Finding love, and realizing it

[leopardlover]

How do you find love? And realize it before you fuck it up somehow? Before you do that one fateful thing and he/she is gone, and youre lost?

not asking from experience on the losing part but still ... an interesting discussion, no?

 

[The Neon Wolf]

For me when I realized that I'd give up everything and do whatever it takes just to see her smile.

Simple and cheesy yes, but I wouldn't have it any other way

 

[pupper]

I met her 18 years ago yesterday september 17,1987 I give her a card or little present every year on that date.Bells went off in my head when I met her,I knew there was something different about her and tryed to put her out of my mind several times.We slept together 6 months after meeting,and it was like magic.She left for about three weeks to conneticut.I was miserable and thought I had lost her forever, then I wrote her a letter.I had a strange feeling one day that I would see her.I went water skiing that night after work when I got in around 11:00 pm. my mother said she had called I called her back we stayed up almost all night just talking at her prents house.The next day we asked each other for marriage(at the same time the same thing was coming out of our mouths).We got pregnant before our marriage date and eloped on november 4 1988.And we have been living happily ever after.

 

[leopardlover]

I want to find that kinda love someday. Whys it gotta be so hard? :-/

 

[SweetErika]

I've always thought, yes, I make an effort to meet new people and develop relationships, but love sort of finds me, usually when I least expect it. I realize it when my feelings of caring deepen, when I want to talk to or spend time with them no matter what we're doing, when their happiness brings me great joy, and their sadness causes me a lot of pain. And vice versa. I just know it's love, I guess.

I think true love is very resilient and forgiving. Yes, you can screw up and lose the person, but that usually doesn't mean the love goes away. I can't tell you how many times my husband and I have fought, and in some cases, really hurt eachother. We've both screwed up a lot over the years, but we stay together, we decide to work it out, we decide we love eachother way too much to not forgive and walk away. So, I think when there's a love that deep, it's more difficult to lose than keep.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Finding love is the easy part, keeping it is hard. That's what I've heard said a hundred times, and said it a few myself, but I'm not sure I believe it. I went from the worst time in my life out of a bad relationship, a torent of unhappy affairs and fell into a new one right before I left for three months on a work gig. I spent three months on the phone with this woman learning every detail about her. three months later I came back and found I didn't only have a lover, but a best friend.

12 years later she's still my best friend and my loving wife. From our first date I realized that we were destined for each other. A casual dinner whre she offhandedly asked me what my perfect girl was. I answered her truthfuly and half way through realized I was describing her. She later confessed that I matched her description too. I honestly believe that true love is predestined, that there is one person for everyone. I know it's totally possible to love more than one person, there is such a thing as a soul mate, and I found mine. It sounds to me Pupper, like you've found yours.

And you're right Erika, soul mates still fight, say hurtful things, and generally can screw up big time. Once you realize though what you have, that you have found your soul mate in each other, then even those things can be worked through. There's a soul mate for all of us, we just have to be smart enough to realize it.

But the question, how do you find it and how do you realize it? I believe it will find you. Realizing it? When you suddenly realize that everything you've ever wanted is sitting across the table, drinking sweet thai tea and eating sweet and sour chicken, it will hit you like a thunderbolt. Unless you are totally dense, you won't miss it.

BTW, this is an awesome thread! Such a breath of fresh air to talk about love gone right for a change.

 

[leopardlover]

It just seems sometimes it can hardly ever happen. I mean, people can come off -totally- wrong. like, two people meet at horrible times in their lives, or even just one of theirs and nothing happens. Had they known each other just a lil it woulda been love, but then it isnt. And what about the poor guys n girls who're defensive, cynical....Dont believe in much of anything or anyone because they've been hurt most of their lives? Those who dont know how, or have a very hard time showing emotion, caring? Who it takes a long time to even admit to themselves the 3 words "I love him/her"?
What hapens tro them? How does someone like that find love? Escape the cage of dispassion, of guardedness that once was a refuge and has protected (At least a little, an imperfect adaptation) but is not a prison, holding them in even though they want to get out...Cant?

