Going to break up with a rage monster

[Netzach]

The person with 5 drinks in them is never going to have much in the way of my patience in a he said she said. I'm not judging you, I've surely done it, but don't you think it explains any of this?

 

[wayfarm]

The person with 5 drinks in them is never going to have much in the way of my patience in a he said she said. I'm not judging you, I've surely done it, but don't you think it explains any of this?

My intent was to not edit ANY of the input either of us put in the post. So whether I like what she said or not. It is in there.

The cocktail was a Gin and Tonic. I had my first one at about 5:45 or so. I stopped drinking at about 9:45. It says I had 5. That was in four hours. Maybe indeed I have a problem. I don't think so, but the count should really be 3.5 maybe 4. She refilled it while half full, and I pack my cocktails with ice because I like it cold. I drink for taste, not to get wasted. Unlike last nite, where I came home wondering what the hell I had just agreed to, and drank quickly with no food in my stomach.

I digress. I was no stumbling, mean drunk. I was quit aware of what was going on.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Netzach]

My intent was to not edit ANY of the input either of us put in the post. So whether I like what she said or not. It is in there.

The cocktail was a Gin and Tonic. I had my first one at about 5:45 or so. I stopped drinking at about 9:45. It says I had 5. That was in four hours. Maybe indeed I have a problem. I don't think so, but the count should really be 3.5 maybe 4. She refilled it while half full, and I pack my cocktails with ice because I like it cold. I drink for taste, not to get wasted. Unlike last nite, where I came home wondering what the hell I had just agreed to, and drank quickly with no food in my stomach.

I digress. I was no stumbling, mean drunk. I was quit aware of what was going on.

I did not say you have A Problem capital P.

I am asking: don't you think this may have had anything in this instance to do with anything?

Hey, we've been together five years. We've had some knock down screamos of fights.

I can think of something I did to make that happen and something he did to make that happen every time.

 

[wayfarm]

I'll own up to it. Yes, probably contributed.

The weekend was spent in this couples relationship workshop. I was mentally blown from all the input, note taking, and meeting other workshop guests. Really blown away by people getting up over and over and sharing their story.

 

[FurryFury]

You drink for the taste? Gin?

*shivers*

Really?

We must have entirely different taste buds.

 

[wayfarm]

You drink for the taste? Gin?

*shivers*

Really?

We must have entirely different taste buds.

I don't like sweet things generally. No cake, pie, donuts, etc.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't like sweet things generally. No cake, pie, donuts, etc.

Well I'm sweet, so oh well.

*whistles*

I can't stand gin personally or tonic water for that matter.

 

[Kajira Callista]

hmmm am I the only one who views his behavior as abusive...drunk or not?
See I'm not as nice as she was...I woulda knocked ya on yer ass before I left. *Bats lashes innocently*

 

[wayfarm]

hmmm am I the only one who views his behavior as abusive...drunk or not?
See I'm not as nice as she was...I woulda knocked ya on yer ass before I left. *Bats lashes innocently*

I'm abusive? Never raised my voice....Knocked me on my ass for what, cooking dinner, and cleaning? For asking you to contribute? Was I sarcastic, yes, I have owned that. And my first priority going forward is to be aware of unecessary sarcasm.

Okay, I asked for the input and got it, but just don't see it.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I'm abusive? Never raised my voice....Knocked me on my ass for what, cooking dinner, and cleaning? For asking you to contribute? Was I sarcastic, yes, I have owned that. And my first priority going forward is to be aware of unecessary sarcasm.

Okay, I asked for the input and got it, but just don't see it.

passive aggressive abuse

 

[wayfarm]

passive aggressive abuse

I'm not familiar with that, Going to the mighty Wiki.

I know you are joking with your comment about belting me with one. Having grown up in a household that literally rocked back and forth when my 'rents used to fight, I'm against shouting and cussing.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I'm not familiar with that, Going to the mighty Wiki.

