Going to break up with a rage monster

[HB1965]

I don't know. I still am hung up on the idea that she says she wants to change then clearly doesn't. I don't say that it's an excuse for him to act out like he did, but you can see his frustration.

If I had been her this situation never would have come to that because I would have been making a real effort before this if I really wanted to be with this guy.

 

[Netzach]

Personal habits are really pretty entrenched and I find people have to hang out in the "this is a problem" stage for more than a half day before actively changing them.

Of course if it's totally dirving you to the batshit breaking point, then yeah, maybe there IS no point in going onward too...

 

[HB1965]

Personal habits are really pretty entrenched and I find people have to hang out in the "this is a problem" stage for more than a half day before actively changing them.

Of course if it's totally dirving you to the batshit breaking point, then yeah, maybe there IS no point in going onward too...

Yes but it seems that this was identified as a problem more than a half a day ago.

 

[Netzach]

Yes but it seems that this was identified as a problem more than a half a day ago.

Here's an example. I'm with someone who's ADHD. I could choose to leave, yell at him constantly for being unable to do things that every adult "should" be doing, be as mean as possible at every opportunity of his failures. All without being abusive, maybe, just being really rigid about what my concept of how things ought to be is.

Or I can do what I've been doing, and buy a timer, and give him prompts, and ask him what his deadlines are. "OK, what time do you plan on doing that?" Then at eight if he says "eight" I can just say "hey it's eight now" and normally it's all cool. No big fight. What's helped me, for whatever that's worth, is to swallow my ego, decide we're on a team and figure out what I can bring to the table to make US more effective. I know that when I'm absorbed in the printed word, time flies and I need to be pulled away more strongly than it would seem necessary - it's not just him. He's the reason we're rarely on time, and I'm the reason the house is insane, together there's a lot to fight about.

Instead of changing everything I hate about my partner, I just go at it from a perspective of workarounds and redirecting and filing what REALLY might be bothering me in one pile and "small shit I can overlook" in another. Most of what's really bothering me when I think about what bothers me about him, is really my own shit and things that bother me about myself and how those behaviors poke those personal hot buttons.

 

[wayfarm]

I may be misunderstanding this, but it appears as if I am attempting to be subversive in this relationship. I don't want to trash this relationship. I do want to work it out, and have figured out ways of changing.

Perhaps it has been some time since someone stood over you yelling and ranting, but as for me, it was Sunday. I'm proud that I didn't escalate, I'm proud that I stood my ground, and I'm proud we are attempting to work it out.

 

[Sharon_]

I don't know. I still am hung up on the idea that she says she wants to change then clearly doesn't.

Axshully, if you go back and re-read, she did exactly what she said she was going to do: put the dishes in to soak while she answered her email, then wash them when she got done.

It's your classic Clash of The Soakers/Non-Soakers battling for The One True Way(tm).

....and now we have a however many post mini-drama over How The Pot Turns

Really, WF--if I got stuck doing cooking *and* clean up every time, I'd be on a steady low simmer, too.....(not really sure why you say it's a "sore spot" if it's an agreement you had - tho' if you arbitrarily dictated 'I'm cooking, you're in charge of washing' then I'd chew my right arm off before I'd pick up a dish).

I had a relationship with a soaker, and I'd just wash them when he turned his back...but then I didn't turn around and get pissy about it. AAMOF, our arguments over dishes ran to "I'm washing them" -- "No, *I* am, git yer mitts off" -- "PUT THE PLATE **DOWN**, WOMAN!"....which sometimes turned into rasslin' matches which are a whole 'nother kind of fun

--
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining,
and a source of mind boggling amounts of excrement when you
least expect it."
-Gene Spafford, 1992-

 

[HB1965]

I understand that, but I'm looking at it from this perspective. You say that you want to meet someone halfway. You need to try and do that which it sounds like you're at least making a stab at. This woman doesn't sound like she's doing that. She's talking the talk but not walking the walk. It's not about him changing her it's about her being willing to come to some compromise about meeting his needs. He agreed to cook, and she agreed to clean up. She needs to meet her half of the compromise. She may not be perfect all the time but at least she should show an effort.

