funny sayings

[bone251]

Her pants were so tight if she'd a farted it'd blow her boots off.

 

[bone251]

The finest woman that ever walked the streets

 

[JrByrdmann]

Well, that certainly is a special kind of stupid.

Time wounds all heels

If file hands you melons, you might be dyslexic.

The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.

Life is what happens while we are making other plans.

Walk to the beat of your own tuba.

 

[bone251]

Cutting down a tree may leave you stumped.

 

[ThatsTheGuy]

They've got me right where I want them.

 

[My I]

Never try to teach a pig to sing. Wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Sex will ALWAYS cost you more than you can afford.

Fish don’t like jello.

Throwing up on someone you dislike sounds like a good idea at first but loses its luster in hindsight.

The average cow defecates more than the average duck.

A goat with three legs is a rare sight indeed.

A croissant may taste better than a caraway biscuit but it isn’t any smarter.

Never goose a bull, no matter how much fun it looks.

Always resist the urge to slap your wife when she comments on your shoes.

Dung beetles never had a choice in the matter.

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can make him float on his back, then you’ve got something.

A bathtub full of otters is damned fine entertainment for the money.

 

[My I]

I've been collecting Australian phrases I particularly like; possibly not funny but pithy:

* How's your bum for grubs? (I think it means, how are you?)

Means, "are you hungry?"

 

[My I]

He's dumber than a bag of hair.

He's surfing in Nebraska.

Slinky's kinked.

"I would never call you stupid. You obviously have an intellect that surely rivals the worlds FINEST garden tools."

If ignorance is bliss he must be happy as hell.

If pigs could fly he'd be a 747.

He's an ass half. Takes two of him to be an ass whole.

 

[JerseyGirlDownUnder]

May I suggest you follow Ozzy Man on Facebook he is full of these lines and much much more

https://www.facebook.com/viralmotion/videos/1719411174854989/

Means, "are you hungry?"

Thanks all! Learning every day, including this spiffy multi-quote thing. Gosh, I keep this up, I could submit something to the Geek Anthology next year.

 

[BindnCufTite]

He's as sharp as a beachball.
He couldn't score in a brothel with a fistfull of money.

 

[NotWise]

One I heard in the hardware store yesterday:

She opened up like a three-dollar suitcase.

 

[bone251]

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

 

[BindnCufTite]

The more I practise the luckier I get

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

Her leather pants weren't that tight when they were still on the cow (about a beautiful woman I know in Montreal, who wore the pants well)

Smart as a bag of hammers.

About the new, cheap paper towels in the men's room at work: About as absorbant as a plastic grocery bag.

He couldn't organize a pissup in a brewery if you spotted him six glasses and an opener.

Sharp as a pound wet liver (Foghorn Leghorn).

 

[Weird Harold]

Sharp as a pound wet liver (Foghorn Leghorn).

"These are the jokes, son! I keep chuckin' them out there, and you keep duckin' 'em!" -- Also Foghorn Leghorn

 

[twister947]

Fine as frog hair...

Slick as greased goose shit...

Is a frog's ass watertight?

He looks like he was shit at and hit, then pissed at and missed.

 

[Hypoxia]

"I feel like I bin et by a ky-ote and shit off a cliff."

 

[R. Richard]

He's as sharp as a ball of wet leather.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

He's just like rat turds, sharp at both ends.

Do you know why rat shit is tapered at the end? So his little asshole don't slam shut.

 

[yukonnights]

Never try to teach a pig to sing. Wastes your time and annoys the pig.

I hadn't heard that one, but here's another along that line; Don't wrestle with pigs...they like it and you just get dirty ( a little more graphic version..they like it and you just get rolled in pig shit.)

Here's an old southern saying to express surprise at hearing some juicy gossip or news; Well I'll be dog whipped!

I'd rather kiss a prickly pear than kiss those lips. (a prickly pear is a cactus common in the southwest, etc.)

That fool is all hat and no cows. (comment about a drugstore cowboy, etc)

 

[bone251]

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

[Oblimo]

Dumb as a sack of hammers (traditional)
She didn’t have the sense God gave a lemon (Driving Miss Daisy).
She went to shit and the hogs ate her! (Traditional, also, Mel’s Diner)
Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack (Rule of Acquisition 109)
Well scratch your ass and get glad! (traditional)
Well slap my ass and call me Susan! (traditional, many varieties)
Backpfeifengesicht (German, most common translation, “a face badly in need of a fist.”)

 

[Oblimo]

That fool is all hat and no cows. (comment about a drugstore cowboy, etc)

I’ve always heard it as, “All hat and no cattle.”

On a related note, the phrase, “Bless your heart,” is Texan for, “Go fuck yourself.”

 

[Handley_Page]

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood." I said, "Where is he?"

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

 

[Oblimo]

“It took me just 3 months to finish this here jigsaw puzzle. Damn right, I’m proud! The box says four to six years!”