Got any good dirty jokes?

[TheBigandBaldGuy]

This seems like a good place to hear and swap dirty jokes, so I figured a thread collecting them together sounded like a fine idea!

So I'll go first:

Ever see the instructions on an ATM machine in a porn shop? It tells you to slide your card in, then quick pull out, then in, out, in, out, in, out...

 

[DrunknBarbarian]

Goner

...........

 

[TheBigandBaldGuy]

A man and a woman were dating.

She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.

For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies:

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

Bwah ha ha ha!! I never heard that one before! That's a good one!

 

[natasha_lei]

why did the pervert cross the road?

his dick was stuck in the chiken.....gigglz

xoxo
Natasha

 

[cowslinger64]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
==================================================================

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[smotherman]

Caught Speeding

So this guy is driving to the Hospital where his wife is
going into labor with their first child. Naturally he is
going a little faster than perhaps he should. He passes
over a bridge and finds himself being flagged down by
a traffic cop. He pulls over and is receiving nothing but
attitude from the cop even after he has been told the reason
for the rush so he decides to give a little back.
The guy says: 'Actually I'm on my way to work and I
don't want to be late.' So the cop asks: 'And what job could
possibly warrant such a disregard for the posted limit?'
'Well, I'm an asshole stretcher.' So the cop says: 'What
does an asshole stretcher do?' 'Well officer, I take a finger
and grease it up, I slide it into an ordinary asshole and work
it 'round. I then add another finger, then another until the
asshole is the required size, sometimes up to as large as
six feet!' So the cop says: 'What would someone do with a
six foot asshole?' So the guy says: 'GIVE HIM A SPEED GUN AND
A UNIFORM AND POST HIM ON A BRIDGE!!!'

 

[Kat73]

What's red with 7 little dents in it?

Snow White's cherry...


What did the dwarfs say after the prince woke up Snow White?

Well, Guess it's back to jerking off...

 

[TheBigandBaldGuy]

So this woman goes to a club looking to get picked up. She spends the whole night flirting and teasing with this very sexy looking guy, who towards the end of the night finally whispers to her, "I want to take you back to your place and do something very dirty."

Thrilled at the prospect, she excitedly returns home with the man. The two have sex a few times, but nothing at all kinky, exciting, or dirty.

So when the man says he is going to leave, the woman says, "I thought you said you wanted to do something dirty."

To which the man replies, "I did. I just took a shit in your purse."

 

[ivantheterrible]

how do you make a woman scream twice?



wait for it...............















wait.............














fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick on her curtains.

 

[LusterMunky]

A travelling biz man goes down to the hotel bar shortly before closing. There is only one other patron, a very striking you woman. He grabs a barstool, and she moves to the stool next to him. They strike up a conversation.

Finally, she says, "I'm going to be honest with you. I'm a working girl and there's been no men in this bar all night. It's closing time, and, well, I'm sort of desperate. Anything you want, I'll do it for fifty bucks. Anything you want."

To which he replies, "Deal! Paint my house."

 

[Kat73]

Lester and Jane got married at a young age and Jane was embarassed to say the word sex. They decided to refer to it as doing the laundry. One night in their sunset years, Lester rolled over and asked Jane if she was in the mood to help him with the laundry. She was reading an mumbled maybe later. About 45 minutes later she put her book down and told him she was ready to help with the laudry. He rolled back over and said, well it was such a small load, I took care of it myself...

 

[TheBigandBaldGuy]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window.

He tells her to take her pants. She does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts fucking her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies...thats why I'm here!"

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

A drunk in a bar looks outside the window and sees a man standing at the driveway for the hotel across the street. A beautiful blond walks up the sidewalk, and he sees the man lean into her and say something. The woman stops in her tracks, wheels around and hits him across the face very hard. The man says something else to the woman, who then rushes over to him and they go arm-in-arm to the hotel.

About 45-minutes later, the woman leaves and the man returns to his spot on the sidewalk. A redhead shows up walking on the sidewalk and again the man leans into her. Again he gets slapped in the face. Again he says something else to her and THEY go arm-in-arm to the hotel. About an hour later, the woman resumes her walk and the man returns to the sidewalk.

A short time later, the scene happens a third time - this time with a brunette. The drunk decides he simply has to find out what the man is doing, as it seems obvious he is getting laid repeatedly with women he doesn't know. So the drunk walks across the street to talk to the other man.

The drunk asks him what his secret is - that he knows the man is having sex with these women. The man looks the drunk over and says, "You know, I don't think you'd be a lot of competition, so I'll tell you."

