Female Lit authors: How much unsolicited sexual advances have you dealt with as a result of your writing?

[StillStunned]

It's time to bring out Kryten's double polaroid!

 

[Bramblethorn]

For a moment, I thought that stood for 'post-modern,' and was briefly intrigued.

I initially read as "post-mortem", which was also intriguing in its own way.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Black Adder is quintessential British comedy. Many Americans won't get it at all.

I think most Americans would get it some.

I think most Americans would not get all of it.

But as an American who is a big fan of Blackadder (particularly Blackadder Goes Forth) I'd say that most of my friends who I've shown it too found it at least a little funny.

(Oh, but just like basically everyone else, I dislike the first season)

 

[AlexBailey]

I initially read as "post-mortem", which was also intriguing in its own way.

Rumors of my passing are somewhat exaggerated.

That was PM as opposed to an AM message.

 

[Euphony]

(The thread might get back on track, but it might have exhausted the OP's original question.)

Like a bus, there'll be another one round sooner or later.

Clearly not the exact same stops but absolutely going in the same general direction.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Female Lit authors: How much unsolicited sexual advances have you dealt with as a result of your writing?​

I’m thinking of writing an essay about this. Not either a kiss and tell, or a get slapped in the face and tell, but just covering the general experience in an anonymized, documentary way.

TL-DNR: Most people are sweet.

Even those after something tend to be polite when they learn it’s not on offer. It is a sex site after all. I used to sext before I was in a relationship, so who am I to judge? Some people are just lonely (as I was), or stuck in sexless relationships. They are often honest about what they are looking for, I’m honest about them having to look elsewhere. No harm, no foul. Some stick around to chat about other stuff. Some have become friends, or at least good acquaintances.

Nowadays, most people PM me about my writing. Mostly to say nice things.

Of course there are some exceptions - though I get much less of those since Laurel helped me chop the “Sub” off the end of my username (that was naive of me in retrospect - as was my original avatar, though it was meant to be cheeky more than provocative). But even they haven’t been really nasty.

Any nastiness I have experienced hasn’t really been anything directly to do with writing and so not really relevant to this question.

As mentioned by at least one person, the biggest problems are the wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Em

 

[MediocreAuthor]

It is a sex site after all.

If I understand you here, then I don't think that is exactly a fair statement. (I mean, it's your opinion, fine -- but I disagree)

This is not a meet-and-fuck site. It's a literary site with an erotic focus.

If I worked in a sex-toy store, would that give the clientele the right to treat me as anything other than a normal sales person? Hit on me more? Ask me for nudes? It is a sex store after all.

No. Of course not.

So people asking for nude pics from an erotica author is no different.

Especially since, in my case, I specifically say in my bio that I'm married, extremely monogamous, and uninterested in such nonsense. I don't specifically say that I won't sell nude pics, but I feel like I shouldn't have to.

That said, I've never been rude to the majority of men who ask for more, but I don't take it as a given that such interactions are acceptable.

 

[Altissimus]

I think it's an interesting reflection on our culture that none of my female readers have ever asked me for a nude. Or told me that I had to take them roughly from behind, and they weren't going to take no as an answer because they knew I'd like it really.

Just a thought.

 

[MillieDynamite]

But, my most cherished @medocreAuthor, they do hit on the workers there often like she's a streetwalker. I only know this because A. I've seen it, and B. a friend of mine was a sales clerk at a sex toy store.

If I understand you here, then I don't think that is exactly a fair statement. (I mean, it's your opinion, fine -- but I disagree)

This is not a meet-and-fuck site. It's a literary site with an erotic focus.

If I worked in a sex-toy store, would that give the clientele the right to treat me as anything other than a normal sales person? Hit on me more? Ask me for nudes? It is a sex store after all.

No. Of course not.

So people asking for nude pics from an erotica author is no different.

Especially since, in my case, I specifically say in my bio that I'm married, extremely monogamous, and uninterested in such nonsense. I don't specifically say that I won't sell nude pics, but I feel like I shouldn't have to.

That said, I've never been rude to the majority of men who ask for more, but I don't take it as a given that such interactions are acceptable.

 

[MillieDynamite]

Oh, you, poor baby!

I think it's an interesting reflection on our culture that none of my female readers have ever asked me for a nude. Or told me that I had to take them roughly from behind, and they weren't going to take no as an answer because they knew I'd like it really.

Just a thought.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

I think it's an interesting reflection on our culture that none of my female readers have ever asked me for a nude. Or told me that I had to take them roughly from behind, and they weren't going to take no as an answer because they knew I'd like it really.

Just a thought.