I know you are joking with your comment about belting me with one. Having grown up in a household that literally rocked back and forth when my 'rents used to fight, I'm against shouting and cussing.

Actually...I'm not joking...i woulda knocked ya right on your ass for acting that way for no reason.
I just gotta ask why you just didnt tell her to do the dishes when you wanted them done instead of making a whole drawn out drama while you did them... are you not a Dominant?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[wayfarm]

Actually...I'm not joking...i woulda knocked ya right on your ass for acting that way for no reason.
I just gotta ask why you just didnt tell her to do the dishes when you wanted them done instead of making a whole drawn out drama while you did them... are you not a Dominant?

Great physical violence. That makes everything better. For the first time, I'm going to be sarcastic. It is laughable actually.

She was working. When I started doing them, I didn't have a problem. Somewhere in doing them I got ticked that I was doing them AGAIN.

I have never claimed to a Dominant. Truth be told, I'm quite new to this.

 

[wayfarm]

Being passive aggressive is emotionally manipulative; being habitually passive aggressive can be abusive.

All I can say is shit like this used to happen all the freaking time in my marriage. Ultimately, it boiled down to my ex-husband and I speaking different "languages" in terms of expressing our wants/needs/expectations, but yeah... the first time we walked into a therapist's office together and the therapist got his version of the argument that put us into therapy? She told him his behaviour was manipualtive and abusive, and if he kept it up she'd advise me to go to a shelter and file for divorce.

For all your comments about how wonderful she is, it appears that y'all don't communicate well, there are serious underlying unresolved issues, and some signifigant incompatability stuff going on there...

In our disagreements we don't communicate well, you are right on that. I am going to attend her next session with her therapist, and see what happens. As this is a board primarly related to sexual matters that is all I have brought up. There are parts of my life that she makes better.

In my first marriage of 10 years I recall a physical expression of our love. We would lie atop each other. That simple place felt so secure, and wonderful. Happy hormones being released, a feeling of weightless....

Being with this woman evokes that same feeling that I had lost so long ago.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Great physical violence. That makes everything better. For the first time, I'm going to be sarcastic. It is laughable actually.

She was working. When I started doing them, I didn't have a problem. Somewhere in doing them I got ticked that I was doing them AGAIN.

I have never claimed to a Dominant. Truth be told, I'm quite new to this.

Physical violence is a no-no to you but being abusive in a subtle way is ok?
I'm not getting on you ya know, I don't know you well enough to do that yet lol (you could always ask RJ how it feels). If you want to fix what is wrong in your relationship you need to start by no blaming someone or something (alcohol) else for what is wrong and take a good long look at the way you behave and how that can set a person off.
BTW you just attempted to do to me what you do to her but it won't work on me dolly...been there done that have the tshirt and survived it for 10 years.

 

[wayfarm]

Physical violence is a no-no to you but being abusive in a subtle way is ok?
I'm not getting on you ya know, I don't know you well enough to do that yet lol (you could always ask RJ how it feels). If you want to fix what is wrong in your relationship you need to start by no blaming someone or something (alcohol) else for what is wrong and take a good long look at the way you behave and how that can set a person off.
BTW you just attempted to do to me what you do to her but it won't work on me dolly...been there done that have the tshirt and survived it for 10 years.

Yes, I was being sarcastic. That was my indicated action.

I'm not entirely blaming alcohol. I have taken what I did, and what she did, and we implemented tools to use prior to it getting to that level. We are equals, in intelligence, duties, earnings, etc.

I'm sorry that you had a bad relationship. I hope that your current or next one is what you are looking for.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Yes, I was being sarcastic. That was my indicated action.

I'm not entirely blaming alcohol. I have taken what I did, and what she did, and we implemented tools to use prior to it getting to that level. We are equals, in intelligence, duties, earnings, etc.

I'm sorry that you had a bad relationship. I hope that your current or next one is what you are looking for.