Sorry TBK. im an even out person generally. No pure happiness here. With me I will always try to see all different ways. but...A thought has played through my head lately, and it may be wrong. Please tell me if so but here it is.

"Cynicality is the last defense of the true romantic"

 

[SweetErika]

And you're right Erika, soul mates still fight, say hurtful things, and generally can screw up big time. Once you realize though what you have, that you have found your soul mate in each other, then even those things can be worked through. There's a soul mate for all of us, we just have to be smart enough to realize it.
<snip>
BTW, this is an awesome thread! Such a breath of fresh air to talk about love gone right for a change.

Very true, on both counts! Actually, my husband and I don't fight much at all anymore because we both prefer compromise and see no sense in repeating fights we've already had more than once. If it's still an issue after seven years, it's never going to be resolved, so why waste time being upset about it? But I look at most of the things we've been through and often wonder why just one of those events or issues DIDN'T tear us apart...the only explanation I can come up with is it's true love and compatibility, and we've both known it for a long time.

It just seems sometimes it can hardly ever happen. I mean, people can come off -totally- wrong. like, two people meet at horrible times in their lives, or even just one of theirs and nothing happens. Had they known each other just a lil it woulda been love, but then it isnt.

Well, yes, people do meet at the wrong time, and it doesn't work. That's happened to me more than once. However, I also meet a lot of people at the right time, and I don't even know that I believe in a wrong time...every interaction teaches me something about myself and/or others. Many times, that knowledge proves invaluable when the next person comes along, and once in awhile I'll meet the person it didn't work with at another time, and it does work then. I guess I see many, many opportunities for love. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but there's always another chance just around the bend.

And what about the poor guys n girls who're defensive, cynical....Dont believe in much of anything or anyone because they've been hurt most of their lives? Those who dont know how, or have a very hard time showing emotion, caring? Who it takes a long time to even admit to themselves the 3 words "I love him/her"?
What hapens tro them? How does someone like that find love? Escape the cage of dispassion, of guardedness that once was a refuge and has protected (At least a little, an imperfect adaptation) but is not a prison, holding them in even though they want to get out...Cant?

I believe the people who are very cynical are making a choice to close themselves off to opportunity, so I really don't feel sorry for them. Everyone has loved and lost, everyone who's taken the chance more than once has been hurt, but they can choose to quit or keep trying.

When we met, my husband didn't know how to show emotion or love. But I needed it, told him, and he gave it a try, little by little. It took him a long time to love me, or at least admit it, but the point is that he was willing to try, even though it was incredibly new and difficult. So, he found love by stepping outside of his comfort zone, and being somewhat open to the possibility of loving someone someday.

 

[DarkMuse]

My guy and I think we were destined for one another.

It's only been 4 months, but we are best friends, and lovers. We fell hard, and fast--but it wasn't the "out of control, infatuation" type love...it is gentle and sweet and comfortable (although I am always excited to see him).

He's told me things he's never told anyone, and I told him I loved him after 3 months (which is a big no-no for me).

Everyone says it seems like we've been together forever, and we feel the same way. It's like we were waiting for each other.

 

[leopardlover]

True Erika, about the cynicality part. They choose...Sometimes unconsciously, out of a desire to not feel pain. And because theyve seen enough times that life generally seems to hurt, so its hard to trust and believe in anything. Let alone care about anything because it leads to pain. me...Someone broke through my shell, opened me up a bit. It didnt work out but im willing to try at least now. im still very selfconcious and dont have much self esteem but im looking again.
heh. I just do not know where to look, or really, what to look for I guess. I know what I want but I always seem to come off wrong to people. hostile, defensive. Become very obnoxious quite accidently out of nervousness and not realizing im doing it. And yes, Im spilling my guts out (to an extent) here but hey...Its the net. And any i meet IRL will see through this stuff enough to decide they really like me one way or another right? n who knows, I may just get some good advice. Or find that oh so elusive creature love...