Here's an example. I'm with someone who's ADHD. I could choose to leave, yell at him constantly for being unable to do things that every adult "should" be doing, be as mean as possible at every opportunity of his failures. All without being abusive, maybe, just being really rigid about what my concept of how things ought to be is.

Or I can do what I've been doing, and buy a timer, and give him prompts, and ask him what his deadlines are. "OK, what time do you plan on doing that?" Then at eight if he says "eight" I can just say "hey it's eight now" and normally it's all cool. No big fight. What's helped me, for whatever that's worth, is to swallow my ego, decide we're on a team and figure out what I can bring to the table to make US more effective. I know that when I'm absorbed in the printed word, time flies and I need to be pulled away more strongly than it would seem necessary - it's not just him. He's the reason we're rarely on time, and I'm the reason the house is insane, together there's a lot to fight about.

Instead of changing everything I hate about my partner, I just go at it from a perspective of workarounds and redirecting and filing what REALLY might be bothering me in one pile and "small shit I can overlook" in another. Most of what's really bothering me when I think about what bothers me about him, is really my own shit and things that bother me about myself and how those behaviors poke those personal hot buttons.

 

[Netzach]

Axshully, if you go back and re-read, she did exactly what she said she was going to do: put the dishes in to soak while she answered her email, then wash them when she got done.

It's your classic Clash of The Soakers/Non-Soakers battling for The One True Way(tm).

....and now we have a however many post mini-drama over How The Pot Turns

Really, WF--if I got stuck doing cooking *and* clean up every time, I'd be on a steady low simmer, too.....(not really sure why you say it's a "sore spot" if it's an agreement you had - tho' if you arbitrarily dictated 'I'm cooking, you're in charge of washing' then I'd chew my right arm off before I'd pick up a dish).

I had a relationship with a soaker, and I'd just wash them when he turned his back...but then I didn't turn around and get pissy about it. AAMOF, our arguments over dishes ran to "I'm washing them" -- "No, *I* am, git yer mitts off" -- "PUT THE PLATE **DOWN**, WOMAN!"....which sometimes turned into rasslin' matches which are a whole 'nother kind of fun

--
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining,
and a source of mind boggling amounts of excrement when you
least expect it."
-Gene Spafford, 1992-

This is a really good point.

We have a rule in the house, which is whoever is doing the chore - other person *has* to fuck off.

Yeah, I've lost a bra or two to the dryer. Yeah he's had to grit his teeth while I UNDER LOAD the dishwasher. Ants are not going to descend in one evening. I'm also with a soaker - and sometimes it's annoying and often he forgets till prompted, but he gets it done.

Suck it up, or do it yourself.

 

[professorquixote]

Okay, got some business to take care of.

Turns out my plain vanilla gal I dated for 3 months is a way raging anger monger. Too bad she didn't have that type of intensity in bed.

We are really just about broken up. She went ballistic Sunday making a scene in front of my neighbors. Now, I'm just going to return some of her personal things.

It really is too bad, she is a CPA, and my quarterlys are due in two weeks...

WF

yeah last time I had to deal with that kind of woman I ended up changing my number and getting a restraining order, Good Luck but really just nod your head and agree to what she says and keep a stick nearby in case she leaps at you.

 

[wayfarm]

Axshully, if you go back and re-read, she did exactly what she said she was going to do: put the dishes in to soak while she answered her email, then wash them when she got done.

It's your classic Clash of The Soakers/Non-Soakers battling for The One True Way(tm).

....and now we have a however many post mini-drama over How The Pot Turns

Really, WF--if I got stuck doing cooking *and* clean up every time, I'd be on a steady low simmer, too.....(not really sure why you say it's a "sore spot" if it's an agreement you had - tho' if you arbitrarily dictated 'I'm cooking, you're in charge of washing' then I'd chew my right arm off before I'd pick up a dish).

