Friendship with benefits

[ScottyS]

Anyone ever have issues with a friendship "with benefits" because of a sensitive, touchy disposition on the part of both partners?

It's ironic because at first, I felt somewhat claustrophobic when our relationship kicked off. When I tried to turn down the heat, as it were, she got really upset and thought I was trying to break it off all together. We seemed to have gotten over that and had a lot of really great sex, sometimes intimate but mostly just fun.

Recently, though, I found myself getting jealous and paranoid because she simply didn't text me this weekend as much as she usually does. When I found out she wasn't tired or down but was actually texting a mutual friend for the better part of an hour, I was hurt. Jealous? Definitely. It's something about myself I didn't really expect. When I confronted her about it she really didn't know what I was talking about and the whole thing ended in a kind of passive-aggressive stalemate.

Perhaps it's impossible for something like this not to get complicated. I don't feel it's right to ask her to make any kind of commitment or make me feel like I'm the only one for her, especially because all I've had to offer so far is sex and friendship. At the same time, she just recently got out of her marriage and I feel like I need to know that I'm not just some kind of distraction or amusement before she goes back to her husband or in between her husband and her next serious relationship.

Can anyone relate?

 

[fgarvb1]

It takes two special people for a lasting relationship like that.

As you found out not everyone can do it.

I am one of those who can. I have several times before.

I don't know maybe I'm defective.

Sexual relationships are not designed to be frivolous, therefore that kind are tough to maintain for the average loving, caring person.

You want more.

Be glad.

 

[Adrraiya]

Anyone ever have issues with a friendship "with benefits" because of a sensitive, touchy disposition on the part of both partners?

It's ironic because at first, I felt somewhat claustrophobic when our relationship kicked off. When I tried to turn down the heat, as it were, she got really upset and thought I was trying to break it off all together. We seemed to have gotten over that and had a lot of really great sex, sometimes intimate but mostly just fun.

Recently, though, I found myself getting jealous and paranoid because she simply didn't text me this weekend as much as she usually does. When I found out she wasn't tired or down but was actually texting a mutual friend for the better part of an hour, I was hurt. Jealous? Definitely. It's something about myself I didn't really expect. When I confronted her about it she really didn't know what I was talking about and the whole thing ended in a kind of passive-aggressive stalemate.

Perhaps it's impossible for something like this not to get complicated. I don't feel it's right to ask her to make any kind of commitment or make me feel like I'm the only one for her, especially because all I've had to offer so far is sex and friendship. At the same time, she just recently got out of her marriage and I feel like I need to know that I'm not just some kind of distraction or amusement before she goes back to her husband or in between her husband and her next serious relationship.

Can anyone relate?

I am gonna speculate... based on the what you said.... that you have more feelings for this girl than appears on the surface... perhaps you haven't even admitted them to yourself & you find yourself trying to sort things out now.

And.... I truthfully, if you are looking to be more than a "distraction" between the relationship with her husband & whatever her next relationship is (back to hubby or new man in her life) then you have diluted the effectiveness of being FWB by complicating it with emotions.

The only FWB relationships that I have had have been successful because (1) wide-open communication... referred to as "head & heart check"... (2) an understanding that FWB is essentially about distraction & sexual satisfaction (3) the friendship is solid beforehand and the decision to get physically involved isn't based on emotional need for either party... there can be love, but there is no room for in-love and if someone feels in-love then they must agree to communicate

I agree with the other poster... it takes 2 special people....
and it takes a commitment to the Friendship as it's own entity with importance above & beyond the Benefits.... it takes a willingness to walk away from the benefits to keep the friendship if the friendship becomes at risk due to any unforseen complication of getting physical

It simply boils down to this... can you leave your emotions out of the bedroom.... and, is this person someone who you see as a friend but only as a friend... are you going into benefits with a secret hope that there is more to it?

For you..... you even mention that all you can offer her right now is friendship & sex..... and you are jealous & you need re-assurance that you are more than distraction... I gotta say, it sounds like you are in this with a tremendous amount of emotion... and I think you should consider backing off a bit... give some breathing room to both you & her... and figure out what you are really feeling.....

Historically speaking... I don't FWB with recent break-ups unless I am in those shoes myself... to much emotional risk if the fresh-break-up feeling is one-sided

I hope this is helpful to you

 

[wicked woman]

I was going to write a different post but I see Adrraiya basically said everything that I wanted to (excluding her last paragraph).