 

[TBKahuna123]

You will definitely get some good advice here. I know a lot of people just like you (assuming you are the cynic in question). It is tough, especially if you've been burned one time too many. It's funny how it happens though. Like i said, I was ready to give up women and jsut become a man whore (which if you knew me, you'd realize how ludicrous that idea was), that's when I met my wife. For her part, she thought I was too good to be true, and did for a few years after we were married. The reason wasn't that I'm so perfect, it's that we fit together so well, and she was rather cynical about love. But she stuck it out, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and one day she said she just suddenly realized that it wasn't going to.

My best friend got burned really bad, his ex wife just up and told him that she wanted a divorce, this after he had litterally given up EVERYTHING for her, moved out of state, sold his car, quit his job so she could join the military, and was taking care of her kid, who he adopted. Then she met someone in basic, cheated on him, and decided she idn't want to be married to him anymore. So they split, got divorced and he rolled over on everything so he coudl still see the kid. She then married the new guy and took the kid and left the country. You want to talk about crushed? Well once we got him past the thoughts of homocide/suicide, he swore he'd never fall in love, let alone get married. So we introduce him to friendof my wife and they just hate each other, total opposites. 6 months later they're engaged. Now he's happily married, has a couple kids, has found what he always envisioned he'd have, with someone he never would have seen himself with.

You just never know dude, and I totally believe that love just hits you, often when you least expect it. Be a cynic to protect yourself, but don't be afraid to believe. What I've found is that most people hwo are cycnical are those that just don't think it's worth expending the effort to work through problems, usually because they've been hurt. Trust me when I say love is worth the effort adn worth the risk.

Like I said though, I am a diehard romatic, so it's easy for me to say. I never really had a chance to become a cynic, because right when I was teetering on the brink I met my wife, and she pulled me back from the edge.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Very true, on both counts! Actually, my husband and I don't fight much at all anymore because we both prefer compromise and see no sense in repeating fights we've already had more than once. If it's still an issue after seven years, it's never going to be resolved, so why waste time being upset about it? But I look at most of the things we've been through and often wonder why just one of those events or issues DIDN'T tear us apart...the only explanation I can come up with is it's true love and compatibility, and we've both known it for a long time.

You know, my wife and I don't fight much anymore either. Part of it is financial stability because heck it seems like all we ever fought over really was money. You bring up a good point though, at some point you have to just agree that if you can't resolve and issue, and it isn't making things worse, it's just one of those facets of your relationship. You're also right that you get to a point where it's just not worth fighting anymore. hell I think we've reached a level of maturity where we just realized we could quit picking fights and just skip that part and go right to the make-up sex.

Once you realize it's true love though, that's when you really start to work at your relationship. Because you know you truly love this person and you'd do anything to make them happy. When both people feel that way and actively try to make the other happy, that's when the real magic happens. I will say this though, all relationships start out this way, but when you are married for a while things do lag a bit because you get comfortable. All that mystical "rekindling of passion" they talk about really is, is just two people trying to impress and make each other happy like they used to. It's just about loving. If you have true love, it's easy to do, and those are the relatiosnhips that succeed in the long run.

 

[boston_bbw]

Do you really think that when you find true love nothing can keep you apart? Do you think everything can be worked thru? What if you are on completely opposite pages as far as religion? Desire for kids? etc.. Stuff neither of you are willing to compromise on? Sorry to ruin such an upbeat thread but I love to play advocate

 

[leopardlover]

Then it aint gonna work if neither will compromise. Simple as that. but as to the other things thatve been said, thanks. Im glad to have heard them. *waves to the other Liters.* post thoughts!