And I am sorry I mistook your pity thread to be one started by a person who wanted to improve himself.....good night.

 

[HB1965]

Passive Aggressive? Where are you getting that he's being passive aggressive? I don't see anything here that suggests that he's passive aggressive. When you are passive aggressive you don't deal with the problem directly and act out in other ways. How can he be acting passive aggressive when he told her exactly why he was upset. While I will agree that sarcasm is definately not the best way to have handled this I can't find anyway in which he was abusive to her by any means. I think a lesson you can learn here WF is that you can't drink and try to deal with your personal issues.

Look I appreciate that all the females here want to protect the woman but in this case it needs to be stated clearly that she has some serious problems. First of all you've known this woman for what, like three months and already your getting some kind of couples' therapy trying to work on your relationship? To me that would be a red flag that this is not for you.

Second, the fact that despite these learning experiences that you guys have been through and despite you clearly stating your expectations she continues to not meet you half way is a BIG issue.

Here's one line that got to me from something that she said

She reminded him that she offered twice to do the dishes, and WF said he didn’t hear her say that, and that if she really intended to do them, that she wouldn’t have left them in the sink (indicating he didn’t really believe that she said she would do the dishes)

Did she stop to think that maybe there was a reason why he might not believe that? Maybe because she continues to have issues with doing domestic chores. I admit that maybe he should have had some faith that she might make the effort after the previous discussion about her working on him meeting some needs, but yet at the same time I think the intent should have been that she showed him that she meant that by doing the dishes right away.

All through out this thing with both hers and his input I see her getting emotionally out of control and escalating very quickly to it. To me that's not good. Dude yes you have some work to do on your approach, but this woman clearly has some emotional issues that I think do not bode well for your future together. She may make you feel good, but that can't be the only factor when your talking about having someone be with you for the duration.

 

[wayfarm]

Passive Aggressive? Where are you getting that he's being passive aggressive? I don't see anything here that suggests that he's passive aggressive. When you are passive aggressive you don't deal with the problem directly and act out in other ways. How can he be acting passive aggressive when he told her exactly why he was upset. While I will agree that sarcasm is definately not the best way to have handled this I can't find anyway in which he was abusive to her by any means. I think a lesson you can learn here WF is that you can't drink and try to deal with your personal issues.

Look I appreciate that all the females here want to protect the woman but in this case it needs to be stated clearly that she has some serious problems. First of all you've known this woman for what, like three months and already your getting some kind of couples' therapy trying to work on your relationship? To me that would be a red flag that this is not for you.

Second, the fact that despite these learning experiences that you guys have been through and despite you clearly stating your expectations she continues to not meet you half way is a BIG issue.

Here's one line that got to me from something that she said



Did she stop to think that maybe there was a reason why he might not believe that? Maybe because she continues to have issues with doing domestic chores. I admit that maybe he should have had some faith that she might make the effort after the previous discussion about her working on him meeting some needs, but yet at the same time I think the intent should have been that she showed him that she meant that by doing the dishes right away.

All through out this thing with both hers and his input I see her getting emotionally out of control and escalating very quickly to it. To me that's not good. Dude yes you have some work to do on your approach, but this woman clearly has some emotional issues that I think do not bode well for your future together. She may make you feel good, but that can't be the only factor when your talking about having someone be with you for the duration.

My main concern on her end was her escalation to absolute insanity.

I was behind her washing dishes. I do have hearing loss, and it is just about impossible for me to hear accurately with background noise. Like water running at the sink. My tenitus is so bad I run two fans at night to drown out the dull ring in my ears.

The weekend session is something she enjoys. She likes the touchy feely get in tune with yourself books etc.

The therapy she uses to get over her 6 year marriage where it ended badly. One of the reasons I respect her so much is how she rebuilt her life after leaving with next to nothing. I like that warrior spirit.

Any case thanks for reading.

