Domestic Abuse

[Belegon]

Ok, here we go. On the issue of physical threats and fear for life and limb only.

You can all call me a wimp, but I know better. I could take out most men in a knock down dragout and I know it. I am 5'11", 210 lbs. and I have some physical power.

So why then, if it is only about physical fear and physical threats, was I in an abusive relationship for 3 yrs?

Some others have touched on this. There are many kinds of control. What was exerted over me was emotional. I had much lower self esteem at the time. She was attractive and we had a physical chemistry unequaled in my experience. Basically, I was besotted with some parts of her personality and with her sexuality and thus ignored the danger signs.

She was controlling and jealous to an extreme. This woman would reach over and cover my eyes in a movie theatre if a nude scene came on. She once opened a gash in my forearm with her keys (swinging with all her might) in front of two friends we were having a dinner party with because I was watching Elizabeth Shue "too intently" in the opening to Adventures In Babysitting. I had glasses and dishes thrown at me. I was threatened with a Chef's knife over a wrong number call once.

We had many, many fights over "the way you looked at her!" or even "The way she looked at you."

But I stayed. I did break up with her for almost three months at one point, but mostly in name. Although she moved back in with her parents and I dated others, she still spent 2-3 nights a week at my apt.

I never did truly leave her until I went away to continue my education. Even then I was planning to bring her back to live with me and go to school ther when she ran off with a guy she met while dancing. It hurt me terribly and was the best thing that could have happened to me.

There are a lot of kinds of control. "Just Leave!" is the refrain that is the most stereotyped and the one the abused dismiss's the quickest.

I was never forced to remain with my abusive girlfriend via anything physical or monetary. But I stayed.

 

[Couture]

I deleted most of this post because I am in agreement with it, as I am in agreement with what has been said on this thread. However, I must take exception with this one paragraph. Although it is true that most laws are written by men, and that most of those men are husbands and fathers, most of those men are not abusers.

Well, I don't know this for sure. I do know that the law provides more protection for strangers than it does for husbands, wives, and children. I do know that until the last hundred or so years, wives and children were considered a man's property.

However, things are better than they were 100 years ago. Things are better than they were 20 years ago.

 

[TheEarl]

I am honestly scared by the number of people who have suffered with this. I have no advice that isn't trite.

If there is ever anything I can do to help anyone, even if it's just to listen (or to feed the abuser his teeth), my inbox is always open.

The Earl

 

[Guest]

Ya know I think the best solution for abusers is a simple lead injection treatment.

 

[carsonshepherd]

As no doubt we all know... abuse isn't just physical. Emotional abuse makes you so dead inside you no longer even care about getting out. Control. Control. Control. Someone who really loves you... wants you to be your own person. Not his/hers.

 

[cantdog]

I worked with cops on a daily basis for many years. They intentionally delayed going to those calls:

seacat: Another misconception is that the Police won't help. In most cases this is not true. In many cases it is true they are afraid to step in, but they will step in. (A domestic Disturbance call is the cops nightmare. They are the most volotail and dangerouse calls they respond to. Tempers are up, and people will explode into violence often without warning. More cops are injured responding to these calls than any others.) Most states have laws directing the officers to arrest if they see any sign of physical abuse, and the woman wont have to even show up in court. However, these cops often see the abusers released by the courts, or bailed out by the abused soon after they arrest them. It gets old for them. (One officer, a friend of mine was in tears one night. He had arrested the same man for abuse sixteen times in one year only to watch his wife bail him out each time. The seventeenth time he arrested him was for murder when he beat her to death. The cop had tried repeatedly to help her but she refused to be helped, mainly from fear.)

Just as cloudy said.

Rare is the cop who will put himself in the way of these guys, though there are some who do.

I've taken people into my house who needed this kind of shelter, kids and all. Did little good, because the girl went back, telling me it would be all right. Short term, yes, but ultimately, no.