I had a relationship with a soaker, and I'd just wash them when he turned his back...but then I didn't turn around and get pissy about it. AAMOF, our arguments over dishes ran to "I'm washing them" -- "No, *I* am, git yer mitts off" -- "PUT THE PLATE **DOWN**, WOMAN!"....which sometimes turned into rasslin' matches which are a whole 'nother kind of fun

--
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining,
and a source of mind boggling amounts of excrement when you
least expect it."
-Gene Spafford, 1992-

This post is AWESOME. During the weekend, she was 0 for three on getting them done on time. Yes, I have requirements about my living conditions. I don't leave the house with the bed unmade, I don't leave clothes on the floor, everything has its place, and she lives the same way at her home. EXCEPT for when we are at mine.

Next time we have the sleep over, I'm going to let her know what my expectations are. I don't eat with picnic items, and I won't. I cooked up a very expensive meal of Filet Mignon and Scotch Mushroom reduction on Friday. You don't eat that on a paper plate.

Onward and upward, I'm done with this thread.

Best,

WF

 

[HB1965]

LOL the dude's in love and doesn't want to hear anything about her not being right for him so I will refrain from comments on his last post. Good luck to him.

 

[im_a_voyeur]

Oh - and here's a thought.

Screaming doesn't indicate insanity. It doesn't even indicate anger. Some people are just inherently louder and more demonstrative than others. Being quiet doesn't indicate that someone's not volatile abusive or messed up either.

*Slow clap*

Thank you for saying this!

 

[EmpressFi]

Reading through the exchange of what happened.. reminds me of many a fight between Malin and myself. I know for me, what causes the slow burn to change... my own temper. I'm not saying this is what happened with you or anyone else.. But.. for example this morning I had a doctor's appointment and just as I stood to leave, he says, "Sure.. I sit down and you're finally ready to go". Suddenly, I felt guilty for cutting his computer time short, so I told him I had a few minutes, but I didnt want to be late. So I edited a couple posts and then we left. I got in the car, and saw the time and saw I had 10 minutes to get to my appointment that was 30 minutes away. I look at him, "Quickest way? Left or Right?" I didnt even give him time to really answer before I huffed and puffed and slammed the car in reverse and headed off. Now.. in my head, and something I KNOW isnt true.. is this voice that says, "sure.. as long as it's not an appointment that he wants to go to or affects him, he doesnt CARE if you're late"... and that one thought.. simmered.. and simmered...and yes.. I did have the angel on my shoulder tellin me to STFU but still it simmered. Soon I was yelling at everyone else on the way.. AND still being short with him.

I can see where, even though there may have been a part of your brain processing the possibility that she might be soaking them.. even if there wasnt..there was that voice inside that said, "oh..sure.. well the promise to help clean lasted a long time...." and invalid or not.. it simmered.

It's not passive agression.. it's human..

 

[wayfarm]

*Slow clap*

Thank you for saying this!

Sorry, this one is just crap!

I am a United States Marine. Spent time Deployed and in Combat Zones. I have yelled and responded to the need for yelling and intensity.

A Sunday evening at home? What part of livid, yelling, angry, screaming doesn't make sense? She has admitted her own embaressement at the situation. As I have mine.

 

[im_a_voyeur]

Sorry, this one is just crap!

I am a United States Marine. Spent time Deployed and in Combat Zones. I have yelled and responded to the need for yelling and intensity.

A Sunday evening at home? What part of livid, yelling, angry, screaming doesn't make sense? She has admitted her own embaressement at the situation. As I have mine.

Slow down, gymshoes.

My comment had nothing to do with your situation. Had to do with a few people mistaking my volume as yelling when I'm not even angry.

 

[doveofserenity]

WF,

No matter the views of anyone here on the forum, it is up to You and her how to deal with this problem.

You have a hearing problem, so You speak louder than most. She needs to realize that and come to terms with it.