 

[TBKahuna123]

Do you really think that when you find true love nothing can keep you apart? Do you think everything can be worked thru? What if you are on completely opposite pages as far as religion? Desire for kids? etc.. Stuff neither of you are willing to compromise on? Sorry to ruin such an upbeat thread but I love to play advocate

Then I would say it's not the kind of love that I'm referring to. Still, some of these large issues CAN be worked through. Religion is a great example. I wanted a woman who was a christian, because I have always been very religious(I know I just said that on a sex board, so sue me ). So my wife was Catholic, I was Baptist and told her straight up I would never join the Catholic church, an attitude cemented by her family's constant badgering and pushing. We had it all worked out to our satisfaction and she never pushed me. Her family finally gave up and left me alone. Shortly there after I joined the Catholic church of my own free will, no prompting or pushing, I just decided I should look into it because I saw it as a potential problem when we had kids. I found a way to deal with it and worked through it, but not for my wife. We'd already dealt with that and how it affected us.

At times it seemed insurmountable, but we WANTED to work it out, and we did. Almost any problem, no matter how big, can be worked out if you WANT to. SO maybe true love is being willing to work through any obsticles that get in the way of your relationship, but do so together. I know I've never met anyone who has this kind of relationship that doesn't have some issue that has to be worked through. Nothing is easy.

 

[SweetErika]

Do you really think that when you find true love nothing can keep you apart? Do you think everything can be worked thru? What if you are on completely opposite pages as far as religion? Desire for kids? etc.. Stuff neither of you are willing to compromise on? Sorry to ruin such an upbeat thread but I love to play advocate

Those are great questions.

I don't believe 'nothing can tear you apart if it's true love.' I think you're generally more inclined to change, compromise, work it out, find some solution in order to stay together, but there are things that are insurmountable. For example, I know a couple who has found true love, has a wonderful relationship, and has found a lot of solutions. However, one of the spouses is naturally polyamorous and doesn't feel they can be happy with monogamy, and the other spouse didn't feel they could ever be happy if their partner had other loves. Despite their incredible love and relationship, they just couldn't agree on this fundamental lifestyle issue, and seriously considered divorce. In the end, they worked out a plan for a slow transition to polyamory, but if the anti-poly spouse hadn't been willing to try it, I'm sure they would have separated. So, while most things can be worked out, I don't think everything can.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Those are great questions.

I don't believe 'nothing can tear you apart if it's true love.' I think you're generally more inclined to change, compromise, work it out, find some solution in order to stay together, but there are things that are insurmountable. For example, I know a couple who has found true love, has a wonderful relationship, and has found a lot of solutions. However, one of the spouses is naturally polyamorous and doesn't feel they can be happy with monogamy, and the other spouse didn't feel they could ever be happy if their partner had other loves. Despite their incredible love and relationship, they just couldn't agree on this fundamental lifestyle issue, and seriously considered divorce. In the end, they worked out a plan for a slow transition to polyamory, but if the anti-poly spouse hadn't been willing to try it, I'm sure they would have separated. So, while most things can be worked out, I don't think everything can.

You're right though, if you love someone enough you will TRY to compromise. Doesn't mean it's always possible, but that's the key right there.

I think Redd Foxx said it best in Harlem Nights: "He even offered to convert from Methodist to Baptist. That some mean pussy, make a man change Gods!"

 

[leopardlover]

I like how this thread has gone. Now we just need more people to post. Including me, as ive not in a while. I think im falling in love with someone. I know i can deal with all ive seen so far, and enjoy it a lot. think i could deal with her issues too. my worry is that i can be diferent online than irl. Im told im more obnoxious, more hostile and defensive. im slightly worried ill end up (somehow) being different, mebbe way differnt, and she'll want out.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I like how this thread has gone. Now we just need more people to post. Including me, as ive not in a while. I think im falling in love with someone. I know i can deal with all ive seen so far, and enjoy it a lot. think i could deal with her issues too. my worry is that i can be diferent online than irl. Im told im more obnoxious, more hostile and defensive. im slightly worried ill end up (somehow) being different, mebbe way differnt, and she'll want out.

Well dude, it's entirely possible, but no one said love was easy. I can honestly say that making my marriage work is the most difficult thing I have ever done. The cool part, is it's also the most rewarding. It's worth the risks and the struggles.

Don't believe the hype from all the "don't get tied down" crowd. Love rocks!