I answered ambulance calls to the local Spruce Run shelter and everyone there was carrying themselves like a victim, using victim body language. It changes everything about them.

I knew a guy who was abused, too. He refused any assistance. What can you do?

My own assistance was more effective than the "system's," but I think less than Spruce Run. That sort of place is great. The staff has "been there." I wish they taught the people they take in to stand up and stop cringing, though. Body language of victims calls forth victimization. But they are better at it than I was, overall, anyway.

 

[curious2c]

Wow...this whole thread hits so close to home it's scary. I have two older sisters whe were in very...very abusive relationships.

What I know or have found out over the years...

The abuser:

Controlling, begins by the little things, such as phone calls, letters, e-mails...questioning every little move, every converstation that is not with him/her (yes there are female abusers as well)

escalates into control over who the SO sees, talks to, always control is the issue.

Later, the phsyical abuse starts, usually after months or years of verbal abuse. Ther verbal abuse lessens the feelings of self worth of the abusee...while the abuser makes like some kind of saint for even putting up with them at all.

The physical abuse starts and things will accelerate from that point until either someone intervenes, the abuser gets outside help, or the abusee dies.

Part of what makes someone stay...

The abuser will usually (I say usually with a large amount of hesitation as it makes it so general when humans, have such individual ways) apologize, but in such a way that the abusee feels that it must have been their fault and they somehow encouraged the abuse by their actions...

The abuser will work at being better...for a while...then, it flares up again. Followed by apology and seemingly working to improve themselves, while driving to the abusee their fault in why the abuser has acted like they have.

Eventually, the abusee feels that each time it is their fault for whatever reason and that they must deserve the punishment. Or they are in fear of their children's lives, keeping them from pain or hurt.

Always the abusee is made to feel worthless, alone without the abuser, always at fault for any reason, and in fear of their very lives eventually.

Abuse also has many faces. Physical is the most heard of as it seems to be the most painful. There is also mental abuse, that comes with it though...and it's way it is far worse as it destroy's a persons ability to fight back and also destory's a person's view of themselves as well. This can take years to build back up, if ever.


If you are in or know someone that is in an abusive relationship, be very careful of how you get involved. The abuser will target you as 'trouble' and the abusee will suffer for that fact.

There are places to get help for yourself and for others, learn about your communities locally avialable help and talk to them. They can help you walk through the proper steps to get the abusee out of that situation...whether it be you or a friend, or a neighbor.

Of all things that happen in the lives of people...I consider abuse to be the most vile, most destructive, and ugliest of all or any sins. Most times it involves so many more people than just the abuser and the abusee. Whole families, even communties can be affected by such a crime.

And yes...it is a crime.

 

[sweetnpetite]

It's different for everybody.

Fear,

desparation

fear of being alone or not being able to find someone else

belief that there is something so wrong with you that no one else could love you- especially if they knew

messed up ideas about what the nature of love

desire for *passion*

the good things about the person hold you there

the idea of who you wish the person is/ believe they can be hold you there

belief that if you leave or end the relationship you have sometimes failed

ideas of 'for better or worse' or 'unconditional love'

being broken down or controlled by this person

sometimes outside influences (your afraid of disaproval or that people will say 'I told you so')

fear that the person will hurt themselves or that they *need* you.

and soooooooo many more...

 

[sweetnpetite]

Sometimes people don't believe that it will get better or that their really is any alternative (ie, all men are dogs, or all lovers are posessive)

Sometimes their background is such that they don't know (as in real life experience) any different. Sometimes they even may crave the abuse as *proof of love* if they have a very abusive or neglected past/upbringing.

Oh yeah, and abusers are *experts* in human behavior. They always no how to strike were you are weakest. they know when and how to appologize. they know how to convince you that they are sincere. they even know how to use 'reverse phychology' they may start crying and talk about how you diserve better, how they aren't worth it... and totally flip the script so that *you* feel bad for them. Abusers are *good* at turning themselves into the victim!