Sounds like you've passed the line of FWB and probably not realized it due to lack of the head/heart check (which I've found vital) and communicating how you feel. For me the friend part of FWB is always the most important.

Sounds like you need to be honest with yourself and then talk to her.Then see if you're still on the same wave length or if you need to make an adjustment.

 

[ScottyS]

Hi, everyone. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Yes, naturally I've been reflecting on this over the course of the past few days. I'm still at an impasse; I'm reluctant to risk what we have now if she is satisfied with it, since we have a nice friendship and a lot of fun in bed, yet I'm concerned with my level of jealousy at even the notion that she might be hiding things from me. I also feel she should know how much I appreciate her in my life, both as a friend and a lover.

I've decided to wait it out a few days, since she is spending most nights this week dog sitting for her ex. We've been sending steamy texts back and forth (encouraging for the sexual side of the relationship but of no comfort to my sensitive tendencies). I tend to think the negative vibes I've been sensing from her lately are tied to these trips to her ex's house. I'll wait until we've hung out a few times after she's done dog sitting to see if the old comfort level comes back, and if it does not I believe it will be time to have a serious talk (after a head-heart check on my part, of course).

Thanks for the wise advice, everyone.

 

[infinity706]

Well, if you think you can handle it, you could do what I do. I actually discuss outside action with my special friends as much as they're comfortable with.

 

[Explorer_76]

I am gonna speculate... based on the what you said.... that you have more feelings for this girl than appears on the surface... perhaps you haven't even admitted them to yourself & you find yourself trying to sort things out now.

And.... I truthfully, if you are looking to be more than a "distraction" between the relationship with her husband & whatever her next relationship is (back to hubby or new man in her life) then you have diluted the effectiveness of being FWB by complicating it with emotions.

The only FWB relationships that I have had have been successful because (1) wide-open communication... referred to as "head & heart check"... (2) an understanding that FWB is essentially about distraction & sexual satisfaction (3) the friendship is solid beforehand and the decision to get physically involved isn't based on emotional need for either party... there can be love, but there is no room for in-love and if someone feels in-love then they must agree to communicate

I agree with the other poster... it takes 2 special people....
and it takes a commitment to the Friendship as it's own entity with importance above & beyond the Benefits.... it takes a willingness to walk away from the benefits to keep the friendship if the friendship becomes at risk due to any unforseen complication of getting physical

It simply boils down to this... can you leave your emotions out of the bedroom.... and, is this person someone who you see as a friend but only as a friend... are you going into benefits with a secret hope that there is more to it?

For you..... you even mention that all you can offer her right now is friendship & sex..... and you are jealous & you need re-assurance that you are more than distraction... I gotta say, it sounds like you are in this with a tremendous amount of emotion... and I think you should consider backing off a bit... give some breathing room to both you & her... and figure out what you are really feeling.....

Historically speaking... I don't FWB with recent break-ups unless I am in those shoes myself... to much emotional risk if the fresh-break-up feeling is one-sided

I hope this is helpful to you

+1 It isn't for everyone and you need to be fine with the limitations that FWB imposes on the both of you. Good luck.

 

[little_kid]

don't be so possessive

tell her on face you love her and want a long term relationship or may be marriage in future.

I found myself getting jealous and paranoid because she simply didn't text me this weekend as much as she usually does. When I found out she wasn't tired or down but was actually texting a mutual friend for the better part of an hour, I was hurt. Jealous? Definitely.

when you want her only to fuck you and send SMS to no-one but yourself?
You're acting like a husband without taking the responsibilities of a husband!

 

[Experiencedguy]

Look - you are only 23!! FWB can only come a certain level of maturity and I think (excuse me for my thoughts) that you are much too young to understand what FWB really means.

You do have emotional feelings for this girl, and if you are truely FWB, you do want that. But, your feelings are more of jealousy, and that takes you totally out of the realm of FWB.

I do think that she sees you as a FWB only. So what are you really going to do?

I think you should take her out for a nice, long, private dinner. Have it all out. Be prepared to lose her forever though.

Or - maybe, you will gain her forever. But I doubt that. She is still trying to get over the last one.

That is why you are there. And, yes. She will dump you when Mr Right comes along.