 

[Miss Trickery]

How do you find love? And realize it before you fuck it up somehow? Before you do that one fateful thing and he/she is gone, and youre lost?

with my ex (when we were together)... I had found love. To me it was true love, unconditional love. I realized it the moment I could seriously see a future for us and that I would do just about anything for her. I'm not sure if it was one fateful thing... or a series... or if she just didn't want to continue because of reasons still unknown to me. But I have my other love, and things are going well... but part of me is still lost.

 

[Undomiel]

Well I'm only with my boyfriend 10 months but I'm pretty damn sure its true love. I liked him the first time I even saw him (actually I liked him before I met him cause he had emailed me a few times ) Love did just find me. I was kinda wishing I had a boyfriend and had crushes on a few random people at the time but I met him and knew he was different.

He's like a part of me. We're so alike yet have enough differences to make it interesting. We're always thinking the same thing and we know each other so well. I could spend ages looking in his eyes. I love the way he's so goofy and silly too. We also take care of each other and what we have is so amazing. Its so hard to describe. I just know I wanna be with him for the rest of my life. At first he didn't wanna be "tied down" and commitment scared him more than me but he's changed his mind now. We're both interested in a similar career too.

 

[pleasteasme]

Well I'm only with my boyfriend 10 months but I'm pretty damn sure its true love. I liked him the first time I even saw him (actually I liked him before I met him cause he had emailed me a few times ) Love did just find me. I was kinda wishing I had a boyfriend and had crushes on a few random people at the time but I met him and knew he was different.

He's like a part of me. We're so alike yet have enough differences to make it interesting. We're always thinking the same thing and we know each other so well. I could spend ages looking in his eyes. I love the way he's so goofy and silly too. We also take care of each other and what we have is so amazing. Its so hard to describe. I just know I wanna be with him for the rest of my life. At first he didn't wanna be "tied down" and commitment scared him more than me but he's changed his mind now. We're both interested in a similar career too.

Congratulations!!! That is awesome. I hope you are blessed with many happy years together

 

[Munachi]

Those are great questions.

I don't believe 'nothing can tear you apart if it's true love.' I think you're generally more inclined to change, compromise, work it out, find some solution in order to stay together, but there are things that are insurmountable. For example, I know a couple who has found true love, has a wonderful relationship, and has found a lot of solutions. However, one of the spouses is naturally polyamorous and doesn't feel they can be happy with monogamy, and the other spouse didn't feel they could ever be happy if their partner had other loves. Despite their incredible love and relationship, they just couldn't agree on this fundamental lifestyle issue, and seriously considered divorce. In the end, they worked out a plan for a slow transition to polyamory, but if the anti-poly spouse hadn't been willing to try it, I'm sure they would have separated. So, while most things can be worked out, I don't think everything can.

I agree... Just thinking about my current situation - well I wouldn't say it is love because I am very careful to use that word and I have only been with him for about three months, but I would definitely see potential there - BUT right now for us to be together one of us would have to move to the country of the other one, and as things are right now in our life it would mean giving up everything we worked on, everything we dreamed of. And thus I think saying that right now we won't do that doesn't mean that we don't very much care for each other maybe even love each other. But it just looks like it can't work atm. Of course we will still try at a later time - but then I also don't believe love is only true when it is forever, and due to experiences I had before I guess I am realistic enough to know that there is quite a high chance that not seeing each other for a long time is likely to mean that at some time the feelings I have right now will stop. So I guess even when you have found love the situation you are in might still keep you from actually being with that person.

 

[midwestyankee]

One of the best threads in How To is Defining Love, started by Cathleen. I think anyone who is wondering if he or she is falling in love would do well to start by reading that thread. And then perhaps a post there would be appropriate as well.

For myself, recognizing that I wanted to learn how to love her was the insight that told me I was on my way into the finest love of my life.

 

[Pyro Paul]

Finding love is easy.

but you have to define your levels of love and your willingness to feel pain. for love is pain after all.

anything that makes your mind feel the same way your heart does, that is when your in love.