussing at this BB I post on..."

I'm actually shocked that you found so many people so adverse to it. I mean, the worst I got was my Dad sighing and shaking his head with a quiet "To each their own." Then he made a joke about "collaring" my mother which I'm quite certain he's still paying for.

I can understand a certain level of uneasiness. I can understand disapproval. But to be so adamantly against something as unobtrusive as the consensual sexual inclinations of others is as baffling to me as this entire discussion obviously seems to you.

And I am honestly intrigued by how different the reactions were from the people we queried outside the board.

Wow.

MP

 

[Ally C]

So go ahead and call me narrow minded and prejudiced if you think it fits. I happen to think it fits some who have replied to my words.

You're getting the hang of this dom/sub business quite well, albeit through literacy rather than actual physical experience. Being narrow-minded means that the 'collar' [metaphor] can be made in one size to fit all. Not everyone is narrow minded though, hence the variety of collars available.

I remain mystified as to why someone would choose this life. I dare say it is as individual as each of you. So just call me an M&M hard shell on the outside and chocolately goodness on the inside. I happen to admire some who have chosen this lifestye. Hecate and Nicole come to mind immediately. I like both of these women as people and what they chose to do in their private moments does not concern me.

Mystified and admiring? Repulsed and attracted perhaps? Don't take any of this personally, I'm just pushing a few switches and pulling some strings, nothing more. The knotted rope only hurts if you struggle against it.

 

[SpectreT]

ALEX......

That was the closest thing to a polite post I've seen from Gingersnap in this thread.

Gingersnap, I don't know if you were here for the thread about story categories, specifically BDSM vs Non-Consent, and where the line is drawn, but in that post I described how I find (as does any of the "Alphabet crowd") slavery repelling in the extreme, I even get a little sick when I read "blackmail" stories. I get nauseous when I think of the way women are treated in hard-line Islamic nations and Asia. That said, I thoroughly enjoy being given the gift of a woman's physical freedom, mental and physical well-being, and emotional wholeness. I would never abuse that trust, even though it sems to you that both I and my (now former) partner are somehow not well or whole beings because I liked to bind her and spank her, have her dress in costumes and play out little fantasies.

On the other hand, I also enjoy giving myself, freely, and unreservedly, to a woman, to be bound and spanked, lightly whipped, and whatever else comes up in our fantasies. The whole thing is a game, a very serious, fun, game.

Kind of like life.

You still don't understand the symbolism, stick at it, and that's fine. If you disagree with us, then please don't denigrate us. Over and over in your posts, I've seen the word "repugnant". That word is more insulting and emotionally charged than half of the ones I've omitted from my pigeonholes list just to keep from getting flamed, or to save Laurel the trouble of editing my post for legal reasons. Three words to remember, just three, like the three parts of the symbol, which means so much more.

The three words are:
Safe
Sane
& Consentual.

Consent is the key and important word here. The world is three-dimensional, and if you look at something from only one angle (i.e., Collar=Collar and leash=Man in Egypt mutilating young women with scisors), then you deprive yourself of one of the great things in life: Understanding.

 

[Gingersnap]

My word repugnant is about the collar symbol not you as individuals

HEH HEE HEE HEE HEH You guys crack me right up. MP I work in the medical world. We have seen all that and more sweetie. We are familiar with the whole culture because we have treated the role players more then once. Not so much an age difference but rather a life experience difference. When your first exposure to a lifestyle is to the extreme segment lets just say it can make one a bit jaundiced about the whole affair. Perhaps being firmly dedicated to healing does that to one. I do not judge people for their beliefs. I just do not necessarily hold them dear to my heart. I respect them for their right to believe what they will. I do not understand why people want to be humiliated or hurt by someone they love. I do not think that makes me predjudiced only mystified.

I also realize now that most of you don't want to hear a differing view. You want only those who would agree with you to comment here. I do not sit in judgement of you as individuals I object to the symbol of the collar and leash.

As for you Miss Ally here let me cut that choking collar off you with my scalpel. A number eleven blade ought to do it. Do not presume to read into my words. You almost certainly will be wrong.

Roger you hairy hunk pick me up and carry me off!

[Edited by Gingersnap on 04-11-2001 at 09:16 AM]

 

[Madame Pandora]

MP I work in the medical world. We have seen all that and more sweetie. We are familiar with the whole culture in that we have treated the role players more then once. And so no there is not an age difference but rather a life experience difference. When your first exposure to a lifestyle is to the extreme segment lets just say it can make one a bit jaundiced about the whole affair.