No, but I remember I sent you noods before.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

But, my most cherished @medocreAuthor, they do hit on the workers there often like she's a streetwalker. I only know this because A. I've seen it, and B. a friend of mine was a sales clerk at a sex toy store.

Sure! But that doesn't make it acceptable behavior!

 

[MillieDynamite]

Certainly not.

Sure! But that doesn't make it acceptable behavior!

 

[Bramblethorn]

I’m thinking of writing an essay about this. Not either a kiss and tell, or a get slapped in the face and tell, but just covering the general experience in an anonymized, documentary way.

TL-DNR: Most people are sweet.

Even those after something tend to be polite when they learn it’s not on offer.

I haven't had a problem with people getting rude after the "no". (Though as the recent unpleasant visitor in this thread demonstrated, it does happen.) It's more been the "before".

A while back, in one of the other fora here, I was talking with a couple of other people about parenting. I mentioned my own experiences as a step-parent, some of which had been pretty rough. And then:

Guy in my PMs: I liked what you said in the parenting thread, you sound like a very caring mother.
Me: Thanks, I appreciate that.
PM Guy: imagining you riding my huge cock [blah blah blah]

That's just shitty. I find it hard to accept compliments to begin with; when somebody gives me a compliment about something really important to me, and then in the next breath makes it clear that it was just something they said to get their dick in the door, that makes it all the harder. To be fair, when I pointed out to the guy how slimy this was, he apologised and I think he was sincere. But that requires putting my own feelings aside and using my time and energy to articulate a calm reply that he might understand (with no guarantee that he's interested in understanding) when I'd have been well within my rights to just say "fuck off creep".

I've had similar things with other guys messaging me to offer a compliment on one of my stories and then as soon as I replied trying to steer the conversation to sex. Again, it's something that taints not only that discussion but other interactions with people who genuinely are there to talk about the stories.

I'm fine with directness. If somebody were to message me with "hey, I find you attractive, wanna cyber/hook up in person, here's a bit about who I am" and it didn't feel like a generic thing they're sending to everybody... no guarantees I'd say yes, but I wouldn't find it objectionable and I'd appreciate the honesty. It's using insincere compliments as an opener that made those interactions sleazy.

(Also, dudes who do the insincere-compliments kind of thing: if your icebreaker depends on tricking somebody into giving a courtesy that you're then going to misconstrue as permission for explicit chat, that says very bad things about your understanding of consent.)

 

[EmilyMiller]

If I understand you here, then I don't think that is exactly a fair statement. (I mean, it's your opinion, fine -- but I disagree)

This is not a meet-and-fuck site. It's a literary site with an erotic focus.

If I worked in a sex-toy store, would that give the clientele the right to treat me as anything other than a normal sales person? Hit on me more? Ask me for nudes? It is a sex store after all.

No. Of course not.

So people asking for nude pics from an erotica author is no different.

Especially since, in my case, I specifically say in my bio that I'm married, extremely monogamous, and uninterested in such nonsense. I don't specifically say that I won't sell nude pics, but I feel like I shouldn't have to.

That said, I've never been rude to the majority of men who ask for more, but I don't take it as a given that such interactions are acceptable.

I’ve never had “send me pics, ho” as a first message. I used to get “submit to me, ho” as a first PM when my username was longer.

It’s mostly:

Guy: can we, you know, chat?

Me: Er, what about? I should say I I’m a boring, monogamous old lady nowadays?

Guy: so you don’t do sexy talk?

Me: not really anymore, as per my profile

Guy: Oh! Why’d ya stop?

Em: I have a boyfriend

Guy #1: oh, congratulations, and good luck with that.

Guy #2: oh, congratulations, and it’s cool, do you mind taking about other stuff?

I’m saying that people (including me historically) come here as they are lonely and sexually frustrated (and yes it’s not the only reason). When you then find female writers, it’s not that odd that some get the wrong idea. I’m not saying it’s cool, just maybe not surprising. Less surprising than if you got dick pics on a revolutionary war re-enactment site. And it is a sex site and it is a hook up site, whether we want to acknowledge this in our authorial bubble or not.

And, as I say, most are polite. And you just cut off those who aren’t. Or - if you are me - you torture them a bit first.

Em

 

[MediocreAuthor]

I’ve never had “send me pics, ho” as a first message. I used to get “submit to me, ho” as a first PM when my username was longer.

It’s mostly:

Guy: can we, you know, chat?

Me: Er, what about? I should say I I’m a boring, monogamous old lady nowadays?

Guy: so you don’t do sexy talk?

Me: not really anymore, as per my profile

Guy: Oh! Why’d ya stop?

