Get my wife to relax so we can have sex

[KatNW1]

You have a point, in fact, I was thinking the very same thing as I was writing the post. However, I believe the anonymity of a forum like this actually makes it the perfect place for just such a discussion.

Here is a man who is hurting and concerned. He can't very well go to his friends or parents with such an intimate problem. He is looking for advice, he needs help, where better to go.

I believe, if she is a reasonable person, she should be able to admit there is a problem and acknowledge her husbands concerns as well as the concerns SHE must also be having. She should be able to accept this for what it is...

A request from a man who loves his wife and is looking for ways to make their life better while still keeping their anonymity.

And I completely agree with you - I do think this is a great place to go for that sort of advice; I just don't know what she'd think of it.

 

[KatNW1]

My God. Is this for real? How old are the two of you? Why on Earth did you get married? It sounds like you didn't have sex before being married, didn't have sex on your wedding night, and what in the world makes you think you are going to have sex now? This relationship was doomed before it even started and sorry, but has no hope now. Talking and communicating is for high school and college graduates while your relationship is at the preschool level. You have to learn your ABC's first before you can communicate. You should have never married this woman and I do also have to point out that any guy who expects his wife to have sex with him 2-3 times per week and "wont care if there are certain days she is not in the mood" doesn't deserve to have a woman anyway.

OUCH!

People are the sum total of their experiences. Perhaps this woman was raped or she was molested or had some other sexually connected horror occur in her life.

And believe me, I've met many adults who are wonderful people and are emotionally mature, but have all the communication skills of my sister's ferret. Some people have a gift and some don't. I don't believe a post such as this is exemplary of fully developed communication skills, either. There are ways of imparting information and then there are ways which should clearly be avoided.

 

[erigeron]

.....

 

[WaitWhatt]

Ever watch Strange Sex? It's some show that comes on at night..forgot what channel. Shows women who are having "sex problems' that are ruining their marriages because they won't have sex. Maybe it's something like that she isn't telling you.

Other than that idea.. I don't get why women do that. Lucky enough to find the perfect guy who loves her and marries her.. and can't even tell him why she can't have sex with him. If you can't talk to your husband..who can you talk to?

 

[WaitWhatt]

OUCH!

People are the sum total of their experiences. Perhaps this woman was raped or she was molested or had some other sexually connected horror occur in her life.

True. But really..do they actually go through with getting married knowing the sex issue is going to come up?

 

[subwannabe]

As I said before, I am a big believer in communication and I have posted advice here about communicating numerous times before but I'm also a realist. Let's face the truth, communication is overrated and there are many times where it doesn't work at all or only works for a short time, which doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't give it a try. My main point in my post was that this person is at a juncture in his life where he should have never been in the first place. You should get to know someone well enough first before getting married and part of that includes a sexual relationship. Even without sex during dating this guy should have had more than just a clue that this is where he was going to wind up and now he's complaining or asking advice on it. To me it is a black and white issue. He should have gotten to know her well enough before marrying her to find out if she had any serious issues or baggage and accepted her for who she was or never married her at all and not had to ask for advice or complain about his predicament after the fact. He really should have never married her in the first place but I did also point out that he seems a little selfish in expecting her to just give him sex 2-3 times a week, whether she was in the mood or not. He would have been better off staying single and buying a blow up doll if he was just wanting someone to lie there and let him do it. Personally, I would rather have an ugly fat girl who wanted to have sex and would be a very active participant. I wish him the best of luck but the bottom line is he should have never gotten himself into this predicament in the first place.

 

[Loverskitten]

My God. Is this for real? How old are the two of you? Why on Earth did you get married? It sounds like you didn't have sex before being married, didn't have sex on your wedding night, and what in the world makes you think you are going to have sex now? This relationship was doomed before it even started and sorry, but has no hope now. Talking and communicating is for high school and college graduates while your relationship is at the preschool level. You have to learn your ABC's first before you can communicate. You should have never married this woman and I do also have to point out that any guy who expects his wife to have sex with him 2-3 times per week and "wont care if there are certain days she is not in the mood" doesn't deserve to have a woman anyway.