Sorry

 

[infinity706]

Hey now, age has nothing to do with it. I knew by the time I was 18 that what I really wanted was an open relationship. I've been up front with every potential partner about it and enjoyed every minute of it. I wouldn't say you'll get dumped for Mr Right, though. Not once have I ever been dumped for another man or woman or through any fault of mine own. I have had quite a few partners that cheated their asses off with me, though. We even discussed the men and women they went out with, often in graphic detail. I would have preferred if they'd been upfront with other people more often, but ultimately, I let them take care of their other relationships as they saw fit. Of course, I've never personally cheated on anyone, myself despite what some rather conservative people would say.

 

[satindesire]

Hey now, age has nothing to do with it. I knew by the time I was 18 that what I really wanted was an open relationship. I've been up front with every potential partner about it and enjoyed every minute of it. I wouldn't say you'll get dumped for Mr Right, though. Not once have I ever been dumped for another man or woman or through any fault of mine own. I have had quite a few partners that cheated their asses off with me, though. We even discussed the men and women they went out with, often in graphic detail. I would have preferred if they'd been upfront with other people more often, but ultimately, I let them take care of their other relationships as they saw fit. Of course, I've never personally cheated on anyone, myself despite what some rather conservative people would say.

Age actually has a lot to do with it, Fin. Many people your age can't handle the emotional discipline it takes to maintain a truly no-strings sexual relationship. Young people most of the time simply do not have the emotional maturity that it takes. You are obviously different, but your experiences are not necessarily everyone's.

 

[infinity706]

To be honest, I've had to win 50 and 60 year olds over to it just as much, so I think it's more of a mindset and acceptance than age. Most people your grandparents' age still don't have the emotional maturity to handle it. I don't claim to be representative of anyone by myself, but I've had partners all up and down the age scale, of both men and women as well as most races and classes. I can safely say that the majority of people in general will never reach that level unless they pursue it seriously.

Oh, and what do you mean my age? You're very close to my age, as well, and claim the maturity to be polycapable, as well.

 

[satindesire]

Oh, and what do you mean my age? You're very close to my age, as well, and claim the maturity to be polycapable, as well.

Polycapable yes. Capable of sex without feelings? No. Poly doesn't mean fucking anyone, poly means loving relationships.

 

[ScottyS]

The jealousy is something internal. I don't take it out on her. If she doesn't initiate texting, I might text her two or three times a day. "Hi. How's it going?" would be a typical example. So possessive, I know.

Perhaps I should have mentioned that the person in question is about thirty seven. Yeah. Worlds of complication. But do FWB's hold each other for hours? Do FWB's make out in crowded public places, forgetting where they are? We may be FWB's but I think my sadness over this is pretty typical of all ages.

At the moment I admit I feel really down about it...I suppose that when a FWB cools down it's comparable to a breakup in how it makes you feel. The sting is that I don't know why things have changed, only that they have in some subtle way.

 

[Adrraiya]

Here is scripted typical going back to friends without the benefits... and NO it isn't like a break-up

He or She is interchangeable.....

She says: I need to talk with you

He says: Okay, about what?

She says: I have met someone that I think I might really like.... I think it is best that you & I stop having sex so I can see how this relationship with this guy is going to work out

He says: Well, this isn't easy... but we knew it was coming, we talked about it happening, I am happy that you might have found someone right for you.

She says: Yeah, but I will miss our play-time

He says: Me too! and if it doesn't work out, let me know & we see what is going on in my life.

She says: Thank goodness, I know we worked all this out ahead of time, but I wasn't sure it would really be alright

He says: No worries... want some pizza?

and maybe they take a cool-off break from seeing each other... but they are still friends & are able to hang on the friendship because of excellent up-front understandings with each other.


----- and yes, a really good FWB relationship actually does wind back down this way... I can say with certainty because I have lived it!!! The reason it works out so well is because of ESTABLISHED GUIDLINES AHEAD OF TIME


In your case..... you broke the FWB rules... spoken or not....

and, if you value this friendship, you will have this conversation:

You say: We need to talk
She say: What about

You say: I didn't realize this when we started fooling around together, but I am feeling things like jealousy & I know there is no place for jealousy in this relationship.... you are such an important friend to me that I want to do everything I can to keep our friendship & this includes no longer having sex with you....