Em: I have a boyfriend

Guy #1: oh, congratulations, and good luck with that.

Guy #2: oh, congratulations, and it’s cool, do you mind taking about other stuff?

I’m saying that people (including me historically) come here as they are lonely and sexually frustrated (and yes it’s not the only reason). When you then find female writers, it’s not that odd that some get the wrong idea. I’m not saying it’s cool, just maybe not surprising. Less surprising than if you got dick pics on a revolutionary war re-enactment site. And it is a sex site and it is a hook up site, whether we want to acknowledge this in our authorial bubble or not.

And, as I say, most are polite. And you just cut off those who aren’t. Or - if you are me - you torture them a bit first.

Em

I think I agree with Bramblethorn.

I don't get "Send me pics, ho" either; certainly not as a first message.

I get:

Guy: "Hey, is that you in your profile picture?"

Me: "Yes, although, obviously there's a filter."

Guy: "Oh you're very beautiful/sexy/whatever."

Me: "Thank you, but before we go on, you should know that I'm married, as explained in my bio."

Guy: "Have you ever considered sleeping around on your husband?"



There's a million acceptable ways to meet women online, but that isn't one.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I haven't had a problem with people getting rude after the "no". (Though as the recent unpleasant visitor in this thread demonstrated, it does happen.) It's more been the "before".

A while back, in one of the other fora here, I was talking with a couple of other people about parenting. I mentioned my own experiences as a step-parent, some of which had been pretty rough. And then:

Guy in my PMs: I liked what you said in the parenting thread, you sound like a very caring mother.
Me: Thanks, I appreciate that.
PM Guy: imagining you riding my huge cock [blah blah blah]

That's just shitty. I find it hard to accept compliments to begin with; when somebody gives me a compliment about something really important to me, and then in the next breath makes it clear that it was just something they said to get their dick in the door, that makes it all the harder. To be fair, when I pointed out to the guy how slimy this was, he apologised and I think he was sincere. But that requires putting my own feelings aside and using my time and energy to articulate a calm reply that he might understand (with no guarantee that he's interested in understanding) when I'd have been well within my rights to just say "fuck off creep".

I've had similar things with other guys messaging me to offer a compliment on one of my stories and then as soon as I replied trying to steer the conversation to sex. Again, it's something that taints not only that discussion but other interactions with people who genuinely are there to talk about the stories.

I'm fine with directness. If somebody were to message me with "hey, I find you attractive, wanna cyber/hook up in person, here's a bit about who I am" and it didn't feel like a generic thing they're sending to everybody... no guarantees I'd say yes, but I wouldn't find it objectionable and I'd appreciate the honesty. It's using insincere compliments as an opener that made those interactions sleazy.

(Also, dudes who do the insincere-compliments kind of thing: if your icebreaker depends on tricking somebody into giving a courtesy that you're then going to misconstrue as permission for explicit chat, that says very bad things about your understanding of consent.)

Yeah - I’ve had that too.

Guy: I loved your story

Me: Oh, thank you, which one?

Guy: The recent one

Me: Oh, cool, I liked the dialog in that

Guy: What?

Me: the people talking

Guy: oh right. So do you do that kinky shit you write about?

Me: Once upon a time, years ago

Guy: so, would you like to do it with me?

Me: [Decides whether to let him down gently, or to toy with him first…]

 

[EmilyMiller]

I think I agree with Bramblethorn.

I don't get "Send me pics, ho" either; certainly not as a first message.

I get:

Guy: "Hey, is that you in your profile picture?"

Me: "Yes, although, obviously there's a filter."

Guy: "Oh you're very beautiful/sexy/whatever."

Me: "Thank you, but before we go on, you should know that I'm married, as explained in my bio."

Guy: "Have you ever considered sleeping around on your husband?"



There's a million acceptable ways to meet women online, but that isn't one.

Yeah - maybe I’ve just got inured to it.

I do sometimes say, “I’m getting married” only to get “will he let you sleep around?”

It’s kinda odd.

Em

 

[Bramblethorn]

I think most Americans would get it some.

I think most Americans would not get all of it.

But as an American who is a big fan of Blackadder (particularly Blackadder Goes Forth) I'd say that most of my friends who I've shown it too found it at least a little funny.

(Oh, but just like basically everyone else, I dislike the first season)

Season 1 is patchy but I'm still fond of it overall. We still quote "oh, Edmund, it's the lying that's hurtful!" and it's hard to go wrong with Brian Blessed off the leash.