"When the beautiful woman walks by, I lean into her path and whisper, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" The woman usually gets very offended and takes a swing at me. I let her connect and ask why she would do such a thing. When she says I had no business talking to her that way, I merely state that I had said, "Particularly nice weather" to her - and they get very apologetic and offer to make it up to me. I take them into the hotel and close the deal."

The drunk thanks the man, and after the man leaves, decides to give this new technique a try. He downs a few last-minute drinks for courage, then stands on the sidewalk waiting. Then he see's his chance - a beautiful woman with long silky hair. He is nervous, but knows the technique and will give it his best shot. She finally gets within talking distance.

"Hey lady, stick a feather up yer ass?"

"My word!" she says.

"Yep...it's fucking cold ain't it?"

 

[TheBigandBaldGuy]

How can you tell when a guy has a high sperm count?

When the girl has to chew before she can swallow!

 

[LickYourNips]

A Texas Longhorn, a Baylor Bear, and a Texas A & M Aggie are all out playing golf. After a few holes the Texas Longhorn said, "Dude, I have to go to the bathroom."

The Baylor Bear said, "Well there is a tree over there. Just go take a piss behind it."

The Texas Longhorn thinks this is a good idea and goes off behind the tree. He comes back a couple of minutes later and said, "Man, I feel much better."

After a couple of more holes the Baylor Bear said, "Now I have to go to the bathroom."

The Texas Longhorn spots a tree, pointed, and said, "Just go take a piss over behind that tree."

The Baylor Bear leaves and comes back a few minutes later and said, "Man I feel much better."

A few holes later the Texas A & M Aggie said, "I really have to go to the bathroom."

Both the Texas Longhorn and Baylor Bear spot a tree across the fairway and suggested the Aggie go behind the tree. The Aggie shakes his head and said, "No, no guys... I have to go #2."

The Longhorn and Baylor Bear think for a minute and said, "Well do you have a dollar." The Aggie nods and they continue, "Well just use it."

So the Aggie takes off toward the tree. After about 15 minutes later the Aggie comes back with both of his hands COVERED in shit.

"DUDE!!!!" screamed the Texas Longhorn, "I thought you said you had a dollar!"

The Aggie rebuked, "I DID! But all I had was 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel."






______

 

[little_kid]

newly wed couple fucking for the first night in bedroom.
suddenly they hear police siren outside.
girl runs for her clothes and guy for his.

{before they got married, girl used to work as hooker and guy was a regular customer to some cheap-whore-house}

 

[italianGod]

I know this is not dirty..but it is a kinda joke


What is Tension?

A beautiful girl asks a lift from you. On the way she faints and you take her to the hospital.

The doctor says ‘Congrats. You are going to become a father.’

THAT’S IT. YOU GET TENSE.

You say – ‘But that baby is not mine.’

The girl says – ‘he is the father of my baby.’

YOU HAVE MORE TENSION.

Police comes and a DNA test is done. The report comes, which says that you can never become a father.

EVEN MORE TENSION FOR YOU.

Anyhow, you thank God and return home. Then you think, “At home I have 2 kids. Whose are those?”

THAT IS REAL TENSION.

 

[italianGod]

I think this one would be a better one


Barack Hussein Obama was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said,

' I'm the President of the United States ,

Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'


She replied, $200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead.. Her reply was:

'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, & my panties as low as my wages,

Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas,

Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way you have the retiree's,

Then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent !'

 

[Kat73]

What do you call a person who can hook a worm in one try?

A Master Baiter...

 

[TheBigandBaldGuy]

So this woman walks into a bar and orders a Coors. As soon as she gets done drinking it she immediately passes out cold. Being the only other one in the bar at the time the bartender drags the woman to the back room and fucks her.

The next night the woman appears and again orders a Coors and again passes out, but this time the bartender is there with three of his friends. After the woman konks out they all fuck her in the back room. The woman appears at the bar every night that week, every night passing out and getting fucked by more and more men.

After a whole week of this when the woman arrives at the bar the bartender already has her Coors waiting for her.

"No thanks," the woman says, pushing it back. "I'll have a Bud tonight. Coors makes my pussy hurt."

 

[DrunknBarbarian]

The Bear and the Hunter

.............

 

[TheBigandBaldGuy]

How is well-tanned woman and a well-cooked turkey alike?

The white meat is the best to eat.

 

[SassyVixen]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[TheBigandBaldGuy]

What's the best thing that can come out of a cock?

The wrinkles.

 

[ivantheterrible]

not dirty, but funny all the same.............

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'