If she is a person who keeps her own place neat and tidy, than ask her to have the same consideration at Your place. That is common courtesy.

If she had agreed to do the dishes, and they were in the water; let them soak a bit until she gets her e-mails done. Soaking does help sometimes.

If there was still food sitting out, then You could just put it away so the ants don't get it.

But it comes down to the fact that if these things are really irritating You, and Your attitude irritating her; and the problems can't be dealt with CALMLY by both parties...then it may not be the right person for You. Whether You love her or not.

i hope things do work out with the counseling, but don't expect the best. Honestly.

 

[FurryFury]

This is a really good point.

We have a rule in the house, which is whoever is doing the chore - other person *has* to fuck off.

Yeah, I've lost a bra or two to the dryer. Yeah he's had to grit his teeth while I UNDER LOAD the dishwasher. Ants are not going to descend in one evening. I'm also with a soaker - and sometimes it's annoying and often he forgets till prompted, but he gets it done.

Suck it up, or do it yourself.

I agree with that rule. I load the dishwasher entirely differently and "wrong" from my husband. He does some putting away and loading "wrong" from my POV too BUT and this is key, we appreciate each other for doing whatever it is that we do around here.

Furthermore if I'm really pissed off, usually I just think about what a shit wad my ex was and I suddenly see my husband in a whole new better light. Ta dah!

 

[graceanne]

This is a really good point.

We have a rule in the house, which is whoever is doing the chore - other person *has* to fuck off.

Yeah, I've lost a bra or two to the dryer. Yeah he's had to grit his teeth while I UNDER LOAD the dishwasher. Ants are not going to descend in one evening. I'm also with a soaker - and sometimes it's annoying and often he forgets till prompted, but he gets it done.

Suck it up, or do it yourself.

That's our house rule, too. If you don't want to do the chore than shut up. And I'll enforce it, too. Once I wasn't loading the dishwasher right, and K was all over my ass. I told him to do it himself, and walked out. He ended up loading the dishwasher for several weeks, cause when he asked if I was gonna I sad 'oh, no. I don't do it right, remember? You're so good at it, i'll just let you'. Now when I load the dishwasher he leaves me alone.

 

[Netzach]

Slow down, gymshoes.

My comment had nothing to do with your situation. Had to do with a few people mistaking my volume as yelling when I'm not even angry.

I find that whenever someone doesn't like what I have to say they become far more concerned with volume than they were before at times.

I grew up among insane shouting people. To just be heard, you had to be loud. To express displeasure you had to be really loud. *shrug*

 

[Netzach]

Sorry, this one is just crap!

I am a United States Marine. Spent time Deployed and in Combat Zones. I have yelled and responded to the need for yelling and intensity.

A Sunday evening at home? What part of livid, yelling, angry, screaming doesn't make sense? She has admitted her own embaressement at the situation. As I have mine.

Gee, I don't know. Maybe it fits in as well as snide running commentary and comments about her being "undeserving".

Yes, it's total crap. You're right. Saying anything you please at the right volume is a magic "non abusive" pass.

Good luck, I'm out. Don't strain that shoulder with the back patting.

 

[FurryFury]

That's our house rule, too. If you don't want to do the chore than shut up. And I'll enforce it, too. Once I wasn't loading the dishwasher right, and K was all over my ass. I told him to do it himself, and walked out. He ended up loading the dishwasher for several weeks, cause when he asked if I was gonna I sad 'oh, no. I don't do it right, remember? You're so good at it, i'll just let you'. Now when I load the dishwasher he leaves me alone.

LMAO!

It's good to train em sometimes.

 

[JMohegan]

Maybe there would be less passive aggressive nastiness, screaming, heavy drinking, and key throwing going on if someone in this relationship was actually getting laid.

Just a thought.

I'm not in the habit of purposefully offending anyone's religious sensibilities, but Jesus Christ, people.

What kind of God actually considers this to be is a positive tradeoff?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****