She says: (whatever she says)

and you maintain your position that the friendship is more important than the benefits


Otherwise... you admit to her that you have feelings you didn't expect such as jealousy & you wonder if she ever considered getting into a "real relationship" with you...

of course, that would mean you would have to be both willing & able to offer her a "Real Relationship"

and if you aren't willing & able... then you need to End The Benefits.........

because you are only bringing emotion that doesn't belong there.... as well as using her!!!

So... step up to the plate.. one way or the other

sorry if I pissed ya off... but I think you will see that this is true!!

It is highly possible that you (and maybe both of you) are not able to have FWB... because you are emotionally involved

A

The jealousy is something internal. I don't take it out on her. If she doesn't initiate texting, I might text her two or three times a day. "Hi. How's it going?" would be a typical example. So possessive, I know.

Perhaps I should have mentioned that the person in question is about thirty seven. Yeah. Worlds of complication. But do FWB's hold each other for hours? Do FWB's make out in crowded public places, forgetting where they are? We may be FWB's but I think my sadness over this is pretty typical of all ages.

At the moment I admit I feel really down about it...I suppose that when a FWB cools down it's comparable to a breakup in how it makes you feel. The sting is that I don't know why things have changed, only that they have in some subtle way.

 

[ScottyS]

Maybe FWB would be an inaccurate way to describe this relationship. Nonetheless it is the term she prefers to use. But I'm starting to see that this was never meant to be FWB.

It looks like I'll have to talk to her about this very soon, since the old comfort is not reasserting itself.

 

[infinity706]

Polycapable yes. Capable of sex without feelings? No. Poly doesn't mean fucking anyone, poly means loving relationships.

I know what polyamorous is. I guess what you mean is I'm both polyamorous and polysexual. Of course, I do quite enjoy the romance and friendship parts, too. I can certainly enjoy any one part, seperately from the others, though.

The jealousy is something internal. I don't take it out on her. If she doesn't initiate texting, I might text her two or three times a day. "Hi. How's it going?" would be a typical example. So possessive, I know.

Perhaps I should have mentioned that the person in question is about thirty seven. Yeah. Worlds of complication. But do FWB's hold each other for hours? Do FWB's make out in crowded public places, forgetting where they are? We may be FWB's but I think my sadness over this is pretty typical of all ages.

At the moment I admit I feel really down about it...I suppose that when a FWB cools down it's comparable to a breakup in how it makes you feel. The sting is that I don't know why things have changed, only that they have in some subtle way.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can hold my special friends for hours or make out in crowded, public places. Hell I wouldn't mind fucking them in crowded, public places, such as in a sex club or any other acceptable location.

 

[subgirl2]

I've done the FWB for many years and I just grew out of it. Unfortunately he didn't. The reality is that he just doesn't think enough of me for a proper relationship and so I have to move on to someone who does want me as much as I want them or I put up with it.

If she sticks with wanting FWB and he doesn't, she could find herself being dumped because he could move on. It's a horrible situation when one person changes the rules, through no fault of their own. You said the jealousy is internal at the moment, but you need to be careful because if the situation is not resolved, it may manifest externally and you could lose your friend.

Let us know how you get on.

 

[Red_and_Mackie]

Sexual relationships are not designed to be frivolous, therefore that kind are tough to maintain for the average loving, caring person.

You want more.

Be glad.

Be very glad.

I did FWB for years. No attachments. No serious relationships. No problem. I had it all handled until a FWB decided to be exclusive with some other guy. She told me and I instantly found out what jealousy really was.

You said you feel like you need to know you are more than a distraction or amusement. That says you're ready for more IF she is on the same page.

The only way to know is to have the conversation. But you have to lay it ALL out on the line. Hold nothing back. Right now she thinks you are a FWB and nothing more so you have to convince her you're thoughts have changed.

Yes, you might lose her as a FWB. But you might be surprised.

My opinion: It's worth the risk, man. GO FOR IT.

 

[ScottyS]

Thanks again to everyone for their informed input.

Where to begin? We ended it on Sunday. At the moment I'm heartbroken. The worst part is that I have no idea why it ended. Maybe she went back to her husband. Maybe someone else came along. Maybe she was telling the truth, that she's really stressed out and doesn't have room for me in her life. Possible, but unlikely, seeing as how she's been under stress for as long as I've known her and wanted to get together at every opportunity. Maybe I'll never know.