Ahh. This makes sense now. Never mind my curiosity.

I would disagree that you are familiar with the "whole culture" based upon your interactions only with the people who have inflicted severe enough harm upon one another to need care, but that's your judgment call to make.

I try not to argue with people in the medical profession. Life is too short, and who knows, they may save mine one day, so why piss them off.

At least now I understand where your perspective stems from.

MP

 

[Song]

Switch

Someone (a couple of pages back) asked about switches. I'll answer. First, though, some definitions I use in my own mind--I have no idea if they're "standard", but when I use them with my friends, they do seem to understand what I'm saying.

"Pain" vs. "sensation." I personally don't like using the word "pain" in relation to what happens during a consensual scene. When pain happens, I call my safeword. Pain is what happens when I stub my toe. When my partner causes me pain, he apologizes (verbally or not). Sensation, though--sensation is something I *crave*. Sensation is enjoyed and savored. And, believe me, I can take levels of "sensation" that would have many people screaming and running away...

"Top/Bottom" vs. "Dom/Sub." In my mind, "Top/Bottom" involves sensation, without the psychological/emotional aspects. Yes, there still has to be major communication, trust, and caring between the couple; yes, the top still has to try to get into the bottom's head to figure out what he or she wants; yes the bottom still puts him/herself in the top's physical control. But in "Dom/Sub," in my mind, it goes one step further (and doesn't always involve "sensation"). The Dom is in *psychological* control of the Sub. The Sub does what the Dom wants, simply because he wants it--not just because it physically feels good to her.

So, what motivates me to switch? Before I got into my current relationship, I switched a lot more than I do now. The first reason was that I played with people who were also able to switch, but we *all* preferred to bottom. (Go figure...) So we had to take turns.

Before I met my current partner, I was never in a dom/sub relationship. I liked to bottom--I really do crave sensation. Really. A lot. <G> I also do like to top--the responsibility of being in physical control of someone else is overwhelmingly powerful. The connection you build, so that you can judge just exactly how much the bottom can take, and just exactly what they want, is awesome. The trust the bottom places in you is beyond gratifying. The ability to lead someone to an area or a level they've never been is amazing. Watching the person's beautiful reactions, and *knowing* you're giving them something they want, and that you're doing it *well* is truly a gift--one that goes both ways.

It wasn't until my current partner, that I was able to truly "sub" to someone. I'm an incredibly strong person. Incredibly. I have *never* let anyone take charge of *any* aspect of my life. If I want something, I get it. And, quite frankly, I'd never met anyone who *could* play dom to me, who had a strong enough personality. It's not enough for me to simply "choose" to give control to someone else. It has to be proven to me that this other person could, if he wanted, *force* me to submit--physically, mentally, and emotionally. And then, knowing that I am able to place my trust in him--that, yes, he *could* force me, but he never, never, never *would*--that is what makes me want to give myself to him completely.

So why do I *want* to sub? Even amidst all of the strength I have, I am really a terrified little girl. And the ability to just let someone else direct me, tell me what to do, keep me safe--from everyone around me, and from *me*--is what, very often, I really crave. I want someone to take care of me, to put me, my happiness, and my safety as his first priority. The ability to just give up control over myself, at least for a time, is a gift that *he* gives to *me*.

But, occasionally, we do switch. Sometimes I want to show him what it's like to be on the other end, to receive sensation, to give control of yourself to someone else. And, quite frankly, sometimes it's just nice to be in control. I find that I have a hard time playing "dom," rather than "top," though. (It doesn't help that the expression he gets on his face when he switches to sub-space is just...silly, and I often have to fight a laugh... <G> )

As our relationship progresses, though, and I become more firmly his "sub" (rather than "bottom"), I also find it easier to be "dom" (rather than "top"). The exhilaration of everything that goes with topping has an added aspect. The knowledge that this person--this beautiful, wonderful person--has chosen to give himself to *me*--that he finds me worthy, that he can trust me fully--that, for at least a while, I have complete responsibility over the happiness and safety of another person--I don't even have the words to describe the power of that feeling.

Yes, I really do prefer to sub, most of the time, but sometimes it also feels just plain wonderful to dom.

(Ack--this has gotten long...)

(Permission granted for anyone to reproduce any or all of this post.)

 

[Deborah]

This BDSM spiel is the biggest load of shit I've seen since "Conversations with God" by Neale Donald Walsch.

 

[Gingersnap]

Debbie I find that repugnant!!!

How you doing Debs?