 

[Sharon_]

Look I appreciate that all the females here want to protect the woman

[hooks index finger under collar of t-shirt, pulls out, looks down and checks to be sure]

--
"You see? It's like I've always said: 'You can get more with a kind word and a two-by-four than you can with just a kind word'.
--Sam Spade Tip of the Day--

 

[HB1965]

My main concern on her end was her escalation to absolute insanity.

I was behind her washing dishes. I do have hearing loss, and it is just about impossible for me to hear accurately with background noise. Like water running at the sink. My tenitus is so bad I run two fans at night to drown out the dull ring in my ears.

The weekend session is something she enjoys. She likes the touchy feely get in tune with yourself books etc.

The therapy she uses to get over her 6 year marriage where it ended badly. One of the reasons I respect her so much is how she rebuilt her life after leaving with next to nothing. I like that warrior spirit.

Any case thanks for reading.

Ok I think that's great that she's wanting to get her life together, but is she really ready for a relationship at this point?

I can see though that there is probably much more to this than we know and that we could know in just this isolated instance.

 

[Netzach]

Passive Aggressive? Where are you getting that he's being passive aggressive? I don't see anything here that suggests that he's passive aggressive. When you are passive aggressive you don't deal with the problem directly and act out in other ways. How can he be acting passive aggressive when he told her exactly why he was upset. While I will agree that sarcasm is definately not the best way to have handled this I can't find anyway in which he was abusive to her by any means. I think a lesson you can learn here WF is that you can't drink and try to deal with your personal issues.

Look I appreciate that all the females here want to protect the woman but in this case it needs to be stated clearly that she has some serious problems. First of all you've known this woman for what, like three months and already your getting some kind of couples' therapy trying to work on your relationship? To me that would be a red flag that this is not for you.

Second, the fact that despite these learning experiences that you guys have been through and despite you clearly stating your expectations she continues to not meet you half way is a BIG issue.

Here's one line that got to me from something that she said



Did she stop to think that maybe there was a reason why he might not believe that? Maybe because she continues to have issues with doing domestic chores. I admit that maybe he should have had some faith that she might make the effort after the previous discussion about her working on him meeting some needs, but yet at the same time I think the intent should have been that she showed him that she meant that by doing the dishes right away.

All through out this thing with both hers and his input I see her getting emotionally out of control and escalating very quickly to it. To me that's not good. Dude yes you have some work to do on your approach, but this woman clearly has some emotional issues that I think do not bode well for your future together. She may make you feel good, but that can't be the only factor when your talking about having someone be with you for the duration.

Gender aside, no one would make comments like those to me in a relationship and stay in it with me. Whether or not ants might show on the scene and whether or not I'd broken a promise about dishes, and this exact situation is a bone of contention in our household, so I can relate all too well -- but when I am right at the point of admitting an issue and actually getting my head around the concept of making a change, strongarm tactics and actually being insulting would definitely get your key thrown at you or your shit on the street.


Nobody, NOBODY would get to talk to me with nothing but the intent to make me feel as bad as possible about something I know is a shortcoming anyway. We fight. We talk. We work. I'm happy to say that belittling one another's efforts is not part of the vocabulary. I've learned more from my husband about how to disagree like adults, because this was never modeled in my family, than I'd ever dreamt possible, and I he has always taken the high road with me and been supportive, even when I've been irrationally mad.

Oh - and here's a thought.

Screaming doesn't indicate insanity. It doesn't even indicate anger. Some people are just inherently louder and more demonstrative than others. Being quiet doesn't indicate that someone's not volatile abusive or messed up either.

 

[Netzach]

Actually...I'm not joking...i woulda knocked ya right on your ass for acting that way for no reason.
I just gotta ask why you just didnt tell her to do the dishes when you wanted them done instead of making a whole drawn out drama while you did them... are you not a Dominant?

I would have thrown out every dish and gone out and brought back paper. If I was in his position OR hers.