Compared to the later seasons, it does lean much more heavily on assumed knowledge about English history and Shakespeare. There are a lot of jokes that are funny if one's familiar with topics like the martyrdom of Thomas a'Beckett or the Great Schism of 1378-1417, and will fall flat for audiences who don't have that background.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Season 1 is patchy but I'm still fond of it overall. We still quote "oh, Edmund, it's the lying that's hurtful!" and it's hard to go wrong with Brian Blessed off the leash.

Compared to the later seasons, it does lean much more heavily on assumed knowledge about English history and Shakespeare. There are a lot of jokes that are funny if one's familiar with topics like the martyrdom of Thomas a'Beckett or the Great Schism of 1378-1417, and will fall flat for audiences who don't have that background.

And then there's jokes about vegetables in rude and amusing shapes that are pretty much universal.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I haven't had a problem with people getting rude after the "no". (Though as the recent unpleasant visitor in this thread demonstrated, it does happen.) It's more been the "before".

A while back, in one of the other fora here, I was talking with a couple of other people about parenting. I mentioned my own experiences as a step-parent, some of which had been pretty rough. And then:

Guy in my PMs: I liked what you said in the parenting thread, you sound like a very caring mother.
Me: Thanks, I appreciate that.
PM Guy: imagining you riding my huge cock [blah blah blah]

That's just shitty. I find it hard to accept compliments to begin with; when somebody gives me a compliment about something really important to me, and then in the next breath makes it clear that it was just something they said to get their dick in the door, that makes it all the harder. To be fair, when I pointed out to the guy how slimy this was, he apologised and I think he was sincere. But that requires putting my own feelings aside and using my time and energy to articulate a calm reply that he might understand (with no guarantee that he's interested in understanding) when I'd have been well within my rights to just say "fuck off creep".

I've had similar things with other guys messaging me to offer a compliment on one of my stories and then as soon as I replied trying to steer the conversation to sex. Again, it's something that taints not only that discussion but other interactions with people who genuinely are there to talk about the stories.

I'm fine with directness. If somebody were to message me with "hey, I find you attractive, wanna cyber/hook up in person, here's a bit about who I am" and it didn't feel like a generic thing they're sending to everybody... no guarantees I'd say yes, but I wouldn't find it objectionable and I'd appreciate the honesty. It's using insincere compliments as an opener that made those interactions sleazy.

(Also, dudes who do the insincere-compliments kind of thing: if your icebreaker depends on tricking somebody into giving a courtesy that you're then going to misconstrue as permission for explicit chat, that says very bad things about your understanding of consent.)

Oh, and bramble,

I just thought of two things:

1. Me being apologetic about having a pornstar avatar is kinda like me being apologetic about ND issues
2. It’s also like being apologetic about wearing a short dress

I guess we have “it’s my fault” baked into us.

Em

 

[lovecraft68]

[No personal attacks or trolling - including creating accounts for this specific purpose. Heated discussions are fine, even welcome. However, personally attacking / kink-shaming a fellow author or reader is not allowed within the Author's Hangout. Threads which devolve into the exchanging of insults will be closed and repeat offenders will be given a timeout, per the AH rules.]

 

[lovecraft68]

[No personal attacks or trolling - including creating accounts for this specific purpose. Heated discussions are fine, even welcome. However, personally attacking / kink-shaming a fellow author or reader is not allowed within the Author's Hangout. Threads which devolve into the exchanging of insults will be closed and repeat offenders will be given a timeout, per the AH rules.]

 

[MillieDynamite]

I think the, "I’m a married black lesbian. My wife’s name is Jo," in my profile gives the idea I'm starved for dick or something. If they've seen a post where I admit I once was a prostitute, they feel they have a right to be rude to me.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Yeah - maybe I’ve just got inured to it.

I do sometimes say, “I’m getting married” only to get “will he let you sleep around?”

Okay, but:



This strikes me as another of those "apologetic" things.

Being married isn't an automatic exclusion these days. About half the people I've ever slept with were married to somebody else at the time, and most of the rest were partnered. One was cheating on her boyfriend, a couple were separated and headed for divorce, all the rest were in consensually non-monogamous relationships. "I'm married"/"I have a boyfriend"/etc. is often a polite cover for "No, I don't want to".

Unfortunately it's often a necessary cover, because there are a lot of guys who find it easier to respect some other guy's "ownership" of a woman than to respect the woman's own "no". And even if the hearer understands that being married doesn't always mean no, being told "sorry, I'm married" in that context should definitely be taken as a no.

Not blaming you or anybody else for using that particular refusal, and those guys are still being creepy. Just wish we lived in a world where "no thanks, not interested" was the default refusal instead of having to tiptoe around people's egos.