TOTALLY WITH YOU! Even without your explanation, you nailed it.
I'm guessing this couple is young and has no business being married. Even if she has past issues with sex, he should know this before they got married (SHE should have told him)
I think sex is a HUGE part of a relationship and usually the first thing to go in a troubled marriage.
The best couples I know can't keep their hands off eachother after 20 and even 30 years of marriage! Now that's what I want in a marriage!
"if you don't, someone else will"

 

[abby4u2]

I am newly married and always knew my new wife was pretty shy and it takes her some time to warm up to things. However now trying to get her to have sex is becoming frustrating. She is the type of person that always says no to start, even when she wants to. You can see how this may lead to issues as sometimes I do not know if she really wants to, or really doesnt. We did not have sex on our wedding night but did fool around a little in the morning. We had sex for the first time towards the end of our honeymoon and nothing since we came back. Apparently the other night she wanted to fool around but not have sex, but I completely misread her signals so nothing happened. I try to do alot around the house, even making the bedroom nice with some little candles, ect. Just looking for ideas. I know I am a way more sexual person than she is. However I can not convince her that if we do it maybe 2-3 times a week or whatever, I wont care if there are certain days she is not in the mood. She just does not believe me, but is not willing to have sex a few times a week to see what happens. Also, I think secretly she is scared of getting pregnant yet even though she is on the pill and we use condoms.

Thoughts?

"The Doctors" website has some great ideas! Here is a link and an excerpt:

http://www.thedoctorstv.com/main/show_synopsis/828?section=synopsis#challenge

The Doctors’ 30-Day Sex Challenge
Want to have the best sex of your life? Take The Doctors’ 30-Day Sex Challenge!
Must-Know Positions

• Get six tips for better sex tonight!
E.R. physician Dr. Travis Stork explains the science behind sex.

Week One
The goal of week one is to enjoy each other without expectation, and that means no sex! During the first week of The Doctors’ 30-Day Sex Challenge, you must refrain from all sexual contact. The only body parts that are allowed to touch for the first week are hands and feet.

“Separate in that bed and touch toes,” Dr. Walsh says. “During the day, hold hands. There will be no backrubs, no neck rubs, no genital contact.”

“[These steps] will help build up anticipation and intimacy,” OB/GYN Dr. Lisa Masterson says. “It helps you build up that craving.”

Hope this helps!

 

[griffingirl]

step back a little

Good things come to those who wait.
Sex is just part of the relationship. She has to discover her own sexuality in her own time.

No good comes from forcing open unripe fruit.

Funny as it might sound I would say forget about the sex (take the focus off of it that is)

Find out what she likes outside the bedroom. As you become closer perhaps she will surprise you.

Wish you both the best.

 

[pa32]

Yeah, good luck with that. I've been waiting 25 years for my wife to discover her own sexuality. Seven encounters in the last 12 months, and not one of them lasted over 5 minutes before she was done with it. If there are no kids, get out now while you can.

Good things come to those who wait.
Sex is just part of the relationship. She has to discover her own sexuality in her own time.

No good comes from forcing open unripe fruit.

Funny as it might sound I would say forget about the sex (take the focus off of it that is)

Find out what she likes outside the bedroom. As you become closer perhaps she will surprise you.

Wish you both the best.

 

[Elaya]

I"m just curious as to what became of all this?

 

[ThinkerLover]

In such situations I have found this question to be best.

"What do you enjoy most, sexually?"

They always go: "I don't know! Everything!" or start rambling things they DON'T like. then you counter with...

"What I liked most from lasat time is when you..." Compliment her on something hot she did. The dirtier the better. That will open her to saying what she likes.

 

[olly17]

I am newly married and always knew my new wife was pretty shy and it takes her some time to warm up to things. However now trying to get her to have sex is becoming frustrating. She is the type of person that always says no to start, even when she wants to. You can see how this may lead to issues as sometimes I do not know if she really wants to, or really doesnt. We did not have sex on our wedding night but did fool around a little in the morning. We had sex for the first time towards the end of our honeymoon and nothing since we came back. Apparently the other night she wanted to fool around but not have sex, but I completely misread her signals so nothing happened. I try to do alot around the house, even making the bedroom nice with some little candles, ect. Just looking for ideas. I know I am a way more sexual person than she is. However I can not convince her that if we do it maybe 2-3 times a week or whatever, I wont care if there are certain days she is not in the mood. She just does not believe me, but is not willing to have sex a few times a week to see what happens. Also, I think secretly she is scared of getting pregnant yet even though she is on the pill and we use condoms.


Thoughts?