She did acknowledge that it was more than just physical, but I couldn't elicit anything more than that, which was painful after I did indeed put it all on the line and tell her how I felt. Perhaps it's for the better, since I feel like a discarded toy.

I appreciate everyone's advice. Those of you who do well with FWB and can make it last, more power to you, but my predisposition is more inclined towards that of Subgirl. For me, it's not a wise thing to do. I'm more of a commitment person, I've realized, and casual sex is nice but not that important to me. I like exploring my sexuality through writing, the arts, etc., but now that I know myself a bit better, I will be very, very careful before entering into any FWB relationship, if at all. This particular chapter of my life has a sad ending, I'm afraid, as many great stories end.

 

[Adrraiya]

Scotty.... I am glad the two of you addressed all of this. I am sad for that this is the way it all turned out... it looks like it was headed for an end anyway (based on her out). Bless Your Heart.

These type of things..... are live-n-learn....

Even though FWB has worked out well for me.... there are some people that aren't "made" for it.

It is certainly understandable that you are made for emotionally involved sexual relationships & I wish you well on your life journey.

Take Care,

A

Thanks again to everyone for their informed input.

Where to begin? We ended it on Sunday. At the moment I'm heartbroken. The worst part is that I have no idea why it ended. Maybe she went back to her husband. Maybe someone else came along. Maybe she was telling the truth, that she's really stressed out and doesn't have room for me in her life. Possible, but unlikely, seeing as how she's been under stress for as long as I've known her and wanted to get together at every opportunity. Maybe I'll never know.

She did acknowledge that it was more than just physical, but I couldn't elicit anything more than that, which was painful after I did indeed put it all on the line and tell her how I felt. Perhaps it's for the better, since I feel like a discarded toy.

I appreciate everyone's advice. Those of you who do well with FWB and can make it last, more power to you, but my predisposition is more inclined towards that of Subgirl. For me, it's not a wise thing to do. I'm more of a commitment person, I've realized, and casual sex is nice but not that important to me. I like exploring my sexuality through writing, the arts, etc., but now that I know myself a bit better, I will be very, very careful before entering into any FWB relationship, if at all. This particular chapter of my life has a sad ending, I'm afraid, as many great stories end.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

wise

That is an impressive review Scotty and a tip of my hat to you for your thinking and concluding. My very myopic view tells me that a pretty high number of FWB connections, or whatever you want to call them, end with something way less than satisfaction on the part of one or the other, if not both.

 

[ScottyS]

True enough. One unfailing comfort has been the almost universally similar experience that others have had. I can't thank those of you who have offered advice enough. I raise my Mike's Hard to you in gratitude. Here's to being creatively sad.

Scotty

 

[littlebabyclit]

The sting is that I don't know why things have changed, only that they have in some subtle way.

I can sympathize. I hate when that happens, in any kind of relationship.

And I'm sorry for you that things got complicated in your friendship with her.

 

[NomadLady]

Anyone ever have issues with a friendship "with benefits" because of a sensitive, touchy disposition on the part of both partners?

It's ironic because at first, I felt somewhat claustrophobic when our relationship kicked off. When I tried to turn down the heat, as it were, she got really upset and thought I was trying to break it off all together. We seemed to have gotten over that and had a lot of really great sex, sometimes intimate but mostly just fun.

Recently, though, I found myself getting jealous and paranoid because she simply didn't text me this weekend as much as she usually does. When I found out she wasn't tired or down but was actually texting a mutual friend for the better part of an hour, I was hurt. Jealous? Definitely. It's something about myself I didn't really expect. When I confronted her about it she really didn't know what I was talking about and the whole thing ended in a kind of passive-aggressive stalemate.

Perhaps it's impossible for something like this not to get complicated. I don't feel it's right to ask her to make any kind of commitment or make me feel like I'm the only one for her, especially because all I've had to offer so far is sex and friendship. At the same time, she just recently got out of her marriage and I feel like I need to know that I'm not just some kind of distraction or amusement before she goes back to her husband or in between her husband and her next serious relationship.

Can anyone relate?

These relationships can be diffucult at best. I've had and still have FWB's and to be honest, the best ones I've had so far are with married men. I'm sure I just haven't found the "right" single one yet because they all seem to be workaholics then wonder why they don't have a sex life? DUH!!!

Anyway, sorry for the complications but if you are asking yourself what you mean to her in that way, that sounds like more than a simple friendship.