Be patient with her. If she feels pressured, it will take a lot longer to get her to open up. Let her know that you still find her attractive and that you love her, but back off just a bit. Wine is also a good idea, but again try not to seduce her when she is drinking...let her open up to you, it can't be forced.

 

[Lord Pmann]

This comment will likely get me flamed and have a lot of people wagging their fingers at me, but I think this thread would be completely different if a girl came here posting about how her husband wasn't having sex with her. People would say she's neglected and the husband is an asshole. It sounds like maybe they got married too young, but come on. When you get married, there is an implied and reasonable expectation that you are going to have sex on at least a semi-regular basis.

And I'm not saying they don't need to talk this stuff over. They do. Maybe she has something in her past. Who knows? But I truly feel for this guy. I mean, this sounds like a desparate situation. And I don't think this guy is just being a selfish ass. He seems like he's doing what he can to accommodate her.

As I said, if the genders were reversed there is not a snowball's chance in hell that these responses would look similar.

 

[smuggy_x]

This comment will likely get me flamed and have a lot of people wagging their fingers at me, but I think this thread would be completely different if a girl came here posting about how her husband wasn't having sex with her. People would say she's neglected and the husband is an asshole. It sounds like maybe they got married too young, but come on. When you get married, there is an implied and reasonable expectation that you are going to have sex on at least a semi-regular basis.

And I'm not saying they don't need to talk this stuff over. They do. Maybe she has something in her past. Who knows? But I truly feel for this guy. I mean, this sounds like a desparate situation. And I don't think this guy is just being a selfish ass. He seems like he's doing what he can to accommodate her.

As I said, if the genders were reversed there is not a snowball's chance in hell that these responses would look similar.

Wouldn't that be a rare occassion if the genders were reversed? lol

I'm guessing there is more to her reasoning of why she doesn't want to have sex, maybe she is uncomfortable with nudity, intimacy, or sex itself. Maybe it hurts her but she's too afraid to say something, so instead she just avoids the whole situation. Either way, communication does seem to be the general problem.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Wouldn't that be a rare occassion if the genders were reversed? lol

You'd be surprised how many sexless marriages there are out there...

 

[smuggy_x]

You'd be surprised how many sexless marriages there are out there...

I suppose you're right, I've never been married.

 

[bob53]

One thing that I have noticed that has NOT been mentioned yet is she may well have a condition where PIV sex is painful.
I can't recall the name for the condition at the moment but it is rather common and there are treatments for it IF she is willing to pursue it with her Doctor.
Yes is is more than just lube. She could be drenching me but it would still be painful to enter.

It was even painful for her to have a finger inserted and I have small hands.!
She did however enjoy external stimulation so long as nothing actually started to enter her.

Of course most of this was not reviled until a couple years AFTER the divorce and we became FB's for a while.

 

[smuggy_x]

One thing that I have noticed that has NOT been mentioned yet is she may well have a condition where PIV sex is painful.
I can't recall the name for the condition at the moment but it is rather common and there are treatments for it IF she is willing to pursue it with her Doctor.
Yes is is more than just lube. She could be drenching me but it would still be painful to enter.

It was even painful for her to have a finger inserted and I have small hands.!
She did however enjoy external stimulation so long as nothing actually started to enter her.

Of course most of this was not reviled until a couple years AFTER the divorce and we became FB's for a while.

Good point! I did mention sex might be painful for her, and that she might be afraid to say so. I didn't word it as descriptive, but I have been with someone that thought PIV was completely painful and uncomfortable. That's why I mentioned it as well.

 

[Vendelle]

One thing that I have noticed that has NOT been mentioned yet is she may well have a condition where PIV sex is painful.
I can't recall the name for the condition at the moment but it is rather common and there are treatments for it IF she is willing to pursue it with her Doctor.
Yes is is more than just lube. She could be drenching me but it would still be painful to enter.

It was even painful for her to have a finger inserted and I have small hands.!
She did however enjoy external stimulation so long as nothing actually started to enter her.

Of course most of this was not reviled until a couple years AFTER the divorce and we became FB's for a while.

I acually experienced something very similar and in the end an operation was needed for me to be able to have sex. Up till that point, I had been so ashamed that I was hardly able to talk to anyone about it, even my boyfriend at the time.

To the OP: I do hope this issue has been long ago resolved, but if not, I think by now it would be time for marriage counselling. Good luck to you!